Single mom: "NOT FEELING GUILTY"

It has been almost two months that I have had every other weekend off of my mommy duties.  Big Cheese has been really good about taking the Things and we have had a better understanding of each others responsibilities.  I have read a lot of blogs of single parents who truly feel guilt as well as sadness when their children go with the other parent's home.  I often think there must be something wrong with me, because I truly don't feel that way.  I have friends who are single parents as well tell me I would be sad and that I would miss them. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  The first weekend I had without the children I did things I hadn't done in a while:

• I cleaned out rooms, sorted clothes (mine and the children's) without interruptions
• I had coffee and conversation with friends, without yelling at children to stop what they were doing.
• I exercised, and not by running after toddlers or with the help of Gymboree. 
• I sat on the couch and vegged in front of the TV staring aimlessly at shows minus animated characters and singing involved.
• I ate a hot meal that had just been served, no reheating involved.
• I stayed in my PJ's until 3 by choice, not because there was no time for a shower or ability to change.
• I showered in warm water for close to 30 minutes with no one banging at the door to get in.

Sure there was times in the day when I thought about what the Things were doing, but it had been so long since the last time I actually got to do all of the things above that I relished in it. I also figure that since they were with Big Cheese and had the opportunity to build a stronger bond with him, it was a very good thing for my babies.  I have to say I think I finally found an upside to this single/co-parenting situation.  I get some ME time to help me get in gear to be a better parent for Thing One and Thing Two.

What is your way of getting ME time?  Do you feel guilty or refreshed?

The Solution...for now

Last week was really rough.  I didn't even have motivation to write.  As many of us did, I was glued to the news about what was going on in in Japan with the earthquake, the Tsunami and all of the devastation and loss of lost ones.  I was also going through a tough time coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to do what was best for my children.  Previously I had mentioned that Thing One was needing his father more than what he normally was use to.  It has progressed into a little bit more of stress induced bed wetting and has put this mommy's heart into a spin.  No one likes to see their child go through pain. 

Big Cheese and I have had no custody agreements or visitation set up by the courts, we have just agreed for the most part on what works for the kids at the time.  It has worked more or less until now.  Big Cheese has a work schedule that fluctuates every 6 months and we have to revisit how we are going to make arrangements with the kids and such.  He rarely has had the babies over night, because he works nights.  However he does get two days off of work and he for the most part has not asked to have them stay over night.  This has worked because of the simple fact that our children were still very young. 

Thing One has been asking for more time with Big Cheese.  I brought this to Big Cheese's attention in hopes that discussing it we could come up with a solution on having both children visit over night.  It has been a battle since I brought this up.  Two weeks ago Big Cheese promised to spend a Sunday into Monday with the children.  The week before this was to happen Big Cheese informed me at Thing One's soccer game that he was not going to be in town the next week.  That very moment I was sent into mad insane anger.  Thing One had already been told that he and Thing Two were going to their Daddy's house.  One thing I cannot handle very well is that my child be disappointed by something completely preventable. 

I took action and put my foot down.  Some call it spiteful, some may even call it vindictive, but I had to do what I had to for my children's sake.  The Monday following his "vacation"  I informed him that I was no longer allowing him to see the children all week as we had previously planned.  He had always said that he did not want to have the children over the weekend because: 1.  He spent all week with them Monday through Friday and he needed a break.  and 2. I always did stuff with the kids on the weekend anyway.  I explained it to him that if he thought he was spending too much time with them that we could cut his visitation to one day a week and every other weekend. 

I saw shock in his face.  My stomach churned from the stress of the decision I had come to.  I was uneasy with it, I wanted what was best for my children and I felt as if I was being cornered to make decisions based on the inability of others to see the whole picture.  Somehow coming to this decision empowered me a bit because even though he was angry and my children had to adjust to the change, I was trying to do what was right by my children.  I could see if this was a battle for time for myself(which I need from time to time) how this can be seen as wrong.  Mostly I was doing it for Thing One and his struggle to come to terms with separate homes.  That made me able to get through all the turmoil in my head. 

