Flashback Friday - Analyzing the Marriage/child decision...AGAIN

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

March 6, 2006 - This is the blog where I am like Marissa Tomei in "My Cousin Vinny" 

 Things did not quite work out as I had hoped in this blog.

So as much as I deny it, it feels good to have a little one snuggle with you. My cousin's little girl snuggled with me and she was snoozing away. I held her at a family party as her parents ate dinner. They didn't want to just leave her on the couch to sleep. I offered to hold her. So this is where my story begins.
I always had planned on having kids. Never happened with the ex-husband because, well for one reason or another he just couldn't have kids. It still remains a big mystery, he never included me in on what was going on, which is probably a big reason why we are not together today. So forward to know, I'm 35.

Yes, you heard it
35!!!

I don't remember what happened, but dang...Hello 30-35! It's a blur. I spent it with someone who I thought I might have a family with, maybe even do the married thing. Yeah, I'm a sucker for pain!
So that clearly never happened or else I would be here telling you guys that yeah married life is a pain, and the kids drive me up the wall, but I'm happy. So now comes the decisions. I made a decision to not have children, and that was after thinking and thinking and thinking. (a whole lot of thinking)

I asked myself questions like, would you be willing to take that risk at 35 to have a child, would you be able to do it without being married, or having the father of the child around? So when I answered, I don't want to be the oldest mom in the school parking lot, I know what that's like. I don't want to be the one to tell my child, yeah I don't know why your daddy isn't around, I know what that's like. I don't want to explain to my child that oh yeah daddy lives with so and so and I live here with so and so, but your our love and blah blah blah... it just didn't work for me.

For me I wasn't willing to settle to bring a child into this world and not have a happy marriage. It just goes hand in hand for me. I know, how conservative is that coming from a liberal person?! I guess deep down inside those are the things I really wanted and now I find that just a memory.

But let me tell you when I felt that little girl all snuggled on me, it made me just feel like ...oh what the hell have a kid on your own! Any donors? LOL Like I said, I'm all screwed up! Deep down, I'm still going to end up thinking about it and going...Nope shouldn't do it.

AMA

BIG BOLD BRIGHT RED LETTERS - AMA

That was the big acronym strewn across my medical file when I glanced over.  It was a prenatal appointment I had when I was pregnant with Thing One.  I thought to myself "What the heck was that?!"  Did I have something that was bad?  Was the Doctor not telling me everything? What in the world could AMA be?  Being hormonal and being beside myself with worry I had to ask the doctor.  "I'm sorry, but I notice the initials AMA on my chart, can you tell me what that is?"  The ugly truth, the cold hard facts were about to hit me at that point "Oh sure, it means Advanced Maternal Age".  I sat there and looked again and I thought...Oh my GOSH!  I'm OLD!  In fancy medical, politically correct terms, but yes it meant OLD!

It took me months and months to be ok with that big bright red acronym to be on my file.  It was like a scarlett letter, I was old, different, not young enough to be having kids.  Utterly frustrating to me at one point thinking, why are you putting me in the OLD catergory.  I'm not peeing myself, YET!  I had never thought of myself in those terms.  I always considered myself young, hip, with it.  Hmm...why???!!!  I guess the medical community agrees that I was not of "child bearing" age.  I was 36, and I was far from the age of the girl sitting next to me in the medical office waiting room, who was like 10 years my junior.  Mind you, we were both expecting our first child. 

It was really not a choice of mine, by far to be AMA.  I had tried for a good 2 years to get pregnant with Prince Charming, when I was 28.  It had failed miserably and accounted for a lot of turmoil that led up to our divorce.  By the time that happened I was 30.  I had 5 good "child bearing" years I figured.  Within those years I met The Frog.  I did get pregnant at 33 only to lose the baby I was to have with The Frog. Depression hit me hard after that and any type of hope to bear a child was out the door.  I date Big Cheese with no intention on having children, I had hit the big 3 - 5! SURPRISE! PREGNANT!

I always thought I wanted to be a hip young mom, not too young, but young.  Life had other plans for me.  I have worried a lot about being the oldest mom in playgroups, not being able to relate with the other mothers.  Quite to my surprise, once you become a mother, you share the same fears, the same hapiness, the same guilt.  It's a huge sisterhood, for sure. 

My other fear I had was my own health and mortality.  Will I be here long enough to teach my children all the need to know?  Will I be capable of the demands that young children have, physically?  Both of my parents were older when I was conceived and I lost my father at the age of 12.  I feel that this is why I worried so much.  After having Thing One I realized one thing, sure I was older, but I wasn't dying and I had some control of my health.  I was still able and capable of taking on this new chapter in my life.

I will have to say that being AMA has it's advantages in some aspects.  I have more patience with them because I don't have to worry about going to school, or that I have not yet found my identity.  I have done my share of going out with my friends, with experiencing the world around me.  Of course there is room for growth and exploring, but this time I'm willing to do it through the eyes of Thing One and Thing Two. 

Who needs a fountain of youth???!!!! I have Thing One and Thing Two! :)