Why I don't believe in internet dating... ANYMORE

If you don't my stance on dating and the single mom well it goes like this:  I don't have the time, when and where am I suppose to do this?  There you go in a nutshell.  A lot of people have suggested I do online dating.  Then I had a total flashback.

After my divorce ages ago I had no children and the internet dating scene was truly in full swing.  It was the latest in being able to meet that special someone.  Yes people, I was an online dater.  It was an experience to say the least.  Some of my worst dating moments happened during that time.  There is the guy who claimed to work for the FBI and we met for a movie in the afternoon.  He said to forgive him for he had been at a stake out all night therefore couldn't get to a shower before meeting me.  I couldn't hear him to well because I was to busy swatting the flies that were swarming around him.  Then there was the guy who was worried about how he was balding and talked about all the treatments he was considering to keep his hair intact.  I still went out with him a few times and discovered he had white carpets at his home and didn't want much company coming over.  He had a cat and his previous girlfriends picture on the mantle.  If anything gets you out of the mood to make out, it's definitely the ex-girlfriend staring back at you and a cat hissing at you. Also turns out he had a lot of gay friends who he preferred to hang out with.  I wanted to tell him just to come out of the closet already and to stop kidding himself.  So yeah, it was a nightmare at some points.

I do have to say I did meet some great people online.  There was The Frog who I dated for a good part of 3 years.  I still remain friends with his family and I hear from him occasionally.  Then I met a few platonic friends who I ended up setting up with friends.  Like my guy friend "Happy Smile" who I set up with my co-worker "Lovey".  They have now been married for a good part of 10 years and have two beautiful children.  So maybe using the internet to meet other people is not in the words of Bobby Bouche's mother on The Water Boy "DA DEVIL". 

So after much debate in my head I put myself out there.  Online dating, yes people I took another stab at it.  Before you  all get all "well isn't it costly?"  "You need to be cautious" I did a free dating site.  I put it out there 6 months ago.  Just wrote the general witty stuff I'm known for, posted a decent picture and let it marinate.

I have had a few hits, a few messages, nothing too spectacular.  I have also had a few lurkers and men with OTHER intentions.  So for the most part my profile out on the site as a security.  Something to fall back on when I am ready.  In the mean time I've met a slew of platonic male friends who tell me that my time will come, that I'm funny, they give me that boost.  I am ok with that.  Then there are those friends who say "you should meet my friend, blah blah blah"  and well nothing usually has come out of that.  So dating seriously is still non-existent for me.

Now down to why I really don't believe in the online dating.  In my inbox on Wednesday was a standard message from the website I signed up for.  The title was "We have matches for you".  So out of curiosity I checked it, couldn't hurt to see what they had in mind for me.  I had previously stipulated what type of person I was looking for and what my needs where, so obviously it could possibly be a match, right?! 

There it was staring at me when I opened the email.  A picture of a face I new all too well.  A person I knew for a good 6 years.  A person who I had just seen that morning.  Big Cheese was my number one match. I had to do a double take. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Really?  I did not need to read the profile, I did not need a first date to know that this was not right.  We tried for years to make it work and two kids later, it still did not work. 

PFFFSSSHHHH!  I quit internet dating!  They know nothing! 

Have you ever tried internet dating?  How has it worked out for you?

Flashback Friday - Analyzing the Marriage/child decision...AGAIN

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

March 6, 2006 - This is the blog where I am like Marissa Tomei in "My Cousin Vinny" 

 Things did not quite work out as I had hoped in this blog.

So as much as I deny it, it feels good to have a little one snuggle with you. My cousin's little girl snuggled with me and she was snoozing away. I held her at a family party as her parents ate dinner. They didn't want to just leave her on the couch to sleep. I offered to hold her. So this is where my story begins.
I always had planned on having kids. Never happened with the ex-husband because, well for one reason or another he just couldn't have kids. It still remains a big mystery, he never included me in on what was going on, which is probably a big reason why we are not together today. So forward to know, I'm 35.

Yes, you heard it
35!!!

I don't remember what happened, but dang...Hello 30-35! It's a blur. I spent it with someone who I thought I might have a family with, maybe even do the married thing. Yeah, I'm a sucker for pain!
So that clearly never happened or else I would be here telling you guys that yeah married life is a pain, and the kids drive me up the wall, but I'm happy. So now comes the decisions. I made a decision to not have children, and that was after thinking and thinking and thinking. (a whole lot of thinking)

I asked myself questions like, would you be willing to take that risk at 35 to have a child, would you be able to do it without being married, or having the father of the child around? So when I answered, I don't want to be the oldest mom in the school parking lot, I know what that's like. I don't want to be the one to tell my child, yeah I don't know why your daddy isn't around, I know what that's like. I don't want to explain to my child that oh yeah daddy lives with so and so and I live here with so and so, but your our love and blah blah blah... it just didn't work for me.

For me I wasn't willing to settle to bring a child into this world and not have a happy marriage. It just goes hand in hand for me. I know, how conservative is that coming from a liberal person?! I guess deep down inside those are the things I really wanted and now I find that just a memory.

But let me tell you when I felt that little girl all snuggled on me, it made me just feel like ...oh what the hell have a kid on your own! Any donors? LOL Like I said, I'm all screwed up! Deep down, I'm still going to end up thinking about it and going...Nope shouldn't do it.

