Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts

July 4, 2017

Mami : An American Story

In Ecuador on October 17, 1932 a baby girl was born to a young fifteen year old Ecuadorian girl and a nineteen year old Peruvian young man.  Her father's roots were said to be in Spain and her mother's family had been in Ecuador for as long as she could remember.  That baby girl was my mother.

Growing up she had several moments when her paternal grandmother would take her to visit and would take her to see Shirley Temple movies.  My Mami was consumed with everything that she saw on the screen about America.  She asked for a doll from her grandmother and the one that was purchased for her was a white doll with curly blonde hair and blue eyes.  It had been imported from America and it was one of her most cherished possessions as a child. She wanted to be Shirley Temple and wanted to see all the wonderful places in the movie.  Her dreams were to one day be taken to America to visit as promised by her paternal grandmother.  That however was never to be fulfilled. 

Life as it does always came to give her a dose of reality.  Her father left for Peru and her father's family followed shortly, to never be seen again by that impressionable little girl.  From what I remember she always had a sense of sadness when she would tell me about never hearing from them again. Following soon after, at the very tender age of 12 it took a dramatic turn, her mother died. Then it was revealed that the woman who had been raising her was not her mother, but her grandmother and that her sister was actually her mother. She went to live with her mother and she was not happy and became rather rebellious in her teen years.  

At seventeen she left home to live with a much older man who made her promises to take her to the United States at one point.  Shortly after leaving she became pregnant with her first child and named him after the first president of the United States , Washington.  She could not wait to one day be taken to the United States, to be a part of a country where her  rebellious nature in Ecuador would be seen that of an independent woman with a lot to contribute in the U.S.  Unfortunately her dreams were side tracked once again.  Living with someone older and the adult responsibilities were too much for her.  She lived unconventionally after that scraping money to get by, giving birth to two daughters afterward.  Again her love of  America was showing in the names of her daughters. American names by all accounts, Jenny and Jacquelyn.  Jacquelyn, the name of her favorite American president's wife. She told me she cried heavily when President Kennedy died.

One day in 1967, that little girl was given the opportunity to go to the United States on a visitor's visa.  Her half sister on her father's side told her she could stay with her in Los Angeles and find her some work.  She sold all her belongings, packed up her daughter Jacquelyn, said goodbye to her family, to the only country she had ever known. Her dream of coming to America came true.  

Being in America was rough, my mom understood that she was there on a visitor visa but there was no way she was ever leaving the one place she had dreamt of being since she was a child.  Not even the day that she was told that she was getting sent back to Ecuador for working under a visitor's visa. Desperate measures called for desperate times. Her and my sister went in hiding in different homes of people who she worked along side with at the factory.  These Mexican-American women, who later on in life would become my adopted family, shielded my Mami and sister to help keep that dream alive of being in a country of opportunity for them.  One of my adopted aunts introduced my mom to a man who was handsome, witty, made her laugh, and offered her the opportunity to stay in America.  He married her to help her and my sister out to be able to stay in this country.  I was born a year and a half after they were married. 

In the years that followed my Mami taught me the importance of all the opportunities I had in this country, especially being a female.  Women in her country were told they could not be a certain way or have a voice because of culture that did not believe women could offer more.  She taught me the importance of making it to the voting booth.  She would sit me in front of the television every presidential election night and would cheer like it was a soccer game for her favorite candidate.  She was the one who taught me about American government, about how president gets voted by the electoral college.  When my dad died she was even more determined to be a part of the country.  She wanted to be more than the wife of an American, she wanted to BE and American.  I still remember helping her as a teen practicing all the questions for the citizenship test.  She aced it and on April 4, 1986 my mom was sworn in as a citizen and she was an American, like she had always in her heart known she was. 
To me, my Mami IS America.  The dream of something bigger, better, and more fruitful.  So what if her English was a bit broken. So what if her last name was not Smith or Jones.  So what if she did not resemble Barbie with her dark hair and brown eyes.  She is the girl who would not miss an American movie, the teen who dreamt to make a difference with her voice, the one who loved this country with all her heart that she gave up her country of origin to be able to vote for HER president. 

I want thank her for this journey of hers, for her dream to be in this country I call home. 

Thank you for dragging me to register to vote and for talking to me about politics.  Your grandchildren have a good base to be the best Americans they can be.




