That moment...

Today's blog is inspired by the Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:

Happy almost Mother’s Day! Share a parenting moment where you really began to realize what this mothering thing is all about.

Everyone has a different story about how the KNEW they were a mother.  A true sense of the word.  People define it in many terms and with different degrees of emotion.  I have a slew of moments this occurred.  Like the time the nurse told me I was swaddling Thing One wrong.  What a a few of us experience though is much different than our counterparts that are married.  It is called the "Single Mom" moment. 

 Big Cheese and I had been apart since Thing Two was 4 weeks old.  There I was, trying to breast feed a newborn and ripping her off my breast to go rescue Thing One from falling off a couch he had climbed.  I cried on the floor  along with my babies that morning.  Not just from the burning pain in my breast, but because I was alone with two very young children.  It felt surreal, because my plan never included being alone.  Yet there I was crying along with both of my babies wondering if I would ever get through this moment.  I vowed never to be alone with them.  Mami was always there to help out with Thing One.  She kept him entertained while I breast fed, or focused attention on my very newborn Thing Two. When venturing out I always had a friend, a family member, or Mami to help when Thing One would wander off aimlessly as I tried to put Thing Two in her car seat.   

August 2009, was when Thing One turned two.  He had been watching Nick Jr. and a song about the beach came on.  He was hyper focused and would talk incessantly about the beach and how he wanted to go. A mother will do anything for her children who was I to say no. On his birthday I planned to take him to a local beach that was kid friendly called "mother's beach".  It is more of a bay than anything, but they have life guards, and plenty of play things for small children.  I asked Mami to go with me, but she has never been a lover of walking in sand and her mobility was a concern to her.  It was a weekday, which meant all of my friends were working.  Only one thing to do at that point, go with the children by myself.

I packed up the car, planned every minute of that day.  How do I keep them safe?  What if something happens, what is my plan of action?  Self talk that came up a lot: "Breathe, you can do this, it is what Thing One has been looking forward to". 

There were moments in the day when I thought I was going to lose it. Like when Thing Two toppled over in the sand while sitting and got it in her face. In the mad rush to wash her off, Thing One decided to throw a tantrum and not want to go to the water. I must have looked like a mad woman dragging a screaming toddler and carrying a crying baby. Then there was the moment that while in the water Thing One slipped under the shallow water and I couldn’t get his little hand fast enough to pull him up. The look on his face was of fear and relief at the same time. I recognized that look on him because that is how I  had felt most days since Big Cheese had been gone.

Woo Hoo! Let's hear it for tantrums!:

At the end of the day I had a happy Thing One and we all survived our first outing with just the three of us. When I sat down and thought of it all I realized I could do this single mom thing.  Is it hard? By all means YES!  Could I do this alone? YES!

When your a mother, there is no time to fear or to doubt.  Sometimes you just have to face those fears that lay inside your mind and do what your heart is telling you to do for those you love the most.  It means sacrificing and growing.  That day I knew that despite my support system, I could raise these children and that all would be ok, even if it didn't seem like it at that moment. 

I am glad I went through that moment to become a better mother, and to tackle my fears. Since then The Things and I have gone on to many adventures together, just the three of us. No more crying on the floor.

The joy that will forever be burned in my head that day:

Happy Mothers day to all my fearless moms.

What was your "mom" moment?

Inspiring me to write my life story:

A letter to My Birthday Girl..

Dearest Thing Two,

Today you turn three years old.  You have officially made it through walking, feeding yourself, sleeping through the night (well almost), potty training, pacifier weaning, and you are now a full fledged toddler.  Your baby face is fading fast and I want to burn into my memory the image of the first time I laid eyes on you.  I still see those wide eyes staring back at me and I hear those very loud, boisterous  vocal cords hard at work when you yell at your brother to stop.  How can three years go so quickly? 

