Buried in Papers and Tears

Big black bold letters on the pretty colorful envelope that was given to me made me freeze. Figuratively and physically, I just froze holding the large packet.

“FOSTER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL”

My goodness I wanted to cry. I held back because after all, a grown woman crying in a school cafeteria is not conducive to the appearance of a mature motherly type.  Wasn’t it just the other day that I was wiping the drool from Thing One’s chin after all the teething that he was doing?  Didn’t I just wean him off a pacifier?  Didn’t he just learn to say Momma? UGH!  Of course not a tear was shed in the cafeteria, but my soul was crying.  Joy, sadness, and sheer panic settled in the pit of my stomach. 

A part of me was mad as well.  What the heck!  It’s only April! First Kindergarten meeting for early registration is well on it is well on its way in many school districts.  Children do not start school until August and the children and I are just starting to enjoy the longer days of sunshine and I am being forced to think of Fall already.

I am a planner by nature, but this I was not planning to do so far in advance.  Let me keep my baby boy!  Let me snuggle more, let us play silly face longer without the rush of homework or grades looming over us!  Let me play a little longer with my boy with no academic pressure if we are doing the right things together.  He will be buried in paperwork and thinking and growing.  I know this.  I cannot help but think that I am losing a part of him, just like he lost his cherub cheeks over the course of the last year. 

Now, don’t get me wrong I’m a fairly sane woman.  I know he needs to be in school and I know very well I need to let go a little at a time, but no one said it would be easy.  I know he is ready for this and I need to start loosening that blanket of security that I have had him swaddled all these years.  I just hope the school doesn’t mind a few salty stain tear drops on the mountains of papers I am to turn in to them.

Welcome new chapter for both Thing One and I.  Come August we will both be Kindergarten ready.  Or at least he will be. *sniff* *sniff*

Out of darkness thanks to a Diva: Mama Kat's world famous writer's workshop

This weeks prompt that I choose to write about hit home to me from Mama Kat's workshop.  I had been thinking about writing about this when the prompts came to me on Monday morning. Share a Whitney Houston song that meant something to you.
(inspired by Mama Mary). 

Saturday I was knee deep in throw up from Thing Two having the stomach flu.  It was Big Cheese's weekend with the children but Thing Two was not going anywhere.  She wanted to stay home with me, which was fine with me.  As I was throwing in yet another load of laundry that had the wretched smell of vomit I heard the phone go off.  I thought it might be Big Cheese checking in on Thing One's status.  I looked at the text, it was him. "OMG! Whitney Houston is dead turn on MSN right now!".  I spun so fast to grab the remote and of course to Twitter and Facebook.  I kept telling myself it wasn't true, it wasn't true!   I watched and felt confusion and shock.  I grew up listening to this lady and she was their at the most important time in my life when I thought I would never get out of the darkness I was in. 

Summer 2001 was one of the roughest times of my life.  I had been married for seven years with ups and downs in them, but it was officially over.  My then husband had moved out, I was alone.  We were not able to conceive any children and that was one of many of our problems that were exacerbated during this time.  I found myself questioning everything in the relationship.  Was it me? Was it him?  Could this anger be about other things.  I fluctuated from sadness to anger and back again.  Mostly I was sad, and clinically depressed. My doctor even put me on medication to help take the edge off of all the crazy feelings I had inside.  While it curbed it somewhat I really just needed to go through the steps of grieving.  Grieving the loss of hopes and dreams I had felt had died with the marriage. Mostly the hope of having children.  I was now single at 30 and quickly approaching 31. 

I had just purchased the Whitney Houston Greatest Hits album.  I loved that the two-disk album was labeled "Cool" and the other "Hot".  I played the "Cool" disk over and over and over.  Obsessive to hear about love and the pain involved along with it.  Her voice expressing every lost feeling I had.  I cried often and it was cleansing.  One day I decided to put on the "Hot" disk.  It had a lot of faster dance tunes of hers.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the one song that helped me think of where I was going was found on this "Hot" disk. 

I heard every word, the lyrics hit me and made me smile. Whitney's voice encouraging and exciting. The song was not one of her more popular songs that everyone knew and until that moment I really had never paid attention to it.  The song was "Step by Step", a remix actually.  Very upbeat with a great dance groove. 

The next day instead of crying at home I hit the gym equipped with the lyrics of the song running through my earphones and my thoughts.  Making me think, "YES YOU CAN DO THIS, STEP BY STEP".  I worked out , I felt the energy and hope go through me.  This was not the end of my story, not the end of my journey.  Life will go on and it will not be without stumbling along the way.  I did have the choice to put one foot in front of the other and take it "Step by Step". 