May 7, 2012

First Heart Break

You know in life you always have that first heart break.  It never crossed my mind that Thing Two would experience it from the one man who should carry her heart like a delicate piece of china. Big Cheese broke her heart this weekend and I want to tear his apart for making her feel like that. 
I am typing this with bags and dark circles under my eyes. My heart breaks for my baby girl.  Saturday was her big day.  She got her first ever trophy that day. Big Cheese, no where in sight.  Las Vegas to be precise on his location.  I had a huge discussion with him about this decision. Big Cheese had known about this big day since January when the soccer schedules were given.  I would have seen it as a mere over sight had it not been for the fact that he never backed out of going. 

To top it off, it was his weekend with the Things.  He actually called me to cover for him so that he could go and he would take the next two weekends to be with the children.  I just couldn't believe he was going to miss her big day.  When I reminded him of the day and that I would cover if he still wanted to go, he said "Thanks".  I felt the blood heat up under my skin.  In my head "Thanks" was a brush off of what this would do to my little dolls heart.  I just answered "No need to Thank me, you will need to explain to the Things why you were not there".  Of course I got no answer.

Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things, and this just exacerbated those feelings. He had already let our children witness their father get into my face and yell and call me names in public.  Their little hearts were suffering and all I wanted was some kind of normal for them.  We argued once more before he left.  Big Cheese thought I was just upset because he was going to Las Vegas.  This wasn't like the times before, I wasn't concerned about our family, this time it was our children.   It was a big day, a moment that is fleeting.  It will never be her first trophy ever again.  Las Vegas will always be there, but this moment is gone.  Thing Two now holds the memory of her father being absent from that moment.

You must think by now "Well she is three, she can't possibly remember anything".  All day on Saturday we were busy, happy, or so I thought.  I saw a glimpse of her searching the crowd when she got the trophy, a slight sad look.  I just left it alone, hoping it was just me that saw that look.  Sunday morning as we ate breakfast with no one but her and I eating at the table she uttered the phrase I long feared would come sooner or later, "Mommy, Daddy wasn't at my banquet.  It made me sad.  Zoe had her daddy there".  Her face was sullen and her eyes watered and filled with salty tears that I kissed away for her.  It's all I could do.  I couldn't discount those feelings.  Her little heart was broken. 

Times like these I wish he could see what he does by some of his actions.  The same actions that made me walk away from him. Only this time it was not a 39 year old woman who's heart he broke, it was a three year old sweet vivacious little girl who's heart he broke. 

I was so sad and mad.  Mad that he had the ability to chose his own interest over his children.  How does one make things better?  I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be there and to help both my children heal from all this.  I just hope the happy feelings out weigh those that reside in her heart at this moment.


March 16, 2012

Mama Kat's World Famous Writing Workshop: I do believe in the Magic of Disneyland!

One of this week’s Mama Kat’s World Famous writing prompts brought me a flood of memories.

“It happened at Disneyland… “ Read on.

Living in the city of Angels gives me an opportunity to be literally a hop skip and a jump away from the Happiest Place on Earth (also known as the most expensive, but I digress) . My first visit ever to Disneyland was one I was just a month old.  Of course this was in the days when you didn’t have to give a liver and promise for other body part upon death to get in.   We had family visiting and dad always made sure they had a trip to Disneyland.  I guess that is why I took it for granted for so many years that it was so close.  I was always excited to go, but alas it would always be there. I lost the true magic of the place somewhere and didn’t go for years.  Somewhere between high school Grad night at Disney and the one or two trips after that, I lost the love for it.
This love loss prevented me from ever wanting to go again.  That is until about two years ago.  Thing One and Thing Two fell in love with the Mickey Mouse Club House. They were sucked into the world of Disney.  DARN YOU CATCHY SONG! 
Then there were endless birthday wishes of “I want to see where Mickey and Minnie live Momma” .  There eyes pleading, begging.  How do I fight this?  Easy I looked at the prices and nearly passed out.  “What do you mean I have to pay for a 3 year old???!!! “  Commercialism at it’s best.  They wanted me to bite.  I didn’t instead I took them to Disney on Ice.  What is a single mom to do after all.  So for the next year after seeing Disney Ice they did nothing but talk about the experience and how the loved it.


