Lessons from the original Superman

Father's day is always a fickle time for me.  Today marks 30 years since the last Father's day I spent with Sarge.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was the first time I was able to "purchase" a father's day breakfast for him.  McDonald's had a promotion that year if you colored a sheet that was provided by them and took it in for Father's day, your dad would get a free breakfast.  I didn't know it, but that would be the last time I would spend a Father's day with my dad.  Five months later, just 2 months shy of my 13th birthday, he was gone. 

I have been without him longer than he was with me. Still he has been a powerful influence in my life. His words and actions have permeated me for the remaining years I have been without him. His words float over my head in everything I do and say to others.  Today as in everyday I honor the Superman he was to me. 

Little lessons he left me with:

• Love thy neighbor - Sarge was the neighborhood guy.  Someone needed a tool, he would be the guy to come and borrow one from.  If your car broke down in the middle of a delluge of rain, he was the person you called. Not only would he give you a ride but  he would try to fix that car or get you the help you needed.  The day of his funeral I met so many people that were touched by all the things I never knew he did.  He was a giving person who loved humanity.  No one was ever more or less than him, we were all of the human kind and we should all help each other in this world. So when I lose my patience in Los Angeles traffic I remember, we are all human and we all need to look out for one another. 
• Appreciate the simple things - Music was always blaring on any given day at our home.  Sarge would play anything from classical music, swing, to Mariachis.  He would sing to his heart content without abandonment, even though his voice was that of nails on a chalkboard.  Simple outings were the catalyst to "great adventures" as he would call it.  So it was no surprise I was excited when he took me to the city of Corona for an adventure to seek out a great doughnut. Who cares if it just a few miles from our city, it was somewhere new we had never been.  It was his appreciation of the simple joy in life that has gotten me through some rough times.  Seeking out that hole in the wall cafe and people watching has brought me to a calm place where I could think things through.  Listening to a favorite song can take me back in time to a wonderful place when things were calm and fun.
• Laugh at yourself -  Sarge was the original dork. Never afraid to make a fool of himself and laugh along the way.  He made sure I never took myself or life to seriously.  I would get in funks as a child and some how he always managed to make me laugh at his antics.  He would point out the great humor in things, even if it was the crappiest day ever.  So now, I manage to look at life and see the humor in things.  It makes me smile and I can be the same goofball my dad was to me with my children and see the smile I had as a child being reflected back at me through the kids.
• Never forget your history - I never knew my grandparents, they were gone before I was born but I definitely knew about them.  Sarge never failed to take me on his lap to tell me of things when he was growing up, about how his family life was with his parents.  He took me to Mexico to meet my extended family to develop a relationship with those who carried our history. He wanted me to grow up proud of how far our family has come and how far I could take the rest of our history.  One of the major reasons I blog about my children and myself is to carry on that rich tradition.  Much is to be said about storytelling.  You never know what lessons you are learning from your own rich family history.  
• Get up and succeed - He picked me off the floor after I fell off a bike, cleaned up my scrape and placed me back on the bike I had just fallen off.  Giving up was not an option.  I was crying my eyes out and wanting to give up, but Sarge encouraged me.  Every step of the way he was there to cheer me on.  Little successes where HUGE accomplishments. He made sure I understood that no matter if I had an audience or not. I was the master of my own pride with all those accomplishements.  So when I was able to do the major things in life like graduate from college or simply help potty train a two year old I could stand with pride and never give up.

There are so many more that I can list but these in particular have helped me get through the good, the bad, and ugly that life has out there.  All he did for me in the short 12 years of my life has stayed with me.  It's not about time that you spend with your children, it's what you do in whatever time you have with them. 

For the men who create those strong bonds with their children I salute you.  You never know what your teaching your little ones and what life lessons they are learning along the way. 

Feliz dia del padre Papi.  Te extrano muchismo! <3>

Wordless Wednesday: Cinco de Mayo

Who am I?

