First Heart Break

You know in life you always have that first heart break.  It never crossed my mind that Thing Two would experience it from the one man who should carry her heart like a delicate piece of china. Big Cheese broke her heart this weekend and I want to tear his apart for making her feel like that. 

I am typing this with bags and dark circles under my eyes. My heart breaks for my baby girl.  Saturday was her big day.  She got her first ever trophy that day. Big Cheese, no where in sight.  Las Vegas to be precise on his location.  I had a huge discussion with him about this decision. Big Cheese had known about this big day since January when the soccer schedules were given.  I would have seen it as a mere over sight had it not been for the fact that he never backed out of going. 

To top it off, it was his weekend with the Things.  He actually called me to cover for him so that he could go and he would take the next two weekends to be with the children.  I just couldn't believe he was going to miss her big day.  When I reminded him of the day and that I would cover if he still wanted to go, he said "Thanks".  I felt the blood heat up under my skin.  In my head "Thanks" was a brush off of what this would do to my little dolls heart.  I just answered "No need to Thank me, you will need to explain to the Things why you were not there".  Of course I got no answer.

Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things, and this just exacerbated those feelings. He had already let our children witness their father get into my face and yell and call me names in public.  Their little hearts were suffering and all I wanted was some kind of normal for them.  We argued once more before he left.  Big Cheese thought I was just upset because he was going to Las Vegas.  This wasn't like the times before, I wasn't concerned about our family, this time it was our children.   It was a big day, a moment that is fleeting.  It will never be her first trophy ever again.  Las Vegas will always be there, but this moment is gone.  Thing Two now holds the memory of her father being absent from that moment.

You must think by now "Well she is three, she can't possibly remember anything".  All day on Saturday we were busy, happy, or so I thought.  I saw a glimpse of her searching the crowd when she got the trophy, a slight sad look.  I just left it alone, hoping it was just me that saw that look.  Sunday morning as we ate breakfast with no one but her and I eating at the table she uttered the phrase I long feared would come sooner or later, "Mommy, Daddy wasn't at my banquet.  It made me sad.  Zoe had her daddy there".  Her face was sullen and her eyes watered and filled with salty tears that I kissed away for her.  It's all I could do.  I couldn't discount those feelings.  Her little heart was broken. 

Times like these I wish he could see what he does by some of his actions.  The same actions that made me walk away from him. Only this time it was not a 39 year old woman who's heart he broke, it was a three year old sweet vivacious little girl who's heart he broke. 

I was so sad and mad.  Mad that he had the ability to chose his own interest over his children.  How does one make things better?  I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be there and to help both my children heal from all this.  I just hope the happy feelings out weigh those that reside in her heart at this moment.

If you give a Mom a kids birthday party to plan: Mama Kat's world famous writer's workshop

This week I chose the writing prompt inspired by the children's story "If you give a mouse a cookie"  In this wonderful book, everything and anything goes, taking the mouse far from the original plan and then bringing you back.  Here is my version of this story...

If you give a mom a kids birthday party to plan…

She’s going to want to go on Pinterest and get some ideas for the perfectly themed party.

While on Pinterest she’s going to notice that her friend has a new board labeled “easy organic recipes”

She’s going to want to make some for the birthday party so she gets the recipes to try making it.

While looking over the recipe she’s going to notice that she doesn’t have all the ingredients and then heads out to Trader Joe’s to get the ingredients.

As she heads down the aisle with children in tow, she thinks “Why did I bring them???!!”  Thing Two heads in one direction with a shopping cart almost knocking out an elderly grandma and Thing One following closely behind is screaming…Wait for me! Wait for me!

As she is chasing them down the aisles to stop them she suddenly runs into her favorite section at Trader Joe’s . The “adult beverages”  She stops and notices a bottle with a happy face on it.  Surely this bottle should bring some happiness compared to this hot pickle she’s in now. 

She adds this to her shopping cart, pays and goes home.  Kids are napping  as she takes out all that she purchased and realizes that she got nothing for that said organic recipe.  The only thing visible is that happy face bottle of wine. Time to open that puppy up!

As she is pouring the wine into the HUGE goblet she remembers when life was simple and full of wine and dinner parties, and adult conversations.  She will remember that she still has a kids birthday party to plan.

Chance are if you give a mom a birthday party to plan she will be on Pinterest  midnight. YET AGAIN. *sigh*

Based on a true story:




I opted for these and didn't go with "homemade organic"

 


The cute outfit I found on Etsy via Pinterest.

 

The wine inspired me to RELAX and ENJOY.

If you are interested in knowing more about the book "If you give a mouse a cookie" I highly recommend it.  There is a series of books from the same author and Thing One and Thing Two simply enjoy them.