Wednesday came and Big Cheese picked up the children.  Thursday he returned to the babysitters home to pick up the children.  He again was shocked that I wasn't going to allow him to take the children.  Big Cheese called and I stood my ground and explained as to why I was doing what I was doing.  He started to cry and tell me that he could not stand seeing the children cry when he left them and that he loved them.  This is when I believe my point came across.  "I go through that same feeling every time you promise our children you will be there, and then you dont' come through".  The silence after that statement was deafening. We actually calmed down and talked about having the kids go over to his home every other weekend.  I even asked if he needed time to himself during the week so that I could make arrangements to have the baby sitter take the children more days.  To my surprise he said no, I'm ok. 

My head stopped spinning, my heart was happier.  Not only was I being heard, but I was being heard because of the love we both share for our children.  I would say it was a great moment for us.  Co-parenting is not an easy thing.  People get hurt, children get hurt, but when it works for the best my heart sings.

Have you ever gone through a difficult time co-parenting?  How did things ultimately work out?

The shoe is on the other foot.

Just another Saturday night being silly.

In my past life before my beautiful children, before my nice existence in the Human Resource world, I was a preschool teacher.  During those times I saw many children and their parents through some rough times as well as some great times.  The rough times were always when I had observed something that was troublesome, something that was a marker for development that wasn't being met.  I would jot down what I observed watched like a scientist.  I would compare to the markers of development and how that was fitting into the dynamic of the group and of the development of the children as a whole.  Delivering news to parents that there was a concern was always done in a respectful and very thorough way.  These were small children, and I was with them most of the day.  I saw things that maybe their parents did not see, or did not want to see. I had one parent many years ago tell me that what I saw was nothing, that I didn't know what I was talking about. Years later I heard that this young child did not get the help he needed then and that the child, now a teenager was being reffered to special needs classes.  I just thought of all the years that could have been easier for this child, had this parent not taken what I was saying as an insult on their parenting. 

I have always known that if the shoe is on the other foot, your opinion can change, especially if it is your own child.  This actually took place at Thing One's yearly doctor's appointment when he was two.  I had always observed that Thing One was always moving, fidgety and increasingly impatient. I figured it was a part of being a toddler. Even as an infant he couldn't be held more than a few minutes without wiggling and moving going on.  While waiting for the doctor Thing One was wide awake from a nap and full of his normal energy.  He was playing tag with the doors, fidgeting through the clothes I was taking off of him and I was exhausted.  All this at noon, exhausting.  First time mom I just thought he's just energetic.  When the doctor came in she observed what I had been use to seeing on a daily with Thing One.  She asked me if I had any question ran through his chart and did the normal check ears etcetera.  Then she said it after watching me get him two or three times to get him to sit and to focus a little.  "We have parenting classes for a high energy child if you are interested".  I recognized the tone and the message.  I asked "What do you mean? Do you think it's ADHD?".  It clicked, I saw it too.  His energy level his loss of focus, or was he just being two?  PANIC.  I think I started to breathe harder and I probably even was pale in the face with this news.  The doctor just said "He is at the high end of energy, I have observed so far.  I have a son just like this.  We won't test him until he is older, if this continues".  I felt like I had been hit by a million brick and I was ready for my knees to buckle.  I was the parent this time.

What I did I do you ask?  Well I didn't ignore what the doctor had said.  I read a lot, I observe when Thing One is in a group of children.  These are all things I was taught to do.  I don't want to ignore the signs, I don't want Thing One to be a teenager and be struggling when I could have taken note and helped along the way.  I do realize that all the things I can do from now until the test may not make a huge difference, but it's being proactive and not letting things for him slip away.  I may not like the prognosis, but there are things I can do and try to be prepared for him to thrive.   There is a lot of guilt that goes on sometimes and I often see my behaviors and wonder if he is this way because of how I am or what I did during my pregnancy.  Then I realize this is not conducive to helping him. 

This is a clip from the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin.  Never had this made more sense to me as it does now.

In the end, it doesn't matter if he has ADHD to me, it matters that I did something to try and help him along the way and that this is livable and we will make it through no matter what.

