That moment...

Today's blog is inspired by the Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:

Happy almost Mother’s Day! Share a parenting moment where you really began to realize what this mothering thing is all about.

Everyone has a different story about how the KNEW they were a mother.  A true sense of the word.  People define it in many terms and with different degrees of emotion.  I have a slew of moments this occurred.  Like the time the nurse told me I was swaddling Thing One wrong.  What a a few of us experience though is much different than our counterparts that are married.  It is called the "Single Mom" moment. 

 Big Cheese and I had been apart since Thing Two was 4 weeks old.  There I was, trying to breast feed a newborn and ripping her off my breast to go rescue Thing One from falling off a couch he had climbed.  I cried on the floor  along with my babies that morning.  Not just from the burning pain in my breast, but because I was alone with two very young children.  It felt surreal, because my plan never included being alone.  Yet there I was crying along with both of my babies wondering if I would ever get through this moment.  I vowed never to be alone with them.  Mami was always there to help out with Thing One.  She kept him entertained while I breast fed, or focused attention on my very newborn Thing Two. When venturing out I always had a friend, a family member, or Mami to help when Thing One would wander off aimlessly as I tried to put Thing Two in her car seat.   

August 2009, was when Thing One turned two.  He had been watching Nick Jr. and a song about the beach came on.  He was hyper focused and would talk incessantly about the beach and how he wanted to go. A mother will do anything for her children who was I to say no. On his birthday I planned to take him to a local beach that was kid friendly called "mother's beach".  It is more of a bay than anything, but they have life guards, and plenty of play things for small children.  I asked Mami to go with me, but she has never been a lover of walking in sand and her mobility was a concern to her.  It was a weekday, which meant all of my friends were working.  Only one thing to do at that point, go with the children by myself.

I packed up the car, planned every minute of that day.  How do I keep them safe?  What if something happens, what is my plan of action?  Self talk that came up a lot: "Breathe, you can do this, it is what Thing One has been looking forward to". 

There were moments in the day when I thought I was going to lose it. Like when Thing Two toppled over in the sand while sitting and got it in her face. In the mad rush to wash her off, Thing One decided to throw a tantrum and not want to go to the water. I must have looked like a mad woman dragging a screaming toddler and carrying a crying baby. Then there was the moment that while in the water Thing One slipped under the shallow water and I couldn’t get his little hand fast enough to pull him up. The look on his face was of fear and relief at the same time. I recognized that look on him because that is how I  had felt most days since Big Cheese had been gone.

Woo Hoo! Let's hear it for tantrums!:

At the end of the day I had a happy Thing One and we all survived our first outing with just the three of us. When I sat down and thought of it all I realized I could do this single mom thing.  Is it hard? By all means YES!  Could I do this alone? YES!

When your a mother, there is no time to fear or to doubt.  Sometimes you just have to face those fears that lay inside your mind and do what your heart is telling you to do for those you love the most.  It means sacrificing and growing.  That day I knew that despite my support system, I could raise these children and that all would be ok, even if it didn't seem like it at that moment. 

I am glad I went through that moment to become a better mother, and to tackle my fears. Since then The Things and I have gone on to many adventures together, just the three of us. No more crying on the floor.

The joy that will forever be burned in my head that day:

Happy Mothers day to all my fearless moms.

What was your "mom" moment?

Inspiring me to write my life story:

First Heart Break

You know in life you always have that first heart break.  It never crossed my mind that Thing Two would experience it from the one man who should carry her heart like a delicate piece of china. Big Cheese broke her heart this weekend and I want to tear his apart for making her feel like that. 

I am typing this with bags and dark circles under my eyes. My heart breaks for my baby girl.  Saturday was her big day.  She got her first ever trophy that day. Big Cheese, no where in sight.  Las Vegas to be precise on his location.  I had a huge discussion with him about this decision. Big Cheese had known about this big day since January when the soccer schedules were given.  I would have seen it as a mere over sight had it not been for the fact that he never backed out of going. 

To top it off, it was his weekend with the Things.  He actually called me to cover for him so that he could go and he would take the next two weekends to be with the children.  I just couldn't believe he was going to miss her big day.  When I reminded him of the day and that I would cover if he still wanted to go, he said "Thanks".  I felt the blood heat up under my skin.  In my head "Thanks" was a brush off of what this would do to my little dolls heart.  I just answered "No need to Thank me, you will need to explain to the Things why you were not there".  Of course I got no answer.

Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things, and this just exacerbated those feelings. He had already let our children witness their father get into my face and yell and call me names in public.  Their little hearts were suffering and all I wanted was some kind of normal for them.  We argued once more before he left.  Big Cheese thought I was just upset because he was going to Las Vegas.  This wasn't like the times before, I wasn't concerned about our family, this time it was our children.   It was a big day, a moment that is fleeting.  It will never be her first trophy ever again.  Las Vegas will always be there, but this moment is gone.  Thing Two now holds the memory of her father being absent from that moment.

You must think by now "Well she is three, she can't possibly remember anything".  All day on Saturday we were busy, happy, or so I thought.  I saw a glimpse of her searching the crowd when she got the trophy, a slight sad look.  I just left it alone, hoping it was just me that saw that look.  Sunday morning as we ate breakfast with no one but her and I eating at the table she uttered the phrase I long feared would come sooner or later, "Mommy, Daddy wasn't at my banquet.  It made me sad.  Zoe had her daddy there".  Her face was sullen and her eyes watered and filled with salty tears that I kissed away for her.  It's all I could do.  I couldn't discount those feelings.  Her little heart was broken. 

Times like these I wish he could see what he does by some of his actions.  The same actions that made me walk away from him. Only this time it was not a 39 year old woman who's heart he broke, it was a three year old sweet vivacious little girl who's heart he broke. 

I was so sad and mad.  Mad that he had the ability to chose his own interest over his children.  How does one make things better?  I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be there and to help both my children heal from all this.  I just hope the happy feelings out weigh those that reside in her heart at this moment.

