Lessons from the original Superman

Father's day is always a fickle time for me.  Today marks 30 years since the last Father's day I spent with Sarge.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was the first time I was able to "purchase" a father's day breakfast for him.  McDonald's had a promotion that year if you colored a sheet that was provided by them and took it in for Father's day, your dad would get a free breakfast.  I didn't know it, but that would be the last time I would spend a Father's day with my dad.  Five months later, just 2 months shy of my 13th birthday, he was gone. 

I have been without him longer than he was with me. Still he has been a powerful influence in my life. His words and actions have permeated me for the remaining years I have been without him. His words float over my head in everything I do and say to others.  Today as in everyday I honor the Superman he was to me. 

Little lessons he left me with:

• Love thy neighbor - Sarge was the neighborhood guy.  Someone needed a tool, he would be the guy to come and borrow one from.  If your car broke down in the middle of a delluge of rain, he was the person you called. Not only would he give you a ride but  he would try to fix that car or get you the help you needed.  The day of his funeral I met so many people that were touched by all the things I never knew he did.  He was a giving person who loved humanity.  No one was ever more or less than him, we were all of the human kind and we should all help each other in this world. So when I lose my patience in Los Angeles traffic I remember, we are all human and we all need to look out for one another. 
• Appreciate the simple things - Music was always blaring on any given day at our home.  Sarge would play anything from classical music, swing, to Mariachis.  He would sing to his heart content without abandonment, even though his voice was that of nails on a chalkboard.  Simple outings were the catalyst to "great adventures" as he would call it.  So it was no surprise I was excited when he took me to the city of Corona for an adventure to seek out a great doughnut. Who cares if it just a few miles from our city, it was somewhere new we had never been.  It was his appreciation of the simple joy in life that has gotten me through some rough times.  Seeking out that hole in the wall cafe and people watching has brought me to a calm place where I could think things through.  Listening to a favorite song can take me back in time to a wonderful place when things were calm and fun.
• Laugh at yourself -  Sarge was the original dork. Never afraid to make a fool of himself and laugh along the way.  He made sure I never took myself or life to seriously.  I would get in funks as a child and some how he always managed to make me laugh at his antics.  He would point out the great humor in things, even if it was the crappiest day ever.  So now, I manage to look at life and see the humor in things.  It makes me smile and I can be the same goofball my dad was to me with my children and see the smile I had as a child being reflected back at me through the kids.
• Never forget your history - I never knew my grandparents, they were gone before I was born but I definitely knew about them.  Sarge never failed to take me on his lap to tell me of things when he was growing up, about how his family life was with his parents.  He took me to Mexico to meet my extended family to develop a relationship with those who carried our history. He wanted me to grow up proud of how far our family has come and how far I could take the rest of our history.  One of the major reasons I blog about my children and myself is to carry on that rich tradition.  Much is to be said about storytelling.  You never know what lessons you are learning from your own rich family history.  
• Get up and succeed - He picked me off the floor after I fell off a bike, cleaned up my scrape and placed me back on the bike I had just fallen off.  Giving up was not an option.  I was crying my eyes out and wanting to give up, but Sarge encouraged me.  Every step of the way he was there to cheer me on.  Little successes where HUGE accomplishments. He made sure I understood that no matter if I had an audience or not. I was the master of my own pride with all those accomplishements.  So when I was able to do the major things in life like graduate from college or simply help potty train a two year old I could stand with pride and never give up.

There are so many more that I can list but these in particular have helped me get through the good, the bad, and ugly that life has out there.  All he did for me in the short 12 years of my life has stayed with me.  It's not about time that you spend with your children, it's what you do in whatever time you have with them. 

For the men who create those strong bonds with their children I salute you.  You never know what your teaching your little ones and what life lessons they are learning along the way. 

Feliz dia del padre Papi.  Te extrano muchismo! <3>

Out of darkness thanks to a Diva: Mama Kat's world famous writer's workshop

This weeks prompt that I choose to write about hit home to me from Mama Kat's workshop.  I had been thinking about writing about this when the prompts came to me on Monday morning. Share a Whitney Houston song that meant something to you.
(inspired by Mama Mary). 

Saturday I was knee deep in throw up from Thing Two having the stomach flu.  It was Big Cheese's weekend with the children but Thing Two was not going anywhere.  She wanted to stay home with me, which was fine with me.  As I was throwing in yet another load of laundry that had the wretched smell of vomit I heard the phone go off.  I thought it might be Big Cheese checking in on Thing One's status.  I looked at the text, it was him. "OMG! Whitney Houston is dead turn on MSN right now!".  I spun so fast to grab the remote and of course to Twitter and Facebook.  I kept telling myself it wasn't true, it wasn't true!   I watched and felt confusion and shock.  I grew up listening to this lady and she was their at the most important time in my life when I thought I would never get out of the darkness I was in. 

Summer 2001 was one of the roughest times of my life.  I had been married for seven years with ups and downs in them, but it was officially over.  My then husband had moved out, I was alone.  We were not able to conceive any children and that was one of many of our problems that were exacerbated during this time.  I found myself questioning everything in the relationship.  Was it me? Was it him?  Could this anger be about other things.  I fluctuated from sadness to anger and back again.  Mostly I was sad, and clinically depressed. My doctor even put me on medication to help take the edge off of all the crazy feelings I had inside.  While it curbed it somewhat I really just needed to go through the steps of grieving.  Grieving the loss of hopes and dreams I had felt had died with the marriage. Mostly the hope of having children.  I was now single at 30 and quickly approaching 31. 

