The Original Super Single Mom

Life lately has been tough.  Something I did not think I would be doing is raising children on my own.  While there father is a participant in their lives, it really is not like I can say I have a partner in raising these children.  I find myself giving 99.999999% of what should really be a shared experience. I have wrestled a very long time with this fact.  I attribute this to my own childhood.  Sarge was always a very active participant father and most loving partner in my childhood.  I was truly blessed to have two parents in the early part of my life. Lately my lovely insomnia has hit me at 3 AM.  Somewhere in my mind something was stirring, maybe the fact that some days I feel stretched over two times over, worried about Kindergarten progress, summer vacation plans, how to effectively get help for getting the kids around.  I have felt pretty alone and overwhelmed lately.  Then it hit me the other day.  I am not the only one this has happened to.

October 9, 1983 Mami became a single mother and a widow.  I remember sitting next to her holding my hand just outside the IC unit that my father was in when a nurse came out to call someone else in the hallway.  This moment is burned in my memory only because the nurse had blood, my fathers blood all on the front of her crisp white scrubs.  Mami pulled me in close and tried to shield my fragile 12 year old eyes from seeing what I was seeing.  In her arms I shook with fear.  We both held each other for what seemed like a very long time until the doctor came out and said my father was gone.  Our world as we knew it was gone. 

I still remember listening to Mami cry night after night after he was gone.  Somehow in the mornings all that was gone and she got breakfast on the table and me out the door to school.  While I was at school she managed to arrange for a funeral, my care after school, and make other arrangements for our future. Mami became my advocate when people insisted that I wear black to the funeral when she knew all I wanted to do was wear my dad's favorite dress for me.  She didn't know I heard that argument she had, but I did.  I became less alone at that moment.  Mami would always have my best interest at heart.  She knew I was grieving the loss of my best friend.  She made sure the school knew I was going through issues and that I would not be the same child. 

Mami found a way to babysit children at home and get me what I needed.  I needed for someone to home to after school, security.  I always had clean clothes, a roof over my head, vacations, someone to show up at my school events. The most amazing thing to me was that she didn't drive a single day in her life and still doesnt' to this day.  The first vacation we took after my dad was to Florida, on a bus. Yes, a bus from California to Florida.  Years later I wondered, how? How did she come up with the money, how did she make the arrangements, how did she know we were going to be safe on the trip?

I looked back on that recently and knew, just knew that it was the same love I feel for my own children.  For many times that I feel defeated and alone, I remember Mami.  She did this alone, with no family nearby to support her.  Just her will to give me everything I needed and things that I wanted.  The love a mother knows no boundaries.  It does not know about her own grief, but knows about her child's grief.  I am the super single mom today thanks in part to all those experiences that Mami gave me and made it seem effortless.  Her grief, her loneliness, her struggles, all set aside.  So when people question how I do it all for my the Things I just hold my head high and say "I'm Super Mom Jr.". 

On this day I honor you Mami,  you survived my teenage years alone, I too shall make it through.


Happy Mother's day all!

That moment...

Today's blog is inspired by the Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:

Happy almost Mother’s Day! Share a parenting moment where you really began to realize what this mothering thing is all about.

Everyone has a different story about how the KNEW they were a mother.  A true sense of the word.  People define it in many terms and with different degrees of emotion.  I have a slew of moments this occurred.  Like the time the nurse told me I was swaddling Thing One wrong.  What a a few of us experience though is much different than our counterparts that are married.  It is called the "Single Mom" moment. 

 Big Cheese and I had been apart since Thing Two was 4 weeks old.  There I was, trying to breast feed a newborn and ripping her off my breast to go rescue Thing One from falling off a couch he had climbed.  I cried on the floor  along with my babies that morning.  Not just from the burning pain in my breast, but because I was alone with two very young children.  It felt surreal, because my plan never included being alone.  Yet there I was crying along with both of my babies wondering if I would ever get through this moment.  I vowed never to be alone with them.  Mami was always there to help out with Thing One.  She kept him entertained while I breast fed, or focused attention on my very newborn Thing Two. When venturing out I always had a friend, a family member, or Mami to help when Thing One would wander off aimlessly as I tried to put Thing Two in her car seat.   

August 2009, was when Thing One turned two.  He had been watching Nick Jr. and a song about the beach came on.  He was hyper focused and would talk incessantly about the beach and how he wanted to go. A mother will do anything for her children who was I to say no. On his birthday I planned to take him to a local beach that was kid friendly called "mother's beach".  It is more of a bay than anything, but they have life guards, and plenty of play things for small children.  I asked Mami to go with me, but she has never been a lover of walking in sand and her mobility was a concern to her.  It was a weekday, which meant all of my friends were working.  Only one thing to do at that point, go with the children by myself.