Why I don't believe in internet dating... ANYMORE

If you don't my stance on dating and the single mom well it goes like this:  I don't have the time, when and where am I suppose to do this?  There you go in a nutshell.  A lot of people have suggested I do online dating.  Then I had a total flashback.

After my divorce ages ago I had no children and the internet dating scene was truly in full swing.  It was the latest in being able to meet that special someone.  Yes people, I was an online dater.  It was an experience to say the least.  Some of my worst dating moments happened during that time.  There is the guy who claimed to work for the FBI and we met for a movie in the afternoon.  He said to forgive him for he had been at a stake out all night therefore couldn't get to a shower before meeting me.  I couldn't hear him to well because I was to busy swatting the flies that were swarming around him.  Then there was the guy who was worried about how he was balding and talked about all the treatments he was considering to keep his hair intact.  I still went out with him a few times and discovered he had white carpets at his home and didn't want much company coming over.  He had a cat and his previous girlfriends picture on the mantle.  If anything gets you out of the mood to make out, it's definitely the ex-girlfriend staring back at you and a cat hissing at you. Also turns out he had a lot of gay friends who he preferred to hang out with.  I wanted to tell him just to come out of the closet already and to stop kidding himself.  So yeah, it was a nightmare at some points.

I do have to say I did meet some great people online.  There was The Frog who I dated for a good part of 3 years.  I still remain friends with his family and I hear from him occasionally.  Then I met a few platonic friends who I ended up setting up with friends.  Like my guy friend "Happy Smile" who I set up with my co-worker "Lovey".  They have now been married for a good part of 10 years and have two beautiful children.  So maybe using the internet to meet other people is not in the words of Bobby Bouche's mother on The Water Boy "DA DEVIL". 

So after much debate in my head I put myself out there.  Online dating, yes people I took another stab at it.  Before you  all get all "well isn't it costly?"  "You need to be cautious" I did a free dating site.  I put it out there 6 months ago.  Just wrote the general witty stuff I'm known for, posted a decent picture and let it marinate.

I have had a few hits, a few messages, nothing too spectacular.  I have also had a few lurkers and men with OTHER intentions.  So for the most part my profile out on the site as a security.  Something to fall back on when I am ready.  In the mean time I've met a slew of platonic male friends who tell me that my time will come, that I'm funny, they give me that boost.  I am ok with that.  Then there are those friends who say "you should meet my friend, blah blah blah"  and well nothing usually has come out of that.  So dating seriously is still non-existent for me.

Now down to why I really don't believe in the online dating.  In my inbox on Wednesday was a standard message from the website I signed up for.  The title was "We have matches for you".  So out of curiosity I checked it, couldn't hurt to see what they had in mind for me.  I had previously stipulated what type of person I was looking for and what my needs where, so obviously it could possibly be a match, right?! 

There it was staring at me when I opened the email.  A picture of a face I new all too well.  A person I knew for a good 6 years.  A person who I had just seen that morning.  Big Cheese was my number one match. I had to do a double take. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Really?  I did not need to read the profile, I did not need a first date to know that this was not right.  We tried for years to make it work and two kids later, it still did not work. 

PFFFSSSHHHH!  I quit internet dating!  They know nothing! 

Have you ever tried internet dating?  How has it worked out for you?

My Newest addiction...

I have a coffee addiction, it's no big secret.  I have two kids under the age of five, it's a MUST in my case.  I can barely keep up with them.  I also can't keep up with the rate that these rug rats are growing out of clothing. 

One week the jeans fit the next week it's as if they are expecting a GIANT flood. It is very hard on a single mom's budget to keep up with these growing children.  Not only is it hard on the budget, but on the mountains and mountains of clothes Thing One and Thing Two can go through in a year just piles.  I have given plenty of clothes away to close friends who's children are close behind my two.  Somehow I can't around to getting rid of the clothes fast enough.  I've done consignment shops, particularly Children's Orchard. 

Consignment shops are a great idea, you take in your gently used clothes into the shop to sell and you get either store credit or cash back.  They normally give you more in store credit and I've had some great finds.  I got a great Children's Place denim jacket for Thing One for a lot less and in great condition.  The only problem I have with this consignments shop is that for clothing you are limited to making appointments with a buyer and it can be months out before I get the clothes sold. By then I have a whole new batch of clothes that have been grown out of.  Not only that but they have the oddest hours and the closest one to me is only opened during my work hours.  I work about an hour away, so there goes that idea.  I do however like the fact that I can take a lot of my large items, like high chairs, strollers, larger toys and not have an appointment for those.

So that still leaves me with children's clothes in the garage and I'm beginning to resemble a hoarder (YIKES).  Donating is a great tax deduction, but to be honest I need money for larger clothes quickly and this can't wait until the end of the year. I recently received a great invitation via email from my friend "C".  She has three growing kids and loves clothes just about as much as I do.  So what to do with this obsession?  Easy, that's when a virtual online swamping of boxes of clothes and other things that have been outgrown.  It's a consignment shop online and it's the easiest thing I've ever done.  I signed up to ThredUp in December and to date four boxes full of gently used clothes are making some other children happy and some mom or dad is grateful they didn't have to spend a fortune on clothes.

I received two great boxes full of clothing that my children loved.  You can also post request for items you are in search of.  I am currently ISO (In Search Of) some gently used soccer cleats for my Things.  At 30 dollars a pop for new ones times 2, well that's just too much. 

If you are interested in learning more and want to save a whole lot of MULA, get uncluttered, and save the planet (ok you knew I was going to throw that in there) please click on the link below to learn more.  It's so simple that a busy working single mom of two under two can do it!  So go on...click:
ThredUp and save. Click HERE! :)

Gender bender...

This giant sign has been the bane of my existence these days.  Thing one gets very perplexed now when we have to use public restrooms.  He looks at the sign in which we are entering and exclaims "BUT I'M NOT A GIRL!!".  *SIGH*  Each and every single time, same conversation. 