I had just purchased the Whitney Houston Greatest Hits album.  I loved that the two-disk album was labeled "Cool" and the other "Hot".  I played the "Cool" disk over and over and over.  Obsessive to hear about love and the pain involved along with it.  Her voice expressing every lost feeling I had.  I cried often and it was cleansing.  One day I decided to put on the "Hot" disk.  It had a lot of faster dance tunes of hers.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the one song that helped me think of where I was going was found on this "Hot" disk. 

I heard every word, the lyrics hit me and made me smile. Whitney's voice encouraging and exciting. The song was not one of her more popular songs that everyone knew and until that moment I really had never paid attention to it.  The song was "Step by Step", a remix actually.  Very upbeat with a great dance groove. 

The next day instead of crying at home I hit the gym equipped with the lyrics of the song running through my earphones and my thoughts.  Making me think, "YES YOU CAN DO THIS, STEP BY STEP".  I worked out , I felt the energy and hope go through me.  This was not the end of my story, not the end of my journey.  Life will go on and it will not be without stumbling along the way.  I did have the choice to put one foot in front of the other and take it "Step by Step". 

Things did change for me.  I took on a new challenge in my work, I found joy in friends and family, I even went on to have two beautifully wonderful children.  One song who's lyrics touched me and one singer who made me truly feel each of those lyrics. 

So yes, I cried when I heard.  I fear that she could not find the same happiness and hope that were in those positive lyrics she sang, the ones that lifted me.  She had demons that were often spread through tabloids. You cheered and hoped that these were not true and that eventually she would find her way.  In the end only she and God know what exactly went on in her last hours and how she felt. 

I can say this:  Thank you Whitney for giving me that song and singing it with all your heart and soul, it saved me from staying where I was.

What was your favorite Whitney song and why?

As always Thursdays posts brought to you with a little help from:

Santa Baby...

It’s that time again.  Christmas is upon us and I have my annual wish list for Santa.

Dear Santa ,

Thanks for the gifts last year.  The tantrums have been down since about 6 months ago.  I know that one took a little longer to get to me, but it’s one that meant the most.  Mom is still cancer free, so thank you, thank you, thank you.  Big Cheese has finally been able to give me some “child free” days, to which I am grateful.  Even if it is just to catch up on laundry, have full control of the remote, and sleep.   Thank you for getting me that larger car. I can now take the kids places without being cramped up and worrying about breaking down in the middle of nowhere with them in tow.

So this year my list is a little bit smaller, because I am after all satisfied for the most part on how this year has turned out.

1.       A Mami helper:  Mami is getting older; she needs someone to stay close to her more often than she thinks she needs to.  I wish I could do more, but with two children and a full time job that is at a distance my time is stretched.

2.       Laundry helper:  Maybe we can combine this one with the one above.  As soon as I’m done doing all the laundry I have to start all over with this.  I just need it folded and put away which seems to be my weakness when children need to be fed or broken up from fighting with each other,  Mami needs to be shuffled off  somewhere, and just errands that need to be run. 

3.       Wine:  I need it after all of the activities listed above.

4.       A Guy A MAN :  No not a boyfriend, because Lord knows we tried that route earlier this year and that was a failure of EPIC proportions.  Just someone who checks in occasionally on all those mechanical things that I can’t figure out as much as I try to Google, or youtube. I’m a single girl idiot in that department.  Yes, even “I” am not superwoman!

5.       Good Slumber on weekends and kid free days:  I have no idea why, dang internal clock is set. I’m up earlier than roosters. It’s not fair!  I WANT to sleep, but it eludes me.  I don’t care if raccoon eyes are making a come back!  They don’t flatter me.

6.       More financial resources:  I have a job, thank goodness!  It is not that I want more money for myself, it is to do those occasional good deeds.  Pay for someone’s layaway, pay for someone’s groceries that is struggling to make ends meet.  I want to be able to spread that cheer year around.

7.       Continued health:  I know I struggle with my weight.  I need to get on the ball with this so that I can be around for the kids, the grand kids and the great grand kids.  I am healthy now, but it can get better. 

8.       Creativity:  I seem to have lost that this last year.  I wrote quite often, I crafted with the kids more before.  Can you help me find it this year? I miss it.

9.     For continued patience:  Especially with Thing One and Thing Two.  They drive me crazy some days and I just want to lock myself up in the bathroom with the bottle of wine and my fantastic new acrylic cup (Thanks D-law) that I have affectionately named Herman.

10.   This one is important:  BARBIE HEAD.  Year 33 and still no Barbie head.  I will continue to ask every  year.  I have been good, what is up with this???!!!  Surely there has to have been some mix up at your fabulous toy shop. (crosses fingers, does a prayer, I hope I don’t get coal for this comment)

Love you  lots!

Dooritos

Mami of Thing One and Thing Two

P.S.  The kids have been good this year, please make sure to read their letter.  I certify that they have been good. J

Frozen in Time... September 11, 2001

10 years go by so quickly, yet they stand still in many instances.  Like the moment I stood in front of a television frozen. Frozen by the image of a plane slamming into the Twin Towers and thinking, could this really be happening?  I was 30 years old, going through a divorce already and childless.  I remember that moment, when hot tears could not come out of my eyes because I could not process what I was watching and feeling.  It took a whole week before I could cry and release it all.  I was one of many who felt overwhelmed and questioned what life had ahead of them and for this country. 

I sit here ten years later at the age of 40, finding my way into a new relationship and a mother of two loving busy children, and yet I still cry and I remember.  I remember what was lost, innocence, fathers, mothers, uncles, spouses, children, security, dreams, hopes.  I also rejoice in what 10 years has brought some of us.  It brought, resilience, new hope, new dreams, rekindled dreams, strength, neighbors, new families, new borders, new safety policies.  We have all come far. 

10 years…Never forget that day, but honor it as a positive memory.  Remember those survivors who dusted themselves off and progressed forward despite everything that happened that day.  Honor those lost by finishing their work and making this a better kinder place. 