I packed up the car, planned every minute of that day.  How do I keep them safe?  What if something happens, what is my plan of action?  Self talk that came up a lot: "Breathe, you can do this, it is what Thing One has been looking forward to". 

There were moments in the day when I thought I was going to lose it. Like when Thing Two toppled over in the sand while sitting and got it in her face. In the mad rush to wash her off, Thing One decided to throw a tantrum and not want to go to the water. I must have looked like a mad woman dragging a screaming toddler and carrying a crying baby. Then there was the moment that while in the water Thing One slipped under the shallow water and I couldn’t get his little hand fast enough to pull him up. The look on his face was of fear and relief at the same time. I recognized that look on him because that is how I  had felt most days since Big Cheese had been gone.

Woo Hoo! Let's hear it for tantrums!:

At the end of the day I had a happy Thing One and we all survived our first outing with just the three of us. When I sat down and thought of it all I realized I could do this single mom thing.  Is it hard? By all means YES!  Could I do this alone? YES!

When your a mother, there is no time to fear or to doubt.  Sometimes you just have to face those fears that lay inside your mind and do what your heart is telling you to do for those you love the most.  It means sacrificing and growing.  That day I knew that despite my support system, I could raise these children and that all would be ok, even if it didn't seem like it at that moment. 

I am glad I went through that moment to become a better mother, and to tackle my fears. Since then The Things and I have gone on to many adventures together, just the three of us. No more crying on the floor.

The joy that will forever be burned in my head that day:

Happy Mothers day to all my fearless moms.

What was your "mom" moment?

Inspiring me to write my life story:

First Heart Break

You know in life you always have that first heart break.  It never crossed my mind that Thing Two would experience it from the one man who should carry her heart like a delicate piece of china. Big Cheese broke her heart this weekend and I want to tear his apart for making her feel like that. 

I am typing this with bags and dark circles under my eyes. My heart breaks for my baby girl.  Saturday was her big day.  She got her first ever trophy that day. Big Cheese, no where in sight.  Las Vegas to be precise on his location.  I had a huge discussion with him about this decision. Big Cheese had known about this big day since January when the soccer schedules were given.  I would have seen it as a mere over sight had it not been for the fact that he never backed out of going. 

To top it off, it was his weekend with the Things.  He actually called me to cover for him so that he could go and he would take the next two weekends to be with the children.  I just couldn't believe he was going to miss her big day.  When I reminded him of the day and that I would cover if he still wanted to go, he said "Thanks".  I felt the blood heat up under my skin.  In my head "Thanks" was a brush off of what this would do to my little dolls heart.  I just answered "No need to Thank me, you will need to explain to the Things why you were not there".  Of course I got no answer.

Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things, and this just exacerbated those feelings. He had already let our children witness their father get into my face and yell and call me names in public.  Their little hearts were suffering and all I wanted was some kind of normal for them.  We argued once more before he left.  Big Cheese thought I was just upset because he was going to Las Vegas.  This wasn't like the times before, I wasn't concerned about our family, this time it was our children.   It was a big day, a moment that is fleeting.  It will never be her first trophy ever again.  Las Vegas will always be there, but this moment is gone.  Thing Two now holds the memory of her father being absent from that moment.

You must think by now "Well she is three, she can't possibly remember anything".  All day on Saturday we were busy, happy, or so I thought.  I saw a glimpse of her searching the crowd when she got the trophy, a slight sad look.  I just left it alone, hoping it was just me that saw that look.  Sunday morning as we ate breakfast with no one but her and I eating at the table she uttered the phrase I long feared would come sooner or later, "Mommy, Daddy wasn't at my banquet.  It made me sad.  Zoe had her daddy there".  Her face was sullen and her eyes watered and filled with salty tears that I kissed away for her.  It's all I could do.  I couldn't discount those feelings.  Her little heart was broken. 

Times like these I wish he could see what he does by some of his actions.  The same actions that made me walk away from him. Only this time it was not a 39 year old woman who's heart he broke, it was a three year old sweet vivacious little girl who's heart he broke. 

I was so sad and mad.  Mad that he had the ability to chose his own interest over his children.  How does one make things better?  I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be there and to help both my children heal from all this.  I just hope the happy feelings out weigh those that reside in her heart at this moment.

Mama Kat's World Famous Writing Workshop: I do believe in the Magic of Disneyland!

One of this week’s Mama Kat’s World Famous writing prompts brought me a flood of memories.

“It happened at Disneyland… “ Read on.

Living in the city of Angels gives me an opportunity to be literally a hop skip and a jump away from the Happiest Place on Earth (also known as the most expensive, but I digress) . My first visit ever to Disneyland was one I was just a month old.  Of course this was in the days when you didn’t have to give a liver and promise for other body part upon death to get in.   We had family visiting and dad always made sure they had a trip to Disneyland.  I guess that is why I took it for granted for so many years that it was so close.  I was always excited to go, but alas it would always be there. I lost the true magic of the place somewhere and didn’t go for years.  Somewhere between high school Grad night at Disney and the one or two trips after that, I lost the love for it.

