The Original Super Single Mom

Life lately has been tough.  Something I did not think I would be doing is raising children on my own.  While there father is a participant in their lives, it really is not like I can say I have a partner in raising these children.  I find myself giving 99.999999% of what should really be a shared experience. I have wrestled a very long time with this fact.  I attribute this to my own childhood.  Sarge was always a very active participant father and most loving partner in my childhood.  I was truly blessed to have two parents in the early part of my life. Lately my lovely insomnia has hit me at 3 AM.  Somewhere in my mind something was stirring, maybe the fact that some days I feel stretched over two times over, worried about Kindergarten progress, summer vacation plans, how to effectively get help for getting the kids around.  I have felt pretty alone and overwhelmed lately.  Then it hit me the other day.  I am not the only one this has happened to.

October 9, 1983 Mami became a single mother and a widow.  I remember sitting next to her holding my hand just outside the IC unit that my father was in when a nurse came out to call someone else in the hallway.  This moment is burned in my memory only because the nurse had blood, my fathers blood all on the front of her crisp white scrubs.  Mami pulled me in close and tried to shield my fragile 12 year old eyes from seeing what I was seeing.  In her arms I shook with fear.  We both held each other for what seemed like a very long time until the doctor came out and said my father was gone.  Our world as we knew it was gone. 

I still remember listening to Mami cry night after night after he was gone.  Somehow in the mornings all that was gone and she got breakfast on the table and me out the door to school.  While I was at school she managed to arrange for a funeral, my care after school, and make other arrangements for our future. Mami became my advocate when people insisted that I wear black to the funeral when she knew all I wanted to do was wear my dad's favorite dress for me.  She didn't know I heard that argument she had, but I did.  I became less alone at that moment.  Mami would always have my best interest at heart.  She knew I was grieving the loss of my best friend.  She made sure the school knew I was going through issues and that I would not be the same child. 

Mami found a way to babysit children at home and get me what I needed.  I needed for someone to home to after school, security.  I always had clean clothes, a roof over my head, vacations, someone to show up at my school events. The most amazing thing to me was that she didn't drive a single day in her life and still doesnt' to this day.  The first vacation we took after my dad was to Florida, on a bus. Yes, a bus from California to Florida.  Years later I wondered, how? How did she come up with the money, how did she make the arrangements, how did she know we were going to be safe on the trip?

I looked back on that recently and knew, just knew that it was the same love I feel for my own children.  For many times that I feel defeated and alone, I remember Mami.  She did this alone, with no family nearby to support her.  Just her will to give me everything I needed and things that I wanted.  The love a mother knows no boundaries.  It does not know about her own grief, but knows about her child's grief.  I am the super single mom today thanks in part to all those experiences that Mami gave me and made it seem effortless.  Her grief, her loneliness, her struggles, all set aside.  So when people question how I do it all for my the Things I just hold my head high and say "I'm Super Mom Jr.". 

On this day I honor you Mami,  you survived my teenage years alone, I too shall make it through.


Happy Mother's day all!

That moment...

Today's blog is inspired by the Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:

Happy almost Mother’s Day! Share a parenting moment where you really began to realize what this mothering thing is all about.

Everyone has a different story about how the KNEW they were a mother.  A true sense of the word.  People define it in many terms and with different degrees of emotion.  I have a slew of moments this occurred.  Like the time the nurse told me I was swaddling Thing One wrong.  What a a few of us experience though is much different than our counterparts that are married.  It is called the "Single Mom" moment. 

 Big Cheese and I had been apart since Thing Two was 4 weeks old.  There I was, trying to breast feed a newborn and ripping her off my breast to go rescue Thing One from falling off a couch he had climbed.  I cried on the floor  along with my babies that morning.  Not just from the burning pain in my breast, but because I was alone with two very young children.  It felt surreal, because my plan never included being alone.  Yet there I was crying along with both of my babies wondering if I would ever get through this moment.  I vowed never to be alone with them.  Mami was always there to help out with Thing One.  She kept him entertained while I breast fed, or focused attention on my very newborn Thing Two. When venturing out I always had a friend, a family member, or Mami to help when Thing One would wander off aimlessly as I tried to put Thing Two in her car seat.   

August 2009, was when Thing One turned two.  He had been watching Nick Jr. and a song about the beach came on.  He was hyper focused and would talk incessantly about the beach and how he wanted to go. A mother will do anything for her children who was I to say no. On his birthday I planned to take him to a local beach that was kid friendly called "mother's beach".  It is more of a bay than anything, but they have life guards, and plenty of play things for small children.  I asked Mami to go with me, but she has never been a lover of walking in sand and her mobility was a concern to her.  It was a weekday, which meant all of my friends were working.  Only one thing to do at that point, go with the children by myself.