My children will know that they are here because of that day.  I rekindled my dream of having children someday and reaching that degree.  Done! And DONE!  Let’s see what the next ten years will bring.   

The wheels on the bus that humble and other life experiences.

This fabulous monster is what has been my main form of transportation the last couple of months.  My car finally took a turn for the worst and is ending up resting in peace in the cemetery of twisted metal that is a junk yard.  While for most people this may not be the end all of existence in the city, it is if you live in Los Angeles.

This city plain and simply was not built for the ease of public transportation.  It has improved vastly in the last couple of years.  However it is not conducive to work with a schedule of a single mother of two who's normal commute to work is an hour each way on a normal day, without having to take a bus.  In order to get to work I was having to get up at an ungodly hour, schlep myself to a bus stop, wait in the darkness of the morning, take three buses only to end up 20 minutes from my start time.  Two hours of commuting, if I was lucky to catch the bus on time.  *SIGH* 

I have missed a bus and by missed I mean TOTALLY missed it.  I got home at 8.  Just enough time to pick the kids up, bathe them and put them to sleep.  I cried that night.  Big Cheese has been more of a hindering factor than a helping one in all this.  I asked for help and I got the "I am busy with my life, it's not my weekend, you deal with it"  speech.  It was actually an angry tirade that set me back.  I felt alone and just defeated.  I did a lot of crying, a lot of praying.  I had to figure out life, how to get me and The Things to and from all of our various activities, how I was going to come up with some reliable transportation. 

It is in the moments like this that you know who is really there for you.  I had a car for a few weeks from a family friend that is like a big brother.  He was going through his own set of difficulties and yet he helped me out.  He had gone to Mexico with a friend to visit his wife and young child, only to find his wife sick.  Turns out she has leukemia and he was staying longer to take care of her.  He saved me a couple of weeks of grief from riding the metal monster of the bus.  I have had a co-worker help me get home at a decent time occasionally.  She has a son and is a single mom and knows all to well how I was missing my babies.  Then there is the friend from Facebook who I know through her brother and mostly through posts and comments on each other's status.  She saw the post where I was on the bus and how I was people watching.  She sent me a message "I do nothing all day, I can give you a ride".  Raw in delivery but the sentiment was felt deeply.

Then there is T.  T is my source of support, my spouse in a spouse less relationship.  She made arrangements as much as she could so I wouldn't be on the bus all the time.  Then there was the slew of people keeping an eye open for a newer used car on sale.  Like Pretty Eyes, who gave me her dad's number and now I am a day closer to a newer set of wheels. 

I have been humbled, brought to tears, and then redeemed by the love of friends and family.  Life's lessons are hard to swallow, especially when there are little ones involved.  I am just glad I am seeing the light of day finally and that the Things and I will be off to new adventures again.  Minus a bus. :)

What challenges have you had as a parent?  What or who saved your sanity during that trying moment?

The end of an era... *SNIFF, SNIFF, SIGH*

Let me just start off by saying that I apologize for my long hiatus from my lovely blog.  There have been circumstances in my un-virtual world that have caused me a lot of reflective thinking and I've become a cyber-space hermit.  I will post in a later blog of what I have been reflecting on.  But now on to more important issues:

Thing One graduated from Gymboree this Saturday.  What's Gymboree?  Clothes? NO!  It's been the best mommy and me experience for my kids and I.  When I was a preschool teacher way before kids I remember hearing parents talk about the nice experience they had taking their children their and all the stuff they did.  Then came the time I was home alone with my first baby, going bonkers.  All of my friends pretty much had school age children or teenagers, so I had no idea how to connect with them at this time in my life.  I really felt isolated and in dire need of letting my inner social butterfly to GET OUT. 

I hopped on to the website for Gymboree Play and Music out of curiosity.  I searched to see where the nearest facility was and just to observe.  They offered a free first time class and it so happened they had one for infants.  I had to get out, I had developed carpal tunnels which was painful, the baby crying, and feeling isolated, well I just had to. 

I walked into a brightly colored space with Thing One tightly wrapped in my arms.  I was greeted by the biggest brightest smile from Kristen.  She was the teacher on Saturdays and for the next three some odd years for my darling children.  The first day we attended Thing One was 3 months old and he was a fidgety, crying stressed out baby.  Kristen explained that sometimes the stimulation caused all that crying and that it would go away eventually.  It did and he eventually came to think of Gymboree as his home away from home.  We all did.  This experience was not just for him but for Mami and Me. 

In the three odd years that we have been going faithfully to Gymboree we developed life long friendships with many of the families.  Thing One has grown in those years and learned so much while he was there.  He rolled over on the first time while in class.  He cruised around the foamy mats and did his famous army crawl.  He mastered climbing on and off the structures, which I'm sure is why he never fell off the bed, he knew how to do it right.  He sang his first words, only to babble incessantly at the age of 2.  He learned to make friends and take turns.  He lost his fear of crawling through a tunnel and graduated to leaping off the climbing structure. 

So when his teacher left Gymboree it felt like it was time to go.  The class didn't have the same feel after Teacher Kristmas (As Thing One would refer to her) was gone.  I started to notice that Thing One had no real interest in the classes and well we already had started soccer and many more activities were opening up to his age in the community.  I decided to pull him out of the program and take on other challenges.  It was a hard decision to make.  He simply outgrew Gymboree and he was now becoming a preschooler.

His last day was this Saturday.  I had a rush of memories and all that had gone on in the three years that had transpired.  All very positive and I realized it was time to let go.  I had some tears that morning.  My baby boy was now a preschool boy.  Thank you to my Gymboree family!  You will never know how much sharing we have done watching our kids grew together.  On to the next chapter...