A visit to Fantasyland...Courtesy of Mami

The first memory I have of Fantasyland was when I was 5 years old. It was the part of Disneyland in which you could make dreams come true, however far fetched they may be. The rocket ride, the flying Dumbo ride, anything was game when it came to the imagination. That was the magic of Fantasyland, anything was possible. I have often found myself back there in recent months. The reality is that I have not been to Disney land since 2003.

Mami has been instructed to call me at work only if it is urgent. Anything else can be left to talk about during my lunch hour or when I get home. She is after all a woman in her 70's who has given me a scare or two with her health. So recently Mami calls me at 10:30. I thought "Oh my I better answer that!". I pick up the phone, heart in my hand, and she says "You got a postcard from Hawaii, from Prince Charming". I could hear the excitement in her voice. It was that voice of a giddy teenager who just got asked out to the prom by the hottest guy in class. All I could respond was "Mami, this isn't an emergency, I will read it when I get home"

It is no surprise to me that my Ex-husband Prince Charming had sent that postcard. I knew he was going to Hawaii from the previous conversations we had. We have been in contact for about a year now. We have talked at length about the mistakes we made with regards to our relationship and have mended that fence. What is missing you ask? Well it had been 10 years since we divorced. A lot of our "romance" has long since been forgotten. I am ok with that. He seems to agree on that and we have a nice friendship.

Mami on the other hand does not hide the fact that she often visits Fantasyland when it comes to Prince Charming. She still had pictures of Prince Charming and I up on her bedroom walls until about 4 years ago when I protested. It was a ridiculous ode to Prince Charming, he was gone and that was the end of it. Somehow I see her drifting towards the "You never Know mija!?!" camp. Yes, I said camp. I have a few of my friends who say the same thing.

Most of the problems I had with Prince Charming came to fruition about the time we were trying to conceive a child. Lack of communication, frustration, and stress took over. Obviously we did not make it through or I would be saying husband instead of ex-husband. I had often fantasized that we had we been able to have children and our relationship would have not fallen apart the way it did.

So here I am two children, single and by single I mean VERY single. My mom has seen me struggle with two babies for two years, alone. I see the pain in her face when she tells me she wishes she could help me more and that she hopes I don't stay single. I know she desires that my kids have a male figure in their lives to teach them how a man truly treats a woman. I desire those things for my children and I as well.

I often drift to Fantasyland, but the truth is I am single with two small children to look after. Prince Charming has his life and I have mine. No romance, just a friendship. Mami has watched too many telenovelas (spanish soap operas) in her day. Thank you Mami for wishing the best life has to offer. I know she just wants my tears of loneliness to stop and to have a worthy life partner. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and as they saying goes : "it is what it is" for now. No visits from me to Fantasyland. Darn you Disney and your dreams!

Moms date?!?! HOW?

Most Moms I know lead really busy lives. You have kids to shuffle off to day care, school, etc. You have to deal with tantrums, homework, and extracurricular activities that you need to hurry off to. If your married, you need to fit in time with the hubby and sharing of the parenting. Now imagine if you were single and had to do that and DATE??!!! *GULP*

At the ripe age of 40 I never imagined that I would be a single mom. I thought I would be one of those happily adjusted married folks with kids. WRONG! Life happens, you choose a partner unwisely (in my case the culprit was beer and Jack and coke), it happens. I have been a single mom for close to two years now, and I haven't really put any thought into dating. Why? Well that's easy to answer, I'm knee deep into toddlerhood. Before two toddlers I was a hot mess. I had two babies 17 months apart and I could barely get a comb through my hair, let alone TRY to look attractive. My life revolved around a constant diaper change.

My thoughts and energy have been focused on Thing One and Thing Two. So this is going to sound silly, but I have no idea how to date or even put myself out there! I have been out of the game for at least a good 5 years now. First, it takes so much time and energy just to date. Getting to know the other person, the calling, the whole dance, HELLO?! When exactly am I supposed to do that? I barely make it to 9:30 pm on any given weekend and I am already nodding off to bed. Not to mention that every weekend I have is spent with the children since Big Cheese couldn't possibly take them on weekends.

Then there is that part of me that worries. The whole dilemma about when is it right to date? When do the kids get introduced? Do you introduce them at all? Does this person have a criminal record? What if the kids get attached and it doesn't work out? I can handle me being hurt, but the kids?? That last thought just kills me. UGGGG!!! Seriously, I thought I wouldn't have to go through the insanity of dating while raising kids.

So the other night out of curiosity I went on a dating site and chatted with a few gentlemen (I use the term loosely) and I swear I felt drained. Just by the questions What do you look like? Kids? Married? divorced? age? Area you live? It was like the spanish inquisition and I hadn't even gotten a drink out of it to ease the pain!

I don't know how some single moms are able to date, I was exhausted just in the few minutes I put myself out there. Maybe I'm just not ready to handle dating drama alongside toddler tantrums. I get lonely sometimes and I would love to have someone take care of me as a woman while I take care of my children's needs. I just don't think I have the energy level and patience it takes to date at this moment. I'm hoping that some day I will. Single moms, how do you balance a dating life with the life of a mommy? Am I over thinking this or will there come a time when I will figure it all out. Advice please....