I packed up the car, planned every minute of that day.  How do I keep them safe?  What if something happens, what is my plan of action?  Self talk that came up a lot: "Breathe, you can do this, it is what Thing One has been looking forward to". 

There were moments in the day when I thought I was going to lose it. Like when Thing Two toppled over in the sand while sitting and got it in her face. In the mad rush to wash her off, Thing One decided to throw a tantrum and not want to go to the water. I must have looked like a mad woman dragging a screaming toddler and carrying a crying baby. Then there was the moment that while in the water Thing One slipped under the shallow water and I couldn’t get his little hand fast enough to pull him up. The look on his face was of fear and relief at the same time. I recognized that look on him because that is how I  had felt most days since Big Cheese had been gone.

Woo Hoo! Let's hear it for tantrums!:

At the end of the day I had a happy Thing One and we all survived our first outing with just the three of us. When I sat down and thought of it all I realized I could do this single mom thing.  Is it hard? By all means YES!  Could I do this alone? YES!

When your a mother, there is no time to fear or to doubt.  Sometimes you just have to face those fears that lay inside your mind and do what your heart is telling you to do for those you love the most.  It means sacrificing and growing.  That day I knew that despite my support system, I could raise these children and that all would be ok, even if it didn't seem like it at that moment. 

I am glad I went through that moment to become a better mother, and to tackle my fears. Since then The Things and I have gone on to many adventures together, just the three of us. No more crying on the floor.

The joy that will forever be burned in my head that day:

Happy Mothers day to all my fearless moms.

What was your "mom" moment?

Inspiring me to write my life story:

I have that type of fever *SIGH*

I am starting to miss it.  I cannot believe I am say this.  I miss having a baby!

Thing One at 6 Months old

Thing Two at 6 months old

Thing One has been a full fledged preschooler for some time now.  I have to say, that I was so busy getting ready for Thing Two’s arrival that I barely had enough time to enjoy Thing One being a baby and toddler.  Not to mention Mami’s cancer and the break-up of my relationship to their dad. 

Then there was Thing Two.  I enjoyed her thoroughly as a baby.  She slept with me often.  I know your not suppose to, but she was the type of baby that screamed until she was cuddled.  I was super careful!  She stayed in a crib longer than Thing Two. She held on to her pacifier longer. She took longer to sleep through the night. She took longer to take the first steps.  She also managed to take an extremely longer time to potty train.  She has officially become a young child versus a baby.  It made me wonder if I could have possibly wished that she take a little longer to keep her as my baby.  I knew when I had her at the ripe old age of 38 that she would be my last child.  That and the fact that when she was born Big Cheese and I were on already split up.  I just didn’t realize she would be my last “baby”.

You  know baby, as in sweet smelling head, babbling, drooling, snuggling in the little nook of your neck baby.   The same baby that you rock in a glider for hours and lose track of time and are ever so grateful that you did.    The one baby that has a million milestones hit the first year of life.  First smile, rolling over, standing, walking, words, etcetera. 

So here I sit and I think of it and realize I won’t have a baby of my own to watch over and guide.  It’s a whole different set of goals now.  I started to feel a twinge of it when I finally potty trained Thing Two.  Diaper free at last!  Wait… OH MY! No more babies. Sad face, tear.  No more babies!  Oh sure I will have plenty of other babies to hold and play with later by family members, but it’s not the same.  Nothing quite compares to the endless hours of agony, joy, and fear that you feel when you are holding your baby for the first time.  

Thing Two will officially reach age 3 in a few days. *GULP*  *SIGH*  My babies are gone and the two preschool aged children have moved into my house.  Sure, they still depend on me for a lot of things, but they have become independent children, with thoughts and words, an quirky expressions of their own. Still, I feel a twinge when I think…no more, not mine. 

Baby fever sucks.  I know I am ready for the next phase, but still there is that little bit of me that holds on and would like to be up at odd hours of the night, just baby and me. 

Wait…let me look back on my blog… Sleep deprivation, mind blowing screaming, being told I’m doing it wrong…NEVERMIND!  I’m good.  I like to sleep, I like someone to talk to, argue with.  I like the fact that my diaper big is now almost non-existent.  I am sure I will go through this one more time, but it’s normal right?

Please tell me it’s normal! J 

Have you experienced baby fever lately?

Santa Baby...

It’s that time again.  Christmas is upon us and I have my annual wish list for Santa.

Dear Santa ,

Thanks for the gifts last year.  The tantrums have been down since about 6 months ago.  I know that one took a little longer to get to me, but it’s one that meant the most.  Mom is still cancer free, so thank you, thank you, thank you.  Big Cheese has finally been able to give me some “child free” days, to which I am grateful.  Even if it is just to catch up on laundry, have full control of the remote, and sleep.   Thank you for getting me that larger car. I can now take the kids places without being cramped up and worrying about breaking down in the middle of nowhere with them in tow.