 I got it folks “Parent Guilt”.  So for the next year I plotted and planned on how to make Disneyland more affordable to a single mom.  I found ways around it and saved money and I got us tickets for the most magical time of the year at Disneyland, the holidays.
People, do you know what happened?  I LOVED LOVED LOVED sharing it through the eyes of two excited little children.  Their excitement and joy was mine.  Everything was new and everything was worth seeing.  Even sharing the scary moment of meeting the characters and freaking out with Thing Two was worth every penny.  I’m already planning next year’s trip.  When the castle was lit and we were on Main Street and the man made snow fell as the gentle Christmas music played I cried.  I get it now, I get why my dad would take us all the time.  It’s not about how much he spent; it was about the magic he saw in my eyes. 




It was a wonderful 1st visit to the Magic Kingdom!

As always ROCKED to you because I love this blogger:



Mama’s Losin’ It

March 12, 2012

Blogversary Part Deux...

Two years go by so quickly and yet they stand still.  I still remember why I wanted to blog.  It was a personal journey.  My heart and mind were swirling and I was trying to grasp at what my role was as a single mother of two very young children.  Nothing ever really prepares you for the struggle of trying to negotiate with an ex partner over children who you love deeply. My hopes and dreams ever since I can remember was to have a family that included a father a mother and children all under one roof.  So coming to grips with the fact that I would be a single parent has been one of those moments when you don't necessarily give up, but you have to decide to move forward. 

Through it all my two babies have grown almost unscathed and have had a very normal childhood.  We've had bumps and heart wrenching moments along the way, yet here I am writing to say "it's okay". 

Parenting is never easy, add hurt feelings and broken relationships and it gets sticky.  Big Cheese and I have compromised and we have learned to put things aside for the most important things in our lives: Thing One and Thing Two.  Sure there are still obstacles to overcome, but I have learned a lot as I am sure Big Cheese has.

To all of you who take time to come and read my little blog, thank you.  You have often left encouraging notes and have empathized with whatever craziness I am going through.

So to another year of mountains to climbs and put my little blog flag on! :)


CHEERS!


January 9, 2012

I have that type of fever *SIGH*

I am starting to miss it.  I cannot believe I am say this.  I miss having a baby!
Thing One at 6 Months old
Thing Two at 6 months old
Thing One has been a full fledged preschooler for some time now.  I have to say, that I was so busy getting ready for Thing Two’s arrival that I barely had enough time to enjoy Thing One being a baby and toddler.  Not to mention Mami’s cancer and the break-up of my relationship to their dad. 
Then there was Thing Two.  I enjoyed her thoroughly as a baby.  She slept with me often.  I know your not suppose to, but she was the type of baby that screamed until she was cuddled.  I was super careful!  She stayed in a crib longer than Thing Two. She held on to her pacifier longer. She took longer to sleep through the night. She took longer to take the first steps.  She also managed to take an extremely longer time to potty train.  She has officially become a young child versus a baby.  It made me wonder if I could have possibly wished that she take a little longer to keep her as my baby.  I knew when I had her at the ripe old age of 38 that she would be my last child.  That and the fact that when she was born Big Cheese and I were on already split up.  I just didn’t realize she would be my last “baby”.
You  know baby, as in sweet smelling head, babbling, drooling, snuggling in the little nook of your neck baby.   The same baby that you rock in a glider for hours and lose track of time and are ever so grateful that you did.    The one baby that has a million milestones hit the first year of life.  First smile, rolling over, standing, walking, words, etcetera. 
So here I sit and I think of it and realize I won’t have a baby of my own to watch over and guide.  It’s a whole different set of goals now.  I started to feel a twinge of it when I finally potty trained Thing Two.  Diaper free at last!  Wait… OH MY! No more babies. Sad face, tear.  No more babies!  Oh sure I will have plenty of other babies to hold and play with later by family members, but it’s not the same.  Nothing quite compares to the endless hours of agony, joy, and fear that you feel when you are holding your baby for the first time.  
Thing Two will officially reach age 3 in a few days. *GULP*  *SIGH*  My babies are gone and the two preschool aged children have moved into my house.  Sure, they still depend on me for a lot of things, but they have become independent children, with thoughts and words, an quirky expressions of their own. Still, I feel a twinge when I think…no more, not mine. 
Baby fever sucks.  I know I am ready for the next phase, but still there is that little bit of me that holds on and would like to be up at odd hours of the night, just baby and me. 
Wait…let me look back on my blog… Sleep deprivation, mind blowing screaming, being told I’m doing it wrong…NEVERMIND!  I’m good.  I like to sleep, I like someone to talk to, argue with.  I like the fact that my diaper big is now almost non-existent.  I am sure I will go through this one more time, but it’s normal right?

Please tell me it’s normal! J 
Have you experienced baby fever lately?