As always today's fabulous blog was brought to you by:



31 Cups of Happiness Challenge

31 Cups of Happiness Challenge

Tis the season of over indulging in credit card debt, shopping at odd hours, fighting off the grandmas for that last Black Friday specially priced item, etc.. etc...etc..

Stressedl, angry, tired.  That may describe all that you feel during these holidays.  Imagine that we all may feel that way? Makes for an unhappy world!  In order to alleviate all that I want to challenge all of you to this idea of spreading happiness, one cup at a time.

WTH is that???!!! Dora and her loony talk!  I know!  A cup of coffee is like a warm hug to me.  It’s the reminder of my Dad and his newspaper and cup of Joe on a lazy Sunday.  It represents the warm conversations with my dearest friends.  It means the beginning of a new work day, and that I am relieved that in this day and time I have a job to complain about.  It’s a reminder that I’m tired because my children were tended to when they were sick the night before. 

For the month of December I challenge you to spread a little cheer.  Not to those you know, but to complete strangers.  For each day during the month I want you guys to pick a stranger and buy them their coffee, hot cocoa, soda, bottled water for them.  In these times when economy is bad, jobs are scarce, anxiety high, let’s spread cheer.  J 

It can be totally anonymous or you can let them know who you are.  It’s all up to you. 

Let’s have a great holiday season and better New Year 2012!

The wheels on the bus that humble and other life experiences.

This fabulous monster is what has been my main form of transportation the last couple of months.  My car finally took a turn for the worst and is ending up resting in peace in the cemetery of twisted metal that is a junk yard.  While for most people this may not be the end all of existence in the city, it is if you live in Los Angeles.

This city plain and simply was not built for the ease of public transportation.  It has improved vastly in the last couple of years.  However it is not conducive to work with a schedule of a single mother of two who's normal commute to work is an hour each way on a normal day, without having to take a bus.  In order to get to work I was having to get up at an ungodly hour, schlep myself to a bus stop, wait in the darkness of the morning, take three buses only to end up 20 minutes from my start time.  Two hours of commuting, if I was lucky to catch the bus on time.  *SIGH* 

I have missed a bus and by missed I mean TOTALLY missed it.  I got home at 8.  Just enough time to pick the kids up, bathe them and put them to sleep.  I cried that night.  Big Cheese has been more of a hindering factor than a helping one in all this.  I asked for help and I got the "I am busy with my life, it's not my weekend, you deal with it"  speech.  It was actually an angry tirade that set me back.  I felt alone and just defeated.  I did a lot of crying, a lot of praying.  I had to figure out life, how to get me and The Things to and from all of our various activities, how I was going to come up with some reliable transportation. 

It is in the moments like this that you know who is really there for you.  I had a car for a few weeks from a family friend that is like a big brother.  He was going through his own set of difficulties and yet he helped me out.  He had gone to Mexico with a friend to visit his wife and young child, only to find his wife sick.  Turns out she has leukemia and he was staying longer to take care of her.  He saved me a couple of weeks of grief from riding the metal monster of the bus.  I have had a co-worker help me get home at a decent time occasionally.  She has a son and is a single mom and knows all to well how I was missing my babies.  Then there is the friend from Facebook who I know through her brother and mostly through posts and comments on each other's status.  She saw the post where I was on the bus and how I was people watching.  She sent me a message "I do nothing all day, I can give you a ride".  Raw in delivery but the sentiment was felt deeply.

Then there is T.  T is my source of support, my spouse in a spouse less relationship.  She made arrangements as much as she could so I wouldn't be on the bus all the time.  Then there was the slew of people keeping an eye open for a newer used car on sale.  Like Pretty Eyes, who gave me her dad's number and now I am a day closer to a newer set of wheels. 

I have been humbled, brought to tears, and then redeemed by the love of friends and family.  Life's lessons are hard to swallow, especially when there are little ones involved.  I am just glad I am seeing the light of day finally and that the Things and I will be off to new adventures again.  Minus a bus. :)

What challenges have you had as a parent?  What or who saved your sanity during that trying moment?

The Ice-Cream Mafia...BEWARE!

If you ever watched the 80' movie "Better off Dead" you will surely remember the newspaper kid...

He practically hunted down John Cusak in the whole movie. I use to laugh every time I saw these scenes, that is until the Ice-cream Mafia came after me.  

It all started innocently. It's Mami's FAULT!

 If you are a parent of a young child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The moment you hear the creepy music screeching from the truck, you break out in a sweat. Panic mode sets in. Surely the kids didn't hear the music, right? WRONG! All of a sudden you hear from the back of the house "IKEEM MAMMA! IKEEM!". Their excited squeals sound like the nails of teacher scratching on the chalk board. It's repetitive and haunting. You know the next thing they are going to say is "two dollars Momma!" 