You my love have been the sunshine of my days as well as my biggest challenge.  It's hard to keep up with the incessant chatting at 4:30 in the morning when all you want to do is tell me stories of the things you have done, your dreams, your hopes for things you want to do.  I hope that it will always be this way.  Let me tell you one thing, it will never be easy for us to get along.  It's part of the mother/daughter  relationship.  You will want to let go and do things that I may not approve of many times.  Just know this, I do it out of love.  I may have gone down that road and failed at many of the things you will want to do.  So it is my way of protecting you of the pain and frustration of that failure.  I do have to trust that you may be capable of doing those things that I fear.  I have to trust that you will be more than anything I have done.  Just promise me that you will always have those conversations with me at 4:30 in the morning, wherever or whatever.  I promise to keep an open ear, heart, and listen to you, ALWAYS.

Just let me add one thing before I go off to get your cupcakes for you and your friends at ballet class...be nice to your brother and stop bossing him around.  He will be your best ally and friend if you just give him a chance.

Love you Mi Muñeca!

Your Mommy <3

The little girl that made October shine in bright Pink.

The end of September 2008 was one of the most difficult moments in my life.  I was 7 almost 8 months pregnant.  In one giant swoop I found out that the father of my children was exploring other relationships and that Mami had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  My body shook from shock, anger, and fear all at once.  I may have thrown up physically and emotionally several times during the weeks that followed. 

In order to wrap my head around all that I needed to organize in my life I took time off from work.  Mami had gone to see the oncologist the same day that she found out that the small lump detected in her annual mammogram was malignant. Sitting with my mom the tears rolled down my eyes, what was happening?  I just lost faith in the man that was suppose to be there for the rest of my life, and now there was the threat of not having my mom there. Mami sensed the fear immediately and was told she had two options for her cancer.  One, a lumpectomy followed by months of radiation.  Two, removal of the effected breast and lymph nodes with no radiation involved.  She opted for the removal.

It was a long road but three years later I sit here and contemplate all that has gone on since.  Mami and I had a heart to heart this past Sunday.  It was the anniversary of Sarge's death. Curious, I asked why she opted for the breast removal. She pointed over to Thing Two who was sitting there playing tea party.  Mami said she wanted to live long enough to see her granddaughter being born.  While I am a great believer in medicine and all it's miracles the motivation to get better for a little girl was more than medicine can explain. 

Thing Two lights up a room just with her big brown eyes and mischievous smile.  She loves with her whole heart and she is the keeper of this little family.  She is our little miracle.  One of the reasons she is important to me, she saved my Mami. 

Her name sake is Liliana Renee means "Gracious Lily Reborn".  Mami's middle name: Lilian.  Thing Two definitely made her reborn. 

This blog is a reminder that it's breast cancer awareness month.  Please remind all the women in your life that they are important in your life and to remember that early detection is key to survival. 

• Do a monthly breast exam
• Get a Mammogram after the age of 40
• Know your family history of cancer
• Become educated of what advancements in Breast cancer
• Be vigilant of changes in your breast and in your general health

Thanks my baby girl....October is much brighter pink with you and Mami in my life. I will definitely be aware of all of the above for you and your brother. 

 

Gender bender...

This giant sign has been the bane of my existence these days.  Thing one gets very perplexed now when we have to use public restrooms.  He looks at the sign in which we are entering and exclaims "BUT I'M NOT A GIRL!!".  *SIGH*  Each and every single time, same conversation. 

This new behavior and observation has come to be since he started preschool.  He is now very aware of his gender. "I am a boy momma."  I hear this over and over every time I try to inch him into the "girl" restroom.  The whole time he is pulling towards the "boy" bathroom that is inches away.  This scenario could make anyone chuckle, but to me it is the reminder that I am a single mother raising a son. It's also a reminder that there are occasions in which I have to sit and explain to Thing One that:

1. He cannot do some things, because mom is not capable of going into the male restroom with him, because well I am a girl. AND
2. I don't have a male counterpart that could take him or do some of the things he desires to do. " You can't go by yourself son, you are 4!"

I don't even have a dad or brother to even say "you take him". Those moments I am aware of how important it is for him to have a good male example around.  He has Big Cheese during the week, but there are those moments when he is with Mami, Thing Two, and I that I wish I could let him in that "boy" restroom with someone trusted. 

So for now I just try my best to give him other options for restrooms.  Like the family restroom, or the Male/Female restroom above. I do a lot of speaking with him and try to get him to understand that for now, when he is with Mommy he is stuck in a female world.  But this will only last for so long.  I am trying my best to get some positive male role models in his and my life.  I am lucky to have friends with husbands who are willing to help and that is a sigh of relief at times. 