And who will my children identify with? 

 I read the artical in the Los Angeles Times:
Latino or Hispanic? For many Americans, neither feels quite right.   It got me thinking of my own identity and that of my children.  In the article it states that many still identify with "mexican" or "chicano".  Here is where I differ.  I am born in the United States, Mami is from Ecuador, Sarge was Mexican-American.  So when in school and someone asked if I was Mexican-American I would simply say "Umm...half".  Sarge always made sure that I knew of both of my heritages but here I was having to peg myself as one or another.  Many say "Well you are American of course", which I am but it feels awkward and strange not to identify all of my ancestors. 

America, is a melting pot so I can't be the only one in this predicament. Big Cheese, the kids father is of Mexican-American background.  Technically I guess you can say Thing One and Thing Two are 75% Mexican-American and 25% Ecuadorian-American.  I can totally see why this can get difficult when census time comes or when you fill out surveys and such.  I think that is why I liked the term Latina-American.  I feel like I am not denying my roots and I am embracing my country.

Now here is one for the government to figure out a term for:  My friend Chula and her husband Tosh have two children.  Chula is German and Mexican-American. Tosh is Japanese and Mexican-American.  So then how do you determine that?  Asian-Latino American?

You just have to love the diversity!  You cannot encompass all the different mixes this country has to offer.

Do you have a particular way of identifying your families ethnicity?

Wordless Wednesday: Dreaming among Sucessful Dreamers...

Questions to my daddy…

Me age 5…
“Daddy why do Giraffe’s have spots?”

Dad:
“I don’t know baby, we should find out”

• The next week he ordered a National Geographic card set about animals.

Me age 8…
“Daddy, why can’t I do better in my handwriting? I got a D in class for that ”

Dad:
“You just need to practice. You will get better”

• That month he ordered a special handwriting practice book from Mexico and he had me do it everyday after homework.

Me age 10…
“Daddy, why am I so dark? Why can’t I be like Barbie?”

Dad:
“Because you are Mexican and you have Indian blood that runs through your veins”

• Within the span of a year he should be pictures of my maternal grandmother, took me to the library to learn of the history of Mexican people and South American Incas.

Me age 11…
“Daddy, do babies really come from storks? Do they give them to you at the hospital”

Dad:
“No, but we can talk about it”

• We had “the talk” and he had me watch “The miracle of life” on PBS. Which I am sure is the reason why I was so grossed out and swore off sex until I was ready to go through child birth.

Me age 12:
“Why did you have to go Daddy?”

Dad...





He left me all too soon. I had many more questions. I am sure he had more answers for me. He was that kind of dad. If he didn’t know the answer he found it for me. He gave me the gift of researching my questions, and not giving them to me immediately. He facilitated my learning, even if sometimes there were some things that were embarrassing. For all that you answered Daddy, THANK YOU. Happy Father’s day, I still miss you.

The tale of the Un-Princess Mom and the Very Princess Daughter

Of all the things I wanted to be growing up, I wanted to be a mother...of three boys. Never did it cross my mind that I would ever have a girl. I was the girl that played with dolls, but never combed their hair or dressed them in dresses. Nope it was always shorts and a shirt. While my friends embraced their femininity, I found it hard to fit in that way. I was a tom boy of sorts. Sarge would tease that I was the little boy he always wanted.  I hung out with him in the garage more than in the kitchen with Mami.  Don't get me wrong, I sometimes enjoyed being a girly girl, but for the most part I embraced competition, sports, and friendships with boys. While I could be friends with other girls I somehow found myself more at ease chatting with the boys about sports.  Then came the teenage years and I found my femininity and love of fashion, but it was a long time coming.