This love loss prevented me from ever wanting to go again.  That is until about two years ago.  Thing One and Thing Two fell in love with the Mickey Mouse Club House. They were sucked into the world of Disney.  DARN YOU CATCHY SONG! 

Then there were endless birthday wishes of “I want to see where Mickey and Minnie live Momma” .  There eyes pleading, begging.  How do I fight this?  Easy I looked at the prices and nearly passed out.  “What do you mean I have to pay for a 3 year old???!!! “  Commercialism at it’s best.  They wanted me to bite.  I didn’t instead I took them to Disney on Ice.  What is a single mom to do after all.  So for the next year after seeing Disney Ice they did nothing but talk about the experience and how the loved it.

 I got it folks “Parent Guilt”.  So for the next year I plotted and planned on how to make Disneyland more affordable to a single mom.  I found ways around it and saved money and I got us tickets for the most magical time of the year at Disneyland, the holidays.

People, do you know what happened?  I LOVED LOVED LOVED sharing it through the eyes of two excited little children.  Their excitement and joy was mine.  Everything was new and everything was worth seeing.  Even sharing the scary moment of meeting the characters and freaking out with Thing Two was worth every penny.  I’m already planning next year’s trip.  When the castle was lit and we were on Main Street and the man made snow fell as the gentle Christmas music played I cried.  I get it now, I get why my dad would take us all the time.  It’s not about how much he spent; it was about the magic he saw in my eyes. 

It was a wonderful 1st visit to the Magic Kingdom!

As always ROCKED to you because I love this blogger:

Mama Kat's World Famous Writer's Workshop: Phobia re-visited

Mama Kat's World Famous Writers workshop had a prompt that I couldn't avoid.  It was recent and fresh and I had to share:  A case of the nerves! When was the last time you had them and how did you get through it?

Sweaty, a slight tremble in my hands, eyes wide open, heart pounding, and a nervous smile. That is what happens when I see a dog coming towards me. It doesn’t matter the size, the breed, how friendly they are, or even how much they are barking at me.  I have over come the screaming and running the opposite direction, phase of this fear. Although in my head I am doing JUST THAT.  My dad helped me overcome that side of my phobia when I helped raise a dog from a puppy at the age of 10.  Still, in the back of my illogical head I want to run and scream. It makes for tense forced feelings inside that do not manifest themselves outwardly, but that I suffer silently in my mad head.  Or am I really that illogical in my dog phobia?  I mean after all I still vividly remember the day our little Chihuahua “Ronnie” bit my big toe while I was playing with him outside.  I was 3 years old, and I still remember. 

Flash forward to Monday, March 12, 2012. Thing Two is three years old and loves and adores dogs, particularly the small non-threatening type.  I have always told her that not all dogs are to be approached and played with, and specifically not to pull ears or tails.  I haven’t wanted to scare what is natural for her to love dogs and be around them because of my fears.  So this day in particular was tense, nerve racking and exhausting as any day I have had. 

I was picking up the children from the baby sitter and I was talking to the sitter as Thing One was finishing up his dinner.  The sitter was telling me what a great day they were having and that my daughter was in the backyard with her husband and her grandchild.  That is when I heard it.  The scream that sent chills through out my body.  I ran outside only to see Thing Two’s cherub like face covered in blood.  I could see a gaping hole on her top lip.  “MOMMY, the DOGGY HURT ME”  I knew the sitter’s dog had bit her.  All at once I felt her pain, her panic, and my adrenalin propelled nerves were set in.  From the moment I scooped her up and got to the ER two blocks down the street is a blur.  I know we got there in a matter of seconds and there are about 2 lights to get there, so I can only imagine what I did.  

Once in the ER it was standing room only. Thing Two was screaming and screaming and saying it hurt.  I wanted to cry with her.  As a parent it pains you to see your flesh and blood in a terrible situation, you want to make it better.  I knew if I did lose it, it would not help her.  I just repeated to myself everything is ok, it is in God’s hands now.  Standing in line to get checked in a child around her age handed her a small toy that was apparently just purchased in those little coin machines.  He said “It’s ok”.  Watching that transpire was like a sign to keep cool and it would be okay.