December 31, 2011

The year 2011 in Review

Click to play this Smilebox slideshow
Slideshow design personalized with Smilebox

Wishing you all a prosperous New Year 2012, filled with hope and happiness!

September 9, 2011

Frozen in Time... September 11, 2001


10 years go by so quickly, yet they stand still in many instances.  Like the moment I stood in front of a television frozen. Frozen by the image of a plane slamming into the Twin Towers and thinking, could this really be happening?  I was 30 years old, going through a divorce already and childless.  I remember that moment, when hot tears could not come out of my eyes because I could not process what I was watching and feeling.  It took a whole week before I could cry and release it all.  I was one of many who felt overwhelmed and questioned what life had ahead of them and for this country. 
I sit here ten years later at the age of 40, finding my way into a new relationship and a mother of two loving busy children, and yet I still cry and I remember.  I remember what was lost, innocence, fathers, mothers, uncles, spouses, children, security, dreams, hopes.  I also rejoice in what 10 years has brought some of us.  It brought, resilience, new hope, new dreams, rekindled dreams, strength, neighbors, new families, new borders, new safety policies.  We have all come far. 
10 years…Never forget that day, but honor it as a positive memory.  Remember those survivors who dusted themselves off and progressed forward despite everything that happened that day.  Honor those lost by finishing their work and making this a better kinder place. 
My children will know that they are here because of that day.  I rekindled my dream of having children someday and reaching that degree.  Done! And DONE!  Let’s see what the next ten years will bring.   

June 16, 2011

Questions to my daddy…


Me age 5…
“Daddy why do Giraffe’s have spots?”

Dad:
“I don’t know baby, we should find out”

  • The next week he ordered a National Geographic card set about animals.

Me age 8…
“Daddy, why can’t I do better in my handwriting? I got a D in class for that ”

Dad:
“You just need to practice. You will get better”

  • That month he ordered a special handwriting practice book from Mexico and he had me do it everyday after homework.

Me age 10…
“Daddy, why am I so dark? Why can’t I be like Barbie?”

Dad:
“Because you are Mexican and you have Indian blood that runs through your veins”

  • Within the span of a year he should be pictures of my maternal grandmother, took me to the library to learn of the history of Mexican people and South American Incas.
Me age 11…
“Daddy, do babies really come from storks? Do they give them to you at the hospital”

Dad:
“No, but we can talk about it”

  • We had “the talk” and he had me watch “The miracle of life” on PBS. Which I am sure is the reason why I was so grossed out and swore off sex until I was ready to go through child birth.

Me age 12:
“Why did you have to go Daddy?”

Dad...





He left me all too soon. I had many more questions. I am sure he had more answers for me. He was that kind of dad. If he didn’t know the answer he found it for me. He gave me the gift of researching my questions, and not giving them to me immediately. He facilitated my learning, even if sometimes there were some things that were embarrassing. For all that you answered Daddy, THANK YOU. Happy Father’s day, I still miss you.

March 30, 2011

Wordless Wednesday - CLONED!


Me Circa 1973

Thing One recently





March 25, 2011

Flashback Friday - August 11, 2007

What is Flashback Friday? Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog. I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook. For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays. I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs. Enjoy my friends
August 15, 2007 - I was up and had a chance to write about my story of birth with Thing One.  It was the first night at home with him.  My heart was full.
Arcadia Methodist - on a great August day
August 11, 2007 a date to never forget. My lovely baby boy came into this world at 2:37 pm, weighing in at 6 pounds 11 ounces and measuring 19 inches.
The day before I was feeling quite heavy, hot, and just plain uncomfortable. My due date was not until August 30th but according to the doctor I was ready at any time to give birth from this past Thursday until then. Thirty-seven weeks pregnant and I was totally exhausted, swollen, and not hungry. The only thing I wanted was a nice big juicy sweet orange and a huge ice cold glass of water.  Mami had suggested we go to the store to get them, but I was craving the one's from the farmers market.  Luckily it was Friday and the street fair / farmer's market was in full swing in Monrovia.  Big Cheese was at work so it was just me and Mami.  I figured we would park close enough to where the fruits were being sold and that way we could get them and go home.  Well, better said than done, we parked where I thought the fruit was.  They had moved to the other side of the street.  I must have really wanted those oranges because I walked all the way down to the other side, stopping occasionally to catch my breath and wipe the sweat off my brow.  It was a sweltering 102 degrees! In foresight maybe getting pregnant in December and having a child in the dead of August heat was not the smartest thing ever. 