So here I am with a two- year old daughter who's closet looks like Pepto-Bismal exploded in there. Her shoe collection resembles that of Carrie Bradshaw's on Sex in the City. When she wakes up she wants her hair brushed and to be made "pretty". She is attracted to all kinds of baubles, necklaces, and tiaras. Anything decorated with a Disney Princess theme is to be obsessed over admired and appreciated. She demands wants to be put in dresses on a daily basis. I have no idea how to relate!

 Maybe the reason I really had a hard time accepting having a daughter is that I know what kind of pressures a girl goes through. If your tough and ambitious and prefer jeans over a dress you are viewed as less feminine. On the opposite end of the spectrum, having the "Woe is me, someone come save me" attitude and being very feminine and "princess like" is viewed as weak and helpless. Being a girl is not easy and that is why I REALLY didn't want a girl. So what am I to do now that I have a girl and she is all things I definitely was not? 

While I don't mind indulging in her very feminine side I also want to open up other ideas to her, like sports and academics. I found that encouraging her to be who she is and showing her that not everyone can be a "Princess" all the time can be the way to relate to her.  I encourage her to try sports, run with her brother, rough house.  I can't help but smile when her brother picks on her and she beats the crap out of him  defends herself.

I want her to grew up knowing this: Beauty is in everything and a girl can gain attention not by what she looks like outwardly but what is in her heart and actions. You will always be a girl, but what you do with that knowledge is up to you.

Do you relate to your daughter?  How do you encourage her to go beyond the stereotypes of a woman?

Great website to visit if you have a girl :  7 wonderlicious

Single mom: "NOT FEELING GUILTY"

It has been almost two months that I have had every other weekend off of my mommy duties.  Big Cheese has been really good about taking the Things and we have had a better understanding of each others responsibilities.  I have read a lot of blogs of single parents who truly feel guilt as well as sadness when their children go with the other parent's home.  I often think there must be something wrong with me, because I truly don't feel that way.  I have friends who are single parents as well tell me I would be sad and that I would miss them. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  The first weekend I had without the children I did things I hadn't done in a while:

• I cleaned out rooms, sorted clothes (mine and the children's) without interruptions
• I had coffee and conversation with friends, without yelling at children to stop what they were doing.
• I exercised, and not by running after toddlers or with the help of Gymboree. 
• I sat on the couch and vegged in front of the TV staring aimlessly at shows minus animated characters and singing involved.
• I ate a hot meal that had just been served, no reheating involved.
• I stayed in my PJ's until 3 by choice, not because there was no time for a shower or ability to change.
• I showered in warm water for close to 30 minutes with no one banging at the door to get in.

Sure there was times in the day when I thought about what the Things were doing, but it had been so long since the last time I actually got to do all of the things above that I relished in it. I also figure that since they were with Big Cheese and had the opportunity to build a stronger bond with him, it was a very good thing for my babies.  I have to say I think I finally found an upside to this single/co-parenting situation.  I get some ME time to help me get in gear to be a better parent for Thing One and Thing Two.

What is your way of getting ME time?  Do you feel guilty or refreshed?

Mi Mami...

Ok so it's been busy, busy, busy for this momma.  I have left you guys neglected.  For good reason, between  new duties at work, taking care of my babies, and my momma, well something had to give.


The one thing I could not do was leave you without a mother's day post.  So here I am, a mommy blogger writing what seems like an eternity to get to this point.  What point do you ask?  Well it's simple, the total appreciation of my Mami. Mami is a hard as nails type of mom.  My relationship with her has always been difficult.  I was always daddy's little girl.  She was always very hard on me.  Until recently I realized why she was like this with me. 

Mami's own relationship with her mother, my grandmother was rather strained.  She grew up thinking that her mother was her sister and that her grandmother was her mom.  When her grandmother died when she was 12, the same age I was when I lost my dad.  This is the moment she found out that what she had always known as secure and loving was gone.  I can see now why she was not that kissy lovey mom, she didn't know how. 