This new behavior and observation has come to be since he started preschool.  He is now very aware of his gender. "I am a boy momma."  I hear this over and over every time I try to inch him into the "girl" restroom.  The whole time he is pulling towards the "boy" bathroom that is inches away.  This scenario could make anyone chuckle, but to me it is the reminder that I am a single mother raising a son. It's also a reminder that there are occasions in which I have to sit and explain to Thing One that:

1. He cannot do some things, because mom is not capable of going into the male restroom with him, because well I am a girl. AND
2. I don't have a male counterpart that could take him or do some of the things he desires to do. " You can't go by yourself son, you are 4!"

I don't even have a dad or brother to even say "you take him". Those moments I am aware of how important it is for him to have a good male example around.  He has Big Cheese during the week, but there are those moments when he is with Mami, Thing Two, and I that I wish I could let him in that "boy" restroom with someone trusted. 

So for now I just try my best to give him other options for restrooms.  Like the family restroom, or the Male/Female restroom above. I do a lot of speaking with him and try to get him to understand that for now, when he is with Mommy he is stuck in a female world.  But this will only last for so long.  I am trying my best to get some positive male role models in his and my life.  I am lucky to have friends with husbands who are willing to help and that is a sigh of relief at times. 

Thing One does a bring a smile to my face when he exclaims "You're not a girl! You're a Mommy"

My take away from all this is :  Don't let the limitations hinder you, learn from them. 

Believe me I'M TRYING. *sigh*

What's in a word?

So, lately I have been reading a lot about being a single parent and all that entails. I think I'm really getting confused. I KNOW that I don't have a partner in my love life, that's an obvious YES. The problem comes when I read about "single" parents who are truly "single".

While I was struggling with a newborn and a 17 month old baby on my own I did very much feel like a single parent. Big Cheese would do the occasional visit and sometimes take Thing One for a few hours to where he was at. Still, it left me quite alone going crazy and knowing that the kids depended solely on me. It took almost two years until Big Cheese and I could come up with a comparable arrangement for both of us to have the children a reasonable amount of time. It also took two years of struggling about how we would divide financial responsibility with regards to our children. It has been a long road, and I am pretty sure there will be bumps in the road ahead but at least the lines of communication are opened.

Those first two years I did honestly feel like a "single" parent. I really didn't have that much support from the children's father emotionally or financially. He was there but very rarely for the kids. It was really rough and I thought back to those days and reflected to where we are now.

I feel "single parent" has the connotation for me as being alone with no help from the other parent at all, and doing it ALL on your own. The truth is I am not alone. I am blessed at the moment to have Big Cheese very involved with the raising of the children. He sees the children almost on a daily basis and every other weekend they spend the night at his home. He comes to special functions for the children's activities. He calls them to speak to them when they are not with him. We have figured out who pays for what and when one of us is short the other can't cover the spending the other compensates. We discuss about what we want for the kids in the future and how we should plan ahead for them with money, etc.

Somehow we have gotten to the point that we are no longer single parents. We have started to become like any other set of parents, except for the fact that there is no romance and we have two different homes. So I guess this is where I feel the term "single parent" doesn't work for me. I'm thinking "co-parent" works much better for me. We aren't married, but we definitely want what's best for our children. So I am no longer riding the roller coaster of single parenting. I am riding the roller coaster of co-parenting.

*insert cheesy smile HERE*

Mi Mami...

Ok so it's been busy, busy, busy for this momma.  I have left you guys neglected.  For good reason, between  new duties at work, taking care of my babies, and my momma, well something had to give.


The one thing I could not do was leave you without a mother's day post.  So here I am, a mommy blogger writing what seems like an eternity to get to this point.  What point do you ask?  Well it's simple, the total appreciation of my Mami. Mami is a hard as nails type of mom.  My relationship with her has always been difficult.  I was always daddy's little girl.  She was always very hard on me.  Until recently I realized why she was like this with me. 

Mami's own relationship with her mother, my grandmother was rather strained.  She grew up thinking that her mother was her sister and that her grandmother was her mom.  When her grandmother died when she was 12, the same age I was when I lost my dad.  This is the moment she found out that what she had always known as secure and loving was gone.  I can see now why she was not that kissy lovey mom, she didn't know how. 

Her struggles being a teen mom and having her two oldest children taken from her by their fathers in a time when a woman living in a latin country had basically no rights, may have shaped her as well.  Later when she had thought she found someone to truly love her and raise a family with, he let her down and left her and my dear sister.  This is the pivotal moment in her life when she truly became the mom I now know.  She knew no one in the United States, but she wanted a better life for her and my sister and took an airplane with money she had saved for years and headed to her future home.  One word comes to mind when I think of her....TENACITY. 

How does someone go through all that she did only to pick themselves up and move forward?  That's easy, the love she had for her child.  Like I said she is not demonstrative and that always made me feel like maybe she didn't love me.  When Sarge died, I would hear her cry night after night, but she never let me know exactly how hard it was.  She didn't have a job, she had me to raise, and still had a house payment, yet I knew nothing of that.  I always had food in my belly, new clothes for school, a roof over my head, and the latest gadget that my little heart desired.  She would babysit the neighborhood kids at home so that she would always be home for me when I got home.  She knew I needed security.  She may not have kissed me enough, or hugged me enough, but she taught me to be the woman I am now.

When things get tough with the kids and being a single mom, I think about Mami and all she went through.  She taught me to hold my head high and never fall apart even when inside you are.  Thank you for toughening me up and letting Sarge nurture my softer side.  Your love has taught me that there are different ways people express there love, and their is no right way to love. 

I may be the kissy huggy mom to my kids, but I am also the first one to discipline them.  My Mami taught me that you can love your children, but you need to prepare them for the future.  Thank you Mami for being my fortress and my example.  On a side note, she is the most kissable, huggable Abi (grandma) ever! 

Whatever your love language is, express it always and forever.  Happy Mother's Day!

Te quiero Mami, gracias por tu amor infinito.