So this year my list is a little bit smaller, because I am after all satisfied for the most part on how this year has turned out.

1.       A Mami helper:  Mami is getting older; she needs someone to stay close to her more often than she thinks she needs to.  I wish I could do more, but with two children and a full time job that is at a distance my time is stretched.

2.       Laundry helper:  Maybe we can combine this one with the one above.  As soon as I’m done doing all the laundry I have to start all over with this.  I just need it folded and put away which seems to be my weakness when children need to be fed or broken up from fighting with each other,  Mami needs to be shuffled off  somewhere, and just errands that need to be run. 

3.       Wine:  I need it after all of the activities listed above.

4.       A Guy A MAN :  No not a boyfriend, because Lord knows we tried that route earlier this year and that was a failure of EPIC proportions.  Just someone who checks in occasionally on all those mechanical things that I can’t figure out as much as I try to Google, or youtube. I’m a single girl idiot in that department.  Yes, even “I” am not superwoman!

5.       Good Slumber on weekends and kid free days:  I have no idea why, dang internal clock is set. I’m up earlier than roosters. It’s not fair!  I WANT to sleep, but it eludes me.  I don’t care if raccoon eyes are making a come back!  They don’t flatter me.

6.       More financial resources:  I have a job, thank goodness!  It is not that I want more money for myself, it is to do those occasional good deeds.  Pay for someone’s layaway, pay for someone’s groceries that is struggling to make ends meet.  I want to be able to spread that cheer year around.

7.       Continued health:  I know I struggle with my weight.  I need to get on the ball with this so that I can be around for the kids, the grand kids and the great grand kids.  I am healthy now, but it can get better. 

8.       Creativity:  I seem to have lost that this last year.  I wrote quite often, I crafted with the kids more before.  Can you help me find it this year? I miss it.

9.     For continued patience:  Especially with Thing One and Thing Two.  They drive me crazy some days and I just want to lock myself up in the bathroom with the bottle of wine and my fantastic new acrylic cup (Thanks D-law) that I have affectionately named Herman.

10.   This one is important:  BARBIE HEAD.  Year 33 and still no Barbie head.  I will continue to ask every  year.  I have been good, what is up with this???!!!  Surely there has to have been some mix up at your fabulous toy shop. (crosses fingers, does a prayer, I hope I don’t get coal for this comment)

Love you  lots!

Dooritos

Mami of Thing One and Thing Two

P.S.  The kids have been good this year, please make sure to read their letter.  I certify that they have been good. J

The little girl that made October shine in bright Pink.

The end of September 2008 was one of the most difficult moments in my life.  I was 7 almost 8 months pregnant.  In one giant swoop I found out that the father of my children was exploring other relationships and that Mami had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  My body shook from shock, anger, and fear all at once.  I may have thrown up physically and emotionally several times during the weeks that followed. 

In order to wrap my head around all that I needed to organize in my life I took time off from work.  Mami had gone to see the oncologist the same day that she found out that the small lump detected in her annual mammogram was malignant. Sitting with my mom the tears rolled down my eyes, what was happening?  I just lost faith in the man that was suppose to be there for the rest of my life, and now there was the threat of not having my mom there. Mami sensed the fear immediately and was told she had two options for her cancer.  One, a lumpectomy followed by months of radiation.  Two, removal of the effected breast and lymph nodes with no radiation involved.  She opted for the removal.

It was a long road but three years later I sit here and contemplate all that has gone on since.  Mami and I had a heart to heart this past Sunday.  It was the anniversary of Sarge's death. Curious, I asked why she opted for the breast removal. She pointed over to Thing Two who was sitting there playing tea party.  Mami said she wanted to live long enough to see her granddaughter being born.  While I am a great believer in medicine and all it's miracles the motivation to get better for a little girl was more than medicine can explain. 

Thing Two lights up a room just with her big brown eyes and mischievous smile.  She loves with her whole heart and she is the keeper of this little family.  She is our little miracle.  One of the reasons she is important to me, she saved my Mami. 

Her name sake is Liliana Renee means "Gracious Lily Reborn".  Mami's middle name: Lilian.  Thing Two definitely made her reborn. 

This blog is a reminder that it's breast cancer awareness month.  Please remind all the women in your life that they are important in your life and to remember that early detection is key to survival. 

• Do a monthly breast exam
• Get a Mammogram after the age of 40
• Know your family history of cancer
• Become educated of what advancements in Breast cancer
• Be vigilant of changes in your breast and in your general health

Thanks my baby girl....October is much brighter pink with you and Mami in my life. I will definitely be aware of all of the above for you and your brother. 

 

Wordless Wednesday - No lipstick, no powder, just these...