The moment love struck...



August 11, 2011

January 14, 2009

People will tell you that you will love your child, but no one ever tells you that the intensity is beyond anything words can describe.  The moment I layed eyes on my children my heart jumped to my throat and I know maybe part of it was hormonal, but it doesn't take away from that moment.  I am truly grateful that God has graced me with my two angels.  They grace me with gifts of love everyday.  I love when Thing One grabs my face and demands my attention, because he desires no one else's attention but mine.  Thing Two and her sweetness does not leave my side from the moment I get home from work (Not even to the restroom).  I desire their company and love as much as they desire mine.  So for those naysayers of today's holiday, I say this: It is not about expressions of love between lovers, but the genuine love you feel for another person.  Even if they are only 2 and 3  years old.  I love my babies.  Have a great day sharing your love my friends.

You're doing it wrong!

Hey Mom, what is this thing the nurse put me in???!!

The title of this is exactly what I heard the nurse say to me as I swaddled Thing One and she looked on. You would think that as a new mom I would have been more compliant and done things as the nurse was saying to do. The thing is that I had swaddled many babies by this point, just not my very own. The nurse kept saying "no tuck his hands in". Again she had no clue what I was doing. For the brief couple of hours I had been with my son I noticed he was comforting himself by grasping his hands in front of his face and sucking the top of his tiny knuckles. To me it only seemed obvious to swaddle him with his little grasped hands in front of him to keep him calm. I really resented that nurse for telling me I was swaddling my child wrong, when she had no idea who I or my child were.

Ahhhh!!! this is so much better, thank you Mommy!

I have read my share of baby books and debates on everything from circumcision, diapers, bottles, pacifiers, day care, babysitting, treating colds, preventing colds, toddler tantrums, discipline, potty training. I will tell you this, all that reading never prepares you thoroughly for your own children. It is helpful in some situations and you try the methods others have suggested. I am not closed off to other opinions and suggestions, I just know my own children.

I think that is why it bothers me when I hear or read posts in which a mother is being criticized by her methods of parenting. Just because it may be different than your own parenting ways does not make it wrong. I have had my share of debates about certain things that I feel may be dangerous for a child, but a debate is different than straight criticism. 
I have a friend Pretty Eyes who is very protective of her son who is merely a month older than mine. When it comes to parenting I have to say I'm a little more relaxed than she is. Is it wrong? No, by no means. She has ALWAYS been more cautious and wiped everything with antiseptic wipes. When we were child free we walked barefoot on the streets after a long night of dancing. I went home and crashed on the couch, and she scrubbed her feet, rinsed and scrubbed them again at three in the morning. When we were pregnant. She spent most of her time away from people who were sick, rested a lot, and was very vigilant of her diet. I was around tons of people, many who might have been sick, and ate everything in sight! Recently Thing One had a swimming pool birthday party and while my son had trunks on hers had a full body suit with extra sunscreen. I find nothing wrong with her methods. They are different than mine, yes. I have heard many criticize her and other parents like her, say things like "she isn't letting him do things"  blah, blah, blah.

Well what you don't know is Pretty Eyes had a son before this one. He was born premature, he was sick for the first month of his life. He had some health complications and she fought to keep him as healthy as possible. He was doing well until he was about 4 months old. He fell ill and he left us all much too soon.


You never know the reason why parents make choices in how they parent a child. It may be that they know their children's quirks the moment they are born, it may be that this parent's personality is the reason they do things a certain way, or it may be that you want nothing to happen to your child because of the loss you feel. Parents are humans with feelings, so "suggest nicely" and "don't criticize harshly". You may never know what is behind that parents logic if you don't put yourself in their situation with their children.  So parents when you hear someone say you are doing it wrong all you have to say is, that may be true for you but not for my children and I. :)

Music that make you go... hmmmmmm

The year 1987:  I was 16 years old going to house parties (Yes I KNOW…bad girl!) My hair was pumped up with the Super Hold white can of Aqua Net and I was rockin’ my bobby socks with heels along with the big fat belt wrapped around my long shirt and my too short skirt.  This song was always pumping while I was getting ready to go to the house party:

OH my youth! This reminds me of good times doing bad things. I could have been kidnapped, raped, etc, etc, etc…but I survived unscathed. It is always great to have those memories of the time when you were wild and young. Music always brings me to a fun memory of what I was doing when listening to a particular song.