The Solution...for now

Last week was really rough.  I didn't even have motivation to write.  As many of us did, I was glued to the news about what was going on in in Japan with the earthquake, the Tsunami and all of the devastation and loss of lost ones.  I was also going through a tough time coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to do what was best for my children.  Previously I had mentioned that Thing One was needing his father more than what he normally was use to.  It has progressed into a little bit more of stress induced bed wetting and has put this mommy's heart into a spin.  No one likes to see their child go through pain. 

Big Cheese and I have had no custody agreements or visitation set up by the courts, we have just agreed for the most part on what works for the kids at the time.  It has worked more or less until now.  Big Cheese has a work schedule that fluctuates every 6 months and we have to revisit how we are going to make arrangements with the kids and such.  He rarely has had the babies over night, because he works nights.  However he does get two days off of work and he for the most part has not asked to have them stay over night.  This has worked because of the simple fact that our children were still very young. 

Thing One has been asking for more time with Big Cheese.  I brought this to Big Cheese's attention in hopes that discussing it we could come up with a solution on having both children visit over night.  It has been a battle since I brought this up.  Two weeks ago Big Cheese promised to spend a Sunday into Monday with the children.  The week before this was to happen Big Cheese informed me at Thing One's soccer game that he was not going to be in town the next week.  That very moment I was sent into mad insane anger.  Thing One had already been told that he and Thing Two were going to their Daddy's house.  One thing I cannot handle very well is that my child be disappointed by something completely preventable. 

I took action and put my foot down.  Some call it spiteful, some may even call it vindictive, but I had to do what I had to for my children's sake.  The Monday following his "vacation"  I informed him that I was no longer allowing him to see the children all week as we had previously planned.  He had always said that he did not want to have the children over the weekend because: 1.  He spent all week with them Monday through Friday and he needed a break.  and 2. I always did stuff with the kids on the weekend anyway.  I explained it to him that if he thought he was spending too much time with them that we could cut his visitation to one day a week and every other weekend. 

I saw shock in his face.  My stomach churned from the stress of the decision I had come to.  I was uneasy with it, I wanted what was best for my children and I felt as if I was being cornered to make decisions based on the inability of others to see the whole picture.  Somehow coming to this decision empowered me a bit because even though he was angry and my children had to adjust to the change, I was trying to do what was right by my children.  I could see if this was a battle for time for myself(which I need from time to time) how this can be seen as wrong.  Mostly I was doing it for Thing One and his struggle to come to terms with separate homes.  That made me able to get through all the turmoil in my head. 

Wednesday came and Big Cheese picked up the children.  Thursday he returned to the babysitters home to pick up the children.  He again was shocked that I wasn't going to allow him to take the children.  Big Cheese called and I stood my ground and explained as to why I was doing what I was doing.  He started to cry and tell me that he could not stand seeing the children cry when he left them and that he loved them.  This is when I believe my point came across.  "I go through that same feeling every time you promise our children you will be there, and then you dont' come through".  The silence after that statement was deafening. We actually calmed down and talked about having the kids go over to his home every other weekend.  I even asked if he needed time to himself during the week so that I could make arrangements to have the baby sitter take the children more days.  To my surprise he said no, I'm ok. 

My head stopped spinning, my heart was happier.  Not only was I being heard, but I was being heard because of the love we both share for our children.  I would say it was a great moment for us.  Co-parenting is not an easy thing.  People get hurt, children get hurt, but when it works for the best my heart sings.

Have you ever gone through a difficult time co-parenting?  How did things ultimately work out?

Taking my breath away

Thing One having a good day with Big Cheese. 

I knew that someday I was going to get questions from the Things about why Mommy and Daddy were in different homes. In my imaginary world I was hoping that this would NEVER come up since Thing One was 18 months old and Thing Two was 4 weeks old when we split up. Thing Two has never known really what it was like to live with Big Cheese, all she knows is two homes and she gets to see him Monday through Friday for a couple of hours. Thing One did however miss Big Cheese the first months he was gone from the house. He would often go and knock on the door to the garage, where he could find Big Cheese in his man cave. He would yell out “DADDY!”, his little mouth would droop down to a pout when he got no answer. It would break my heart when he would do that. Eventually Big Cheese and I set up a time and date for him to see the children, and things were ok for sometime and Thing One became adjusted to the routine.

For the past three weeks Thing One has been really whining a lot. He has not been as complacent to go to the baby sitters in the morning. He clings on for dear life and tells me “I want to stay home, pwease call daddy!”. I figured he was just going through a latent separation anxiety stage. I thought back to the day all this whining started. Then it clicked, it was the day in his Gymboree Sports class when I was the only Mommy there. All his friends had their Daddies. He turned to me and asked “Where Daddy?” I lied to him, I hated doing it, but I did. “He’s at work honey”. Big Cheese was actually home or out with his brother, watching a sports event on television, drinking beer. I had often asked him to try and do every other weekend with the kids, for their sake and for mine. He just told me not to tell him what to do and how to run his life. Big Cheese emphasized that he had things to do for himself, like laundry, on his days off. I was infuriated with that answer because in my mind parenting is not just Monday through Friday and things can get done with children around. Is it harder to do, yes. Is it impossible, no. I eventually let go of the idea of the children going to see Big Cheese every other weekend.

Last week I was teaching Thing One his last name and that we all have last names. We went down the list of his family. Big Cheese, Grandpa Cheese, Nana Cheese, Big Brothers Cheese, Thing Two, and Thing One, all had the last name “Olivas”. Thing One then asked about my last name. His little eyebrow furrowed when I told him my last name. He searched my face for an answer and questioned “You not Mommy Olivas?” I just responded quickly and simply “No, mommy is Gomez”. He still looked for more in my face. I moved on to another topic. Then later that night as I put him to bed he asked, with his very big sad baby brown eyes staring at me “Why Daddy not sleep here mommy?”. That one question took my breath away. I had to get my breath back and just had to remind him that we had different houses. I just gave simple answers to not so simple questions.