First class 11/2007

Last but not least...His last review at Gymboree...we will miss you Gymbo, thanks for all the memories, friendship, and family!

What's in a word?

So, lately I have been reading a lot about being a single parent and all that entails. I think I'm really getting confused. I KNOW that I don't have a partner in my love life, that's an obvious YES. The problem comes when I read about "single" parents who are truly "single".

While I was struggling with a newborn and a 17 month old baby on my own I did very much feel like a single parent. Big Cheese would do the occasional visit and sometimes take Thing One for a few hours to where he was at. Still, it left me quite alone going crazy and knowing that the kids depended solely on me. It took almost two years until Big Cheese and I could come up with a comparable arrangement for both of us to have the children a reasonable amount of time. It also took two years of struggling about how we would divide financial responsibility with regards to our children. It has been a long road, and I am pretty sure there will be bumps in the road ahead but at least the lines of communication are opened.

Those first two years I did honestly feel like a "single" parent. I really didn't have that much support from the children's father emotionally or financially. He was there but very rarely for the kids. It was really rough and I thought back to those days and reflected to where we are now.

I feel "single parent" has the connotation for me as being alone with no help from the other parent at all, and doing it ALL on your own. The truth is I am not alone. I am blessed at the moment to have Big Cheese very involved with the raising of the children. He sees the children almost on a daily basis and every other weekend they spend the night at his home. He comes to special functions for the children's activities. He calls them to speak to them when they are not with him. We have figured out who pays for what and when one of us is short the other can't cover the spending the other compensates. We discuss about what we want for the kids in the future and how we should plan ahead for them with money, etc.

Somehow we have gotten to the point that we are no longer single parents. We have started to become like any other set of parents, except for the fact that there is no romance and we have two different homes. So I guess this is where I feel the term "single parent" doesn't work for me. I'm thinking "co-parent" works much better for me. We aren't married, but we definitely want what's best for our children. So I am no longer riding the roller coaster of single parenting. I am riding the roller coaster of co-parenting.

*insert cheesy smile HERE*

The Big Fat Mexican Wedding Moment

If you haven't seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding you have no idea about what that picture of the bottle of Windex is about.  To put it briefly, the father of the bride in the movie swears the Windex has healing powers and can cure just about anything.  Anything that ails you, just spray the Windex.  When I watched this scene in the movie, I had to laugh.  You see it may not be Windex in many Latino homes, but it could be in our home Mentholatum, the cure all of Cure alls.  It's an ointment very similar to Vick's vapor rub. 

I can still remember the first time my dad used it to ease my growing pains in my shins.  They were always would be so painful that the warmth of the ointment would just feel good while Sarge would rub it into my legs and wrap it up with one of his 1970's style long basketball socks with red stripes on the top.  Nothing felt quite as soothing as that.  Then there was the time my sister swore it cured a child who wouldn't nap (me) by placing it ever so gently on the top of my eyebrows.  Sure it worked, I had to keep my eyes closed to keep them from watering. So eventually it did do the trick and I was off to slumber land (THANKS SIS!).  I think a lot of the soothing I felt in those moments when I either scraped my knee, or was going through growing pains was not so much from the actual ointment. The actual healing that was happening was the care and concern from the adult giving me the attention needed to make me feel better. 

Thing One had been complaining about his legs when he was playing soccer.  I brushed it off and thought he was ok.  After I had given him a warm bath Mami asked me to bring him to her room.  There she had some of her magic healing ointment.  I thought they didn't make it anymore!  Thing One let her rub the ointment on his shin and then had a nice long sock placed on his legs.  He slept peacefully that night.  A few weeks have passed since that moment and the Things were outside playing.  Thing Two fell on her knees, no scrapes but lots of tears.  Thing One ran to me and said "Momma Yiyi needs Abi's cream!"  It brought a smile to my face to know that there will be no medicine will be quite as strong as the Mentholatum and Abi's loving touch.

Any of you have special remedies that just don't make sense to anyone else but to your family?

Daddy

Sometimes I believe I may judge Big Cheese unfairly.  He may not be a horrible father, he just isn't the type of father I am accustomed to. I expected someone to father my children the way my dad did for me.
Today is my Daddy's birthday.  He has been gone from our lives since I was 12.  I had him for 12 glorious years.  He was the best Daddy anyone could have.  It is because of him I am the person I am today.  He taught me so much.  A lot of what he taught me are things I want my babies to learn as well.


Things that made him an exceptional father:

• He called my half sister his daughter .  Not step daughter, not my wife's child, HIS daughter.  He did for her what her own father probably would never have done for her.  He was her dad as much as he was mine.
• He loved my mother.  Despite her hot Latin temper, despite the difference in opinion.  He would grab her hand even when she was mad.  He would kiss her cheek and hold doors for her.  He respected her as a woman, as the mother of his child.
• He would pass up a night out dancing with friends if no one was able to take care of me.  He would even send my mom out with those friends and he would stay home with me.  He never wanted me to feel that other things were more important than keeping us a family.
• He made pancakes on Saturday mornings and he made sure that we ate meals at the table as a family.  During these meals he would ask me how school was and about what I wanted to do.  He never belittled me as a child.  He listened and encouraged all the dreams I layed out as a child.
• He had a variety of friends from all walks of life.  They were poor migrant workers, well to do lawyers he worked with, middle class friends from the barrio he grew up in East Los Angeles.  He exposed me to all kinds of races, ethnicity's, backgrounds.  "mija no one is above anyone, we are just people, humans"
• He loved all kinds of art.  He would take me to museums to see art work.  He would also take me to East Los Angeles and show me the paintings on the walls by local artists. I would spend hours in the garage watching him come up with his own pieces of art.  That is when he would show me brush strokes and how to shade to create effects on drawings. I can still smell the oil paints and hear the stroking of the brush on the canvas.
• He made sure we knew our heritage.  He found his extended family in Mexico City that my grandfather left when he crossed the border with my grandmother.  We were never to lose touch with them again.  We would spend summer vacations and Christmas vacations visiting the large family we had there.  I learned the culture, the food, the art first hand.  I still speak with those family members years after our first meeting.
• He fought for other's rights and made sure we knew that when someone is being treated unfairly to speak up.  My father was a police officer and he was always the police officer even after he retired the badge.  If there was something that wasn't right, he tried to make it right.  I don't know how many times I would see my dad stop something that was not right.  I remember the neighbor who had just moved in came to our house seeking to call her parents because her drunk husband had beaten her.  My dad promptly walked over to her house.  He told her husband "the next time you lay a hand on her, you will have a lot more than the police to deal with.  I will give this one moment for you to sober up and think about what you are doing to your wife and to your children".  He never touched her again. 
• He never missed one school assembly, girl scout meeting, gymnastic practice, field trip.  When he did he was sick or like that one time during the gas crisis, he was in line for gas.  If he did miss any event he made sure to ask how it went.  He would listen and ask questions, and i knew he was really listening to me.
• He was the funniest silliest person I knew.  We would laugh for hours sometimes because of something silly he would say to us.  I still remember him singing Oliva Newton Johns song "Heart attack" as "Fart Attack".  Hours and hours of entertainment with him.
• He was the best story teller.  He could make a boring newspaper article come to life.  The tone in his voice, the added story lines.  He made me interested in the written and spoken word early in life for this reason.

I miss my Daddy everyday in different degrees of longing for him. He was just perfection to me even in imperfect situations.  For these reasons I find it hard to see being a father any less than what I was given. I have to cut Big Cheese some slack sometimes.  Daddy was a size 9 shoe, but boy those are some large size 9 shoes to fill. 

Everything else can wait...

I live in Los Angeles and a commute is part of my daily life.  It's inevitable you need a car to get anywhere in this metropolitan city, it was not built to be the most transit friendly.  Los Angeles is actually considered on of the worst commutes in America   Thing One and Things Two have no choice but to be strapped into a car seat for hours on end to get anywhere fun. JOY!  Two toddlers in the back of the smallest car ever and Mami in the front seat chatting her little heart away because she knows I have no where to run to and have no choice but to listen.  Distractions are just waiting in that car.  Can I just say a Toyota Tercel was never meant to be a family car, but it is my circumstances right now and I deal with it. 

A commute anywhere with all three of my passengers is a challenge to say the least.  Add rain to the commute of a Southern California driver and it's just a hot mess.  I have to be extra aware of not just my driving but the driving of others. This is when I remember my driver's ed teacher in High School "BE A DEFENSIVE DRIVER". Nothing matters more than the people in my car, especially my babies. 

Saturday morning we ventured off to an early Gymboree play and movement class because we had a birthday party later on that day.  Normally I wouldn't be on the freeway this early in the morning.  Rain was looming over our commute, not a drizzle but definitely dark clouds hanging out. Mami as usual was chatting away, and the Things were comfortably snoozing to the mind numbing sounds of Rock-a-bye lullabies.  Twenty minutes into our commute home there it was, dust,  the sound and smell of screeching tires rubbing against the pavement.  It was on the left hand side of the freeway and we were in the slow lane. I could clearly see that this car was in trouble.  If I didn't slow down I would be part of this trouble. The car careened and was spinning out of control across the freeway.  My heart was pounding as I saw it move closer and closer to us. Luckily I was not driving fast and I saw it the moment the car lost control.  I hit my breaks gently and watched helplessly.  The whole time my thoughts were on the safety of my babies and Mami. 

When it all ended the driver was facing my car the opposite direction of traffic.  I placed my hazards on and allowed the driver of the vehicle to compose themselves and move off to drive himself in the correct direction of traffic.  All cars on that highway were stopped and no one was hurt luckily.  This scenario could have had a different outcome, but people were driving to protect others that day.  No cell phones in hand, no changing of radio stations, no reaching back to break up children arguing or to reach a dropped toy.  When I got home and made sure everyone was safe in the house, I shook from stress and cried. 

The Friday night before I had settled in to read my latest edition of Parent magazine.  I read the article on The Most Dangerous Drivers.  As I was reading I was shocked that women are the most distracted drivers, mom specifically.  That evening I read through the Driver Pledge and thought about my own mistakes while driving.  The article saved my life and my children's lives.  Had I been distracted you would be reading about the horrible accident on the 605 instead of my account of the whole ordeal on a blog.  

If you're a parent, a driver, a passenger I highly recommend taking the time to look at the pledge.  It could be your life or the lives of someone's family you could be saving.  I know my eyes are WIDE open now. I don't want me and my family to be a statistic.

The moment you know...you are not alone

June 2007.  I was holding the phone and almost let it slip out of my hand.  It almost fell out of my hand because my hands were shaking from shock, distress, hurt and just plain astonishment.  On the other side of the line was Big Cheese telling me he would not be able to come to Lamaze with me because he had just signed up for softball and he wasn't going to let his fees for that go to waste on a dumb class.  I was a first time mom, scared out of my mind.  I didn't know what to expect with labor and as always I wanted to be prepared.  Big Cheese just grunted on the other side of the line.  This should have been my first major red flag for things to come.  We hung up and my big pregnant emotional self cried.  I cried because one, I was hormonal and two, I didn't have the support I thought I did in Big Cheese. 