Things did change for me.  I took on a new challenge in my work, I found joy in friends and family, I even went on to have two beautifully wonderful children.  One song who's lyrics touched me and one singer who made me truly feel each of those lyrics. 

So yes, I cried when I heard.  I fear that she could not find the same happiness and hope that were in those positive lyrics she sang, the ones that lifted me.  She had demons that were often spread through tabloids. You cheered and hoped that these were not true and that eventually she would find her way.  In the end only she and God know what exactly went on in her last hours and how she felt. 

I can say this:  Thank you Whitney for giving me that song and singing it with all your heart and soul, it saved me from staying where I was.

What was your favorite Whitney song and why?

As always Thursdays posts brought to you with a little help from:

I have that type of fever *SIGH*

I am starting to miss it.  I cannot believe I am say this.  I miss having a baby!

Thing One at 6 Months old

Thing Two at 6 months old

Thing One has been a full fledged preschooler for some time now.  I have to say, that I was so busy getting ready for Thing Two’s arrival that I barely had enough time to enjoy Thing One being a baby and toddler.  Not to mention Mami’s cancer and the break-up of my relationship to their dad. 

Then there was Thing Two.  I enjoyed her thoroughly as a baby.  She slept with me often.  I know your not suppose to, but she was the type of baby that screamed until she was cuddled.  I was super careful!  She stayed in a crib longer than Thing Two. She held on to her pacifier longer. She took longer to sleep through the night. She took longer to take the first steps.  She also managed to take an extremely longer time to potty train.  She has officially become a young child versus a baby.  It made me wonder if I could have possibly wished that she take a little longer to keep her as my baby.  I knew when I had her at the ripe old age of 38 that she would be my last child.  That and the fact that when she was born Big Cheese and I were on already split up.  I just didn’t realize she would be my last “baby”.

You  know baby, as in sweet smelling head, babbling, drooling, snuggling in the little nook of your neck baby.   The same baby that you rock in a glider for hours and lose track of time and are ever so grateful that you did.    The one baby that has a million milestones hit the first year of life.  First smile, rolling over, standing, walking, words, etcetera. 

So here I sit and I think of it and realize I won’t have a baby of my own to watch over and guide.  It’s a whole different set of goals now.  I started to feel a twinge of it when I finally potty trained Thing Two.  Diaper free at last!  Wait… OH MY! No more babies. Sad face, tear.  No more babies!  Oh sure I will have plenty of other babies to hold and play with later by family members, but it’s not the same.  Nothing quite compares to the endless hours of agony, joy, and fear that you feel when you are holding your baby for the first time.  

Thing Two will officially reach age 3 in a few days. *GULP*  *SIGH*  My babies are gone and the two preschool aged children have moved into my house.  Sure, they still depend on me for a lot of things, but they have become independent children, with thoughts and words, an quirky expressions of their own. Still, I feel a twinge when I think…no more, not mine. 

Baby fever sucks.  I know I am ready for the next phase, but still there is that little bit of me that holds on and would like to be up at odd hours of the night, just baby and me. 

Wait…let me look back on my blog… Sleep deprivation, mind blowing screaming, being told I’m doing it wrong…NEVERMIND!  I’m good.  I like to sleep, I like someone to talk to, argue with.  I like the fact that my diaper big is now almost non-existent.  I am sure I will go through this one more time, but it’s normal right?

Please tell me it’s normal! J 

Have you experienced baby fever lately?

The wheels on the bus that humble and other life experiences.

This fabulous monster is what has been my main form of transportation the last couple of months.  My car finally took a turn for the worst and is ending up resting in peace in the cemetery of twisted metal that is a junk yard.  While for most people this may not be the end all of existence in the city, it is if you live in Los Angeles.

This city plain and simply was not built for the ease of public transportation.  It has improved vastly in the last couple of years.  However it is not conducive to work with a schedule of a single mother of two who's normal commute to work is an hour each way on a normal day, without having to take a bus.  In order to get to work I was having to get up at an ungodly hour, schlep myself to a bus stop, wait in the darkness of the morning, take three buses only to end up 20 minutes from my start time.  Two hours of commuting, if I was lucky to catch the bus on time.  *SIGH* 

I have missed a bus and by missed I mean TOTALLY missed it.  I got home at 8.  Just enough time to pick the kids up, bathe them and put them to sleep.  I cried that night.  Big Cheese has been more of a hindering factor than a helping one in all this.  I asked for help and I got the "I am busy with my life, it's not my weekend, you deal with it"  speech.  It was actually an angry tirade that set me back.  I felt alone and just defeated.  I did a lot of crying, a lot of praying.  I had to figure out life, how to get me and The Things to and from all of our various activities, how I was going to come up with some reliable transportation. 