Fast forward to my life some 20 some odd years later. Here I am single mommy to two beautiful impressionable children. I let them listen to a variety of music, because I love music. I even got a whole bunch of CDs from Rockabye Baby. My kids have been listening to since they were in the womb. I love the concept of popular music set for children. It drives me less crazy than listening to Barney singing “I love you” for the umpteenth millionth time.


So the other night while I was making dinner as usual I turn on Nick Jr. for the kids so that they can stay out of my hair long enough for me to finish. Yo Gabba Gabba was on and as I frequently do, I chimed in listening to what they were watching. What happened was I heard a familiar tune:

I was shocked, completely stupefied! There was nothing wrong with the choice of music or the episode, just one thing. I was brought back to me in that mini skirt at 16 out at a party drinking beer and pretending I was uber cool. Then it hit me, I’m a responsible adult, a parent! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The magic of this song is no longer a happy memory; it is the realization that someday I will have teenagers that will want to do the same wild things I was doing. I think this is the moment Mami was looking forward to when I was a teenager “You will see when you have kids” Thanks Mami.


Anyone have that pivotal moment when you realize you are now on the other end of parenting?

The Chupy (Pacifier) Chronicles

AHEM..*Stands in front of podium and adjusts microphone*

"Hi my name is Dooritos, I am a mommy who has let her child have a Chupy (Pacifier) until the age of 2"

Yes, I feel like I need to be in an 12 step program when taking away my last babies special Chupy.  Why does it feel like I have to let her go from being my baby girl?! UGH! 

• First step:  Admit I'm powerless over the fact that my 2 year old needs a chupy and that every minute of the day has been overwhelmed with demands of this "Chupy".  When did losing a chupy put me in panic mode??!!!
• Second step:  Making the decision to finally get rid of the Chupy and letting my 2 year old get a hold of herself and comforting herself without the help of said "chupy".

Day one of operation "NO CHUPY" Step One was realized on her second birthday.  When I thought, she's a grown little girl, she talks, makes demands, and really is no longer a helpless baby.  OH MY...she still has a chupy!!!!  Ok time for intervention....TOMORROW.  :)

Why hide this beautiful smile behind a Chupy?!



Her last time with her beloved Chupy. (or so I thought)

Day two of operation "NO Chupy" went something like this:

Me: "Good Morning Thing Two! How are you?" 

Thing Two: "I want Chupy"

Me: "No you're two now.  You are a big girl and big girls don't use a Chupy"

Thing Two: " I NOT TWO! I NOT BIG GIRL!"

Me: *Blank stare* SIGH

I ignored her request and we went on to Gymboree and our normal routine, without much fuss.  Then we drove home and Thing Two fell asleep in the car.  As I was moving her from the car to her bed she woke up demanding said Chupy.  Again I said no.  This is what occurred right after:

*SIGH*  She finally calmed down and I was more exhausted from the whole ordeal than maybe she was.  It could have also have been that I had been feeling sick and the birthday party the evening before had just wasted me away to an absolute stupor.  Grandpa Big Cheese offered to take the kids over night, and I gladly handed them over.  This is the part when we fall off the wagon.  I handed Grandpa Big Cheese the much acclaimed Chupy.  I wasn't going to have him go through what I went through.  "Just give it to her tonight, I will deal with this tomorrow"  The Chupy won that time.  I felt defeated and tired.  Tomorrow would be another day.