Not going to the class was not an option for me. The class required another person to be there, the person you trusted the most to be there to see you in all your glory and pain.  The person who wouldn't care that I would yell at them to stop breathing on me (yes I did that).My friend  "T" was the only person I knew that had the time to go with me and would be a great confident.  The call was pretty nerve racking to make.  How do I approach this?  I mean come on, it's not everyday that a friend says "Hey could you help me out while I squeeze out a watermelon out of my vajayjay".  The conversation ultimately went like this: 

Me: Big Cheese can't go to Lamaze with me  *SIGH*  *CRY*
T:  When is it?
Me: Wednesdays from 7 - 9 for two weeks
T:  I will go with you.

It was that simple.  I didn't need to ask in any particular way, I didn't have to explain why Big Cheese was being an idiot and putting me on the back burner when I needed him most.  T knew, she knew like any good friend would have known.  She knew I was scared, she knew I was upset, she knew I was hurt.  When you have friends like that you don't need a big explanation the heart just knows.  Just like she knew how much it hurt me when I walked into the room and realized I was the only woman at Lamaze without a male partner there. 

She was there bright and early when the moment came to coach me through my scary moment.  She didn't quite make it through to see Thing One being born. She passed out right at the point I was going to push, Big Cheese took over at that moment and saw me the rest of the way through.  A year later she was there to see Thing Two being born, no passing out this time.  T has been the source of my strength many times when I have no idea if I am doing the right thing by my children.  She sees me through dark moments when all I want to do is be angry and cry from both sadness and frustration.  I can't say enough about the times she has sacrificed her time to take my kids to their Gymboree class when I need a break.  She loves my kids as if they were her own.  No words can ever express the gratitude I feel for her.  She picked up where Big Cheese failed me. 

I may not have the male counterpart in my life to help me through this thing called parenthood but I have T.  Every single parent needs that source of support and I am glad there are people like T around. By the way T, you have 7 more years until Thing One's 10th birthday and your tetanus shot is due.

Who besides your family is a source of support when it comes to raising children and raising you as a mother?

Happy 2nd Birthday!

It was a beautiful Sunny day in Southern California.  I was a week away from my due date of January 20, 2009.  I kept thinking, wow she’s coming on a special day.  The first African American President will be sworn in on that very day.  On January 14, 2009 I left Thing One with my mom to a what I thought would be an uneventful doctor's appointment.  I was wrong, I was 4 cm dialated by the time I got to the doctor, no turning back now.  At 9:47 PM Thing Two made her appearance into this world, and nothing will quite be the same for us ever again.

My Muñeca (doll) has changed the family dynamic in so many positive ways.

• She is the one who comforts her brother when she hears him crying when he is in a time out. 
• She is also the one who shakes her head when he is doing something he shouldn't
• She is the empathatic child who worries and says with a concerned look accross her face "Baby crying momma!" when she hears another child crying. 
• She lights up a room with her mischiveous smile.
• She makes Big Cheese, Grandpa Big Cheese and her older brothers a softer people.  She is the only girl in that dynamic. :)
• She delights us in being a girly girl with dresses, and trinkets, and crowns.
• I can see a glimpse that someday she is going to make a great mother by the way she cares for her dolls.
• She can't keep a beat to save her life when she dances, but she tries and she is confident in what she can do.  That makes me smile. 
•  She is confident and demanding.  She wants what she wants.  I call it focused and goal oriented, but really it's just a tantrum. 
• She makes me want to be a better mom, to show her what her job will be as a parent in the distant future. 

My dearest baby girl, you mean the world to us, and we would not want it any other way.  You turned us upside down with the joys you bring into our lives daily.  We love you, Happy 2nd birthday!  

Just a cup of Joe

So what does a tired office worker, who has had an hour commute and close to 7 hours of work do to make it through the next grueling couple of hours until she gets home? She does this:

That my friends is a cup of Starbucks instant coffee. Notice the little ditty on the cup? Peace. My friend Rocio bought that cup for me a couple of years ago for my birthday. I love it. This is what it says:

PEACE.

It does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise, trouble

or hard work. It means to be in

the midst of those things and still

be calm in your heart.

Sometimes at work and at home I need to remind myself of this. Especially when I’m sitting in traffic and I want it to move faster to get to my babies. Then when I’m home with the babies and they are so excited that they climb on me, chat loudly, kiss me incessantly, all this while I’m trying to make dinner. I lose it sometimes. Some days this tired mom wants to crawl in bed and let someone else take the reigns. Unfortunately it’s just me and this is why coffee and a deep breath help at 4:00 pm at work with my fabulous cup that lets me reflect and say…you will be ok.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...

A year in review…2010 and A year ahead 2011

 

It’s the end of the year and as always I like to reflect back and look forward. This year was eventful in the world as well as in my life.

 

• We saw Haiti be demolished by a devastating earthquake at the beginning of the year. Millions of people lost, so sad to see so many lives taken that left many children orphaned. I saw all that and held my children tighter, worried more about the kind of earthquake that could happen living in Los Angeles, and prayed a lot more.
   
•  My darling baby girl turned one in January. So much in a year had happened and she had grown so much. She had me worried for a very long time after because she didn’t let go and walk until she was 16 months old. Walking didn’t last long, she was running and keeping up with her brother. She has certainly been one of the best blessings I have received.
   
• This year also marked the first year I survived single parenting. I was able to think of where I was a year from that point and remembered all that I had done as a single parent. It is still a long road but one I’m willing to do for the sake of my children.
   
• My big boy was potty trained in the summer before his third birthday. (yeah! less diapers to change!) He has become quite a comedian this year. He is definitely the little man of the house. He protects his sister and always asks “you ok mama?” when he knows I’ve had a rough day. He is definitely a challenge in all aspects, but he is my love.
   