It is in the moments like this that you know who is really there for you.  I had a car for a few weeks from a family friend that is like a big brother.  He was going through his own set of difficulties and yet he helped me out.  He had gone to Mexico with a friend to visit his wife and young child, only to find his wife sick.  Turns out she has leukemia and he was staying longer to take care of her.  He saved me a couple of weeks of grief from riding the metal monster of the bus.  I have had a co-worker help me get home at a decent time occasionally.  She has a son and is a single mom and knows all to well how I was missing my babies.  Then there is the friend from Facebook who I know through her brother and mostly through posts and comments on each other's status.  She saw the post where I was on the bus and how I was people watching.  She sent me a message "I do nothing all day, I can give you a ride".  Raw in delivery but the sentiment was felt deeply.

Then there is T.  T is my source of support, my spouse in a spouse less relationship.  She made arrangements as much as she could so I wouldn't be on the bus all the time.  Then there was the slew of people keeping an eye open for a newer used car on sale.  Like Pretty Eyes, who gave me her dad's number and now I am a day closer to a newer set of wheels. 

I have been humbled, brought to tears, and then redeemed by the love of friends and family.  Life's lessons are hard to swallow, especially when there are little ones involved.  I am just glad I am seeing the light of day finally and that the Things and I will be off to new adventures again.  Minus a bus. :)

What challenges have you had as a parent?  What or who saved your sanity during that trying moment?

Questions to my daddy…

Me age 5…
“Daddy why do Giraffe’s have spots?”

Dad:
“I don’t know baby, we should find out”

• The next week he ordered a National Geographic card set about animals.

Me age 8…
“Daddy, why can’t I do better in my handwriting? I got a D in class for that ”

Dad:
“You just need to practice. You will get better”

• That month he ordered a special handwriting practice book from Mexico and he had me do it everyday after homework.

Me age 10…
“Daddy, why am I so dark? Why can’t I be like Barbie?”

Dad:
“Because you are Mexican and you have Indian blood that runs through your veins”

• Within the span of a year he should be pictures of my maternal grandmother, took me to the library to learn of the history of Mexican people and South American Incas.

Me age 11…
“Daddy, do babies really come from storks? Do they give them to you at the hospital”

Dad:
“No, but we can talk about it”

• We had “the talk” and he had me watch “The miracle of life” on PBS. Which I am sure is the reason why I was so grossed out and swore off sex until I was ready to go through child birth.

Me age 12:
“Why did you have to go Daddy?”

Dad...





He left me all too soon. I had many more questions. I am sure he had more answers for me. He was that kind of dad. If he didn’t know the answer he found it for me. He gave me the gift of researching my questions, and not giving them to me immediately. He facilitated my learning, even if sometimes there were some things that were embarrassing. For all that you answered Daddy, THANK YOU. Happy Father’s day, I still miss you.

The Solution...for now

Last week was really rough.  I didn't even have motivation to write.  As many of us did, I was glued to the news about what was going on in in Japan with the earthquake, the Tsunami and all of the devastation and loss of lost ones.  I was also going through a tough time coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to do what was best for my children.  Previously I had mentioned that Thing One was needing his father more than what he normally was use to.  It has progressed into a little bit more of stress induced bed wetting and has put this mommy's heart into a spin.  No one likes to see their child go through pain. 

Big Cheese and I have had no custody agreements or visitation set up by the courts, we have just agreed for the most part on what works for the kids at the time.  It has worked more or less until now.  Big Cheese has a work schedule that fluctuates every 6 months and we have to revisit how we are going to make arrangements with the kids and such.  He rarely has had the babies over night, because he works nights.  However he does get two days off of work and he for the most part has not asked to have them stay over night.  This has worked because of the simple fact that our children were still very young. 

Thing One has been asking for more time with Big Cheese.  I brought this to Big Cheese's attention in hopes that discussing it we could come up with a solution on having both children visit over night.  It has been a battle since I brought this up.  Two weeks ago Big Cheese promised to spend a Sunday into Monday with the children.  The week before this was to happen Big Cheese informed me at Thing One's soccer game that he was not going to be in town the next week.  That very moment I was sent into mad insane anger.  Thing One had already been told that he and Thing Two were going to their Daddy's house.  One thing I cannot handle very well is that my child be disappointed by something completely preventable. 

I took action and put my foot down.  Some call it spiteful, some may even call it vindictive, but I had to do what I had to for my children's sake.  The Monday following his "vacation"  I informed him that I was no longer allowing him to see the children all week as we had previously planned.  He had always said that he did not want to have the children over the weekend because: 1.  He spent all week with them Monday through Friday and he needed a break.  and 2. I always did stuff with the kids on the weekend anyway.  I explained it to him that if he thought he was spending too much time with them that we could cut his visitation to one day a week and every other weekend. 