Thing One does a bring a smile to my face when he exclaims "You're not a girl! You're a Mommy"

My take away from all this is :  Don't let the limitations hinder you, learn from them. 

Believe me I'M TRYING. *sigh*

Single mom: "NOT FEELING GUILTY"

It has been almost two months that I have had every other weekend off of my mommy duties.  Big Cheese has been really good about taking the Things and we have had a better understanding of each others responsibilities.  I have read a lot of blogs of single parents who truly feel guilt as well as sadness when their children go with the other parent's home.  I often think there must be something wrong with me, because I truly don't feel that way.  I have friends who are single parents as well tell me I would be sad and that I would miss them. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  The first weekend I had without the children I did things I hadn't done in a while:

• I cleaned out rooms, sorted clothes (mine and the children's) without interruptions
• I had coffee and conversation with friends, without yelling at children to stop what they were doing.
• I exercised, and not by running after toddlers or with the help of Gymboree. 
• I sat on the couch and vegged in front of the TV staring aimlessly at shows minus animated characters and singing involved.
• I ate a hot meal that had just been served, no reheating involved.
• I stayed in my PJ's until 3 by choice, not because there was no time for a shower or ability to change.
• I showered in warm water for close to 30 minutes with no one banging at the door to get in.

Sure there was times in the day when I thought about what the Things were doing, but it had been so long since the last time I actually got to do all of the things above that I relished in it. I also figure that since they were with Big Cheese and had the opportunity to build a stronger bond with him, it was a very good thing for my babies.  I have to say I think I finally found an upside to this single/co-parenting situation.  I get some ME time to help me get in gear to be a better parent for Thing One and Thing Two.

What is your way of getting ME time?  Do you feel guilty or refreshed?

Mi Mami...

Ok so it's been busy, busy, busy for this momma.  I have left you guys neglected.  For good reason, between  new duties at work, taking care of my babies, and my momma, well something had to give.


The one thing I could not do was leave you without a mother's day post.  So here I am, a mommy blogger writing what seems like an eternity to get to this point.  What point do you ask?  Well it's simple, the total appreciation of my Mami. Mami is a hard as nails type of mom.  My relationship with her has always been difficult.  I was always daddy's little girl.  She was always very hard on me.  Until recently I realized why she was like this with me. 

Mami's own relationship with her mother, my grandmother was rather strained.  She grew up thinking that her mother was her sister and that her grandmother was her mom.  When her grandmother died when she was 12, the same age I was when I lost my dad.  This is the moment she found out that what she had always known as secure and loving was gone.  I can see now why she was not that kissy lovey mom, she didn't know how. 

Her struggles being a teen mom and having her two oldest children taken from her by their fathers in a time when a woman living in a latin country had basically no rights, may have shaped her as well.  Later when she had thought she found someone to truly love her and raise a family with, he let her down and left her and my dear sister.  This is the pivotal moment in her life when she truly became the mom I now know.  She knew no one in the United States, but she wanted a better life for her and my sister and took an airplane with money she had saved for years and headed to her future home.  One word comes to mind when I think of her....TENACITY. 

How does someone go through all that she did only to pick themselves up and move forward?  That's easy, the love she had for her child.  Like I said she is not demonstrative and that always made me feel like maybe she didn't love me.  When Sarge died, I would hear her cry night after night, but she never let me know exactly how hard it was.  She didn't have a job, she had me to raise, and still had a house payment, yet I knew nothing of that.  I always had food in my belly, new clothes for school, a roof over my head, and the latest gadget that my little heart desired.  She would babysit the neighborhood kids at home so that she would always be home for me when I got home.  She knew I needed security.  She may not have kissed me enough, or hugged me enough, but she taught me to be the woman I am now.

When things get tough with the kids and being a single mom, I think about Mami and all she went through.  She taught me to hold my head high and never fall apart even when inside you are.  Thank you for toughening me up and letting Sarge nurture my softer side.  Your love has taught me that there are different ways people express there love, and their is no right way to love. 