Two dollar Spiderman Nightmare Popsicle! 

Mmm Chocolate

I swear I'm being stalked by the ice-cream truck Mafia. They know my schedule. When I get to the sitters after work they are nowhere to be found. I swear they turn off the music and wait for me to walk out of the sitter's house with the kids. They always stop and stare intently and turn the music on full blast. If that is not bad enough, they do a slow roll in front and from the other side comes a different ice-cream truck. People, I'm being bullied here! How do I explain it to a police officer about this? I mean come on all they want me to do is buy a "two dollar!" Ice-cream.

Seems ridiculous I know, but it's now become a power struggle of who is going to put up with it the most. I will not pay "two dollars" for a spider man Popsicle when I can pay a dollar more and get a box of Popsicles at the grocery store! I made the mistake of mocking the ice-cream truck posse once. I took the kids Popsicle sticks so that when they walked out the ice-cream truck would see them with the ice-cream. I felt the heat of the evil glare and declared victory when it moved on.

My glory was short lived. I see them everywhere I go now. At the park, by friends house, EVERYWHERE! They are out to get my "two dollars!". UGH! I think they've even gotten the gourmet food trucks to start stalking me now. They want to make ME fat! It's a conspiracy I tell you!

See in front of my work...the gourmet trucks all lined up!

Since you have had children in your life what ridiculous do you now fear, that did not in the slightest scare you before?

I know I'm not alone in my irrational fear check this out... *SHIVER* CREEPY!

Flashback Friday - Waiting can be the worst!

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

March 27, 2007 -  My thoughts about the amniocentesis I had and what occurred after.  

As the title says waiting for things can be the worst. I guess it all depends on what you are waiting for. I have waited in lines at the DMV (how much worse can it get, right!?) and I've waited for traffic to start to flow to get me to my destination. I have done millions of types of waiting and it doesn't get any better, but the waiting I have had to do these couple of days has had me all tied up in bunch without being able to concentrate on the most basic of things.
I had an amnio about a week and a half ago. Because I am over 35 (I know, don't be shocked! LOL) the doctor suggested I go through it. Besides there is also diabetes that runs on both sides of our family and a series of other conditions, I wanted to make sure the baby was going to be healthy.

The procedure was not half as bad as I thought it might be, especially with a giant needle going in under your belly button (ok, you can stop getting dizzy with the visual now). I just never imagined that the painful part of the whole procedure would be the waiting. Waiting just got my thoughts going in high gear, what would I do if something was not right, how would I deal with it? I think I cried once or twice because of the stress of it all, excruciating. What if the baby was less than perfect? It sounds silly, but I thought of EVERYTHING!

My mother saw how stressed I was and took me to pamper myself at the nail salon with a manicure and a pedicure, and of course words of encouragement and reassurance that everything was going to be ok. While at the nail salon I saw a young girl come in with her mother, she must have been about 22 and she had downs syndrome. I watched how her mother took care of her, and how even though she was dependent on some things, she was as normal as can be. Her mother took care of her with care and kindness, much like my mother was taking care of me.

At that moment I thought of my baby, and if something would not be ok, I would still love him the same and would deal with what could happen no matter what.

I got the call yesterday from the doctor, my baby is going to be free of all those things I feared. But I learned a lot just in the waiting. I had a few minutes of despair and I thought of all those people who are waiting, waiting for their children to get out of the preemie ward. Waiting to hear if what they have is cancer, waiting to know if a loved one will make it through the night after much illness. My heart goes out to those of you who have to wait, it's painful.

My father would say " Don't cry because you don't have shoes, there are people who have no feet".

Lesson learned Dad.

Taking my breath away

Thing One having a good day with Big Cheese. 

I knew that someday I was going to get questions from the Things about why Mommy and Daddy were in different homes. In my imaginary world I was hoping that this would NEVER come up since Thing One was 18 months old and Thing Two was 4 weeks old when we split up. Thing Two has never known really what it was like to live with Big Cheese, all she knows is two homes and she gets to see him Monday through Friday for a couple of hours. Thing One did however miss Big Cheese the first months he was gone from the house. He would often go and knock on the door to the garage, where he could find Big Cheese in his man cave. He would yell out “DADDY!”, his little mouth would droop down to a pout when he got no answer. It would break my heart when he would do that. Eventually Big Cheese and I set up a time and date for him to see the children, and things were ok for sometime and Thing One became adjusted to the routine.