I saw shock in his face.  My stomach churned from the stress of the decision I had come to.  I was uneasy with it, I wanted what was best for my children and I felt as if I was being cornered to make decisions based on the inability of others to see the whole picture.  Somehow coming to this decision empowered me a bit because even though he was angry and my children had to adjust to the change, I was trying to do what was right by my children.  I could see if this was a battle for time for myself(which I need from time to time) how this can be seen as wrong.  Mostly I was doing it for Thing One and his struggle to come to terms with separate homes.  That made me able to get through all the turmoil in my head. 

Wednesday came and Big Cheese picked up the children.  Thursday he returned to the babysitters home to pick up the children.  He again was shocked that I wasn't going to allow him to take the children.  Big Cheese called and I stood my ground and explained as to why I was doing what I was doing.  He started to cry and tell me that he could not stand seeing the children cry when he left them and that he loved them.  This is when I believe my point came across.  "I go through that same feeling every time you promise our children you will be there, and then you dont' come through".  The silence after that statement was deafening. We actually calmed down and talked about having the kids go over to his home every other weekend.  I even asked if he needed time to himself during the week so that I could make arrangements to have the baby sitter take the children more days.  To my surprise he said no, I'm ok. 

My head stopped spinning, my heart was happier.  Not only was I being heard, but I was being heard because of the love we both share for our children.  I would say it was a great moment for us.  Co-parenting is not an easy thing.  People get hurt, children get hurt, but when it works for the best my heart sings.

Have you ever gone through a difficult time co-parenting?  How did things ultimately work out?

Flashback Friday - Analyzing the Marriage/child decision...AGAIN

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

March 6, 2006 - This is the blog where I am like Marissa Tomei in "My Cousin Vinny" 

 Things did not quite work out as I had hoped in this blog.

So as much as I deny it, it feels good to have a little one snuggle with you. My cousin's little girl snuggled with me and she was snoozing away. I held her at a family party as her parents ate dinner. They didn't want to just leave her on the couch to sleep. I offered to hold her. So this is where my story begins.
I always had planned on having kids. Never happened with the ex-husband because, well for one reason or another he just couldn't have kids. It still remains a big mystery, he never included me in on what was going on, which is probably a big reason why we are not together today. So forward to know, I'm 35.

Yes, you heard it
35!!!

I don't remember what happened, but dang...Hello 30-35! It's a blur. I spent it with someone who I thought I might have a family with, maybe even do the married thing. Yeah, I'm a sucker for pain!
So that clearly never happened or else I would be here telling you guys that yeah married life is a pain, and the kids drive me up the wall, but I'm happy. So now comes the decisions. I made a decision to not have children, and that was after thinking and thinking and thinking. (a whole lot of thinking)

I asked myself questions like, would you be willing to take that risk at 35 to have a child, would you be able to do it without being married, or having the father of the child around? So when I answered, I don't want to be the oldest mom in the school parking lot, I know what that's like. I don't want to be the one to tell my child, yeah I don't know why your daddy isn't around, I know what that's like. I don't want to explain to my child that oh yeah daddy lives with so and so and I live here with so and so, but your our love and blah blah blah... it just didn't work for me.

For me I wasn't willing to settle to bring a child into this world and not have a happy marriage. It just goes hand in hand for me. I know, how conservative is that coming from a liberal person?! I guess deep down inside those are the things I really wanted and now I find that just a memory.

But let me tell you when I felt that little girl all snuggled on me, it made me just feel like ...oh what the hell have a kid on your own! Any donors? LOL Like I said, I'm all screwed up! Deep down, I'm still going to end up thinking about it and going...Nope shouldn't do it.

Career Girl Interrupted

Ever since I was a child my mind has been wrapped up in making it as a successful business/career woman.   I was about 8 or 9 years old when I saw this commercial:

She seemed so with it, together.  I wanted to be that woman with a business suit to say "I brought home the bacon".  While all of my friends were playing with dolls, pretending to be mommy's, I pretended to be the daycare center owner or the school principal where all the dolls would be.  While my friends were playing tea party, I played the owner of the restaurant where they were having tea.  My parents had taken me to a warehouse store (Think Costco)  and asked if I wanted anything.  I wanted a huge box of Cracker Jacks.  Instead of a delicious snack, I though of selling the boxes to my friends and making a profit out of it.  This was successful and I had a neighborhood candy store out of my garage.  I started with candy and progressed to soda's to the neighborhood adults.  I got my first job at 13 working for the parks and recreation program in the city through a special program.  I also was able to house sit for the neighbors that went on vacation and babysit to make some extra cash. 