I think it is harder for me to explain it to Thing One, because I know what it is like to miss a father. I know exactly how painful that is, to know you can’t see Daddy for one reason or another and to really need that part of you. I lost my daddy at 12, and he was the best daddy ever. Even though I have my opinions of Big Cheese and his parenting style, it doesn’t stop the fact that Thing One thinks the world of him and needs him. This is why it is painful for me to explain the simple terms as to why his Daddy isn’t always there. I guess in time it will get better and I just need to trust that I am doing the right thing for him and his sister.

I am hoping this is just a phase and I will see a happier Thing One soon.

The moment you know...you are not alone

June 2007.  I was holding the phone and almost let it slip out of my hand.  It almost fell out of my hand because my hands were shaking from shock, distress, hurt and just plain astonishment.  On the other side of the line was Big Cheese telling me he would not be able to come to Lamaze with me because he had just signed up for softball and he wasn't going to let his fees for that go to waste on a dumb class.  I was a first time mom, scared out of my mind.  I didn't know what to expect with labor and as always I wanted to be prepared.  Big Cheese just grunted on the other side of the line.  This should have been my first major red flag for things to come.  We hung up and my big pregnant emotional self cried.  I cried because one, I was hormonal and two, I didn't have the support I thought I did in Big Cheese. 

Not going to the class was not an option for me. The class required another person to be there, the person you trusted the most to be there to see you in all your glory and pain.  The person who wouldn't care that I would yell at them to stop breathing on me (yes I did that).My friend  "T" was the only person I knew that had the time to go with me and would be a great confident.  The call was pretty nerve racking to make.  How do I approach this?  I mean come on, it's not everyday that a friend says "Hey could you help me out while I squeeze out a watermelon out of my vajayjay".  The conversation ultimately went like this: 

Me: Big Cheese can't go to Lamaze with me  *SIGH*  *CRY*
T:  When is it?
Me: Wednesdays from 7 - 9 for two weeks
T:  I will go with you.

It was that simple.  I didn't need to ask in any particular way, I didn't have to explain why Big Cheese was being an idiot and putting me on the back burner when I needed him most.  T knew, she knew like any good friend would have known.  She knew I was scared, she knew I was upset, she knew I was hurt.  When you have friends like that you don't need a big explanation the heart just knows.  Just like she knew how much it hurt me when I walked into the room and realized I was the only woman at Lamaze without a male partner there. 

She was there bright and early when the moment came to coach me through my scary moment.  She didn't quite make it through to see Thing One being born. She passed out right at the point I was going to push, Big Cheese took over at that moment and saw me the rest of the way through.  A year later she was there to see Thing Two being born, no passing out this time.  T has been the source of my strength many times when I have no idea if I am doing the right thing by my children.  She sees me through dark moments when all I want to do is be angry and cry from both sadness and frustration.  I can't say enough about the times she has sacrificed her time to take my kids to their Gymboree class when I need a break.  She loves my kids as if they were her own.  No words can ever express the gratitude I feel for her.  She picked up where Big Cheese failed me. 

I may not have the male counterpart in my life to help me through this thing called parenthood but I have T.  Every single parent needs that source of support and I am glad there are people like T around. By the way T, you have 7 more years until Thing One's 10th birthday and your tetanus shot is due.

Who besides your family is a source of support when it comes to raising children and raising you as a mother?

Moms date?!?! HOW?

Most Moms I know lead really busy lives. You have kids to shuffle off to day care, school, etc. You have to deal with tantrums, homework, and extracurricular activities that you need to hurry off to. If your married, you need to fit in time with the hubby and sharing of the parenting. Now imagine if you were single and had to do that and DATE??!!! *GULP*

At the ripe age of 40 I never imagined that I would be a single mom. I thought I would be one of those happily adjusted married folks with kids. WRONG! Life happens, you choose a partner unwisely (in my case the culprit was beer and Jack and coke), it happens. I have been a single mom for close to two years now, and I haven't really put any thought into dating. Why? Well that's easy to answer, I'm knee deep into toddlerhood. Before two toddlers I was a hot mess. I had two babies 17 months apart and I could barely get a comb through my hair, let alone TRY to look attractive. My life revolved around a constant diaper change.

My thoughts and energy have been focused on Thing One and Thing Two. So this is going to sound silly, but I have no idea how to date or even put myself out there! I have been out of the game for at least a good 5 years now. First, it takes so much time and energy just to date. Getting to know the other person, the calling, the whole dance, HELLO?! When exactly am I supposed to do that? I barely make it to 9:30 pm on any given weekend and I am already nodding off to bed. Not to mention that every weekend I have is spent with the children since Big Cheese couldn't possibly take them on weekends.

Then there is that part of me that worries. The whole dilemma about when is it right to date? When do the kids get introduced? Do you introduce them at all? Does this person have a criminal record? What if the kids get attached and it doesn't work out? I can handle me being hurt, but the kids?? That last thought just kills me. UGGGG!!! Seriously, I thought I wouldn't have to go through the insanity of dating while raising kids.

So the other night out of curiosity I went on a dating site and chatted with a few gentlemen (I use the term loosely) and I swear I felt drained. Just by the questions What do you look like? Kids? Married? divorced? age? Area you live? It was like the spanish inquisition and I hadn't even gotten a drink out of it to ease the pain!

I don't know how some single moms are able to date, I was exhausted just in the few minutes I put myself out there. Maybe I'm just not ready to handle dating drama alongside toddler tantrums. I get lonely sometimes and I would love to have someone take care of me as a woman while I take care of my children's needs. I just don't think I have the energy level and patience it takes to date at this moment. I'm hoping that some day I will. Single moms, how do you balance a dating life with the life of a mommy? Am I over thinking this or will there come a time when I will figure it all out. Advice please....

