Villians do exist...but so do Super Heros

This Sunday is going to be like any other this summer. In that same breath, it is not. You see this summer has been filled with movies that The Things and I have been looking forward to. Thing One has been looking forward to the movie Batman which was released last night. I woke up as many of you did to the news of what occurred in an Aurora, Colorado movie theatre at the midnight showing of Batman. Listening to all the news as it pours out minute by minute, overwhelms me with feelings. Feelings of anger, fear, and most of all loss. I feel deeply saddened to hear of children being shot most of all.  How does one not fear villains when they come to life?

Many media outlets have spoke  of what this will do for the movie's sales.  Other's speak of movie theatre security and it's future.  It is absolutely ludicrous how an action of one insane man has prompted so much action and dialogue of the simple act of going to see a movie at a theatre.  It is as if the villain has reached more than just those 71 injured.  The epidemic of fear has struck in so many of us.  To that thought I think, but what about those who showed such superb bravery?  Like the police officers that put injured into police cars and drove them to hospitals, rather than wait for an ambulance.

I often think of all those invisible capes we all wear.  We all have the ability to help and be brave and overcome whatever a villain's venom has touched.  So will you go to a theatre?  Will you feel safe?  Those are all questions we ask ourselves now.  I for one will not let one villain ruin yet another little boys dreams.  I will put on that invisible super hero cape, face my fears and hold that little boys hand tightly. 

As in all super hero comics the villain will go down and there will be justice.  Stand tall and brave my friends and let those invisible capes flow proudly.

How a split second turned into terror.

As parents we all have that internal fear that is played out one too many times on the news. That one moment in which a child is gone. Maybe for a minute, a few moments or forever. You let your child go to the bus stop, or you watch in horror how crossing the road some stranger grabs your child.

I had hoped that I would never encounter such a thing with my babies. Unfortunately it happened.

I had taken Thing One and Two to see Sesame Street Live today. Big crowds are never my favorite, bit one can not live in fear. I took Mali with us to enjoy the show. All was well until the end of the show when I had to pick up  Mami's walker at guest services. I had told Mami to stay with the children while I went upstairs to get the walker.
I went up the stairs and waited to get her walker. Took the elevator down and chatted with the elevator attendant on how nice the show was. The doors opened and Mali was standing there asking where the kids were.
Apparently she thought that I had known that the kids were right behind me as I went up the stairs. It had been 10 minutes since I had left. My heart and guts were sick twisted as I looked back on the huge crowd behind me. I must have screamed that very moment, because all of a sudden everyone was looking at me. My babies were lost in a crowd of hundreds. I ran up stairs looking for them in every chiild's face and I could see all the adults feeling my pain and panic.

Security was helping as I ran to find them. Thing two was at guest services. She was calm and collected. The next thought was Where is my boy! My sweet sweet boy. I could hear the security guards asking for a description of him or a picture of him. I couldn't get words out as I shook with panic and fear. Until a man came out of nowhere ans said
"Your daughter is watching you let's breathe and he will be found"

I had to catch my breath and describe what he was wearing, hair and eye color, name. All the things that were crucial at that very moment. Then I heard theo best sound in the world. The cries of Thing One asking for his Mommy. They had found him in the play area of the event crying. I was on my knees crying holding my precious babies, thanking God and the kids guardian Angels that they were returned safely to me.

I haven't let them go yet. They are lying next to me as I type this.

I was lucky and I pray this never happens again. EVER.

Have you ever experienced something scary with your children? How did you react?

I can tell you, this moment was not how I expected Iwould react.

Mama Kat's World Famous Writer's Workshop: Phobia re-visited

Mama Kat's World Famous Writers workshop had a prompt that I couldn't avoid.  It was recent and fresh and I had to share:  A case of the nerves! When was the last time you had them and how did you get through it?