I never saw my life without some kind of goal being met towards a career.  I went to school became a preschool teacher and then life happened.  I met Prince Charming.  I wanted babies with him and my career goal took a slight back seat to Life.  When babies were not in our future and a divorce was more than likely I put my head back into being a career woman.  I was 30 by this time.  I changed careers, and had to start from the bottom again.  The struggles where all worth it, I went back to school and worked in various businesses.  Graduating with my Bachelors degree in Business was the best thing ever, I was looking forward to working towards my MBA.  There I was 35 and full of hopes to move forward with my career and with my new job. I still rememeber my interview they asked me "Where to you see yourself in 5 years?"  my answer "In a management position, such as yours" .  I was THAT ambitious.

Flash forward to just a year after graduation.  I find myself pregnant, this was not in my career plan or my life plan.  I struggled with concentrating on work let alone on the whole I am going to be a mom.  I had wanted to be a mother for so long and then the moment I gave up and was going to dedicate myself to my career.  After all this was the dream I had since I was a child.  I felt really emotional about the choices I was going to have to make.  During that time I was the only one that would have a child in the office.  I felt hard to relate to my co-workers and all I wanted to do was sit and cry.  Once Thing One was born, I just yearned to be home.  Financially Big Cheese and I knew I had to go back to work.  It pulled at every inch of my heart to leave Thing One everyday.  Every morning I cried in my car before getting into work.  I often felt alienated because no one really was going through the same things I was going through.  Not to much later I was pregnant again with Thing Two.  I struggled again with going to work.  This time I was the not the only one in the office with children, so I started to feel more of a camaraderie between my co-workers. 

So here I sit almost 5 years from the point of when I got hired and I told the interviewer I wanted a management spot.  Somehow life has side tracked me again.  Sure, this could probably be a really sad realization to some, but something happened just the other day. My yearly review was a real success and I was asked if I would like to make the next step in my career.  My answer surprised me.  Without hesitation I said "Let me think about that, I have to consider my life/work balance".  I thought of the extra stress , what I would be bring home with me and into my children's lives. Imagine that?!?!  This whole time while I thought was wishing for a career, I really just wanted to be a successful mom. I am ok with that.

The Evolution of a Diaper Bag

I was cleaning out the closets and getting ready to get rid of things when I ran into a few diaper bags I have used in the past with my babies.  Each one of the bags has a story of where I was in my many mommy stages.  

The BackPack

My first ever diaper bag was a sling backpack diaper bag.  We chose this one because, well there was a "WE".  I wasn't going to be the only one lugging around a baby and really how cool does a guy look with a Winnie the Pooh diaper bag? 

 

The Free Hospital Small Diaper Bag

This is the smaller tote bag that I hauled around after Thing One was about 10 months old.  It was the free bag the hospital had given me and it was convenient.  I was having to bring less items with me when I took him places.  A sippy cup, diapers, wipes, and a place for my wallet and cell phone. It was super convenient as well because I needed a lightweight bag since I was carrying Thing Two in my belly at the time.

 

The Suitcase "THE BEAST" 

This lovely HUGE suitcase of a diaper bag was what was required when I was in the thick of two babies that were 17 months apart.  It carried bottles, sippy cups, bibs, change of clothes, pull -ups, snacks, diapers, a huge refill of baby wipes, plastic bags, baby food.  I probably could have packed a few receiving blankets in that thing too.  This was also the time I found myself alone and having to bring both babies with me anywhere and everywhere. 

The Free Hospital Tote Bag Part DEUX

This is the tote bag that was on a smaller scale than the BEAST I was carrying when I had two babies in tow.  I started using this one when Thing Two was about 9 months old and Thing One was completely potty trained.  I still had to lug some bottles and snacks and diapers around, but it wasn't the overwhelming monster I had to pack previously.

 

The "Let's Go Somewhere FUN" Backpack

This is what I currently use to go to places like the County Fair, the Zoo, Book Fairs, the park for a day, or anything that requires a whole day out with two toddlers.  I like the broad straps that make it comfortable to wear on my shoulders.  It also leaves my hands free to catch a toddler who just happens to run the opposite way of our intended destination.  It also has my favorite college's logo on it.  I aspire to have one or both of the Things to go someday. 

The "Throw it in" Tote Bag

This was given to me recently for Christmas. I love that I can personalize it with pictures that mean a lot to me and Things One and Two.  I love that I can now just throw in two sippy cups, one change of clothes, a few diapers, and a small wipe box.  It's light and the kids love to hold it for me and look at the memories we've created along the way.