Day three of operation "NO Chupy" went a little better. We had already limited the Chupy use months ago to just nap and just bed time.  She occasionally found one and stuck it in her mouth during these months.  All day, no Chupy requests, thank goodness!  Then came bedtime.  Thing Two requested over and over her beloved Chupy.  Finally at about 11:00 pm she fell asleep Chupy-less.  RELIEF!  Then at about three in the morning I got a visitor in my bedroom.  All I heard was a small whisper "Mommy Chuppy".  Again explained she was a big girl and put her back to bed.  An hour later she found her way back to my room "Mommy Chupy.  I sleep you?" I needed sleep, so in she went to my bed while I slept for another 30 minutes just to be awakened by my lovely alarm clock.  I think this was the point when I met the step of making a decision to let God take over. GOD, please let me get through this!!!

Day four of operation "No Chupy" was splendid.  No chupy requests, no fighting her sleep, just sleep at a decent hour.  This was a great day!

Day five of operation "No Chupy", what happened to day four!!!!  Well Thing Two stayed up until 11 pm requesting, pleading, begging for her Chupy.  I almost gave in, but I remembered the day before and the success of that day.  She fell asleep and I got no visitor that night. 

Day six, my goodness I'm exhausted!  She's exhausted too, I can see it across her face.  That night not much screaming or pleading, just a simple question, "Chupy mommy?"   Again the big girl conversation was told to Thing Two.  This time after I finished I got a sigh and an "OKAY".  Wow, that was something I didn't expect. I think she reached the acceptance step.  Then I got a visit at two in the morning, "Mommy I sleep you?".  SIGH, from me this time.  OKAY.

Today is day seven, a week from the time we both have been going through this operation "No Chupy".  It a long road but I think we both have gone through most of the process.  Eventually we will get to the point where a Chupy is no longer mentioned, like that one family member that is never spoken about at family parties.  Today, we will have ice-cream and I will remind her what a big girl she is and how proud I am of her.

I'm still exhausted, I'm still going through growing pains, but it needs to be done.  She will be ok, but it's still hard.  I'm going to hate potty training her.

What challenges have you had with your children?  Have you felt like you have been put through it with them? 

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...

A year in review…2010 and A year ahead 2011

 

It’s the end of the year and as always I like to reflect back and look forward. This year was eventful in the world as well as in my life.

 

• We saw Haiti be demolished by a devastating earthquake at the beginning of the year. Millions of people lost, so sad to see so many lives taken that left many children orphaned. I saw all that and held my children tighter, worried more about the kind of earthquake that could happen living in Los Angeles, and prayed a lot more.
   
•  My darling baby girl turned one in January. So much in a year had happened and she had grown so much. She had me worried for a very long time after because she didn’t let go and walk until she was 16 months old. Walking didn’t last long, she was running and keeping up with her brother. She has certainly been one of the best blessings I have received.
   
• This year also marked the first year I survived single parenting. I was able to think of where I was a year from that point and remembered all that I had done as a single parent. It is still a long road but one I’m willing to do for the sake of my children.
   
• My big boy was potty trained in the summer before his third birthday. (yeah! less diapers to change!) He has become quite a comedian this year. He is definitely the little man of the house. He protects his sister and always asks “you ok mama?” when he knows I’ve had a rough day. He is definitely a challenge in all aspects, but he is my love.
   
• The chants of Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le! Inspired all of us. How much we pulled for these miners and their families. The human spirit can endure so much and can make through so much turmoil. My hats off to these men and all that surrounded the efforts to save these men and get them out alive.
   
• Mami had a tumor scare on her other breast. I held my breath for 2 weeks when finally the results came in. The lump the doctor had felt was nothing. I was able to stop holding my breath and breathe again. Another year cancer free.
   
• I will be turning 4 decades old this month. Amazing how life just spins from the moment you are looking at how hard some multiplication table are in elementary school to how hard it is to balance children, an aging parent, work, responsibilities, and a personal life. 

Where will I be heading in 2011? There are a lot of wishes I have for the coming year. Not resolutions, but hopes and dreams.