Sweaty, a slight tremble in my hands, eyes wide open, heart pounding, and a nervous smile. That is what happens when I see a dog coming towards me. It doesn’t matter the size, the breed, how friendly they are, or even how much they are barking at me.  I have over come the screaming and running the opposite direction, phase of this fear. Although in my head I am doing JUST THAT.  My dad helped me overcome that side of my phobia when I helped raise a dog from a puppy at the age of 10.  Still, in the back of my illogical head I want to run and scream. It makes for tense forced feelings inside that do not manifest themselves outwardly, but that I suffer silently in my mad head.  Or am I really that illogical in my dog phobia?  I mean after all I still vividly remember the day our little Chihuahua “Ronnie” bit my big toe while I was playing with him outside.  I was 3 years old, and I still remember. 

Flash forward to Monday, March 12, 2012. Thing Two is three years old and loves and adores dogs, particularly the small non-threatening type.  I have always told her that not all dogs are to be approached and played with, and specifically not to pull ears or tails.  I haven’t wanted to scare what is natural for her to love dogs and be around them because of my fears.  So this day in particular was tense, nerve racking and exhausting as any day I have had. 

I was picking up the children from the baby sitter and I was talking to the sitter as Thing One was finishing up his dinner.  The sitter was telling me what a great day they were having and that my daughter was in the backyard with her husband and her grandchild.  That is when I heard it.  The scream that sent chills through out my body.  I ran outside only to see Thing Two’s cherub like face covered in blood.  I could see a gaping hole on her top lip.  “MOMMY, the DOGGY HURT ME”  I knew the sitter’s dog had bit her.  All at once I felt her pain, her panic, and my adrenalin propelled nerves were set in.  From the moment I scooped her up and got to the ER two blocks down the street is a blur.  I know we got there in a matter of seconds and there are about 2 lights to get there, so I can only imagine what I did.  

Once in the ER it was standing room only. Thing Two was screaming and screaming and saying it hurt.  I wanted to cry with her.  As a parent it pains you to see your flesh and blood in a terrible situation, you want to make it better.  I knew if I did lose it, it would not help her.  I just repeated to myself everything is ok, it is in God’s hands now.  Standing in line to get checked in a child around her age handed her a small toy that was apparently just purchased in those little coin machines.  He said “It’s ok”.  Watching that transpire was like a sign to keep cool and it would be okay.

We were triaged and I waited outside the ER room so as not to make everyone else nervous with Thing Two’s cries.  I cleaned us both up from the blood that was on us and sat and sang to her.  It was really to soothe both of us.  As we sat there I watched ambulance come and go.  One ambulance was taking a child on a breathing machine to another hospital. Another brought a man with chest pain gasping and grasping his arm.  I rocked and sang and Thing Two was soothed and she even fell asleep for a bit.  In that moment I knew it would be ok.  My child was safe in my arms and she wasn’t in a life or death situation.  She was alive and we could get this fixed.  I thought of the parents of that child who was rolled out to another hospital and to the family of the man being brought in. 

Was the whole even nerve racking? Oh YES!  It was ten times worse when I had to watch Thing Two being restrained and get stitches on her pretty upper lip and here her scream “Why, Why, Why??!!”

I had to hold it together for her, for her dad who was pacing outside the ER room, for me.  So once the stitches and medication had been given and we were alone at home in bed, I cried.  I let all the tension and hurt out. 

I hope she can erase that fearful moment in her head.  I hope she is more resilient than I was.  I hope that the only scar she will carry will be the one on the top of her lip and not in her psyche.  That is what you do as a parent.  You never let them know that you too were scared.  You after all are their protector, the one that keeps them knowing that everything will be safe and normal. 

. 

What feelings have you set aside for the sake of your child's well being?

As always today's fab post brought to you with the help of:

I have that type of fever *SIGH*

I am starting to miss it.  I cannot believe I am say this.  I miss having a baby!

Thing One at 6 Months old

Thing Two at 6 months old

Thing One has been a full fledged preschooler for some time now.  I have to say, that I was so busy getting ready for Thing Two’s arrival that I barely had enough time to enjoy Thing One being a baby and toddler.  Not to mention Mami’s cancer and the break-up of my relationship to their dad. 