We were triaged and I waited outside the ER room so as not to make everyone else nervous with Thing Two’s cries.  I cleaned us both up from the blood that was on us and sat and sang to her.  It was really to soothe both of us.  As we sat there I watched ambulance come and go.  One ambulance was taking a child on a breathing machine to another hospital. Another brought a man with chest pain gasping and grasping his arm.  I rocked and sang and Thing Two was soothed and she even fell asleep for a bit.  In that moment I knew it would be ok.  My child was safe in my arms and she wasn’t in a life or death situation.  She was alive and we could get this fixed.  I thought of the parents of that child who was rolled out to another hospital and to the family of the man being brought in. 

Was the whole even nerve racking? Oh YES!  It was ten times worse when I had to watch Thing Two being restrained and get stitches on her pretty upper lip and here her scream “Why, Why, Why??!!”

I had to hold it together for her, for her dad who was pacing outside the ER room, for me.  So once the stitches and medication had been given and we were alone at home in bed, I cried.  I let all the tension and hurt out. 

I hope she can erase that fearful moment in her head.  I hope she is more resilient than I was.  I hope that the only scar she will carry will be the one on the top of her lip and not in her psyche.  That is what you do as a parent.  You never let them know that you too were scared.  You after all are their protector, the one that keeps them knowing that everything will be safe and normal. 

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What feelings have you set aside for the sake of your child's well being?

As always today's fab post brought to you with the help of:

The wheels on the bus that humble and other life experiences.

This fabulous monster is what has been my main form of transportation the last couple of months.  My car finally took a turn for the worst and is ending up resting in peace in the cemetery of twisted metal that is a junk yard.  While for most people this may not be the end all of existence in the city, it is if you live in Los Angeles.

This city plain and simply was not built for the ease of public transportation.  It has improved vastly in the last couple of years.  However it is not conducive to work with a schedule of a single mother of two who's normal commute to work is an hour each way on a normal day, without having to take a bus.  In order to get to work I was having to get up at an ungodly hour, schlep myself to a bus stop, wait in the darkness of the morning, take three buses only to end up 20 minutes from my start time.  Two hours of commuting, if I was lucky to catch the bus on time.  *SIGH* 

I have missed a bus and by missed I mean TOTALLY missed it.  I got home at 8.  Just enough time to pick the kids up, bathe them and put them to sleep.  I cried that night.  Big Cheese has been more of a hindering factor than a helping one in all this.  I asked for help and I got the "I am busy with my life, it's not my weekend, you deal with it"  speech.  It was actually an angry tirade that set me back.  I felt alone and just defeated.  I did a lot of crying, a lot of praying.  I had to figure out life, how to get me and The Things to and from all of our various activities, how I was going to come up with some reliable transportation. 

It is in the moments like this that you know who is really there for you.  I had a car for a few weeks from a family friend that is like a big brother.  He was going through his own set of difficulties and yet he helped me out.  He had gone to Mexico with a friend to visit his wife and young child, only to find his wife sick.  Turns out she has leukemia and he was staying longer to take care of her.  He saved me a couple of weeks of grief from riding the metal monster of the bus.  I have had a co-worker help me get home at a decent time occasionally.  She has a son and is a single mom and knows all to well how I was missing my babies.  Then there is the friend from Facebook who I know through her brother and mostly through posts and comments on each other's status.  She saw the post where I was on the bus and how I was people watching.  She sent me a message "I do nothing all day, I can give you a ride".  Raw in delivery but the sentiment was felt deeply.

Then there is T.  T is my source of support, my spouse in a spouse less relationship.  She made arrangements as much as she could so I wouldn't be on the bus all the time.  Then there was the slew of people keeping an eye open for a newer used car on sale.  Like Pretty Eyes, who gave me her dad's number and now I am a day closer to a newer set of wheels. 

I have been humbled, brought to tears, and then redeemed by the love of friends and family.  Life's lessons are hard to swallow, especially when there are little ones involved.  I am just glad I am seeing the light of day finally and that the Things and I will be off to new adventures again.  Minus a bus. :)

What challenges have you had as a parent?  What or who saved your sanity during that trying moment?

Single mom: "NOT FEELING GUILTY"

It has been almost two months that I have had every other weekend off of my mommy duties.  Big Cheese has been really good about taking the Things and we have had a better understanding of each others responsibilities.  I have read a lot of blogs of single parents who truly feel guilt as well as sadness when their children go with the other parent's home.  I often think there must be something wrong with me, because I truly don't feel that way.  I have friends who are single parents as well tell me I would be sad and that I would miss them. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  The first weekend I had without the children I did things I hadn't done in a while:

• I cleaned out rooms, sorted clothes (mine and the children's) without interruptions
• I had coffee and conversation with friends, without yelling at children to stop what they were doing.
• I exercised, and not by running after toddlers or with the help of Gymboree. 
• I sat on the couch and vegged in front of the TV staring aimlessly at shows minus animated characters and singing involved.
• I ate a hot meal that had just been served, no reheating involved.
• I stayed in my PJ's until 3 by choice, not because there was no time for a shower or ability to change.
• I showered in warm water for close to 30 minutes with no one banging at the door to get in.