• To be patient as I train my last baby how to go potty. I want to be diaper free by the end of 2011. (crosses fingers, does a few rosaries, and prays really really hard)
• To get the children’s father to agree to taking the kids every other weekend. The need Daddy time and I need my sanity back, even for a weekend.•To reconnect with my single self. I tried so hard last year to make it work with the kids dad, to try to mend hurt feelings. I now know I tried my best for my part in all this mess and like my dad said, you can take a mule to the river, but you can’t make him drink. There is a lot of damage that requires my attention, inside and out. Positive results come from positive thinking
• Take time to organize, regroup and enjoy the time I have with my little babies. Before you know it they will be grown and these moments will be cherished times.
• Get the little guy into school, sports etc. He is like a sponge he has the need to absorb all that is around
• Make it to church on days that are not just religious holidays. I may not agree with all the church has to say but my heart feels at peace when I go.
•  To be able to talk to the children’s father without feeling angry about his lack of attention to details about the kids. I can’t change his parenting skills. I can only change my approach to his view on parenting.
• Pick up the phone and call friends occasionally. It gives that personal touch that a text message just doesn’t have.
• To continue to maintain a vigilant eye on Mami and her health. Just let us have another year cancer free.

Do you make a yearly inventory of where you have been and where you are going? 

Santa, I have my list ready! :)

Dear Santa,

I know that you normally get letters from small children and deliver special gifts to those younger than, ummm let’s just say 10 years of age. However we all have special wishes and here are mine:

1. Less tantrums and anger - Mine, the kids, and their fathers.

2. Confidence - The kind that make me feel that the decisions I have made for my children are going to be ok for them.

3. An extra set of arms- To be able to be able to hold the many hands and items they bring along (toys, blankies, binkies etc...)

4. Serenity –Just like the prayer says:

                    grant me the serenity
                    to accept the things I cannot change;
                    courage to change the things I can;
                    and wisdom to know the difference.

5. Energy – You’ve met my kids at the mall, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about here.

6. A nanny- For the kids AND my mom.

7. Mommy days – The kind in which the kid’s dad will actually take them for a weekend so that I can come back and be a better rested single mom.

8. More cancer free days – For my Mami. She really wants to get to watch the kids grew up and go to school.

9. A new larger car- I know, I know its way overdue, just can’t seem to get to this lately. Help me out here.

10. Barbie head – I asked for this when I was 7 or so and my dad wouldn’t have you bring it because it was too grown up to play with make-up and hair and stuff. I think I’m grown a little. It doesn’t hurt to ask a second time around.  :)

Thank you for all you do for my kids. Thank you for listening to me. I understand if you can’t get all the things on my list. Just a few would make me one happy camper. I will leave some cookies and a triple shot Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. Hot Cocoa is just not going to cut it on Christmas day with all your deliveries.



Love,
Dooritos
Mommy of Things One and Two.

Love Notes

Today was a somber day.  I went to the funeral of my co-worker's husband. He was only 45 and she is a widow at 44.  The thing that got to me was that the daughter he left behind is 15, just 3 years older than I was when I lost Sarge. It was from the same disease as well . Cirrhosis of the liver, a very vicious ailment that takes lives.  I think that is why it hit me so hard.  I remembered Sarge and I was back to being that 12 year old that didn't understand why this had happened.  I could explain it in a concrete manner, but never as an emotional entity. 

I had some great moments with Sarge in the brief 12 years I had him.  Sarge was able to share a lot with me then, even as a child he never spoke to me as if I was a child.  He was my best friend in the whole world.  Not a lot of people can say that about a father.  I somehow have felt along the way that I was never really able to completely full fill that relationship with him as an adult.  I was a pretty bright child, but still the complexities that are of an adult certainly are a vast difference.  Mami would tell me stories of him that I never knew and sometimes I can connect with him as an adult that way.  I still have emptiness in that department.  What was Sarge really like?  I mean besides all the nice things that people say about him, I would like to have known his real thoughts, fears, anxieties.  Even the things that may not have been so nice about him, I wanted to know.  Mami has saved some things of his in the garage, so I went snooping one day.  I found a poem that he wrote about his fears of impending death and how that would affect me and Mami.  It was eye opening and I searched for more.