• The chants of Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le! Inspired all of us. How much we pulled for these miners and their families. The human spirit can endure so much and can make through so much turmoil. My hats off to these men and all that surrounded the efforts to save these men and get them out alive.
   
• Mami had a tumor scare on her other breast. I held my breath for 2 weeks when finally the results came in. The lump the doctor had felt was nothing. I was able to stop holding my breath and breathe again. Another year cancer free.
   
• I will be turning 4 decades old this month. Amazing how life just spins from the moment you are looking at how hard some multiplication table are in elementary school to how hard it is to balance children, an aging parent, work, responsibilities, and a personal life. 

Where will I be heading in 2011? There are a lot of wishes I have for the coming year. Not resolutions, but hopes and dreams.

• To be patient as I train my last baby how to go potty. I want to be diaper free by the end of 2011. (crosses fingers, does a few rosaries, and prays really really hard)
• To get the children’s father to agree to taking the kids every other weekend. The need Daddy time and I need my sanity back, even for a weekend.•To reconnect with my single self. I tried so hard last year to make it work with the kids dad, to try to mend hurt feelings. I now know I tried my best for my part in all this mess and like my dad said, you can take a mule to the river, but you can’t make him drink. There is a lot of damage that requires my attention, inside and out. Positive results come from positive thinking
• Take time to organize, regroup and enjoy the time I have with my little babies. Before you know it they will be grown and these moments will be cherished times.
• Get the little guy into school, sports etc. He is like a sponge he has the need to absorb all that is around
• Make it to church on days that are not just religious holidays. I may not agree with all the church has to say but my heart feels at peace when I go.
•  To be able to talk to the children’s father without feeling angry about his lack of attention to details about the kids. I can’t change his parenting skills. I can only change my approach to his view on parenting.
• Pick up the phone and call friends occasionally. It gives that personal touch that a text message just doesn’t have.
• To continue to maintain a vigilant eye on Mami and her health. Just let us have another year cancer free.

Do you make a yearly inventory of where you have been and where you are going? 

Santa, I have my list ready! :)

Dear Santa,

I know that you normally get letters from small children and deliver special gifts to those younger than, ummm let’s just say 10 years of age. However we all have special wishes and here are mine:

1. Less tantrums and anger - Mine, the kids, and their fathers.

2. Confidence - The kind that make me feel that the decisions I have made for my children are going to be ok for them.

3. An extra set of arms- To be able to be able to hold the many hands and items they bring along (toys, blankies, binkies etc...)

4. Serenity –Just like the prayer says:

                    grant me the serenity
                    to accept the things I cannot change;
                    courage to change the things I can;
                    and wisdom to know the difference.

5. Energy – You’ve met my kids at the mall, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about here.

6. A nanny- For the kids AND my mom.

7. Mommy days – The kind in which the kid’s dad will actually take them for a weekend so that I can come back and be a better rested single mom.

8. More cancer free days – For my Mami. She really wants to get to watch the kids grew up and go to school.

9. A new larger car- I know, I know its way overdue, just can’t seem to get to this lately. Help me out here.

10. Barbie head – I asked for this when I was 7 or so and my dad wouldn’t have you bring it because it was too grown up to play with make-up and hair and stuff. I think I’m grown a little. It doesn’t hurt to ask a second time around.  :)

Thank you for all you do for my kids. Thank you for listening to me. I understand if you can’t get all the things on my list. Just a few would make me one happy camper. I will leave some cookies and a triple shot Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. Hot Cocoa is just not going to cut it on Christmas day with all your deliveries.



Love,
Dooritos
Mommy of Things One and Two.

100 Thank you's big and small.

Thankful for –

1. Thing One who grabs my face vigorously and kisses me (drool and all) when I most need it.

2. Thing Two, who likes to cuddle and hug and strokes my hair at any given moment.

3. Teresa, who knows when I need to scream and run the other way and comes to my rescue with coffee and a great conversation.

4. Strong coffee.

5. Sandra, who checks in on my from time to time to say, I thought of you today and your never forgotten.

6. Uninterrupted bathroom time.

7. Rocio, who brings over Fabian and lets me know that her “married mom” status is not very different from my “single mom” status. We both don’t understand our kid’s tantrum, why we love them so, and how simple a trip to the park can be (or not). Thank you for sharing motherhood and toddler stages with me.

8. Eating hot meal the first time around.

9. Claudia, who delights me with her crazy stories of guys, friends, and sports. You keep me in touch with that side of me I think gets lost in mommy hood.

10. Mail that is not junk mail

11. Mami, who shows me courage, strength, when she is showing signs of aging. Even with aching bones and limited mobility you manage to watch the kids while I shower, come to events, and let the kids climb on you.

12. Coupons on the things I really use

13. Grandpa Big Cheese, for the moments you take my kids out of my hands when we visit and show them the yard, the birds, the cat, take them for a walk, build Thing One Lego buildings, let Thing Two play with your glasses. They learn so much in those brief moments.

14. My blackberry. I have a place to escape, text, watch an episode of Grey’s anatomy I missed, watch a funny video, and just catch up with the rest of the world.

15. Nana Big Cheese, for know EXACTLY what my kids love. Dolls that talk, balloons, microphones, crackers and not candy, juice, books. Oh and remembering them all the time, Halloween, Christmas, birthdays, when they don’t feel good.

16. A place to work and the people that I enjoy doing that with.

17. Uncle Big Cheese, for spoiling my children and keeping them entertained when they are with their daddy. They never stop talking about you!

18. Microsoft, word, excel, PowerPoint, and outlook. Without you my job would be A LOT harder.

19. Mommy Bloggers. I am not the only other insane mom out there, I’ve seen a million out there in blog world!

20. The librarian who doesn’t look at me funny when one of my kids is yelling at the top of their lungs like a wild banshee.