Then there was Thing Two.  I enjoyed her thoroughly as a baby.  She slept with me often.  I know your not suppose to, but she was the type of baby that screamed until she was cuddled.  I was super careful!  She stayed in a crib longer than Thing Two. She held on to her pacifier longer. She took longer to sleep through the night. She took longer to take the first steps.  She also managed to take an extremely longer time to potty train.  She has officially become a young child versus a baby.  It made me wonder if I could have possibly wished that she take a little longer to keep her as my baby.  I knew when I had her at the ripe old age of 38 that she would be my last child.  That and the fact that when she was born Big Cheese and I were on already split up.  I just didn’t realize she would be my last “baby”.

You  know baby, as in sweet smelling head, babbling, drooling, snuggling in the little nook of your neck baby.   The same baby that you rock in a glider for hours and lose track of time and are ever so grateful that you did.    The one baby that has a million milestones hit the first year of life.  First smile, rolling over, standing, walking, words, etcetera. 

So here I sit and I think of it and realize I won’t have a baby of my own to watch over and guide.  It’s a whole different set of goals now.  I started to feel a twinge of it when I finally potty trained Thing Two.  Diaper free at last!  Wait… OH MY! No more babies. Sad face, tear.  No more babies!  Oh sure I will have plenty of other babies to hold and play with later by family members, but it’s not the same.  Nothing quite compares to the endless hours of agony, joy, and fear that you feel when you are holding your baby for the first time.  

Thing Two will officially reach age 3 in a few days. *GULP*  *SIGH*  My babies are gone and the two preschool aged children have moved into my house.  Sure, they still depend on me for a lot of things, but they have become independent children, with thoughts and words, an quirky expressions of their own. Still, I feel a twinge when I think…no more, not mine. 

Baby fever sucks.  I know I am ready for the next phase, but still there is that little bit of me that holds on and would like to be up at odd hours of the night, just baby and me. 

Wait…let me look back on my blog… Sleep deprivation, mind blowing screaming, being told I’m doing it wrong…NEVERMIND!  I’m good.  I like to sleep, I like someone to talk to, argue with.  I like the fact that my diaper big is now almost non-existent.  I am sure I will go through this one more time, but it’s normal right?

Please tell me it’s normal! J 

Have you experienced baby fever lately?

The Ice-Cream Mafia...BEWARE!

If you ever watched the 80' movie "Better off Dead" you will surely remember the newspaper kid...

He practically hunted down John Cusak in the whole movie. I use to laugh every time I saw these scenes, that is until the Ice-cream Mafia came after me.  

It all started innocently. It's Mami's FAULT!

 If you are a parent of a young child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The moment you hear the creepy music screeching from the truck, you break out in a sweat. Panic mode sets in. Surely the kids didn't hear the music, right? WRONG! All of a sudden you hear from the back of the house "IKEEM MAMMA! IKEEM!". Their excited squeals sound like the nails of teacher scratching on the chalk board. It's repetitive and haunting. You know the next thing they are going to say is "two dollars Momma!" 

Two dollar Spiderman Nightmare Popsicle! 

Mmm Chocolate

I swear I'm being stalked by the ice-cream truck Mafia. They know my schedule. When I get to the sitters after work they are nowhere to be found. I swear they turn off the music and wait for me to walk out of the sitter's house with the kids. They always stop and stare intently and turn the music on full blast. If that is not bad enough, they do a slow roll in front and from the other side comes a different ice-cream truck. People, I'm being bullied here! How do I explain it to a police officer about this? I mean come on all they want me to do is buy a "two dollar!" Ice-cream.

Seems ridiculous I know, but it's now become a power struggle of who is going to put up with it the most. I will not pay "two dollars" for a spider man Popsicle when I can pay a dollar more and get a box of Popsicles at the grocery store! I made the mistake of mocking the ice-cream truck posse once. I took the kids Popsicle sticks so that when they walked out the ice-cream truck would see them with the ice-cream. I felt the heat of the evil glare and declared victory when it moved on.