Sure there was times in the day when I thought about what the Things were doing, but it had been so long since the last time I actually got to do all of the things above that I relished in it. I also figure that since they were with Big Cheese and had the opportunity to build a stronger bond with him, it was a very good thing for my babies.  I have to say I think I finally found an upside to this single/co-parenting situation.  I get some ME time to help me get in gear to be a better parent for Thing One and Thing Two.

What is your way of getting ME time?  Do you feel guilty or refreshed?

The Solution...for now

Last week was really rough.  I didn't even have motivation to write.  As many of us did, I was glued to the news about what was going on in in Japan with the earthquake, the Tsunami and all of the devastation and loss of lost ones.  I was also going through a tough time coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to do what was best for my children.  Previously I had mentioned that Thing One was needing his father more than what he normally was use to.  It has progressed into a little bit more of stress induced bed wetting and has put this mommy's heart into a spin.  No one likes to see their child go through pain. 

Big Cheese and I have had no custody agreements or visitation set up by the courts, we have just agreed for the most part on what works for the kids at the time.  It has worked more or less until now.  Big Cheese has a work schedule that fluctuates every 6 months and we have to revisit how we are going to make arrangements with the kids and such.  He rarely has had the babies over night, because he works nights.  However he does get two days off of work and he for the most part has not asked to have them stay over night.  This has worked because of the simple fact that our children were still very young. 

Thing One has been asking for more time with Big Cheese.  I brought this to Big Cheese's attention in hopes that discussing it we could come up with a solution on having both children visit over night.  It has been a battle since I brought this up.  Two weeks ago Big Cheese promised to spend a Sunday into Monday with the children.  The week before this was to happen Big Cheese informed me at Thing One's soccer game that he was not going to be in town the next week.  That very moment I was sent into mad insane anger.  Thing One had already been told that he and Thing Two were going to their Daddy's house.  One thing I cannot handle very well is that my child be disappointed by something completely preventable. 

I took action and put my foot down.  Some call it spiteful, some may even call it vindictive, but I had to do what I had to for my children's sake.  The Monday following his "vacation"  I informed him that I was no longer allowing him to see the children all week as we had previously planned.  He had always said that he did not want to have the children over the weekend because: 1.  He spent all week with them Monday through Friday and he needed a break.  and 2. I always did stuff with the kids on the weekend anyway.  I explained it to him that if he thought he was spending too much time with them that we could cut his visitation to one day a week and every other weekend. 

I saw shock in his face.  My stomach churned from the stress of the decision I had come to.  I was uneasy with it, I wanted what was best for my children and I felt as if I was being cornered to make decisions based on the inability of others to see the whole picture.  Somehow coming to this decision empowered me a bit because even though he was angry and my children had to adjust to the change, I was trying to do what was right by my children.  I could see if this was a battle for time for myself(which I need from time to time) how this can be seen as wrong.  Mostly I was doing it for Thing One and his struggle to come to terms with separate homes.  That made me able to get through all the turmoil in my head. 

Wednesday came and Big Cheese picked up the children.  Thursday he returned to the babysitters home to pick up the children.  He again was shocked that I wasn't going to allow him to take the children.  Big Cheese called and I stood my ground and explained as to why I was doing what I was doing.  He started to cry and tell me that he could not stand seeing the children cry when he left them and that he loved them.  This is when I believe my point came across.  "I go through that same feeling every time you promise our children you will be there, and then you dont' come through".  The silence after that statement was deafening. We actually calmed down and talked about having the kids go over to his home every other weekend.  I even asked if he needed time to himself during the week so that I could make arrangements to have the baby sitter take the children more days.  To my surprise he said no, I'm ok. 

My head stopped spinning, my heart was happier.  Not only was I being heard, but I was being heard because of the love we both share for our children.  I would say it was a great moment for us.  Co-parenting is not an easy thing.  People get hurt, children get hurt, but when it works for the best my heart sings.

Have you ever gone through a difficult time co-parenting?  How did things ultimately work out?

Career Girl Interrupted

Ever since I was a child my mind has been wrapped up in making it as a successful business/career woman.   I was about 8 or 9 years old when I saw this commercial:

She seemed so with it, together.  I wanted to be that woman with a business suit to say "I brought home the bacon".  While all of my friends were playing with dolls, pretending to be mommy's, I pretended to be the daycare center owner or the school principal where all the dolls would be.  While my friends were playing tea party, I played the owner of the restaurant where they were having tea.  My parents had taken me to a warehouse store (Think Costco)  and asked if I wanted anything.  I wanted a huge box of Cracker Jacks.  Instead of a delicious snack, I though of selling the boxes to my friends and making a profit out of it.  This was successful and I had a neighborhood candy store out of my garage.  I started with candy and progressed to soda's to the neighborhood adults.  I got my first job at 13 working for the parks and recreation program in the city through a special program.  I also was able to house sit for the neighbors that went on vacation and babysit to make some extra cash. 