Her struggles being a teen mom and having her two oldest children taken from her by their fathers in a time when a woman living in a latin country had basically no rights, may have shaped her as well.  Later when she had thought she found someone to truly love her and raise a family with, he let her down and left her and my dear sister.  This is the pivotal moment in her life when she truly became the mom I now know.  She knew no one in the United States, but she wanted a better life for her and my sister and took an airplane with money she had saved for years and headed to her future home.  One word comes to mind when I think of her....TENACITY. 

How does someone go through all that she did only to pick themselves up and move forward?  That's easy, the love she had for her child.  Like I said she is not demonstrative and that always made me feel like maybe she didn't love me.  When Sarge died, I would hear her cry night after night, but she never let me know exactly how hard it was.  She didn't have a job, she had me to raise, and still had a house payment, yet I knew nothing of that.  I always had food in my belly, new clothes for school, a roof over my head, and the latest gadget that my little heart desired.  She would babysit the neighborhood kids at home so that she would always be home for me when I got home.  She knew I needed security.  She may not have kissed me enough, or hugged me enough, but she taught me to be the woman I am now.

When things get tough with the kids and being a single mom, I think about Mami and all she went through.  She taught me to hold my head high and never fall apart even when inside you are.  Thank you for toughening me up and letting Sarge nurture my softer side.  Your love has taught me that there are different ways people express there love, and their is no right way to love. 

I may be the kissy huggy mom to my kids, but I am also the first one to discipline them.  My Mami taught me that you can love your children, but you need to prepare them for the future.  Thank you Mami for being my fortress and my example.  On a side note, she is the most kissable, huggable Abi (grandma) ever! 

Whatever your love language is, express it always and forever.  Happy Mother's Day!

Te quiero Mami, gracias por tu amor infinito.

Daddy

Sometimes I believe I may judge Big Cheese unfairly.  He may not be a horrible father, he just isn't the type of father I am accustomed to. I expected someone to father my children the way my dad did for me.
Today is my Daddy's birthday.  He has been gone from our lives since I was 12.  I had him for 12 glorious years.  He was the best Daddy anyone could have.  It is because of him I am the person I am today.  He taught me so much.  A lot of what he taught me are things I want my babies to learn as well.


Things that made him an exceptional father:

• He called my half sister his daughter .  Not step daughter, not my wife's child, HIS daughter.  He did for her what her own father probably would never have done for her.  He was her dad as much as he was mine.
• He loved my mother.  Despite her hot Latin temper, despite the difference in opinion.  He would grab her hand even when she was mad.  He would kiss her cheek and hold doors for her.  He respected her as a woman, as the mother of his child.
• He would pass up a night out dancing with friends if no one was able to take care of me.  He would even send my mom out with those friends and he would stay home with me.  He never wanted me to feel that other things were more important than keeping us a family.
• He made pancakes on Saturday mornings and he made sure that we ate meals at the table as a family.  During these meals he would ask me how school was and about what I wanted to do.  He never belittled me as a child.  He listened and encouraged all the dreams I layed out as a child.
• He had a variety of friends from all walks of life.  They were poor migrant workers, well to do lawyers he worked with, middle class friends from the barrio he grew up in East Los Angeles.  He exposed me to all kinds of races, ethnicity's, backgrounds.  "mija no one is above anyone, we are just people, humans"
• He loved all kinds of art.  He would take me to museums to see art work.  He would also take me to East Los Angeles and show me the paintings on the walls by local artists. I would spend hours in the garage watching him come up with his own pieces of art.  That is when he would show me brush strokes and how to shade to create effects on drawings. I can still smell the oil paints and hear the stroking of the brush on the canvas.
• He made sure we knew our heritage.  He found his extended family in Mexico City that my grandfather left when he crossed the border with my grandmother.  We were never to lose touch with them again.  We would spend summer vacations and Christmas vacations visiting the large family we had there.  I learned the culture, the food, the art first hand.  I still speak with those family members years after our first meeting.
• He fought for other's rights and made sure we knew that when someone is being treated unfairly to speak up.  My father was a police officer and he was always the police officer even after he retired the badge.  If there was something that wasn't right, he tried to make it right.  I don't know how many times I would see my dad stop something that was not right.  I remember the neighbor who had just moved in came to our house seeking to call her parents because her drunk husband had beaten her.  My dad promptly walked over to her house.  He told her husband "the next time you lay a hand on her, you will have a lot more than the police to deal with.  I will give this one moment for you to sober up and think about what you are doing to your wife and to your children".  He never touched her again. 
• He never missed one school assembly, girl scout meeting, gymnastic practice, field trip.  When he did he was sick or like that one time during the gas crisis, he was in line for gas.  If he did miss any event he made sure to ask how it went.  He would listen and ask questions, and i knew he was really listening to me.
• He was the funniest silliest person I knew.  We would laugh for hours sometimes because of something silly he would say to us.  I still remember him singing Oliva Newton Johns song "Heart attack" as "Fart Attack".  Hours and hours of entertainment with him.
• He was the best story teller.  He could make a boring newspaper article come to life.  The tone in his voice, the added story lines.  He made me interested in the written and spoken word early in life for this reason.