My glory was short lived. I see them everywhere I go now. At the park, by friends house, EVERYWHERE! They are out to get my "two dollars!". UGH! I think they've even gotten the gourmet food trucks to start stalking me now. They want to make ME fat! It's a conspiracy I tell you!

See in front of my work...the gourmet trucks all lined up!

Since you have had children in your life what ridiculous do you now fear, that did not in the slightest scare you before?

I know I'm not alone in my irrational fear check this out... *SHIVER* CREEPY!

Wordless Wednesday - Japan's children

Nothing has left me quite as wordless as the images that have been in the news about the devastation in Japan.  The thing that struck me the most was the images of young children.   I thought of my own children and held them tight and prayed for those who lost children, and the children who lost parents, and the children going through this trauma..  These are not my images but what has been posted on news sites.

This last one made me cry.  She was found alive after being separated during the Tsunami from her parents. 

Click here for the story of this miracle baby.

The things we do for our kids...

Doesn't that look delicious?  Is this going to be about why I sacrifice being broke by getting Thing One his favorite that not so nutritious hotcakes and sausage from Mc D's?  EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WRONG!

This has everything to do about my tata's being pressed into one of these things and holding my breath, not because the technician asked me to, but because I was in pain and it literally took my breath away. I just turned the big 4-0 and I realized I hadn't had a "check-up" since the essure procedure two years ago after Thing Two.  I think it was safe to say that I needed to see my OB/GYN.

Right about the time I was 8 months pregnant with Thing Two, Mami had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was stage one breast cancer very survivable, but scary to say the least. We are lucky it was caught because Mami is vigilant when it comes to her appointments and health.  She opted for complete removal of the breast because a lumpectomy would not guarantee she would not have another tumor and it would mean weeks of radiation.  I know why she opted for that drastic move.  She looked at me with a big swollen belly due at any moment, dealing with a 15 month old baby and going through a recent separation from Big Cheese. I know she sacrificed her tata for peace of mind for me.  I know that's why she did it.  She says it was because she didn't want to go through the uncertainty of it all, but the first thing she said was that she didn't want me to worry. Mom's sacrifice so much for their children.

I helped Mami get through the surgery and the weeks of draining the wound and the fitting of her prosthetic.  I was drained emotionally and physically.  I thought of nothing but her and my two children.  What would I do without my Mami?  Would my children remember her if the cancer took her life? It was a long journey and 4 months after all this we were able to breathe a sigh of relief.  The cancer had been successfully taken and since then we have not had any re occurrence of it. Mother's sacrifice so much for their children.

So yesterday after taking Thing Two to her 2 year old check up I went for a mammogram.  As any mother would attest, the sacrifice of having to go through what we have to is worth any pain.  I want to be around to see my babies go to school the first time, to have the first boyfriend or girlfriend, to dry their tears after their heart is broken, to cry at their wedding, and to hold their children. So me being uncomfortable for a few minutes in order to make sure the same cancer that struck Mami has not somehow been passed to me, was worth it.  I know what it's like to not be able to share triumphs and heart break with a loving parent because of a disease.  I do not wish that heart ache on them. 

I will take care of myself, for them.  I will go out and exercise and take care of myself both physically and mentally, for them.  It's not that I no longer matter, it's that I matter to someone who needs me.

What have you sacrificed in the name of your children?

Music that make you go... hmmmmmm

The year 1987:  I was 16 years old going to house parties (Yes I KNOW…bad girl!) My hair was pumped up with the Super Hold white can of Aqua Net and I was rockin’ my bobby socks with heels along with the big fat belt wrapped around my long shirt and my too short skirt.  This song was always pumping while I was getting ready to go to the house party:

OH my youth! This reminds me of good times doing bad things. I could have been kidnapped, raped, etc, etc, etc…but I survived unscathed. It is always great to have those memories of the time when you were wild and young. Music always brings me to a fun memory of what I was doing when listening to a particular song.