Defining a Family

Mami got Thing Two a doll house for her birthday. I finally got around to putting it together and putting it out for Thing One and Thing Two to play with. While I was putting the pieces together Thing One kept saying "I want brother!" I was wondering what he was referring to. Once I put the doll house out Thing One raced over with Thing Two to play with it. This is the moment he picked the male figure and said "See, the brother"
What is funny is that I'm sure that the maker of the toy meant the male, the female, and the baby to represent a nuclear family (Mom, Dad, Child). That is the way I was viewing them. Maybe I was reflecting on the dynamic of my own family: Sarge, Mami and I. It was bitter sweet to me that Thing One did not see what I saw in those figures. I truly wanted to give my two children a mom and a dad under the same roof. Instead Thing One's definition of his family was a Mom, a brother, and a sister.

I have started to accept the reality of what I can give to my children as I look around and see that there are several definitions of family. Some are grandparents raising a grandchild. Some are partners of the same sex raising children. Some are single parents raising one or many children. Whatever the dynamic, I'm glad that Thing One was able to identify his own family better than I could. Whatever your definition of family, a child will most definitely know where they belong and how much they are loved.

Here is a story for you to retell... I have a heart that bleeds

I have spilled my feelings of rage, anger, sadness, happiness and loneliness all over pages and pages of blogs, journals, and posts on my facebook page, just to have them come back to me as a dagger. My own words twisted and retorted as vicious gossip that is told to Big Cheese.  Big Cheese is not the type to figure out that some people don't have your best interest at heart.  They use these words to spin drama, to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  They do this to stir feelings of chaos for their own enjoyment. 

Now, I'm sure that maybe some of the things that get reported back to Big Cheese of the things are innocently mentioned.  I am not a complete idiot about things like this happening.  I am after all a fairly reasonably person.  Big Cheese is known for making me feel like everything is my fault, that I decided to have a split family.  Despite my many attempts at reconnecting my whole fantasy of a traditional family, despite the numerous times I have set aside my pride, the very fiber of who I am to do this.  So don't think I know that this may be the case.  Do me a favor, when you retell the story show the whole scenario.

Have I felt lonely and sad, yes, yes I have.  I want a big shoulder to cry on to tell me that I am doing ok as a mom, as a woman as a freakin' human being. I want to have a friend in the person I am with.  Big Cheese, I know tries, but there is a huge disconnect in our relationship.  He has been holding on to things that happened when we were dating.  Things that I am not proud of doing. I have apologized, I have tried to move to the present.  I have even disregarded his mistakes during my pregnancy.  He can't let go, he is still angry.  It may not be outwardly apparent, but he lets it all out when we argue.  I can't keep living in the past, my children deserve two happy parents to raise them. 

Like I said I take responsibility for my part in the failure of this relationship, I'm no angel.  I have however vowed to be true to my children.  I have not introduced to anyone I may start dating, because simply put there is no one.  I respect myself to know that this is not a good time for me to even consider that.  Do I desire that attention? Sure, who wouldn't.   I am first and foremost a mother of two young children who deserve my attention right now.  Maybe down the road I can revisit that place as the woman I want to be.  I want to be "that" person for someone and they can be that for me, for now I am ok with just me and the kids. Big Cheese can't meet me half way and talk to me like an adult.  He resorts to insults and raising of his voice.  I will not let him bring me down and make me feel like this is all of my fault. Just because I told him to leave, does not give him the right to blame me for all of it and not take responsibility for his part.

I leave my future in this and any other relationship in God's hands.  I can't do anything else.  I often feel defeated in that department.  Still I pick myself up and dust off and move forward.  Why?  Well here is the simple answer:

So if you want to retell false truths remember this, your words and gossip affects more than just me.  It's like throwing a pebble into a pond, the ripples get bigger and you hurt more than one person with greater intensity.  If that makes you sleep better at night, so be it.  Just do me a favor, sign up to my RSS feed so you can get all the information correct and show him what you read instead of interpretting it on your own. 

Thanks a lot! May you find peace of heart.
 

My plate flowth over...

No, this is not a post about how well my Thanksgiving went and what I ate.  It has everything to do with what made me snap the other night and what has been building up in the internal emotions that is Dooritos.

Every year the community center in my city has a tree lighting ceremony. I wanted the Things to see this.  I like them to participate in the community.  What I didn't expect was the feelings that would overwhelm me when we finally got there.  It started the moment I went to pick them up from the baby sitter and get them and Mami into the car.

As soon as I got home, I made sure Mami was ready to go.  She asked "de que hija?" (For what my daughter).  I was stressed from work and to come home to someone not ready to go frazzled me.  "UFF" I urged her to get ready quickly as I went across the street to get the kids.  Everyone was packed in the car and we got there barely able to squeeze into the building.

Both kids were honary, throwing themselves on the floor with any type of suggestion to stand by me.  Mami looked stressed, I was stressed.  Mami has limited mobility so really the only one that could keep up with these types of moments is me.  I tried to take a few pictures of the Things by the tree before they lit it, and of course the camera battery had died! I had to pull out my blackberry to take pictures and this is what happened:

Liliana "I get tree!"

Please look over here!

Halfway decent shot

Losing it

Right after this and during the singing, both kids layed on the floor and screamed.  I want the tree! I want outside! I want present!  I lost it in the middle of  "Hark the Angels Sing".  My "angels" were not singing, mine were SCREAMING.  In my head I was doing the very same thing.  I picked them up kicking and screaming dragged them out and just gave Mami that look of "WE ARE OUT!!".  The whole time driving home both Things  were screaming "BACK! BACK!" There was no way, they were done, and I was done.

As soon as we got home I put both kids to bed and sat exhausted, drained and with very little energy for much more.  I cried.  I cried because I never planned to do this without someone there with me. Not only for the kids but for me as well.  I have been stressed, spread thinnly in my time, and I was thinking Wonder Woman, but in reality I'm not.  I'm just a single mom with two very busy toddlers and an aging mom, who all ask a lot of my time from me.  So that very moment with all the things that I had piled on my plate something had to give.  The corn gibblets, the gravy, the bun, the whole "shibang" came tumbling down.  I felt very lonely and the tears just poured.  I let it all spill out on my facebook page and the most spectacular thing happened.  Other single mom's could relate and told me I would be ok. I needed that hug, even if it was virtual.  Thank you friends.

After this lovely treat :

Yes, that is a rice crispy treat and a glass of wine! 