I may be the kissy huggy mom to my kids, but I am also the first one to discipline them.  My Mami taught me that you can love your children, but you need to prepare them for the future.  Thank you Mami for being my fortress and my example.  On a side note, she is the most kissable, huggable Abi (grandma) ever! 

Whatever your love language is, express it always and forever.  Happy Mother's Day!

Te quiero Mami, gracias por tu amor infinito.

Flashback Friday - My overachieving son

 What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends

June 16, 2007 - I was two months from my due date and my pregnancy with Thing One was getting into the third trimester and there was so much to think and worry and be excited for.  Here is what I wrote that day.  

You could see his cheeks even then.



It's 6:00 AM on a Saturday morning and some may ask, what the hell are you doing up? It's no secret that I love quiet mornings and watching the sun rise on occasion, but today is different. This is what I call my thinking time, translation worry time.

For the most part my pregnancy thus far has been pretty uneventful, except for that scare early in the pregnancy when the doctor put me on bed rest. Yesterday I went to see the specialist that has been seeing me once a month to see if the baby is ok, and if my thyroid condition is not interfering with his development. He said, and I quote "this baby is big!" which I sat there and said "duh, have you seen dad? He's a big guy and my dad was a big man". Well then he said Marcus should only be at a certain range and he is actually in the 90 percentile which means one of two things, c-section or early delivery. WHAT!

So set in motion is worrying and sleepless nights that are to come for me until I know he is ok. The doctor kept reassuring me he was ok, and just put me on a monitor to make sure I wasn't having contractions. Guess what? I was, so on medication I go and thoughts just swirl in my head. I'm trying to keep good thoughts about this boy, and that yes, he is like his mother an over achiever. I'm just glad the doctor didn't put me on bed rest, because I simply go bezerk when I have to just lay there and keep thinking and worrying.

But my little guy, you need to bake a little longer so that mommy can stop worrying about you in the womb and start a whole new other sets of worries, like why did you sniffle? Or are you doing ok in school? or Did that girl break your heart? I just pray that he will be ok and that I can do that.

Man, this little boy is exhausting me already! I love him so much. Maybe I should get back to bed and let him rest with me for now.

Ok friends, just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks!

Baking a baby during happier times.

A visit to Fantasyland...Courtesy of Mami

The first memory I have of Fantasyland was when I was 5 years old. It was the part of Disneyland in which you could make dreams come true, however far fetched they may be. The rocket ride, the flying Dumbo ride, anything was game when it came to the imagination. That was the magic of Fantasyland, anything was possible. I have often found myself back there in recent months. The reality is that I have not been to Disney land since 2003.

Mami has been instructed to call me at work only if it is urgent. Anything else can be left to talk about during my lunch hour or when I get home. She is after all a woman in her 70's who has given me a scare or two with her health. So recently Mami calls me at 10:30. I thought "Oh my I better answer that!". I pick up the phone, heart in my hand, and she says "You got a postcard from Hawaii, from Prince Charming". I could hear the excitement in her voice. It was that voice of a giddy teenager who just got asked out to the prom by the hottest guy in class. All I could respond was "Mami, this isn't an emergency, I will read it when I get home"

It is no surprise to me that my Ex-husband Prince Charming had sent that postcard. I knew he was going to Hawaii from the previous conversations we had. We have been in contact for about a year now. We have talked at length about the mistakes we made with regards to our relationship and have mended that fence. What is missing you ask? Well it had been 10 years since we divorced. A lot of our "romance" has long since been forgotten. I am ok with that. He seems to agree on that and we have a nice friendship.

Mami on the other hand does not hide the fact that she often visits Fantasyland when it comes to Prince Charming. She still had pictures of Prince Charming and I up on her bedroom walls until about 4 years ago when I protested. It was a ridiculous ode to Prince Charming, he was gone and that was the end of it. Somehow I see her drifting towards the "You never Know mija!?!" camp. Yes, I said camp. I have a few of my friends who say the same thing.

Most of the problems I had with Prince Charming came to fruition about the time we were trying to conceive a child. Lack of communication, frustration, and stress took over. Obviously we did not make it through or I would be saying husband instead of ex-husband. I had often fantasized that we had we been able to have children and our relationship would have not fallen apart the way it did.