Fast forward to my life some 20 some odd years later. Here I am single mommy to two beautiful impressionable children. I let them listen to a variety of music, because I love music. I even got a whole bunch of CDs from Rockabye Baby. My kids have been listening to since they were in the womb. I love the concept of popular music set for children. It drives me less crazy than listening to Barney singing “I love you” for the umpteenth millionth time.


So the other night while I was making dinner as usual I turn on Nick Jr. for the kids so that they can stay out of my hair long enough for me to finish. Yo Gabba Gabba was on and as I frequently do, I chimed in listening to what they were watching. What happened was I heard a familiar tune:

I was shocked, completely stupefied! There was nothing wrong with the choice of music or the episode, just one thing. I was brought back to me in that mini skirt at 16 out at a party drinking beer and pretending I was uber cool. Then it hit me, I’m a responsible adult, a parent! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The magic of this song is no longer a happy memory; it is the realization that someday I will have teenagers that will want to do the same wild things I was doing. I think this is the moment Mami was looking forward to when I was a teenager “You will see when you have kids” Thanks Mami.


Anyone have that pivotal moment when you realize you are now on the other end of parenting?

The Chupy (Pacifier) Chronicles

AHEM..*Stands in front of podium and adjusts microphone*

"Hi my name is Dooritos, I am a mommy who has let her child have a Chupy (Pacifier) until the age of 2"

Yes, I feel like I need to be in an 12 step program when taking away my last babies special Chupy.  Why does it feel like I have to let her go from being my baby girl?! UGH! 

• First step:  Admit I'm powerless over the fact that my 2 year old needs a chupy and that every minute of the day has been overwhelmed with demands of this "Chupy".  When did losing a chupy put me in panic mode??!!!
• Second step:  Making the decision to finally get rid of the Chupy and letting my 2 year old get a hold of herself and comforting herself without the help of said "chupy".

Day one of operation "NO CHUPY" Step One was realized on her second birthday.  When I thought, she's a grown little girl, she talks, makes demands, and really is no longer a helpless baby.  OH MY...she still has a chupy!!!!  Ok time for intervention....TOMORROW.  :)

Why hide this beautiful smile behind a Chupy?!



Her last time with her beloved Chupy. (or so I thought)

Day two of operation "NO Chupy" went something like this:

Me: "Good Morning Thing Two! How are you?" 

Thing Two: "I want Chupy"

Me: "No you're two now.  You are a big girl and big girls don't use a Chupy"

Thing Two: " I NOT TWO! I NOT BIG GIRL!"

Me: *Blank stare* SIGH

I ignored her request and we went on to Gymboree and our normal routine, without much fuss.  Then we drove home and Thing Two fell asleep in the car.  As I was moving her from the car to her bed she woke up demanding said Chupy.  Again I said no.  This is what occurred right after:

*SIGH*  She finally calmed down and I was more exhausted from the whole ordeal than maybe she was.  It could have also have been that I had been feeling sick and the birthday party the evening before had just wasted me away to an absolute stupor.  Grandpa Big Cheese offered to take the kids over night, and I gladly handed them over.  This is the part when we fall off the wagon.  I handed Grandpa Big Cheese the much acclaimed Chupy.  I wasn't going to have him go through what I went through.  "Just give it to her tonight, I will deal with this tomorrow"  The Chupy won that time.  I felt defeated and tired.  Tomorrow would be another day.

Day three of operation "NO Chupy" went a little better. We had already limited the Chupy use months ago to just nap and just bed time.  She occasionally found one and stuck it in her mouth during these months.  All day, no Chupy requests, thank goodness!  Then came bedtime.  Thing Two requested over and over her beloved Chupy.  Finally at about 11:00 pm she fell asleep Chupy-less.  RELIEF!  Then at about three in the morning I got a visitor in my bedroom.  All I heard was a small whisper "Mommy Chuppy".  Again explained she was a big girl and put her back to bed.  An hour later she found her way back to my room "Mommy Chupy.  I sleep you?" I needed sleep, so in she went to my bed while I slept for another 30 minutes just to be awakened by my lovely alarm clock.  I think this was the point when I met the step of making a decision to let God take over. GOD, please let me get through this!!!