I never saw my life without some kind of goal being met towards a career.  I went to school became a preschool teacher and then life happened.  I met Prince Charming.  I wanted babies with him and my career goal took a slight back seat to Life.  When babies were not in our future and a divorce was more than likely I put my head back into being a career woman.  I was 30 by this time.  I changed careers, and had to start from the bottom again.  The struggles where all worth it, I went back to school and worked in various businesses.  Graduating with my Bachelors degree in Business was the best thing ever, I was looking forward to working towards my MBA.  There I was 35 and full of hopes to move forward with my career and with my new job. I still rememeber my interview they asked me "Where to you see yourself in 5 years?"  my answer "In a management position, such as yours" .  I was THAT ambitious.

Flash forward to just a year after graduation.  I find myself pregnant, this was not in my career plan or my life plan.  I struggled with concentrating on work let alone on the whole I am going to be a mom.  I had wanted to be a mother for so long and then the moment I gave up and was going to dedicate myself to my career.  After all this was the dream I had since I was a child.  I felt really emotional about the choices I was going to have to make.  During that time I was the only one that would have a child in the office.  I felt hard to relate to my co-workers and all I wanted to do was sit and cry.  Once Thing One was born, I just yearned to be home.  Financially Big Cheese and I knew I had to go back to work.  It pulled at every inch of my heart to leave Thing One everyday.  Every morning I cried in my car before getting into work.  I often felt alienated because no one really was going through the same things I was going through.  Not to much later I was pregnant again with Thing Two.  I struggled again with going to work.  This time I was the not the only one in the office with children, so I started to feel more of a camaraderie between my co-workers. 

So here I sit almost 5 years from the point of when I got hired and I told the interviewer I wanted a management spot.  Somehow life has side tracked me again.  Sure, this could probably be a really sad realization to some, but something happened just the other day. My yearly review was a real success and I was asked if I would like to make the next step in my career.  My answer surprised me.  Without hesitation I said "Let me think about that, I have to consider my life/work balance".  I thought of the extra stress , what I would be bring home with me and into my children's lives. Imagine that?!?!  This whole time while I thought was wishing for a career, I really just wanted to be a successful mom. I am ok with that.

The things we do for our kids...

Doesn't that look delicious?  Is this going to be about why I sacrifice being broke by getting Thing One his favorite that not so nutritious hotcakes and sausage from Mc D's?  EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WRONG!

This has everything to do about my tata's being pressed into one of these things and holding my breath, not because the technician asked me to, but because I was in pain and it literally took my breath away. I just turned the big 4-0 and I realized I hadn't had a "check-up" since the essure procedure two years ago after Thing Two.  I think it was safe to say that I needed to see my OB/GYN.

Right about the time I was 8 months pregnant with Thing Two, Mami had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was stage one breast cancer very survivable, but scary to say the least. We are lucky it was caught because Mami is vigilant when it comes to her appointments and health.  She opted for complete removal of the breast because a lumpectomy would not guarantee she would not have another tumor and it would mean weeks of radiation.  I know why she opted for that drastic move.  She looked at me with a big swollen belly due at any moment, dealing with a 15 month old baby and going through a recent separation from Big Cheese. I know she sacrificed her tata for peace of mind for me.  I know that's why she did it.  She says it was because she didn't want to go through the uncertainty of it all, but the first thing she said was that she didn't want me to worry. Mom's sacrifice so much for their children.

I helped Mami get through the surgery and the weeks of draining the wound and the fitting of her prosthetic.  I was drained emotionally and physically.  I thought of nothing but her and my two children.  What would I do without my Mami?  Would my children remember her if the cancer took her life? It was a long journey and 4 months after all this we were able to breathe a sigh of relief.  The cancer had been successfully taken and since then we have not had any re occurrence of it. Mother's sacrifice so much for their children.

So yesterday after taking Thing Two to her 2 year old check up I went for a mammogram.  As any mother would attest, the sacrifice of having to go through what we have to is worth any pain.  I want to be around to see my babies go to school the first time, to have the first boyfriend or girlfriend, to dry their tears after their heart is broken, to cry at their wedding, and to hold their children. So me being uncomfortable for a few minutes in order to make sure the same cancer that struck Mami has not somehow been passed to me, was worth it.  I know what it's like to not be able to share triumphs and heart break with a loving parent because of a disease.  I do not wish that heart ache on them. 

I will take care of myself, for them.  I will go out and exercise and take care of myself both physically and mentally, for them.  It's not that I no longer matter, it's that I matter to someone who needs me.