21. Heat and serve nutritious meals.

22. Drive thru's with not so nutritious meals

23. Baby wipes

24. Chayo, who cares for my babies like they are her own grandchildren and lets them do things I wouldn’t. She encourages their free little souls

25. U2, Journey, Pink, KOST, KBIG, KDAY, Jack FM Biggie, Dixie Chicks, and news radio. Thank you for coming along with me on my 605 freeway hell drive every morning and evening.

26. A roof over my head.

27. God answering my prayers

28. God not answering my prayers so that I am able to learn that I can get through ANYTHING.

29. Seat belts and car seats that keep my babies safe as the crazies drive around me.

30. Roadside assistance.

31. Male married friends who remind me that not ALL guys are jerks.

32. Child friendly restaurants.

33. The bad economy. Without you I wouldn’t have pulled my resources together and found out that I am capable of living without a few luxuries, but not without the love of the simple things like food, a roof over my head, a job, my babies, my momma, and time with them and my friends.

34. Free family oriented activities in the community.

35. Dollar Tuesday scoops at Baskin-Robbins

36. My Mami’s friend Maria who takes her to lunch once a week and listens to her when I can’t because of my time constraints between the kids and my job.

37. Higher education

38. Street savvy

39. Emotional intelligence

40. 24-hour Super Wal-Mart. Yes people need diapers and beer at 2 am!

41. My sister Chica who checks on me and asks how I’m coping with being single, the kids, and the mom.

42. Mc Donald’s Happy Meal toys that travel in the car.

43. Text messages. Because the moment I pick up the phone one of the kids start screaming out MOMMA!!! So much easier to actually communicate with adults.

44. Music that makes me nostalgic

45. Nick Jr. and Sprout channel. Because without you I wouldn’t be able to cook a meal, lock myself in a bathroom, read a book or blog. I don’t care if that makes me a bad mom, it helps me maintain my sanity! LOL

46. Movies that don’t involve a singing cartoon.

47. Disney Movies

48. Downey wrinkle releaser.

49. Gigi my hairdresser. Who lets me invent and re-invent myself with the blink of an eye and does a fabulous job.

50. My niece Little Chica and her fabulous hubby Big Phil. You set the bar high when it comes to marriages.

51. Tears. It lets me know I’m human.

52. Gymboree. Without you I wouldn’t have an amazing group of people that I like to call my extended family on Saturdays. We have watched our kids grow together, bond as friends, and we have learned parenting along the way and made friend with each other.

53. Birthday venues that take care of everything, just show up.

54. Under-eye cover up.

55. Teacher Kristen at Gymboree (Christmas as Thing One likes to call you) – for encouraging and teaching my kids how not to be afraid to climb up or down a big structure. Now they won’t stop climbing! LOL

56. Red flyer wagon that take me and my kids on new walking adventures.

57. My put-put. Your old, but paid off and you get me and the kids where we need to go.

58. Sunday “Snapped” marathons. (Again, I’m not the crazy one, THEY are!)

59. Cranberry vanilla bagels from Panera bread.

60. Free Wi-Fi

61. Pandora radio. Where else can someone who likes random music categories go to?

62. Juice boxes and Goldfish crackers

63. Dollar tree treasures.

64. Family from Mexico City that reminds me where my roots were and are.

65. Homemade Ecuadorian meals from mom. They just warm my soul.

66. The right to vote.

67. Taquitos from Olvera Street.

68. Washable Crayons, paints, and markers. Otherwise we would go through a lot of ruined clothes

69. Consignment shops

70. Diapers on SALE

71. Accurate reports that are actually accurate at work.

72. Making cupcakes with the kids. Messy, yes! Still it makes them think we are celebrating something when we make them.  Thing One : “who birfday?”

73. YouTube

74. Google maps, Google, Bing

75. My classic favorite books that now my kids enjoy.

76. Potlucks at work.

77. JcPenney photography in Arcadia, CA. You capture my kids personality and create memories

78. My digital camera. To capture randomness in our daily lives.

79. Swim classes in the summer that both Marcus and Lilli love.

80. Sticky notes

81. The memory of my dad parenting me. He gave me a good basis of what I wanted to be for my kids.

82. Meetings that actually mean something to me.

83. Cougar Town. I need to laugh sometimes

84. Turning 39. Just old enough to remember my youth and remind me of how much of grown.

85. Being the oldest mom on the playground but not acting like it.

86. Sleeping past 4:30 am on most weekends.

87. Cheerios. It’s a snack, a breakfast, and can be incorporated into any art project.

88. C-Dawg who every time we talk, wishes she could be here for me the way I was there for her and Maile. Just saying that warms my heart. I know she would, if it were not for the distance.

89. Tide stain removers, Oxiclean, and scrub brushes.

90. Semi-legible handwriting to decipher my meeting notes.

91. Digital archives

92. Little Cheese and Cheeto. Thanks for being great examples for your brother and sister.

93. Flashlights that help me find a doll, Spiderman, or pacifier that has fallen in the middle of the night, without turning on the light and making all hell breaks loose.

94. People who actually hold doors, say bless you, let you into their lane when your turn signal is on.

95. People in the service who sacrifice time and families for this country.

96. Breast cancer advancements

97. Sunglasses that hide my bags, the sun, relieve my migraines, make me look made up, when I’m not.

98. Black Friday and Cyber Mondays.

99. Facial powder and lip gloss.

100. Last but not least. Big Cheese, the kid’s dad. Even though we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, our kids love you. Thing One loves that you play the “ewww” food game with him, and spider man webs. Thing Two loves to wear your hats and get away with murder when she bats her eyes at you. I know that at least we can try to parent our children the best way we can.

THANKS AND LOVE EVERYONE!