Single mom: "NOT FEELING GUILTY"

It has been almost two months that I have had every other weekend off of my mommy duties.  Big Cheese has been really good about taking the Things and we have had a better understanding of each others responsibilities.  I have read a lot of blogs of single parents who truly feel guilt as well as sadness when their children go with the other parent's home.  I often think there must be something wrong with me, because I truly don't feel that way.  I have friends who are single parents as well tell me I would be sad and that I would miss them. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  The first weekend I had without the children I did things I hadn't done in a while:

• I cleaned out rooms, sorted clothes (mine and the children's) without interruptions
• I had coffee and conversation with friends, without yelling at children to stop what they were doing.
• I exercised, and not by running after toddlers or with the help of Gymboree. 
• I sat on the couch and vegged in front of the TV staring aimlessly at shows minus animated characters and singing involved.
• I ate a hot meal that had just been served, no reheating involved.
• I stayed in my PJ's until 3 by choice, not because there was no time for a shower or ability to change.
• I showered in warm water for close to 30 minutes with no one banging at the door to get in.

Sure there was times in the day when I thought about what the Things were doing, but it had been so long since the last time I actually got to do all of the things above that I relished in it. I also figure that since they were with Big Cheese and had the opportunity to build a stronger bond with him, it was a very good thing for my babies.  I have to say I think I finally found an upside to this single/co-parenting situation.  I get some ME time to help me get in gear to be a better parent for Thing One and Thing Two.

What is your way of getting ME time?  Do you feel guilty or refreshed?

Flashback Friday - My overachieving son

 What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends

June 16, 2007 - I was two months from my due date and my pregnancy with Thing One was getting into the third trimester and there was so much to think and worry and be excited for.  Here is what I wrote that day.  

You could see his cheeks even then.



It's 6:00 AM on a Saturday morning and some may ask, what the hell are you doing up? It's no secret that I love quiet mornings and watching the sun rise on occasion, but today is different. This is what I call my thinking time, translation worry time.

For the most part my pregnancy thus far has been pretty uneventful, except for that scare early in the pregnancy when the doctor put me on bed rest. Yesterday I went to see the specialist that has been seeing me once a month to see if the baby is ok, and if my thyroid condition is not interfering with his development. He said, and I quote "this baby is big!" which I sat there and said "duh, have you seen dad? He's a big guy and my dad was a big man". Well then he said Marcus should only be at a certain range and he is actually in the 90 percentile which means one of two things, c-section or early delivery. WHAT!

So set in motion is worrying and sleepless nights that are to come for me until I know he is ok. The doctor kept reassuring me he was ok, and just put me on a monitor to make sure I wasn't having contractions. Guess what? I was, so on medication I go and thoughts just swirl in my head. I'm trying to keep good thoughts about this boy, and that yes, he is like his mother an over achiever. I'm just glad the doctor didn't put me on bed rest, because I simply go bezerk when I have to just lay there and keep thinking and worrying.

But my little guy, you need to bake a little longer so that mommy can stop worrying about you in the womb and start a whole new other sets of worries, like why did you sniffle? Or are you doing ok in school? or Did that girl break your heart? I just pray that he will be ok and that I can do that.

Man, this little boy is exhausting me already! I love him so much. Maybe I should get back to bed and let him rest with me for now.

Ok friends, just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks!

Baking a baby during happier times.

The shoe is on the other foot.

Just another Saturday night being silly.

In my past life before my beautiful children, before my nice existence in the Human Resource world, I was a preschool teacher.  During those times I saw many children and their parents through some rough times as well as some great times.  The rough times were always when I had observed something that was troublesome, something that was a marker for development that wasn't being met.  I would jot down what I observed watched like a scientist.  I would compare to the markers of development and how that was fitting into the dynamic of the group and of the development of the children as a whole.  Delivering news to parents that there was a concern was always done in a respectful and very thorough way.  These were small children, and I was with them most of the day.  I saw things that maybe their parents did not see, or did not want to see. I had one parent many years ago tell me that what I saw was nothing, that I didn't know what I was talking about. Years later I heard that this young child did not get the help he needed then and that the child, now a teenager was being reffered to special needs classes.  I just thought of all the years that could have been easier for this child, had this parent not taken what I was saying as an insult on their parenting. 