What have you sacrificed in the name of your children?

The Chupy (Pacifier) Chronicles

AHEM..*Stands in front of podium and adjusts microphone*

"Hi my name is Dooritos, I am a mommy who has let her child have a Chupy (Pacifier) until the age of 2"

Yes, I feel like I need to be in an 12 step program when taking away my last babies special Chupy.  Why does it feel like I have to let her go from being my baby girl?! UGH! 

• First step:  Admit I'm powerless over the fact that my 2 year old needs a chupy and that every minute of the day has been overwhelmed with demands of this "Chupy".  When did losing a chupy put me in panic mode??!!!
• Second step:  Making the decision to finally get rid of the Chupy and letting my 2 year old get a hold of herself and comforting herself without the help of said "chupy".

Day one of operation "NO CHUPY" Step One was realized on her second birthday.  When I thought, she's a grown little girl, she talks, makes demands, and really is no longer a helpless baby.  OH MY...she still has a chupy!!!!  Ok time for intervention....TOMORROW.  :)

Why hide this beautiful smile behind a Chupy?!



Her last time with her beloved Chupy. (or so I thought)

Day two of operation "NO Chupy" went something like this:

Me: "Good Morning Thing Two! How are you?" 

Thing Two: "I want Chupy"

Me: "No you're two now.  You are a big girl and big girls don't use a Chupy"

Thing Two: " I NOT TWO! I NOT BIG GIRL!"

Me: *Blank stare* SIGH

I ignored her request and we went on to Gymboree and our normal routine, without much fuss.  Then we drove home and Thing Two fell asleep in the car.  As I was moving her from the car to her bed she woke up demanding said Chupy.  Again I said no.  This is what occurred right after:

*SIGH*  She finally calmed down and I was more exhausted from the whole ordeal than maybe she was.  It could have also have been that I had been feeling sick and the birthday party the evening before had just wasted me away to an absolute stupor.  Grandpa Big Cheese offered to take the kids over night, and I gladly handed them over.  This is the part when we fall off the wagon.  I handed Grandpa Big Cheese the much acclaimed Chupy.  I wasn't going to have him go through what I went through.  "Just give it to her tonight, I will deal with this tomorrow"  The Chupy won that time.  I felt defeated and tired.  Tomorrow would be another day.

Day three of operation "NO Chupy" went a little better. We had already limited the Chupy use months ago to just nap and just bed time.  She occasionally found one and stuck it in her mouth during these months.  All day, no Chupy requests, thank goodness!  Then came bedtime.  Thing Two requested over and over her beloved Chupy.  Finally at about 11:00 pm she fell asleep Chupy-less.  RELIEF!  Then at about three in the morning I got a visitor in my bedroom.  All I heard was a small whisper "Mommy Chuppy".  Again explained she was a big girl and put her back to bed.  An hour later she found her way back to my room "Mommy Chupy.  I sleep you?" I needed sleep, so in she went to my bed while I slept for another 30 minutes just to be awakened by my lovely alarm clock.  I think this was the point when I met the step of making a decision to let God take over. GOD, please let me get through this!!!

Day four of operation "No Chupy" was splendid.  No chupy requests, no fighting her sleep, just sleep at a decent hour.  This was a great day!

Day five of operation "No Chupy", what happened to day four!!!!  Well Thing Two stayed up until 11 pm requesting, pleading, begging for her Chupy.  I almost gave in, but I remembered the day before and the success of that day.  She fell asleep and I got no visitor that night. 

Day six, my goodness I'm exhausted!  She's exhausted too, I can see it across her face.  That night not much screaming or pleading, just a simple question, "Chupy mommy?"   Again the big girl conversation was told to Thing Two.  This time after I finished I got a sigh and an "OKAY".  Wow, that was something I didn't expect. I think she reached the acceptance step.  Then I got a visit at two in the morning, "Mommy I sleep you?".  SIGH, from me this time.  OKAY.

Today is day seven, a week from the time we both have been going through this operation "No Chupy".  It a long road but I think we both have gone through most of the process.  Eventually we will get to the point where a Chupy is no longer mentioned, like that one family member that is never spoken about at family parties.  Today, we will have ice-cream and I will remind her what a big girl she is and how proud I am of her.

I'm still exhausted, I'm still going through growing pains, but it needs to be done.  She will be ok, but it's still hard.  I'm going to hate potty training her.

What challenges have you had with your children?  Have you felt like you have been put through it with them? 

Here is a story for you to retell... I have a heart that bleeds

I have spilled my feelings of rage, anger, sadness, happiness and loneliness all over pages and pages of blogs, journals, and posts on my facebook page, just to have them come back to me as a dagger. My own words twisted and retorted as vicious gossip that is told to Big Cheese.  Big Cheese is not the type to figure out that some people don't have your best interest at heart.  They use these words to spin drama, to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  They do this to stir feelings of chaos for their own enjoyment. 