Day four of operation "No Chupy" was splendid.  No chupy requests, no fighting her sleep, just sleep at a decent hour.  This was a great day!

Day five of operation "No Chupy", what happened to day four!!!!  Well Thing Two stayed up until 11 pm requesting, pleading, begging for her Chupy.  I almost gave in, but I remembered the day before and the success of that day.  She fell asleep and I got no visitor that night. 

Day six, my goodness I'm exhausted!  She's exhausted too, I can see it across her face.  That night not much screaming or pleading, just a simple question, "Chupy mommy?"   Again the big girl conversation was told to Thing Two.  This time after I finished I got a sigh and an "OKAY".  Wow, that was something I didn't expect. I think she reached the acceptance step.  Then I got a visit at two in the morning, "Mommy I sleep you?".  SIGH, from me this time.  OKAY.

Today is day seven, a week from the time we both have been going through this operation "No Chupy".  It a long road but I think we both have gone through most of the process.  Eventually we will get to the point where a Chupy is no longer mentioned, like that one family member that is never spoken about at family parties.  Today, we will have ice-cream and I will remind her what a big girl she is and how proud I am of her.

I'm still exhausted, I'm still going through growing pains, but it needs to be done.  She will be ok, but it's still hard.  I'm going to hate potty training her.

What challenges have you had with your children?  Have you felt like you have been put through it with them? 

Letting go...

Worry.  The one word every mother knows.  I don't think there is one day in a mother's life that she at one moment or other has gone without it. Thing Two has had me worried these last two months.  This month marked Thing Two's 16th month of life. She is 2 months shy of reaching the fabulous year and a half mark.  My worry?  Simple, she wasn't walking.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's not physical.  The girl get's around with the help of furniture, walls, hands but she simply hasn't been able to let go and venture on her own.

Thing One, first born, he had me worried too around this age.  All the other children in his Gymboree class were walking on or before their first birthdays.  I kept reading and wondering when the magic moment would happen and then a week after his 14th month, BAM! Yes he was walking.  So I figured Thing Two might be walking a little later, no problem.  So after month 15 passed I started to go over in my head all of the things that could possibly be why she wasn't walking. Was she scared? Was it physical?  Was it neuroligical? So my mind going a million miles a minute probably was the best thing to do.  For the next month I observed Thing Two closely, every step, every movements.  I tried to encourage her a time or two to let go. 

Thing Two had other ideas.  When I would try to let go of the chubby little hand I could feel the forceful Kung Fu grip on my finger. I even said "Let Go baby!" Okay Thing Two hold on a little longer to mommy.  Inside I was holding on tightly as well. Worry, worry, worry! I think when I worry I manifest it physically as well.  I have had stomach pains and headaches all month.  I am sure there were other factors, but my biggest worry is my children's health and welfare. 

Mami even began to tell me "Ten Fe" (have faith).  I could see the worry in her face as well.  Mami as always has put her faith in her saints and her Catholic beliefs.  So yes Thing Two was in her prayers every night, please let her "Let Go" and walk. Sunday evening rolled around and Thing Two was sitting on her little sofa and playing with her Dora doll.  She tossed her doll a distance and stood up.  No big deal, she does that always.  What came next was more exciting than a rollercoaster!  One, Two, Three, Four steps!  I must have scared her when I yelled Go! Go! Go! She stopped. 

Relief and joy was the overwhelming feeling I felt.  I called Mami over and said, your prayers were answered she "Let Go!".  Mami just smiled and said "It was for you, not for her".  One moment, one joy, and yes I learned to let go and stop worrying so much.  Everything in due time.  Lesson learned Mami, I will loosen my Kung Fu grip.
 