So here I am two children, single and by single I mean VERY single. My mom has seen me struggle with two babies for two years, alone. I see the pain in her face when she tells me she wishes she could help me more and that she hopes I don't stay single. I know she desires that my kids have a male figure in their lives to teach them how a man truly treats a woman. I desire those things for my children and I as well.

I often drift to Fantasyland, but the truth is I am single with two small children to look after. Prince Charming has his life and I have mine. No romance, just a friendship. Mami has watched too many telenovelas (spanish soap operas) in her day. Thank you Mami for wishing the best life has to offer. I know she just wants my tears of loneliness to stop and to have a worthy life partner. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and as they saying goes : "it is what it is" for now. No visits from me to Fantasyland. Darn you Disney and your dreams!

The things we do for our kids...

Doesn't that look delicious?  Is this going to be about why I sacrifice being broke by getting Thing One his favorite that not so nutritious hotcakes and sausage from Mc D's?  EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WRONG!

This has everything to do about my tata's being pressed into one of these things and holding my breath, not because the technician asked me to, but because I was in pain and it literally took my breath away. I just turned the big 4-0 and I realized I hadn't had a "check-up" since the essure procedure two years ago after Thing Two.  I think it was safe to say that I needed to see my OB/GYN.

Right about the time I was 8 months pregnant with Thing Two, Mami had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was stage one breast cancer very survivable, but scary to say the least. We are lucky it was caught because Mami is vigilant when it comes to her appointments and health.  She opted for complete removal of the breast because a lumpectomy would not guarantee she would not have another tumor and it would mean weeks of radiation.  I know why she opted for that drastic move.  She looked at me with a big swollen belly due at any moment, dealing with a 15 month old baby and going through a recent separation from Big Cheese. I know she sacrificed her tata for peace of mind for me.  I know that's why she did it.  She says it was because she didn't want to go through the uncertainty of it all, but the first thing she said was that she didn't want me to worry. Mom's sacrifice so much for their children.

I helped Mami get through the surgery and the weeks of draining the wound and the fitting of her prosthetic.  I was drained emotionally and physically.  I thought of nothing but her and my two children.  What would I do without my Mami?  Would my children remember her if the cancer took her life? It was a long journey and 4 months after all this we were able to breathe a sigh of relief.  The cancer had been successfully taken and since then we have not had any re occurrence of it. Mother's sacrifice so much for their children.

So yesterday after taking Thing Two to her 2 year old check up I went for a mammogram.  As any mother would attest, the sacrifice of having to go through what we have to is worth any pain.  I want to be around to see my babies go to school the first time, to have the first boyfriend or girlfriend, to dry their tears after their heart is broken, to cry at their wedding, and to hold their children. So me being uncomfortable for a few minutes in order to make sure the same cancer that struck Mami has not somehow been passed to me, was worth it.  I know what it's like to not be able to share triumphs and heart break with a loving parent because of a disease.  I do not wish that heart ache on them. 

I will take care of myself, for them.  I will go out and exercise and take care of myself both physically and mentally, for them.  It's not that I no longer matter, it's that I matter to someone who needs me.

What have you sacrificed in the name of your children?

Santa, I have my list ready! :)

Dear Santa,

I know that you normally get letters from small children and deliver special gifts to those younger than, ummm let’s just say 10 years of age. However we all have special wishes and here are mine:

1. Less tantrums and anger - Mine, the kids, and their fathers.

2. Confidence - The kind that make me feel that the decisions I have made for my children are going to be ok for them.

3. An extra set of arms- To be able to be able to hold the many hands and items they bring along (toys, blankies, binkies etc...)

4. Serenity –Just like the prayer says:

                    grant me the serenity
                    to accept the things I cannot change;
                    courage to change the things I can;
                    and wisdom to know the difference.

5. Energy – You’ve met my kids at the mall, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about here.

6. A nanny- For the kids AND my mom.

7. Mommy days – The kind in which the kid’s dad will actually take them for a weekend so that I can come back and be a better rested single mom.