I miss my Daddy everyday in different degrees of longing for him. He was just perfection to me even in imperfect situations.  For these reasons I find it hard to see being a father any less than what I was given. I have to cut Big Cheese some slack sometimes.  Daddy was a size 9 shoe, but boy those are some large size 9 shoes to fill. 

Defining a Family

Mami got Thing Two a doll house for her birthday. I finally got around to putting it together and putting it out for Thing One and Thing Two to play with. While I was putting the pieces together Thing One kept saying "I want brother!" I was wondering what he was referring to. Once I put the doll house out Thing One raced over with Thing Two to play with it. This is the moment he picked the male figure and said "See, the brother"
What is funny is that I'm sure that the maker of the toy meant the male, the female, and the baby to represent a nuclear family (Mom, Dad, Child). That is the way I was viewing them. Maybe I was reflecting on the dynamic of my own family: Sarge, Mami and I. It was bitter sweet to me that Thing One did not see what I saw in those figures. I truly wanted to give my two children a mom and a dad under the same roof. Instead Thing One's definition of his family was a Mom, a brother, and a sister.

I have started to accept the reality of what I can give to my children as I look around and see that there are several definitions of family. Some are grandparents raising a grandchild. Some are partners of the same sex raising children. Some are single parents raising one or many children. Whatever the dynamic, I'm glad that Thing One was able to identify his own family better than I could. Whatever your definition of family, a child will most definitely know where they belong and how much they are loved.

Who is that chica?

As I drove the speed limit going by a school zone while glaring at a man who obviously wasn’t going the limit, I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror. Who is THAT?! What had the last three years done to me? Who is this crazy glared woman driving the speed limit?


Let me explain to you where I was just 5 years ago to get a better understanding of why I thought this very thought. I was 34(I’m praying at this moment you are bad at math), dating, dancing until 3 am, randomly taking a vacation with no destination. I was the girl you would call up because you wanted an incredible night out on the town filled with friends, laughter, and fun, fun, fun! I was carefree, wore my hair down. I definitely did not pay attention to speed limits. I had already bungee jumped, gone to Vegas with just a toothbrush and clean underwear (I was wild, not dirty). By this time I had stopped pining over the whole notion of children and a family in my future. I was a little sad but I was accepting it. This girl had hip clothes, new purses, the latest shoe trend. I would hit the gym at least 3 to 4 times a week and watch what went into my mouth. I had a standing hair, nail, pedicure, and threading appointment and never failed to make it, unless of course the night before had been treacherous and I just couldn’t peel myself off my bed by noon.



Me circa 2005 or so.