I was able to breath and move forward to the next morning.  I kissed my babies and even though I am alone and stressed, I know I'm not the only single mom that goes through this and hey I've known some married mom's who have that slow come apart moment. Have you as a parent had a come apart moment?

Breaking up with Sleeping Beauty!

While I was pregnant with Thing One everyone told me to take advantage of being able to sleep at anytime and to my heart's content. I accepted that soon I would be on a newborns sleep schedule and not my own. What I didn't realize was that sleep deprivation would go far beyond the first couple of months of Thing One's life.Thing One is quickly approaching 3 years old. That will mark the 3 years I have had very little and sporadic sleep.

Sarge always called me Sleeping Beauty. Since a very young age I can remember really enjoying sleeping in and taking an occasional naps, just because. Sarge said I had a voracious appetite to sleep just like him. Sometimes in the afternoon it would be a time to lounge in the living room, just because we were tired and needed a nap. Teenage years didn't fare any better. Unless I had a cheer competition or practice to go to, I would sleep until noon if I could. Into my young adulthood I had much time between getting married and going to school to sleep whenever and wherever. I guess you can say that I had my fair share of sleeping, because the lack of sleep I was in for may make up for the times I slept my life away.

Thing One has always been a pretty good sleeper since about 5 months of age. I could always predict his naps and the length of them. Unless it was the occasional illness or tooth coming in, it was not much that I didn't expect from his sleeping patterns. He can actually sleep through a train wreck, earthquake, leaf blower, vacum cleaner, etc...

When I found out I was pregnant with Thing Two, I knew there would be again nights with very little sleep, especially since Thing One would only be a mere 17 months old. I had no idea what I was in for.  Thing Two was definitely a different child with different patterns and unpredictability.  She was 6 months old before we could get through a night without several hours of screaming off and on through the night.  She is the type of child you have to have a quiet room for.  Any motion, wind blowing, whispering, tip toeing she is able to detect.  Pediatrician said she would grow out of this, I'm still waiting for that moment and it's been a year since then.  So you can imagine that sleep is a luxury now.  Thing One being the busy little guy that he is does not know the word "ssshhhhhh!" So Thing Two is startled and cries until she can come down from her fright. 

Not only are the Thing's different types of sleepers but they also have not fallen into that in sync nap schedule I had hoped they would after age one for Thing One.  I have tried to follow suggestions for naptime schedules with no success.  Thing One will take one big nap at noon for about 2 1/2 hours. Thing Two will break up her nap into two 1 1/2 hour naps at sporadic times in the morning and afternoon. 

 Most mom's can get both kids down and do things, not me.  As soon as one is down, the other is up.  Frustrating on some days when Thing One requires all of my attention (She is a diva of sorts. :P)  I swear there are nights when Thing One and Thing Two conspire to keep me up most nights.  I hear them babbling to each other at times.  It's almost as if they are saying "ok, I wake up with a nightmare, then you cry once I go to sleep. Let's see what happens."  What happens most times is I am up sporadically through the night.  I have tried to ignore, but ignoring only makes Thing Two grow louder.  Thing One will occasionally get up and go and find me in the room. 

I have a natural tendency to have dark circle around my eyes, but I am now making racoons jealous! Geez!  I have been known to fall asleep on the couch while in the middle of folding clothes only to be awakened by the scream of Thing Two because her brother is hitting her so that she doesn't turn the T.V. off.  I have also been awakened by Thing One's chubby little fingers poking my eyes and lifting my eyelids and saying "wake up momma!".   I practically jump for joy when I have more than 6 hours of sleep at night or the times both of them nap at the same time.  This is the life of a mother I suppose, but being a single mom, there really isn't anyone else to say "Hey can you take over the reigns, while I catch some zzzz's?".  So for now me and Sleeping Beauty have broken up, I have welcomed Zombies. Bring on the late night infomercials so I can spend money!

 

Single Awareness Day

Saturday was a very interesting day for me.  The family was celebrating my grandmother's 88th birthday and my aunt's 60th and 65th birthday.  I haven't seen a lot of family members since having Thing Two and splitting from Big Cheese.  So in a way this was my own coming out party.

I was dreading it all day before going.  I guess in a way it makes me uncomfortable to have to explain that yes, I am a single mom.  I am the last of all the cousins my age to have kids, most of them have teenagers now.  So to top it off my kids were the babies and all eyes were on them.  Most days I don't mind being the center of attention but that day was one I was dreading.

The time came closer and Mami, The Things, and I headed over to the long trek of getting to the party.  It was about an hour away, but it felt like it was longer.  Why was I so anxious?  I guess it stems back to my fantasy of having a family unit that involved a mother and father, and children.  It probably was also because I didn't feel like hearing the questions "Why?, What happened?, Are you ok?"  UGH! Did I really want to answer all those questions. 

I am just now getting comfortable with just being me and the kids. Some days I admit I have a huge hole in my heart that I can't give my children what they deserve, a whole family.  Other days I get frustrated at not having a partner to lean on when both kids are sick or fussy, or just plain honorary and testing boundaries.  I am the sole person involved in disciplining them.  Big Cheese is good about doing it when he has the kids with him, but it's not the same as when there are the same rules and the same household.   I often feel very alone in raising the two of my Things.  I love them, and that's what get's me through the day most of the time.  Especially when Thing One comes over randomly and says "kiss mama" and plants a big one.  Thing Two makes it special when she just wants to cuddle with me and nothing else in the world will do for her at that time. 

I had to reflect on those times with Things One and Two to get me through the whole, "Yes, I'm a single Mom.  No, It didn't work out.  I am fine and so are the kids. Yes, he is involved with them, and I am ok with that".  After all the chatting with family members briefly with no details, I felt like a whole bunch of weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

It is always tough to admit to family that not all is right in your world.  It's also not an easy thing to do single parenting, but I'm glad that it's out and that all are supportive.  I will always have fears as a parent, especially a single parent I just need to learn to accept my circumstances and let people in to help on occasion and to move ahead with Thing One and Thing Two because they deserves so much. :)   <3

My journey into single parenthood

My entire life I have had that fairy tale in my head. The princess finds her prince, he sets her up in a castle, they have a boy and a girl, and live happily ever after. I'm sueing Disney for my trip into Fantasy Land! Ok, maybe not but it sure does sound good!