Love Notes

Today was a somber day.  I went to the funeral of my co-worker's husband. He was only 45 and she is a widow at 44.  The thing that got to me was that the daughter he left behind is 15, just 3 years older than I was when I lost Sarge. It was from the same disease as well . Cirrhosis of the liver, a very vicious ailment that takes lives.  I think that is why it hit me so hard.  I remembered Sarge and I was back to being that 12 year old that didn't understand why this had happened.  I could explain it in a concrete manner, but never as an emotional entity. 

I had some great moments with Sarge in the brief 12 years I had him.  Sarge was able to share a lot with me then, even as a child he never spoke to me as if I was a child.  He was my best friend in the whole world.  Not a lot of people can say that about a father.  I somehow have felt along the way that I was never really able to completely full fill that relationship with him as an adult.  I was a pretty bright child, but still the complexities that are of an adult certainly are a vast difference.  Mami would tell me stories of him that I never knew and sometimes I can connect with him as an adult that way.  I still have emptiness in that department.  What was Sarge really like?  I mean besides all the nice things that people say about him, I would like to have known his real thoughts, fears, anxieties.  Even the things that may not have been so nice about him, I wanted to know.  Mami has saved some things of his in the garage, so I went snooping one day.  I found a poem that he wrote about his fears of impending death and how that would affect me and Mami.  It was eye opening and I searched for more.

Finding these notes in his own writing always made me feel comforted, closer, connected to Sarge.  I thought so much of him when I was pregnant with Thing One and Thing Two.  I even thought of my own mortality and how much that would effect the Things.  What if it happened early and they were young?  Would they know me? Do I want them to know me?  What should I say to them?  How do I go about it? 

Journal writing has always been a comfort for me so I figured these would be left for them to know me.  I have things I wrote right after Sarge passed, boy crushes, first kisses, depression, happiness, marriage, infertility problems, miscarriage, fights, boyfriends, divorce, broken hearts, anger.  Should I censor it?  I don't think so.  I want them to know I had flaws and I made mistakes.  I want them to know I was loving and crazy.  I want them to know that I was a human being and I loved them like no one else in this world and that I feared some days more than others for them.

I think it's important for me to let them know that they too will make mistakes and I will understand them, no matter what distance we have between them.  Whether that be miles or dimensions. 

For my two babies, Mommy wrote you a letter when she was pregnant with you to open on your 18th birthday.  If I am no longer with you, please make sure to read it and do the same with your children.  You will never know the day you will want to know all about your parents. 

Love Notes are forever. :)

You say potatoe and I say "papa"

I recently took up a conversation with a co-worker about how upset I was about the new law passed in Arizona.  She works in the offices in Arizona where SB 1070 bill has now become a law.  In conversation I told her, "There is no way I am going to visit you now my friend, I'm boycotting Arizona!".  She laughed and continued with "Are you kidding me, I don't even speak Spanish anymore!"

Which got me a little bit fired up and saddened.  Here I am trying to raise children who will be bilingual and here is a law that will stifle people who refuse to speak it for fear of racial profiling.  WOW!  Strong message Arizona Governor, you are sending America backwards instead of forward!

I am aware of all that this new law covers.  I understand that immigration has become a problem, and that is not my issue.  My issue is that racial profiling will get out of hand. Citizens who may look a particular way, who for example maybe stopped for a traffic violation will be asked to provide legal proof of citizenship.  Let me tell you, I am Latina, very proud of being one as well as being an American.

Mami is from Ecuador she came from there with a dream to stay.  Yes, she is one of many thousands of people who came on a visitor's visa and stayed. She may not have entered this country with the appropriate papers, but she is here and she has learned the language and even has become an American Citizen.

Sarge's parents, my paternal grandparents,  also came over without papers in a time when there was just a line in the dirt. They made a living through the depression and eventually were in this country legally and raised to very fine American Citizens.

