Wordless Wednesday: WHO ME?!?!

Flashback Friday - Babies and more

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

November 15, 2005 - This marks the day I started to write my thoughts on babies and having a family in the future.  I had been pretty depressed up until this point. A year earlier I had miscarried a baby.  It was a rough road that no one talks about.  I suffered with a lot of feelings of guilt and grief.  This was the day that made me think ahead to what the future held and be hopeful.  If you are interested in the ribbon below please visit here.

Today was a rather interesting day. I forgot that I was invited to my girlfriends baby shower. I think I forgot intentionally, it's been a long road to this day. I haven't been to a baby shower since I had my miscarriage almost a year ago.

I knew today was going to be a bit strange for me, and I thought I was going to be all crazy with different feelings. I was for like a moment, and then I put it all aside, because after all this was my friends day and not my pity party. Well turns out that when we got to the shower, she wasn't at her home, she had delivered the baby 2 months early! Her and the baby are doing just fine, thank god, but in that moment I felt the need to call up my ex boyfriend and tell him about our friends new baby.

I actually didn't call him up, I just left him a text message. Too chicken I guess to talk to him. Then he text me back, that's good, tell them congratulations. In that very moment I realized something. I was holding on to him and that he would never change his views on the whole, having a family and stuff. He will never be the one man I had hoped he would be. I was over it, and him and I let go at that moment. Amazing what a little clarity will do in a blink of a moment.

My friend "C"  described that as sad. The final realization that it's over. I beg to differ on that I don't think it's sad, I think it's more of learning and opening other doors in your life. I'm content right now, and somewhere out there is a man who would want the same things I want and will want to share the things I want to share. For now I'm not looking, I want him to find me!

So, let me go on with my content self and go out and have a good time with old friends. So I'm off to have dinner with friends. Enjoy your moments of enlightenment my friends, don't fret!

Here is a story for you to retell... I have a heart that bleeds

I have spilled my feelings of rage, anger, sadness, happiness and loneliness all over pages and pages of blogs, journals, and posts on my facebook page, just to have them come back to me as a dagger. My own words twisted and retorted as vicious gossip that is told to Big Cheese.  Big Cheese is not the type to figure out that some people don't have your best interest at heart.  They use these words to spin drama, to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  They do this to stir feelings of chaos for their own enjoyment. 

Now, I'm sure that maybe some of the things that get reported back to Big Cheese of the things are innocently mentioned.  I am not a complete idiot about things like this happening.  I am after all a fairly reasonably person.  Big Cheese is known for making me feel like everything is my fault, that I decided to have a split family.  Despite my many attempts at reconnecting my whole fantasy of a traditional family, despite the numerous times I have set aside my pride, the very fiber of who I am to do this.  So don't think I know that this may be the case.  Do me a favor, when you retell the story show the whole scenario.

Have I felt lonely and sad, yes, yes I have.  I want a big shoulder to cry on to tell me that I am doing ok as a mom, as a woman as a freakin' human being. I want to have a friend in the person I am with.  Big Cheese, I know tries, but there is a huge disconnect in our relationship.  He has been holding on to things that happened when we were dating.  Things that I am not proud of doing. I have apologized, I have tried to move to the present.  I have even disregarded his mistakes during my pregnancy.  He can't let go, he is still angry.  It may not be outwardly apparent, but he lets it all out when we argue.  I can't keep living in the past, my children deserve two happy parents to raise them. 

Like I said I take responsibility for my part in the failure of this relationship, I'm no angel.  I have however vowed to be true to my children.  I have not introduced to anyone I may start dating, because simply put there is no one.  I respect myself to know that this is not a good time for me to even consider that.  Do I desire that attention? Sure, who wouldn't.   I am first and foremost a mother of two young children who deserve my attention right now.  Maybe down the road I can revisit that place as the woman I want to be.  I want to be "that" person for someone and they can be that for me, for now I am ok with just me and the kids. Big Cheese can't meet me half way and talk to me like an adult.  He resorts to insults and raising of his voice.  I will not let him bring me down and make me feel like this is all of my fault. Just because I told him to leave, does not give him the right to blame me for all of it and not take responsibility for his part.

I leave my future in this and any other relationship in God's hands.  I can't do anything else.  I often feel defeated in that department.  Still I pick myself up and dust off and move forward.  Why?  Well here is the simple answer:

So if you want to retell false truths remember this, your words and gossip affects more than just me.  It's like throwing a pebble into a pond, the ripples get bigger and you hurt more than one person with greater intensity.  If that makes you sleep better at night, so be it.  Just do me a favor, sign up to my RSS feed so you can get all the information correct and show him what you read instead of interpretting it on your own. 

Thanks a lot! May you find peace of heart.
 

Being Vigilant

The story of a toddler falling to his death at Staples center after a Laker game got me very upset.  Not for the reason that many of you might think it would upset me.  I read comments on another news link that throughly upset me.  I'm sure most of these people were asking what most of us ask in our mind but they posted it for all to see.  One comment was "Why wasn't this kid on a leash!" another was "Where the hell where this kid's parents?" another statement was "These negligent parent's should be remorseful and go to hell"

I don't know how you can make those statements without having all the facts of the situation.  You don't know if that childs family might read them.  How do you make such blatent statements without thinking of how powerfully hurtful those words can be to this family. 

I have two children about the same age and I can honestly say, I have not always been as careful with my kids.  Just the other day I was putting the children in the car and in my mad dash of buckle, strap, check time, hurry I forgot to buckle my son all the way into his carseat.  I didn't realize he was not buckled into his car seat until we got to our destination.  I felt horrible, shaken, thinking about all that could have happened because I forgot to buckle his carseat.  I wanted to cry.  Luckily my beautiful son was not hurt, we did not get into a car accident, and he was sitting there kissing me and smiling at me.  

There have been many instances where I have not always been the most careful with my children, but I try to do what I can being a single mother with two very busy toddlers.  We can't all be perfect, we are human and children are curious, busy and FAST.  Before you can reach them they can be gone, running towards danger.  No matter what you think of these parent's actions, one thing is clear, they lost a child tragically.  No amount of negative comments will bring that child back or make the parents feel any more remorseful than they already are.  You say "Those parent's should have been more vigilant"  I say "Why aren't you more vigilant of what you say". 

My heart goes out to this family.