Now, I'm sure that maybe some of the things that get reported back to Big Cheese of the things are innocently mentioned.  I am not a complete idiot about things like this happening.  I am after all a fairly reasonably person.  Big Cheese is known for making me feel like everything is my fault, that I decided to have a split family.  Despite my many attempts at reconnecting my whole fantasy of a traditional family, despite the numerous times I have set aside my pride, the very fiber of who I am to do this.  So don't think I know that this may be the case.  Do me a favor, when you retell the story show the whole scenario.

Have I felt lonely and sad, yes, yes I have.  I want a big shoulder to cry on to tell me that I am doing ok as a mom, as a woman as a freakin' human being. I want to have a friend in the person I am with.  Big Cheese, I know tries, but there is a huge disconnect in our relationship.  He has been holding on to things that happened when we were dating.  Things that I am not proud of doing. I have apologized, I have tried to move to the present.  I have even disregarded his mistakes during my pregnancy.  He can't let go, he is still angry.  It may not be outwardly apparent, but he lets it all out when we argue.  I can't keep living in the past, my children deserve two happy parents to raise them. 

Like I said I take responsibility for my part in the failure of this relationship, I'm no angel.  I have however vowed to be true to my children.  I have not introduced to anyone I may start dating, because simply put there is no one.  I respect myself to know that this is not a good time for me to even consider that.  Do I desire that attention? Sure, who wouldn't.   I am first and foremost a mother of two young children who deserve my attention right now.  Maybe down the road I can revisit that place as the woman I want to be.  I want to be "that" person for someone and they can be that for me, for now I am ok with just me and the kids. Big Cheese can't meet me half way and talk to me like an adult.  He resorts to insults and raising of his voice.  I will not let him bring me down and make me feel like this is all of my fault. Just because I told him to leave, does not give him the right to blame me for all of it and not take responsibility for his part.

I leave my future in this and any other relationship in God's hands.  I can't do anything else.  I often feel defeated in that department.  Still I pick myself up and dust off and move forward.  Why?  Well here is the simple answer:

So if you want to retell false truths remember this, your words and gossip affects more than just me.  It's like throwing a pebble into a pond, the ripples get bigger and you hurt more than one person with greater intensity.  If that makes you sleep better at night, so be it.  Just do me a favor, sign up to my RSS feed so you can get all the information correct and show him what you read instead of interpretting it on your own. 

Thanks a lot! May you find peace of heart.
 

Who is that chica?

As I drove the speed limit going by a school zone while glaring at a man who obviously wasn’t going the limit, I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror. Who is THAT?! What had the last three years done to me? Who is this crazy glared woman driving the speed limit?


Let me explain to you where I was just 5 years ago to get a better understanding of why I thought this very thought. I was 34(I’m praying at this moment you are bad at math), dating, dancing until 3 am, randomly taking a vacation with no destination. I was the girl you would call up because you wanted an incredible night out on the town filled with friends, laughter, and fun, fun, fun! I was carefree, wore my hair down. I definitely did not pay attention to speed limits. I had already bungee jumped, gone to Vegas with just a toothbrush and clean underwear (I was wild, not dirty). By this time I had stopped pining over the whole notion of children and a family in my future. I was a little sad but I was accepting it. This girl had hip clothes, new purses, the latest shoe trend. I would hit the gym at least 3 to 4 times a week and watch what went into my mouth. I had a standing hair, nail, pedicure, and threading appointment and never failed to make it, unless of course the night before had been treacherous and I just couldn’t peel myself off my bed by noon.



Me circa 2005 or so.


Fast forward today. I have a guy in my life, he’s three and honorary. When the heck did he start telling ME what to do? Worst of all, when did I start listening to him???!!!! I never thought that would happen! Did I mention I haven’t had a pedicure in about a month (it may be longer, I don’t remember). Thank goodness its winter and I can hide my feet. Once I see caterpillars on the top of my eyes, I know it’s time to get threaded. Oh and since when did I start wearing shoes that where more functional than stylish and painful?! Late nights for me are 10 pm on weekends, 9:30 pm on weekdays. I drive the speed limit and yell at people who don’t. I can barely splatter on any kind of make-up before someone needs to use a bathroom or left a special gift in their diaper. I still don’t pine for children, but that because I have them and totally think I would be missing something if they were not here.

Me and Thing Two at a Fresh Beat Band Event. 2010

So I may not be that cool, funny, hip young looking chica I was 5 years ago, but I am definitely a great mom, practical, loving, and occasionally I see glimpses of that funny woman I am. My kids have added much more (AHEM) character to me, and we will leave it at that.