I have always known that if the shoe is on the other foot, your opinion can change, especially if it is your own child.  This actually took place at Thing One's yearly doctor's appointment when he was two.  I had always observed that Thing One was always moving, fidgety and increasingly impatient. I figured it was a part of being a toddler. Even as an infant he couldn't be held more than a few minutes without wiggling and moving going on.  While waiting for the doctor Thing One was wide awake from a nap and full of his normal energy.  He was playing tag with the doors, fidgeting through the clothes I was taking off of him and I was exhausted.  All this at noon, exhausting.  First time mom I just thought he's just energetic.  When the doctor came in she observed what I had been use to seeing on a daily with Thing One.  She asked me if I had any question ran through his chart and did the normal check ears etcetera.  Then she said it after watching me get him two or three times to get him to sit and to focus a little.  "We have parenting classes for a high energy child if you are interested".  I recognized the tone and the message.  I asked "What do you mean? Do you think it's ADHD?".  It clicked, I saw it too.  His energy level his loss of focus, or was he just being two?  PANIC.  I think I started to breathe harder and I probably even was pale in the face with this news.  The doctor just said "He is at the high end of energy, I have observed so far.  I have a son just like this.  We won't test him until he is older, if this continues".  I felt like I had been hit by a million brick and I was ready for my knees to buckle.  I was the parent this time.

What I did I do you ask?  Well I didn't ignore what the doctor had said.  I read a lot, I observe when Thing One is in a group of children.  These are all things I was taught to do.  I don't want to ignore the signs, I don't want Thing One to be a teenager and be struggling when I could have taken note and helped along the way.  I do realize that all the things I can do from now until the test may not make a huge difference, but it's being proactive and not letting things for him slip away.  I may not like the prognosis, but there are things I can do and try to be prepared for him to thrive.   There is a lot of guilt that goes on sometimes and I often see my behaviors and wonder if he is this way because of how I am or what I did during my pregnancy.  Then I realize this is not conducive to helping him. 

This is a clip from the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin.  Never had this made more sense to me as it does now.

In the end, it doesn't matter if he has ADHD to me, it matters that I did something to try and help him along the way and that this is livable and we will make it through no matter what.

The Evolution of a Diaper Bag

I was cleaning out the closets and getting ready to get rid of things when I ran into a few diaper bags I have used in the past with my babies.  Each one of the bags has a story of where I was in my many mommy stages.  

The BackPack

My first ever diaper bag was a sling backpack diaper bag.  We chose this one because, well there was a "WE".  I wasn't going to be the only one lugging around a baby and really how cool does a guy look with a Winnie the Pooh diaper bag? 

 

The Free Hospital Small Diaper Bag

This is the smaller tote bag that I hauled around after Thing One was about 10 months old.  It was the free bag the hospital had given me and it was convenient.  I was having to bring less items with me when I took him places.  A sippy cup, diapers, wipes, and a place for my wallet and cell phone. It was super convenient as well because I needed a lightweight bag since I was carrying Thing Two in my belly at the time.

 

The Suitcase "THE BEAST" 

This lovely HUGE suitcase of a diaper bag was what was required when I was in the thick of two babies that were 17 months apart.  It carried bottles, sippy cups, bibs, change of clothes, pull -ups, snacks, diapers, a huge refill of baby wipes, plastic bags, baby food.  I probably could have packed a few receiving blankets in that thing too.  This was also the time I found myself alone and having to bring both babies with me anywhere and everywhere. 

The Free Hospital Tote Bag Part DEUX

This is the tote bag that was on a smaller scale than the BEAST I was carrying when I had two babies in tow.  I started using this one when Thing Two was about 9 months old and Thing One was completely potty trained.  I still had to lug some bottles and snacks and diapers around, but it wasn't the overwhelming monster I had to pack previously.

 

The "Let's Go Somewhere FUN" Backpack

This is what I currently use to go to places like the County Fair, the Zoo, Book Fairs, the park for a day, or anything that requires a whole day out with two toddlers.  I like the broad straps that make it comfortable to wear on my shoulders.  It also leaves my hands free to catch a toddler who just happens to run the opposite way of our intended destination.  It also has my favorite college's logo on it.  I aspire to have one or both of the Things to go someday. 

The "Throw it in" Tote Bag

This was given to me recently for Christmas. I love that I can personalize it with pictures that mean a lot to me and Things One and Two.  I love that I can now just throw in two sippy cups, one change of clothes, a few diapers, and a small wipe box.  It's light and the kids love to hold it for me and look at the memories we've created along the way.

*SIGH*

This screams more "HOT MAMA" and less "HOT TODDLER MESS MOMMA" .  Someday I keep telling myself.  I'm sure once I get this purse I'm going to miss those big diaper bag days (or not).  

You're doing it wrong!

Hey Mom, what is this thing the nurse put me in???!!

The title of this is exactly what I heard the nurse say to me as I swaddled Thing One and she looked on. You would think that as a new mom I would have been more compliant and done things as the nurse was saying to do. The thing is that I had swaddled many babies by this point, just not my very own. The nurse kept saying "no tuck his hands in". Again she had no clue what I was doing. For the brief couple of hours I had been with my son I noticed he was comforting himself by grasping his hands in front of his face and sucking the top of his tiny knuckles. To me it only seemed obvious to swaddle him with his little grasped hands in front of him to keep him calm. I really resented that nurse for telling me I was swaddling my child wrong, when she had no idea who I or my child were.