*SIGH*

This screams more "HOT MAMA" and less "HOT TODDLER MESS MOMMA" .  Someday I keep telling myself.  I'm sure once I get this purse I'm going to miss those big diaper bag days (or not).  

Defining a Family

Mami got Thing Two a doll house for her birthday. I finally got around to putting it together and putting it out for Thing One and Thing Two to play with. While I was putting the pieces together Thing One kept saying "I want brother!" I was wondering what he was referring to. Once I put the doll house out Thing One raced over with Thing Two to play with it. This is the moment he picked the male figure and said "See, the brother"
What is funny is that I'm sure that the maker of the toy meant the male, the female, and the baby to represent a nuclear family (Mom, Dad, Child). That is the way I was viewing them. Maybe I was reflecting on the dynamic of my own family: Sarge, Mami and I. It was bitter sweet to me that Thing One did not see what I saw in those figures. I truly wanted to give my two children a mom and a dad under the same roof. Instead Thing One's definition of his family was a Mom, a brother, and a sister.

I have started to accept the reality of what I can give to my children as I look around and see that there are several definitions of family. Some are grandparents raising a grandchild. Some are partners of the same sex raising children. Some are single parents raising one or many children. Whatever the dynamic, I'm glad that Thing One was able to identify his own family better than I could. Whatever your definition of family, a child will most definitely know where they belong and how much they are loved.

The Chupy (Pacifier) Chronicles

AHEM..*Stands in front of podium and adjusts microphone*

"Hi my name is Dooritos, I am a mommy who has let her child have a Chupy (Pacifier) until the age of 2"

Yes, I feel like I need to be in an 12 step program when taking away my last babies special Chupy.  Why does it feel like I have to let her go from being my baby girl?! UGH! 

• First step:  Admit I'm powerless over the fact that my 2 year old needs a chupy and that every minute of the day has been overwhelmed with demands of this "Chupy".  When did losing a chupy put me in panic mode??!!!
• Second step:  Making the decision to finally get rid of the Chupy and letting my 2 year old get a hold of herself and comforting herself without the help of said "chupy".

Day one of operation "NO CHUPY" Step One was realized on her second birthday.  When I thought, she's a grown little girl, she talks, makes demands, and really is no longer a helpless baby.  OH MY...she still has a chupy!!!!  Ok time for intervention....TOMORROW.  :)

Why hide this beautiful smile behind a Chupy?!



Her last time with her beloved Chupy. (or so I thought)

Day two of operation "NO Chupy" went something like this:

Me: "Good Morning Thing Two! How are you?" 

Thing Two: "I want Chupy"

Me: "No you're two now.  You are a big girl and big girls don't use a Chupy"

Thing Two: " I NOT TWO! I NOT BIG GIRL!"

Me: *Blank stare* SIGH

I ignored her request and we went on to Gymboree and our normal routine, without much fuss.  Then we drove home and Thing Two fell asleep in the car.  As I was moving her from the car to her bed she woke up demanding said Chupy.  Again I said no.  This is what occurred right after:

*SIGH*  She finally calmed down and I was more exhausted from the whole ordeal than maybe she was.  It could have also have been that I had been feeling sick and the birthday party the evening before had just wasted me away to an absolute stupor.  Grandpa Big Cheese offered to take the kids over night, and I gladly handed them over.  This is the part when we fall off the wagon.  I handed Grandpa Big Cheese the much acclaimed Chupy.  I wasn't going to have him go through what I went through.  "Just give it to her tonight, I will deal with this tomorrow"  The Chupy won that time.  I felt defeated and tired.  Tomorrow would be another day.

Day three of operation "NO Chupy" went a little better. We had already limited the Chupy use months ago to just nap and just bed time.  She occasionally found one and stuck it in her mouth during these months.  All day, no Chupy requests, thank goodness!  Then came bedtime.  Thing Two requested over and over her beloved Chupy.  Finally at about 11:00 pm she fell asleep Chupy-less.  RELIEF!  Then at about three in the morning I got a visitor in my bedroom.  All I heard was a small whisper "Mommy Chuppy".  Again explained she was a big girl and put her back to bed.  An hour later she found her way back to my room "Mommy Chupy.  I sleep you?" I needed sleep, so in she went to my bed while I slept for another 30 minutes just to be awakened by my lovely alarm clock.  I think this was the point when I met the step of making a decision to let God take over. GOD, please let me get through this!!!

Day four of operation "No Chupy" was splendid.  No chupy requests, no fighting her sleep, just sleep at a decent hour.  This was a great day!

Day five of operation "No Chupy", what happened to day four!!!!  Well Thing Two stayed up until 11 pm requesting, pleading, begging for her Chupy.  I almost gave in, but I remembered the day before and the success of that day.  She fell asleep and I got no visitor that night. 