8. More cancer free days – For my Mami. She really wants to get to watch the kids grew up and go to school.

9. A new larger car- I know, I know its way overdue, just can’t seem to get to this lately. Help me out here.

10. Barbie head – I asked for this when I was 7 or so and my dad wouldn’t have you bring it because it was too grown up to play with make-up and hair and stuff. I think I’m grown a little. It doesn’t hurt to ask a second time around.  :)

Thank you for all you do for my kids. Thank you for listening to me. I understand if you can’t get all the things on my list. Just a few would make me one happy camper. I will leave some cookies and a triple shot Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. Hot Cocoa is just not going to cut it on Christmas day with all your deliveries.



Love,
Dooritos
Mommy of Things One and Two.

Who is that chica?

As I drove the speed limit going by a school zone while glaring at a man who obviously wasn’t going the limit, I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror. Who is THAT?! What had the last three years done to me? Who is this crazy glared woman driving the speed limit?


Let me explain to you where I was just 5 years ago to get a better understanding of why I thought this very thought. I was 34(I’m praying at this moment you are bad at math), dating, dancing until 3 am, randomly taking a vacation with no destination. I was the girl you would call up because you wanted an incredible night out on the town filled with friends, laughter, and fun, fun, fun! I was carefree, wore my hair down. I definitely did not pay attention to speed limits. I had already bungee jumped, gone to Vegas with just a toothbrush and clean underwear (I was wild, not dirty). By this time I had stopped pining over the whole notion of children and a family in my future. I was a little sad but I was accepting it. This girl had hip clothes, new purses, the latest shoe trend. I would hit the gym at least 3 to 4 times a week and watch what went into my mouth. I had a standing hair, nail, pedicure, and threading appointment and never failed to make it, unless of course the night before had been treacherous and I just couldn’t peel myself off my bed by noon.



Me circa 2005 or so.


Fast forward today. I have a guy in my life, he’s three and honorary. When the heck did he start telling ME what to do? Worst of all, when did I start listening to him???!!!! I never thought that would happen! Did I mention I haven’t had a pedicure in about a month (it may be longer, I don’t remember). Thank goodness its winter and I can hide my feet. Once I see caterpillars on the top of my eyes, I know it’s time to get threaded. Oh and since when did I start wearing shoes that where more functional than stylish and painful?! Late nights for me are 10 pm on weekends, 9:30 pm on weekdays. I drive the speed limit and yell at people who don’t. I can barely splatter on any kind of make-up before someone needs to use a bathroom or left a special gift in their diaper. I still don’t pine for children, but that because I have them and totally think I would be missing something if they were not here.

Me and Thing Two at a Fresh Beat Band Event. 2010

So I may not be that cool, funny, hip young looking chica I was 5 years ago, but I am definitely a great mom, practical, loving, and occasionally I see glimpses of that funny woman I am. My kids have added much more (AHEM) character to me, and we will leave it at that.

Love Notes

Today was a somber day.  I went to the funeral of my co-worker's husband. He was only 45 and she is a widow at 44.  The thing that got to me was that the daughter he left behind is 15, just 3 years older than I was when I lost Sarge. It was from the same disease as well . Cirrhosis of the liver, a very vicious ailment that takes lives.  I think that is why it hit me so hard.  I remembered Sarge and I was back to being that 12 year old that didn't understand why this had happened.  I could explain it in a concrete manner, but never as an emotional entity. 

I had some great moments with Sarge in the brief 12 years I had him.  Sarge was able to share a lot with me then, even as a child he never spoke to me as if I was a child.  He was my best friend in the whole world.  Not a lot of people can say that about a father.  I somehow have felt along the way that I was never really able to completely full fill that relationship with him as an adult.  I was a pretty bright child, but still the complexities that are of an adult certainly are a vast difference.  Mami would tell me stories of him that I never knew and sometimes I can connect with him as an adult that way.  I still have emptiness in that department.  What was Sarge really like?  I mean besides all the nice things that people say about him, I would like to have known his real thoughts, fears, anxieties.  Even the things that may not have been so nice about him, I wanted to know.  Mami has saved some things of his in the garage, so I went snooping one day.  I found a poem that he wrote about his fears of impending death and how that would affect me and Mami.  It was eye opening and I searched for more.