Fast forward today. I have a guy in my life, he’s three and honorary. When the heck did he start telling ME what to do? Worst of all, when did I start listening to him???!!!! I never thought that would happen! Did I mention I haven’t had a pedicure in about a month (it may be longer, I don’t remember). Thank goodness its winter and I can hide my feet. Once I see caterpillars on the top of my eyes, I know it’s time to get threaded. Oh and since when did I start wearing shoes that where more functional than stylish and painful?! Late nights for me are 10 pm on weekends, 9:30 pm on weekdays. I drive the speed limit and yell at people who don’t. I can barely splatter on any kind of make-up before someone needs to use a bathroom or left a special gift in their diaper. I still don’t pine for children, but that because I have them and totally think I would be missing something if they were not here.

Me and Thing Two at a Fresh Beat Band Event. 2010

So I may not be that cool, funny, hip young looking chica I was 5 years ago, but I am definitely a great mom, practical, loving, and occasionally I see glimpses of that funny woman I am. My kids have added much more (AHEM) character to me, and we will leave it at that.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...Spiderman Super Why and he cooks?

I had forgotten how much as a child I loved superheroes.  Mami always thought it was an odd thing for a little girl to be into, after all it was suppose to be a "boy" thing to do. Then came Wonder Woman and all I wanted to do or be was her.  To my mom's shagrin, I dressed up as her for two Halloweens in a row! I guess Mami wanted the type of daughter that would want to do tea parties and play with barbies and dolls.  Instead I was a gender bender, I guess that's why for a long time my mom and I had a hard time connecting. 

I was the little girl in jeans and a t-shirt who grew up in a neighborhood of boys.  Occasionally I would partake of so called "girl" activities, but most of the time it was ball, tag, and being a superhero.  Then my favorite superheroes came along "Charlie's Angels".  Talk about girl power!  They always seemed to facinate me in the way they could be pretty and tough in one big swoop.

So Thing One has gotten into role playing these days. Most notably being a superhero.  It all started with Big Cheese giving him a Spiderman coloring book you can find at any dollar store.  He must have been about one and a half and he was just taken by the whole bad guy, good guy action.  The action of the characters just sucked him in.  Before I knew it he could spot a Spiderman cup, hat, shirt, action character, from several feet away before I could even see it.  "Spiman, mama...Right there!!!" 

I've never been a fan of Spiderman particularly, but if my son was embracing it, so was I. So just when I accept his facination over the webbed one I get thrown a curve.  I couldn't figure out why Thing One was always taking the question mark magnet off the refrigerator and he was acting as if he was flying around with it.  What was this new behavior?  Big Cheese then went and purchased a new series of characters for Thing One.  I asked Big Cheese what these characters where, because low and behold one particular character had a wand with a question mark on it.  "What?! He hasn't told you all about Super Why?!" Big Cheese exclaimed.  Apparently he and Thing One had been watching PBS and happen to stumble upon "Super Why"  a superhero that enjoys reading and telling stories.  I had to TIVO it since I was never home when this particular show was on.  I was really happy with Thing One embracing a character that did more than just fight bad guys. 

Thing one now has many Spiderman outfits, and shirts and shoes.  He even has a dress up cape, mask and wand to become Super Why whenever his little heart desires.  One week he wouldn't even take it off to sleep.  It was a challenge to get him anywhere without the darn cape! Although there have been many times when my heart stops and I want to stop him from leaping off couches and other things because he is acting like Super Why or Spiderman.  I don't want to discourage this play I just want his imagination to go where it takes him, SAFELY.  

Thing One is definitely all boy, that's for sure.  Although, we had to buy him a kitchen set because he loves to pretend cook as well.  So my take away from all this, let my children be who they want to be.  I don't want to put them in a box and say this is a boy or a girl activity and limit them to just that.  They are discovering so much out in this big world and how they fit into it.  So for now, I have a son who flies through the air and cooks a gourmet meal.  I'm wondering what Thing Two will discover when she reaches Two.  Maybe she will be a princess mommy who drag races.