For the past three weeks Thing One has been really whining a lot. He has not been as complacent to go to the baby sitters in the morning. He clings on for dear life and tells me “I want to stay home, pwease call daddy!”. I figured he was just going through a latent separation anxiety stage. I thought back to the day all this whining started. Then it clicked, it was the day in his Gymboree Sports class when I was the only Mommy there. All his friends had their Daddies. He turned to me and asked “Where Daddy?” I lied to him, I hated doing it, but I did. “He’s at work honey”. Big Cheese was actually home or out with his brother, watching a sports event on television, drinking beer. I had often asked him to try and do every other weekend with the kids, for their sake and for mine. He just told me not to tell him what to do and how to run his life. Big Cheese emphasized that he had things to do for himself, like laundry, on his days off. I was infuriated with that answer because in my mind parenting is not just Monday through Friday and things can get done with children around. Is it harder to do, yes. Is it impossible, no. I eventually let go of the idea of the children going to see Big Cheese every other weekend.

Last week I was teaching Thing One his last name and that we all have last names. We went down the list of his family. Big Cheese, Grandpa Cheese, Nana Cheese, Big Brothers Cheese, Thing Two, and Thing One, all had the last name “Olivas”. Thing One then asked about my last name. His little eyebrow furrowed when I told him my last name. He searched my face for an answer and questioned “You not Mommy Olivas?” I just responded quickly and simply “No, mommy is Gomez”. He still looked for more in my face. I moved on to another topic. Then later that night as I put him to bed he asked, with his very big sad baby brown eyes staring at me “Why Daddy not sleep here mommy?”. That one question took my breath away. I had to get my breath back and just had to remind him that we had different houses. I just gave simple answers to not so simple questions.

I think it is harder for me to explain it to Thing One, because I know what it is like to miss a father. I know exactly how painful that is, to know you can’t see Daddy for one reason or another and to really need that part of you. I lost my daddy at 12, and he was the best daddy ever. Even though I have my opinions of Big Cheese and his parenting style, it doesn’t stop the fact that Thing One thinks the world of him and needs him. This is why it is painful for me to explain the simple terms as to why his Daddy isn’t always there. I guess in time it will get better and I just need to trust that I am doing the right thing for him and his sister.

I am hoping this is just a phase and I will see a happier Thing One soon.

My plate flowth over...

No, this is not a post about how well my Thanksgiving went and what I ate.  It has everything to do with what made me snap the other night and what has been building up in the internal emotions that is Dooritos.

Every year the community center in my city has a tree lighting ceremony. I wanted the Things to see this.  I like them to participate in the community.  What I didn't expect was the feelings that would overwhelm me when we finally got there.  It started the moment I went to pick them up from the baby sitter and get them and Mami into the car.

As soon as I got home, I made sure Mami was ready to go.  She asked "de que hija?" (For what my daughter).  I was stressed from work and to come home to someone not ready to go frazzled me.  "UFF" I urged her to get ready quickly as I went across the street to get the kids.  Everyone was packed in the car and we got there barely able to squeeze into the building.

Both kids were honary, throwing themselves on the floor with any type of suggestion to stand by me.  Mami looked stressed, I was stressed.  Mami has limited mobility so really the only one that could keep up with these types of moments is me.  I tried to take a few pictures of the Things by the tree before they lit it, and of course the camera battery had died! I had to pull out my blackberry to take pictures and this is what happened:

Liliana "I get tree!"

Please look over here!

Halfway decent shot

Losing it

Right after this and during the singing, both kids layed on the floor and screamed.  I want the tree! I want outside! I want present!  I lost it in the middle of  "Hark the Angels Sing".  My "angels" were not singing, mine were SCREAMING.  In my head I was doing the very same thing.  I picked them up kicking and screaming dragged them out and just gave Mami that look of "WE ARE OUT!!".  The whole time driving home both Things  were screaming "BACK! BACK!" There was no way, they were done, and I was done.

As soon as we got home I put both kids to bed and sat exhausted, drained and with very little energy for much more.  I cried.  I cried because I never planned to do this without someone there with me. Not only for the kids but for me as well.  I have been stressed, spread thinnly in my time, and I was thinking Wonder Woman, but in reality I'm not.  I'm just a single mom with two very busy toddlers and an aging mom, who all ask a lot of my time from me.  So that very moment with all the things that I had piled on my plate something had to give.  The corn gibblets, the gravy, the bun, the whole "shibang" came tumbling down.  I felt very lonely and the tears just poured.  I let it all spill out on my facebook page and the most spectacular thing happened.  Other single mom's could relate and told me I would be ok. I needed that hug, even if it was virtual.  Thank you friends.

After this lovely treat :

Yes, that is a rice crispy treat and a glass of wine! 

I was able to breath and move forward to the next morning.  I kissed my babies and even though I am alone and stressed, I know I'm not the only single mom that goes through this and hey I've known some married mom's who have that slow come apart moment. Have you as a parent had a come apart moment?