Finding these notes in his own writing always made me feel comforted, closer, connected to Sarge.  I thought so much of him when I was pregnant with Thing One and Thing Two.  I even thought of my own mortality and how much that would effect the Things.  What if it happened early and they were young?  Would they know me? Do I want them to know me?  What should I say to them?  How do I go about it? 

Journal writing has always been a comfort for me so I figured these would be left for them to know me.  I have things I wrote right after Sarge passed, boy crushes, first kisses, depression, happiness, marriage, infertility problems, miscarriage, fights, boyfriends, divorce, broken hearts, anger.  Should I censor it?  I don't think so.  I want them to know I had flaws and I made mistakes.  I want them to know I was loving and crazy.  I want them to know that I was a human being and I loved them like no one else in this world and that I feared some days more than others for them.

I think it's important for me to let them know that they too will make mistakes and I will understand them, no matter what distance we have between them.  Whether that be miles or dimensions. 

For my two babies, Mommy wrote you a letter when she was pregnant with you to open on your 18th birthday.  If I am no longer with you, please make sure to read it and do the same with your children.  You will never know the day you will want to know all about your parents. 

Love Notes are forever. :)

AMA

BIG BOLD BRIGHT RED LETTERS - AMA

That was the big acronym strewn across my medical file when I glanced over.  It was a prenatal appointment I had when I was pregnant with Thing One.  I thought to myself "What the heck was that?!"  Did I have something that was bad?  Was the Doctor not telling me everything? What in the world could AMA be?  Being hormonal and being beside myself with worry I had to ask the doctor.  "I'm sorry, but I notice the initials AMA on my chart, can you tell me what that is?"  The ugly truth, the cold hard facts were about to hit me at that point "Oh sure, it means Advanced Maternal Age".  I sat there and looked again and I thought...Oh my GOSH!  I'm OLD!  In fancy medical, politically correct terms, but yes it meant OLD!

It took me months and months to be ok with that big bright red acronym to be on my file.  It was like a scarlett letter, I was old, different, not young enough to be having kids.  Utterly frustrating to me at one point thinking, why are you putting me in the OLD catergory.  I'm not peeing myself, YET!  I had never thought of myself in those terms.  I always considered myself young, hip, with it.  Hmm...why???!!!  I guess the medical community agrees that I was not of "child bearing" age.  I was 36, and I was far from the age of the girl sitting next to me in the medical office waiting room, who was like 10 years my junior.  Mind you, we were both expecting our first child. 

It was really not a choice of mine, by far to be AMA.  I had tried for a good 2 years to get pregnant with Prince Charming, when I was 28.  It had failed miserably and accounted for a lot of turmoil that led up to our divorce.  By the time that happened I was 30.  I had 5 good "child bearing" years I figured.  Within those years I met The Frog.  I did get pregnant at 33 only to lose the baby I was to have with The Frog. Depression hit me hard after that and any type of hope to bear a child was out the door.  I date Big Cheese with no intention on having children, I had hit the big 3 - 5! SURPRISE! PREGNANT!

I always thought I wanted to be a hip young mom, not too young, but young.  Life had other plans for me.  I have worried a lot about being the oldest mom in playgroups, not being able to relate with the other mothers.  Quite to my surprise, once you become a mother, you share the same fears, the same hapiness, the same guilt.  It's a huge sisterhood, for sure. 

My other fear I had was my own health and mortality.  Will I be here long enough to teach my children all the need to know?  Will I be capable of the demands that young children have, physically?  Both of my parents were older when I was conceived and I lost my father at the age of 12.  I feel that this is why I worried so much.  After having Thing One I realized one thing, sure I was older, but I wasn't dying and I had some control of my health.  I was still able and capable of taking on this new chapter in my life.

I will have to say that being AMA has it's advantages in some aspects.  I have more patience with them because I don't have to worry about going to school, or that I have not yet found my identity.  I have done my share of going out with my friends, with experiencing the world around me.  Of course there is room for growth and exploring, but this time I'm willing to do it through the eyes of Thing One and Thing Two. 

Who needs a fountain of youth???!!!! I have Thing One and Thing Two! :)