Ahhhh!!! this is so much better, thank you Mommy!

I have read my share of baby books and debates on everything from circumcision, diapers, bottles, pacifiers, day care, babysitting, treating colds, preventing colds, toddler tantrums, discipline, potty training. I will tell you this, all that reading never prepares you thoroughly for your own children. It is helpful in some situations and you try the methods others have suggested. I am not closed off to other opinions and suggestions, I just know my own children.

I think that is why it bothers me when I hear or read posts in which a mother is being criticized by her methods of parenting. Just because it may be different than your own parenting ways does not make it wrong. I have had my share of debates about certain things that I feel may be dangerous for a child, but a debate is different than straight criticism. 
I have a friend Pretty Eyes who is very protective of her son who is merely a month older than mine. When it comes to parenting I have to say I'm a little more relaxed than she is. Is it wrong? No, by no means. She has ALWAYS been more cautious and wiped everything with antiseptic wipes. When we were child free we walked barefoot on the streets after a long night of dancing. I went home and crashed on the couch, and she scrubbed her feet, rinsed and scrubbed them again at three in the morning. When we were pregnant. She spent most of her time away from people who were sick, rested a lot, and was very vigilant of her diet. I was around tons of people, many who might have been sick, and ate everything in sight! Recently Thing One had a swimming pool birthday party and while my son had trunks on hers had a full body suit with extra sunscreen. I find nothing wrong with her methods. They are different than mine, yes. I have heard many criticize her and other parents like her, say things like "she isn't letting him do things"  blah, blah, blah.

Well what you don't know is Pretty Eyes had a son before this one. He was born premature, he was sick for the first month of his life. He had some health complications and she fought to keep him as healthy as possible. He was doing well until he was about 4 months old. He fell ill and he left us all much too soon.


You never know the reason why parents make choices in how they parent a child. It may be that they know their children's quirks the moment they are born, it may be that this parent's personality is the reason they do things a certain way, or it may be that you want nothing to happen to your child because of the loss you feel. Parents are humans with feelings, so "suggest nicely" and "don't criticize harshly". You may never know what is behind that parents logic if you don't put yourself in their situation with their children.  So parents when you hear someone say you are doing it wrong all you have to say is, that may be true for you but not for my children and I. :)

Love Songs...

Love is all around us in February.  The hearts, the flowers, the expressions of romance.  PHOOEY!  Yes, I am single, as I have been for the last couple of years.  I should be a bahumbug person when it comes to Valentine's Day.  Instead I have taken the high road and have really taken inventory of where my heart has been the last couple of years.  I have been a mom who is dedicated to her two babies.  My love affair with them started the moment I knew that I carried them in my womb.  The following love songs bring a smile to my face as I think of my two loves, Thing One and Thing Two.

Mana - Bendita tu Luz

This song is for my beautiful baby boy.  Just one short month after I had him I went to see this group in concert.  I had heard this song before, but it took on new meaning for me that day.  The tears rolled down my face as I thought of my baby at home and how much he filled my life already.  As the song says in the very beautiful spanish language:  Bless your light, Blessed is the light of your gaze, Bless your gaze, Blessed is the gaze from your soul.

John Mayer - Daughters

I heard this song when I was pregnant with Thing One and thought it was beautiful.  When I was pregnant with Thing Two it took on more meaning.  I related how as a woman we take how we were treated by our parents into many aspects of other relationships.  I was blessed to have a great father, who left much too soon.  I wanted to make sure that Big Cheese would be able to understand his role with our daughter.  Even though he and I have mixed feelings about each other I want to make sure he never fails her. 

Colbie Calliat - Bubbly

Bubbly is just how fun my children's love is.  How I am like a child and their laughter and hugs make me feel new. They place a smile on my face and laughter in my voice.  I hope the three of us can always feel this way about each other in the years to come.  Ok, so maybe the teenage years we may be in denial, but I hope we will get through it and find the fun we have always had together.

 Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance

Even before I had children I really loved this song.  At first it was the hopes I'm sure my parents had for me.  Once my children came to be I absolutely felt every word of hopes and dreams that this song  refers to.  You always hope for more for your children.

The things we do for our kids...

Doesn't that look delicious?  Is this going to be about why I sacrifice being broke by getting Thing One his favorite that not so nutritious hotcakes and sausage from Mc D's?  EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WRONG!

This has everything to do about my tata's being pressed into one of these things and holding my breath, not because the technician asked me to, but because I was in pain and it literally took my breath away. I just turned the big 4-0 and I realized I hadn't had a "check-up" since the essure procedure two years ago after Thing Two.  I think it was safe to say that I needed to see my OB/GYN.