Day six, my goodness I'm exhausted!  She's exhausted too, I can see it across her face.  That night not much screaming or pleading, just a simple question, "Chupy mommy?"   Again the big girl conversation was told to Thing Two.  This time after I finished I got a sigh and an "OKAY".  Wow, that was something I didn't expect. I think she reached the acceptance step.  Then I got a visit at two in the morning, "Mommy I sleep you?".  SIGH, from me this time.  OKAY.

Today is day seven, a week from the time we both have been going through this operation "No Chupy".  It a long road but I think we both have gone through most of the process.  Eventually we will get to the point where a Chupy is no longer mentioned, like that one family member that is never spoken about at family parties.  Today, we will have ice-cream and I will remind her what a big girl she is and how proud I am of her.

I'm still exhausted, I'm still going through growing pains, but it needs to be done.  She will be ok, but it's still hard.  I'm going to hate potty training her.

What challenges have you had with your children?  Have you felt like you have been put through it with them? 

Wishing you and Yours a Happy 2011!

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Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...

A year in review…2010 and A year ahead 2011

 

It’s the end of the year and as always I like to reflect back and look forward. This year was eventful in the world as well as in my life.

 

• We saw Haiti be demolished by a devastating earthquake at the beginning of the year. Millions of people lost, so sad to see so many lives taken that left many children orphaned. I saw all that and held my children tighter, worried more about the kind of earthquake that could happen living in Los Angeles, and prayed a lot more.
   
•  My darling baby girl turned one in January. So much in a year had happened and she had grown so much. She had me worried for a very long time after because she didn’t let go and walk until she was 16 months old. Walking didn’t last long, she was running and keeping up with her brother. She has certainly been one of the best blessings I have received.
   
• This year also marked the first year I survived single parenting. I was able to think of where I was a year from that point and remembered all that I had done as a single parent. It is still a long road but one I’m willing to do for the sake of my children.
   
• My big boy was potty trained in the summer before his third birthday. (yeah! less diapers to change!) He has become quite a comedian this year. He is definitely the little man of the house. He protects his sister and always asks “you ok mama?” when he knows I’ve had a rough day. He is definitely a challenge in all aspects, but he is my love.
   
• The chants of Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le! Inspired all of us. How much we pulled for these miners and their families. The human spirit can endure so much and can make through so much turmoil. My hats off to these men and all that surrounded the efforts to save these men and get them out alive.
   
• Mami had a tumor scare on her other breast. I held my breath for 2 weeks when finally the results came in. The lump the doctor had felt was nothing. I was able to stop holding my breath and breathe again. Another year cancer free.
   
• I will be turning 4 decades old this month. Amazing how life just spins from the moment you are looking at how hard some multiplication table are in elementary school to how hard it is to balance children, an aging parent, work, responsibilities, and a personal life. 

Where will I be heading in 2011? There are a lot of wishes I have for the coming year. Not resolutions, but hopes and dreams.

• To be patient as I train my last baby how to go potty. I want to be diaper free by the end of 2011. (crosses fingers, does a few rosaries, and prays really really hard)
• To get the children’s father to agree to taking the kids every other weekend. The need Daddy time and I need my sanity back, even for a weekend.•To reconnect with my single self. I tried so hard last year to make it work with the kids dad, to try to mend hurt feelings. I now know I tried my best for my part in all this mess and like my dad said, you can take a mule to the river, but you can’t make him drink. There is a lot of damage that requires my attention, inside and out. Positive results come from positive thinking
• Take time to organize, regroup and enjoy the time I have with my little babies. Before you know it they will be grown and these moments will be cherished times.
• Get the little guy into school, sports etc. He is like a sponge he has the need to absorb all that is around
• Make it to church on days that are not just religious holidays. I may not agree with all the church has to say but my heart feels at peace when I go.
•  To be able to talk to the children’s father without feeling angry about his lack of attention to details about the kids. I can’t change his parenting skills. I can only change my approach to his view on parenting.
• Pick up the phone and call friends occasionally. It gives that personal touch that a text message just doesn’t have.
• To continue to maintain a vigilant eye on Mami and her health. Just let us have another year cancer free.

Do you make a yearly inventory of where you have been and where you are going? 

Here is a story for you to retell... I have a heart that bleeds

I have spilled my feelings of rage, anger, sadness, happiness and loneliness all over pages and pages of blogs, journals, and posts on my facebook page, just to have them come back to me as a dagger. My own words twisted and retorted as vicious gossip that is told to Big Cheese.  Big Cheese is not the type to figure out that some people don't have your best interest at heart.  They use these words to spin drama, to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  They do this to stir feelings of chaos for their own enjoyment. 