Sarge and the rest of our lineage have been proud American's with Latino roots.  Sarge's manipulation of the Spanish language was far from perfect.  He was very upset that his parent's encouraged him to only speak English for fear of not being able to assimilate to their new country and to be ostersized.  This was the 40's and there was the Zoot Suit Riots and racial profiling was at it's highest in Los Angeles.  My grandparents feared that there son would be targeted. 

Sarge often spoke of his frustration of not being able to communicate well with his parents because of his lack of knowledge of the spanish language.  He wanted to assure that I would be able to communicate with my family and to be able to help others as well.  Sarge made sure Mami only spoke to me in Spanish and that I would know all about both of my parent's culture.  He knew that eventually, while in the school system I would be able to manage both languages and that I would thrive.

Presently I speak to my children in Spanish and Big Cheese speaks to them in English.  That seems to work for now.  I also read to my children in both languages.  Many think I may confuse them doing so, but I want to raise well rounded children. I follow the guidelines for raising bilingual children and so far it seems to work. Now and again Thing One will switch back and forth languages or refuses to speak spanish to me, but it's all expected especially since he is at that age when language and learning are a huge part of his life

I want them to be bicultural as well as decent human beings who will be accepted despite their differences from their peers.  I hope that they will not be misguided in thinking that being of a different race or ethnicty and speaking another language will jeopordize their safety. 

For my co-worker in Arizona I say this:  "Do not fear my friend, be a strong person and don't be afraid of speaking something that come's natural to you."  For those of you who feel the need to keep people in fear: "SHAME ON YOU!" For all other's who believe this this law is infringing on your human rights: Take a stand, tell these politician's what America really stands for "EQUALITY"!  

For Thing One and Thing Two:  "My beautiful babies, don't ever be ashamed of who you are and where you came from or live in fear because of that. You are loved and Mommy will never let anything harm you!"

"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees." - Emiliano Zapata

Fuerza mi gente y adelante!

Single Awareness Day

Saturday was a very interesting day for me.  The family was celebrating my grandmother's 88th birthday and my aunt's 60th and 65th birthday.  I haven't seen a lot of family members since having Thing Two and splitting from Big Cheese.  So in a way this was my own coming out party.

I was dreading it all day before going.  I guess in a way it makes me uncomfortable to have to explain that yes, I am a single mom.  I am the last of all the cousins my age to have kids, most of them have teenagers now.  So to top it off my kids were the babies and all eyes were on them.  Most days I don't mind being the center of attention but that day was one I was dreading.

The time came closer and Mami, The Things, and I headed over to the long trek of getting to the party.  It was about an hour away, but it felt like it was longer.  Why was I so anxious?  I guess it stems back to my fantasy of having a family unit that involved a mother and father, and children.  It probably was also because I didn't feel like hearing the questions "Why?, What happened?, Are you ok?"  UGH! Did I really want to answer all those questions. 

I am just now getting comfortable with just being me and the kids. Some days I admit I have a huge hole in my heart that I can't give my children what they deserve, a whole family.  Other days I get frustrated at not having a partner to lean on when both kids are sick or fussy, or just plain honorary and testing boundaries.  I am the sole person involved in disciplining them.  Big Cheese is good about doing it when he has the kids with him, but it's not the same as when there are the same rules and the same household.   I often feel very alone in raising the two of my Things.  I love them, and that's what get's me through the day most of the time.  Especially when Thing One comes over randomly and says "kiss mama" and plants a big one.  Thing Two makes it special when she just wants to cuddle with me and nothing else in the world will do for her at that time. 

I had to reflect on those times with Things One and Two to get me through the whole, "Yes, I'm a single Mom.  No, It didn't work out.  I am fine and so are the kids. Yes, he is involved with them, and I am ok with that".  After all the chatting with family members briefly with no details, I felt like a whole bunch of weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

It is always tough to admit to family that not all is right in your world.  It's also not an easy thing to do single parenting, but I'm glad that it's out and that all are supportive.  I will always have fears as a parent, especially a single parent I just need to learn to accept my circumstances and let people in to help on occasion and to move ahead with Thing One and Thing Two because they deserves so much. :)   <3