Right about the time I was 8 months pregnant with Thing Two, Mami had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was stage one breast cancer very survivable, but scary to say the least. We are lucky it was caught because Mami is vigilant when it comes to her appointments and health.  She opted for complete removal of the breast because a lumpectomy would not guarantee she would not have another tumor and it would mean weeks of radiation.  I know why she opted for that drastic move.  She looked at me with a big swollen belly due at any moment, dealing with a 15 month old baby and going through a recent separation from Big Cheese. I know she sacrificed her tata for peace of mind for me.  I know that's why she did it.  She says it was because she didn't want to go through the uncertainty of it all, but the first thing she said was that she didn't want me to worry. Mom's sacrifice so much for their children.

I helped Mami get through the surgery and the weeks of draining the wound and the fitting of her prosthetic.  I was drained emotionally and physically.  I thought of nothing but her and my two children.  What would I do without my Mami?  Would my children remember her if the cancer took her life? It was a long journey and 4 months after all this we were able to breathe a sigh of relief.  The cancer had been successfully taken and since then we have not had any re occurrence of it. Mother's sacrifice so much for their children.

So yesterday after taking Thing Two to her 2 year old check up I went for a mammogram.  As any mother would attest, the sacrifice of having to go through what we have to is worth any pain.  I want to be around to see my babies go to school the first time, to have the first boyfriend or girlfriend, to dry their tears after their heart is broken, to cry at their wedding, and to hold their children. So me being uncomfortable for a few minutes in order to make sure the same cancer that struck Mami has not somehow been passed to me, was worth it.  I know what it's like to not be able to share triumphs and heart break with a loving parent because of a disease.  I do not wish that heart ache on them. 

I will take care of myself, for them.  I will go out and exercise and take care of myself both physically and mentally, for them.  It's not that I no longer matter, it's that I matter to someone who needs me.

What have you sacrificed in the name of your children?

Music that make you go... hmmmmmm

The year 1987:  I was 16 years old going to house parties (Yes I KNOW…bad girl!) My hair was pumped up with the Super Hold white can of Aqua Net and I was rockin’ my bobby socks with heels along with the big fat belt wrapped around my long shirt and my too short skirt.  This song was always pumping while I was getting ready to go to the house party:

OH my youth! This reminds me of good times doing bad things. I could have been kidnapped, raped, etc, etc, etc…but I survived unscathed. It is always great to have those memories of the time when you were wild and young. Music always brings me to a fun memory of what I was doing when listening to a particular song.

Fast forward to my life some 20 some odd years later. Here I am single mommy to two beautiful impressionable children. I let them listen to a variety of music, because I love music. I even got a whole bunch of CDs from Rockabye Baby. My kids have been listening to since they were in the womb. I love the concept of popular music set for children. It drives me less crazy than listening to Barney singing “I love you” for the umpteenth millionth time.


So the other night while I was making dinner as usual I turn on Nick Jr. for the kids so that they can stay out of my hair long enough for me to finish. Yo Gabba Gabba was on and as I frequently do, I chimed in listening to what they were watching. What happened was I heard a familiar tune:

I was shocked, completely stupefied! There was nothing wrong with the choice of music or the episode, just one thing. I was brought back to me in that mini skirt at 16 out at a party drinking beer and pretending I was uber cool. Then it hit me, I’m a responsible adult, a parent! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The magic of this song is no longer a happy memory; it is the realization that someday I will have teenagers that will want to do the same wild things I was doing. I think this is the moment Mami was looking forward to when I was a teenager “You will see when you have kids” Thanks Mami.


Anyone have that pivotal moment when you realize you are now on the other end of parenting?

Simple Adventures

 

This giant grin from Thing One, you would think came from an adventure at Disneyland.  Oddly enough this grin was minus any animated character, complicated ride, or a whole paycheck worth of spending.  This my friends is a smile of pure joy from the most simplest activity. 

In this world of over exuberance and flashiness, "you must get the latest toy" it is the simple things that make a small child smile.  This smile was accomplished on a Sunday afternoon that I was minus a car because the darn thing was being worked on.  I needed to get a few small things for Thing Two's upcoming birthday party so I decided we were going on a new "adventure".  Our city has a local bus that can take you anywhere in the city for a total of $.40.  SWEET!  Children are free.  DOUBLE SWEET. 

I packed a back pack with snacks, diapers, wipes, and the bus schedule.  The 99 cent store is accross the street from the city park, and also where we would have to wait for the bus on the way back home.  I didn't expect both kids to be so happy and excited to get on public transportation. I normally am not excited OR happy about getting on public transportation. 

View from the bus.