Now, I'm sure that maybe some of the things that get reported back to Big Cheese of the things are innocently mentioned.  I am not a complete idiot about things like this happening.  I am after all a fairly reasonably person.  Big Cheese is known for making me feel like everything is my fault, that I decided to have a split family.  Despite my many attempts at reconnecting my whole fantasy of a traditional family, despite the numerous times I have set aside my pride, the very fiber of who I am to do this.  So don't think I know that this may be the case.  Do me a favor, when you retell the story show the whole scenario.

Have I felt lonely and sad, yes, yes I have.  I want a big shoulder to cry on to tell me that I am doing ok as a mom, as a woman as a freakin' human being. I want to have a friend in the person I am with.  Big Cheese, I know tries, but there is a huge disconnect in our relationship.  He has been holding on to things that happened when we were dating.  Things that I am not proud of doing. I have apologized, I have tried to move to the present.  I have even disregarded his mistakes during my pregnancy.  He can't let go, he is still angry.  It may not be outwardly apparent, but he lets it all out when we argue.  I can't keep living in the past, my children deserve two happy parents to raise them. 

Like I said I take responsibility for my part in the failure of this relationship, I'm no angel.  I have however vowed to be true to my children.  I have not introduced to anyone I may start dating, because simply put there is no one.  I respect myself to know that this is not a good time for me to even consider that.  Do I desire that attention? Sure, who wouldn't.   I am first and foremost a mother of two young children who deserve my attention right now.  Maybe down the road I can revisit that place as the woman I want to be.  I want to be "that" person for someone and they can be that for me, for now I am ok with just me and the kids. Big Cheese can't meet me half way and talk to me like an adult.  He resorts to insults and raising of his voice.  I will not let him bring me down and make me feel like this is all of my fault. Just because I told him to leave, does not give him the right to blame me for all of it and not take responsibility for his part.

I leave my future in this and any other relationship in God's hands.  I can't do anything else.  I often feel defeated in that department.  Still I pick myself up and dust off and move forward.  Why?  Well here is the simple answer:

So if you want to retell false truths remember this, your words and gossip affects more than just me.  It's like throwing a pebble into a pond, the ripples get bigger and you hurt more than one person with greater intensity.  If that makes you sleep better at night, so be it.  Just do me a favor, sign up to my RSS feed so you can get all the information correct and show him what you read instead of interpretting it on your own. 

Thanks a lot! May you find peace of heart.
 

Letting go...

Worry.  The one word every mother knows.  I don't think there is one day in a mother's life that she at one moment or other has gone without it. Thing Two has had me worried these last two months.  This month marked Thing Two's 16th month of life. She is 2 months shy of reaching the fabulous year and a half mark.  My worry?  Simple, she wasn't walking.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's not physical.  The girl get's around with the help of furniture, walls, hands but she simply hasn't been able to let go and venture on her own.

Thing One, first born, he had me worried too around this age.  All the other children in his Gymboree class were walking on or before their first birthdays.  I kept reading and wondering when the magic moment would happen and then a week after his 14th month, BAM! Yes he was walking.  So I figured Thing Two might be walking a little later, no problem.  So after month 15 passed I started to go over in my head all of the things that could possibly be why she wasn't walking. Was she scared? Was it physical?  Was it neuroligical? So my mind going a million miles a minute probably was the best thing to do.  For the next month I observed Thing Two closely, every step, every movements.  I tried to encourage her a time or two to let go. 

Thing Two had other ideas.  When I would try to let go of the chubby little hand I could feel the forceful Kung Fu grip on my finger. I even said "Let Go baby!" Okay Thing Two hold on a little longer to mommy.  Inside I was holding on tightly as well. Worry, worry, worry! I think when I worry I manifest it physically as well.  I have had stomach pains and headaches all month.  I am sure there were other factors, but my biggest worry is my children's health and welfare. 

Mami even began to tell me "Ten Fe" (have faith).  I could see the worry in her face as well.  Mami as always has put her faith in her saints and her Catholic beliefs.  So yes Thing Two was in her prayers every night, please let her "Let Go" and walk. Sunday evening rolled around and Thing Two was sitting on her little sofa and playing with her Dora doll.  She tossed her doll a distance and stood up.  No big deal, she does that always.  What came next was more exciting than a rollercoaster!  One, Two, Three, Four steps!  I must have scared her when I yelled Go! Go! Go! She stopped. 

Relief and joy was the overwhelming feeling I felt.  I called Mami over and said, your prayers were answered she "Let Go!".  Mami just smiled and said "It was for you, not for her".  One moment, one joy, and yes I learned to let go and stop worrying so much.  Everything in due time.  Lesson learned Mami, I will loosen my Kung Fu grip.