Finding these notes in his own writing always made me feel comforted, closer, connected to Sarge.  I thought so much of him when I was pregnant with Thing One and Thing Two.  I even thought of my own mortality and how much that would effect the Things.  What if it happened early and they were young?  Would they know me? Do I want them to know me?  What should I say to them?  How do I go about it? 

Journal writing has always been a comfort for me so I figured these would be left for them to know me.  I have things I wrote right after Sarge passed, boy crushes, first kisses, depression, happiness, marriage, infertility problems, miscarriage, fights, boyfriends, divorce, broken hearts, anger.  Should I censor it?  I don't think so.  I want them to know I had flaws and I made mistakes.  I want them to know I was loving and crazy.  I want them to know that I was a human being and I loved them like no one else in this world and that I feared some days more than others for them.

I think it's important for me to let them know that they too will make mistakes and I will understand them, no matter what distance we have between them.  Whether that be miles or dimensions. 

For my two babies, Mommy wrote you a letter when she was pregnant with you to open on your 18th birthday.  If I am no longer with you, please make sure to read it and do the same with your children.  You will never know the day you will want to know all about your parents. 

Love Notes are forever. :)

Taming Mother Bear

Mother Bear, yes Mother Bear.  She is the instinctual part of a mother that lashes out to protect her cubs.  I think I have always had it, but never knew how much it would effect me and how much I would learn from having to protect my own cubs.

Over the weekend my cousin invited us over to celebrate her husband's birthday.  Most of her side of the family was there as well as her husband's parents and brother-in-law and nephew and niece.  The nephew, I will call "smarty pants", is a few months older than Thing One.  I thought "Great!, a playmate for Thing One".  I realize that at Two, Thing One is starting to socialize with other children but still doing parallel play which is fine.  He does pretty well with other children and really put no thought behind introducing him to Smarty Pants.

Smarty Pants proved to be a handful.  He stuck his tongue out at Thing One and Thing One just looked at him perplexed.  He looked at me and continued on playing with me in the pool, which was good because I knew he wasn't going to put much attention to this little boy who was obviously not ready to socialize with him.  What ensued next was what got me fired up inside.  Thing One was playing with a car that was left pool side. Smarty Pants came across from the other side and immediately yanked the car out of Thing One's hand and said "NO MINE!".  Thing One was a little upset at this point and looked at me with eyes like "Did you see that?!?!"  It took everything out of me not to say something, but I thought it might be possible that this toy was his, so I let it go and just explained to Thing One that Smarty Pants just wasn't quite done playing with that toy. 

Over the next few hours Smarty Pants managed to pull every toy away from Thing One's hand that he would pick up, even the one's that were not his.  I was annoyed and so was Thing One.  I had such a strong desire to just say "STOP IT SMARTY PANTS! YOU LITTLE BRAT!", but I stopped myself.  What I didn't tell you was that Smarty Pants lost his mother to breast cancer a few months ago.  I stopped and thought what would his Mom want for him?  What would she do? 

As a mother you want to protect your children, you want them to be safe.  You also want to teach your children that grace under fire is best and that they can empower themselves to be able to handle conflict independent from Mom.  I think that becoming a mom I have put myself many times in the shoes of other moms when I see them struggling with a child. I often empathize with the mom who is alone with a toddler who is throwing a screaming fit in the middle of the store.  I know what that is like now, the frustration, the fear, the OMG factor.  I can relate to all of that, it makes me a little bit more patient not just with Mother's and children,  but with people in general.  I put the WWTMD?  (What Would Their Mother Do?)theory in my head. 

What became of the scrap with Smarty Pants and Thing One?  Thing One kicked him at one point when he had had just about enough of Smarty Pants pulling things away from his hands.  I stopped Thing One and said "Don't hit" (in my head I ended it with "that gently").  I then told him to tell Smarty Pants that he wasn't done playing with the toy.  I empowered my son, great learning moment for him.  I then turned to Smarty Pants and said "He isn't done with this, but we can look for something else for you to play with".  I'm sure his Mom in heaven would have said the same thing. 

What can I say?  I tamed the Momma Bear into a sweet little bear with a soft spot. :)