We finally reached the oranges and Mami was hungry, so we went to sit and a local burger joint.  All I could think of was to sit in the AC at home and eat my juicy sweet oranges and the ice-water.  Nothing at the burger joint looked appetizing to me.  We got home and I was exhausted, like completely exhausted.  Mami cut up the oranges for me and served me my water.  I lifted my hugely swollen ankles up on the lazy boy and sat like Cleopatra with the fan in my face and feeding myself oranges.  I don't even think it was 8 in the evening when I crawled into bed.

Every night before Big Cheese would get home from work around three in the morning I would wake up, like clockwork and go to the bathroom.  I was about to get up when I rolled over and felt a gush of water.  Immediately I sat up and was thinking, I didn't need to go so bad to wet my pants like that.  I wobbled over to the bathroom and noticed that I was wet and a little bit of blood.  Mami was in her room when I went over and poked her to wake her up. Half asleep she looked at me and grunted "que?"  (what?) .  "Mami I think my water broke"  I don't think I ever saw Mami get up as fast as she did.  I was pretty relaxed, I had time to call the doctor and Big Cheese.  When I called Big Cheese, I could hear his breaths pick up pace.  He was on his way to pick me up and take me to the hospital.  My doctor hadn't returned my calls but I could feel small twinges on my lower back.  I was sure I was going to have this baby.  I showered to relax myself and relieve the small twinges in my back.  When I stepped out of the shower to grab my towel I was startled by Big Cheese standing there.  He has always been pretty fair skinned but it was nothing compared to that morning.  "You ok? Did you call the doctor?  Are you in pain?"  Panic had set in for the fellow.  I reassured him I was fine but that we should go to the hospital.

I suppose we were lucky that it was so early in the morning and there was no traffic on the way to the hospital.  We were at the hospital in a matter of minutes.  When I was checked, sure enough my water had broken, and I was 3and a half centimeters dilated.  The only thing was that my water bag apparently resealed itself.  I was given oxytocin and told that my doctor was on vacation, as of that morning.  Great timing!  So for the most part I was dealing with pain.  My birth plan was to take no medication of any kind.  Mami had the runs from the stress, Big Cheese was tired, hungry, and didn't know exactly what to do.  I met the doctor once and had a great nurse.  At about 1:00 I was given a stronger dose of oxytocin to move things along.  I was at 7 centimeters and no real strong contractions and my water had been broken. I was still talking to friends on the phone at that time.  Mami went with my coach to get some coffee.  By the time they got back was feeling massive pain.  I remember getting hot and trying to breathe through the pain.  Both Big Cheese and T(coach)  were trying to help me breathe through the pain.  I stated loudly "COULD YOU STOP BREATHING ON ME!"  I think that's the point I looked at the nurse and asked for pain medication. 

Without hesitation she took a look at how I was progressing and the look on her face said it all.  "We can't do that now, we are at 10 and you're going to have to push"  I was told to wait for the doctor before I did a practice push, but I wanted to push.  The nurse pulled up my legs on the stirrups and as I started a practice push, down went T.  That's when my doctor and all the other doctor's and nurses made it into the room.  T was whisked away and Big Cheese was left to coach me.  I got so hot at one point that cold towels were placed on me and the oxygen mask was flung over my mouth.  After several pushes I heard the doctor say we needed to get the baby out soon because he was showing signs of distress and that a vacuum was needed.  I was shaking, tired and sweaty, I felt all energy drained out of me.  I heard Big Cheese say "You can do this, one more push"  I bared down and with the help of a vacuum out came the blackest curliest hair on a head I had ever seen.  Eyes wide open staring at me, he was here.  Marcus Alfonso Olivas had arrived.  After a brief eye to eye moment the whisked him away to be cleaned. 

This is the moment I heard the nurse say "we have to take him to the NICU, he's having trouble transitioning"  I shed tears and all I could say was "please let me hold him for a minute before you take him"  She brought him over and I kissed his little forehead "Mommy will be waiting for you, you need to get better"  I could hear the grunting noise he was making, he was really struggling to breathe.  I yelled at Big Cheese to go with the baby, not to take his eyes off him. 

Everything was a blur until I was told he was ok, I would be able to see him that night.  I haven't slept right since then.  I know he's here and he's a blessing.  I listen to his every breath and sometimes I hold mine.  He's here, and I couldn't be more over joyed to be a loving sleepless mommy to my newborn son.

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