We took longer to get where we were going and it took us longer to get home.  All Thing One could do would talk about the cars, the street, the people.  Amazing that the simple things we take for granted are big and great and exciting to a child.  We should all see things through the eyes of a child.  Maybe if we did we would encounter less depression and much happiness in the simpleness of life.  I'm glad I can experience these little moments through the eyes of my little ones. 

Next adventure...the subway. Where will your next simple adventure be?

The Chupy (Pacifier) Chronicles

AHEM..*Stands in front of podium and adjusts microphone*

"Hi my name is Dooritos, I am a mommy who has let her child have a Chupy (Pacifier) until the age of 2"

Yes, I feel like I need to be in an 12 step program when taking away my last babies special Chupy.  Why does it feel like I have to let her go from being my baby girl?! UGH! 

• First step:  Admit I'm powerless over the fact that my 2 year old needs a chupy and that every minute of the day has been overwhelmed with demands of this "Chupy".  When did losing a chupy put me in panic mode??!!!
• Second step:  Making the decision to finally get rid of the Chupy and letting my 2 year old get a hold of herself and comforting herself without the help of said "chupy".

Day one of operation "NO CHUPY" Step One was realized on her second birthday.  When I thought, she's a grown little girl, she talks, makes demands, and really is no longer a helpless baby.  OH MY...she still has a chupy!!!!  Ok time for intervention....TOMORROW.  :)

Why hide this beautiful smile behind a Chupy?!



Her last time with her beloved Chupy. (or so I thought)

Day two of operation "NO Chupy" went something like this:

Me: "Good Morning Thing Two! How are you?" 

Thing Two: "I want Chupy"

Me: "No you're two now.  You are a big girl and big girls don't use a Chupy"

Thing Two: " I NOT TWO! I NOT BIG GIRL!"

Me: *Blank stare* SIGH

I ignored her request and we went on to Gymboree and our normal routine, without much fuss.  Then we drove home and Thing Two fell asleep in the car.  As I was moving her from the car to her bed she woke up demanding said Chupy.  Again I said no.  This is what occurred right after:

*SIGH*  She finally calmed down and I was more exhausted from the whole ordeal than maybe she was.  It could have also have been that I had been feeling sick and the birthday party the evening before had just wasted me away to an absolute stupor.  Grandpa Big Cheese offered to take the kids over night, and I gladly handed them over.  This is the part when we fall off the wagon.  I handed Grandpa Big Cheese the much acclaimed Chupy.  I wasn't going to have him go through what I went through.  "Just give it to her tonight, I will deal with this tomorrow"  The Chupy won that time.  I felt defeated and tired.  Tomorrow would be another day.

Day three of operation "NO Chupy" went a little better. We had already limited the Chupy use months ago to just nap and just bed time.  She occasionally found one and stuck it in her mouth during these months.  All day, no Chupy requests, thank goodness!  Then came bedtime.  Thing Two requested over and over her beloved Chupy.  Finally at about 11:00 pm she fell asleep Chupy-less.  RELIEF!  Then at about three in the morning I got a visitor in my bedroom.  All I heard was a small whisper "Mommy Chuppy".  Again explained she was a big girl and put her back to bed.  An hour later she found her way back to my room "Mommy Chupy.  I sleep you?" I needed sleep, so in she went to my bed while I slept for another 30 minutes just to be awakened by my lovely alarm clock.  I think this was the point when I met the step of making a decision to let God take over. GOD, please let me get through this!!!

Day four of operation "No Chupy" was splendid.  No chupy requests, no fighting her sleep, just sleep at a decent hour.  This was a great day!

Day five of operation "No Chupy", what happened to day four!!!!  Well Thing Two stayed up until 11 pm requesting, pleading, begging for her Chupy.  I almost gave in, but I remembered the day before and the success of that day.  She fell asleep and I got no visitor that night. 

Day six, my goodness I'm exhausted!  She's exhausted too, I can see it across her face.  That night not much screaming or pleading, just a simple question, "Chupy mommy?"   Again the big girl conversation was told to Thing Two.  This time after I finished I got a sigh and an "OKAY".  Wow, that was something I didn't expect. I think she reached the acceptance step.  Then I got a visit at two in the morning, "Mommy I sleep you?".  SIGH, from me this time.  OKAY.

Today is day seven, a week from the time we both have been going through this operation "No Chupy".  It a long road but I think we both have gone through most of the process.  Eventually we will get to the point where a Chupy is no longer mentioned, like that one family member that is never spoken about at family parties.  Today, we will have ice-cream and I will remind her what a big girl she is and how proud I am of her.

I'm still exhausted, I'm still going through growing pains, but it needs to be done.  She will be ok, but it's still hard.  I'm going to hate potty training her.

What challenges have you had with your children?  Have you felt like you have been put through it with them?