Let's start from 1994 I think I find Prince Charming and get married at the ripe old age of 23. I think I have it all figured out, what I want from him, what I am willing to do for him, etc. Everything goes smoothly until about year 3 into our marriage. Communication broke down between the two of us, and frankly I think I was immature and not ready for all that a marriage brought with it. I did try my best to keep it together, we split up for a few months. Once we got back together I was willing to put it all on the line, because frankly I still wanted the dream of a family. So two more years go by, everything is running smoothly and we decide that we want to have kids. We try for our own for about 6 months and NOTHING. I kept trying to convince my then Prince Charming to come to the doctor with me so we could figure out what exactly is it that we were doing wrong. Six more months pass before the Prince decides to go with me. It turns out that not only was it going to be difficult for me to get pregnant, but that the Prince was having difficulty producing the magic beans needed for the little sprout. Cut to 2000, we have lost communication, any type of conversation ends up in crying and silence. The difficulties in conceiving a child get the best of him, even when I try to explain this was "our" problem and not his to bear alone. The Prince alienates me and we end up in divorced.



Devastated by the loss of a marriage, sink myself into a self discovery time. The year 2002, I meet the Frog. The Frog is by all means fun, spontaneous, and just what I needed at that very moment. We go out and travel, have a great time going bar hopping, enjoy going out with friends to many different activities. The Frog had a little tadpole, and I loved the whole package. Again the fairy tale in my head swirled. The year 2004 I found out I had a little tadpole on the way, but The Frog was less than happy. The Frog still wanted to go an venture off and do things with me, but not with another tadpole in tow. My heart sank and I was crushed. Mami (my mother) was less than supportive as well. She did not like the idea of a child out of wedlock and especially since she was less than fond of The Frog. First doctor's appointment, no heartbeat. I was more than crushed, I was in the worst grief in the world. I could only think, this was my last chance at little chips in my future.



The year 2005 The Frog is in my life, as a friend. He would not want it this way but up to this point his focus was not a family it was a life partner. I wanted both, but I was losing hope. I am 34 at this point and not even close to a partner, so why would I even think of a child. In my head logically I had seperated the thought of ever having children and resolved to be the happy aunt everyone loved. It was hard to attend baby showers at this point or to even hold a child. Still I moved forward with my life.



Later that year set on just being me and moving ahead I meet Big Cheese. Big Cheese is someone I had always known about but never quite taken a good hard look at. One night my friends and I are attending the company baseball game and somehow he catches my attention. I mention this to my friend "C", she immediately get's focuse as she always does and makes it known that I am interested in Big Cheese. Embarrassed, but ready to embrace something new I call Big Cheese. We were talking a lot by phone, and never quite were able to mesh schedules at this point. I mention this to "C" at the next company baseball game. This I remembe vividly, "C" says "You and Big Cheese would make cute babies!". What????? I'm just talking to Big Cheese no one mentioned anything about babies!!??? I was not ready for that, at least my heart was not ready to embrace that, not after losing the tadpole and being crushed. I kept saying day by day, hour by hour. I couldn't look ahead I was just thinking of the here and now.



December 2006, UCLA beats USC! WOO HOO! Big Cheese and I celebrate! He had said a few weeks before that "we should have a baby". Again my jaw dropped, what? Seriously?



January 2007, I go to the doctor for what I think is a stomach flu, Big Cheese suspects I am pregnant. I am in denial, I don't want to think about that. I don't want to be happy and then sad two minutes later. Pee in a cup.... POSITIVE. The shock is just running through my whole body again and I feel I have to throw up. The doctor comes in and I tell her about the tadpole, and that I am spotting like I was with the tadpole before I found out there was no heartbeat. I suspect the doctor saw the sheer terror I had in my eyes and said "Let's take a look". Out comes the dreaded sonogram machine. I think any other woman waiting to be pregnant would have been excited. I was terrified. "Look the heart is beating right there" I could feel the warmth of my tears sliding down my face. I'm worried throughout my pregnancy that my dream may not come true of having a child.

August 2007, Thing One, a boy, makes his arrival and I couldn't be happier. The Big Cheese is more than happy and all is well at this point. I start to feel that Fantasy Land is not that far away. The pressures of being new parents, and moving in become a constant battle. Big Cheese and I can barely keep it together. Thing One is such a joy, that it keeps me from thinking the worst of Big Cheese. I don't want Thing One to be an only child, I grew up like that, and it was quite lonely. I tell Big Cheese, I want another baby. Big Cheese is dead set against it. He has two sons from a previous relationship and can never see himself being the Big Cheese to four children. I am sadden, but I continue to try and think of just a family of three.

May 2008, Big Cheese and I think it's time to rekindle the romance and take a vacation for the first time without Thing One. We have a great time and start thinking of what the future hold ahead of us.

June 2008, OH NO, I missed my period! Thing One is 10 months old....WHAT???!!!! Yes, it is true Thing Two is on his/her way. I think Big Cheese and I sat in denial about the whole thing for another 2 months. We find out Thing One is a boy...wait a girl. Yes, the doctor was wrong the first time.

September 2008, my castle crumbles. Big Cheese and I have been having a very difficult time keeping it together. I am an emotional mess with this pregnancy and Big Cheese is less than patient trying to work at things in our relationship. We hit a good spot for a brief moment and we are living in domestic bliss for once. Something was nagging at me though, something in Big Cheese was different. I hate those feelings, they make me doubt myself. So one day I run out of macaroni and send Big Cheese to the market. While Big Cheese is gone I hear his cell phone. He clearly left it by accident. I pick it up, and it's his pal, no big deal, but at that moment I don't know why I looked at his text messages. Message after message from "T". The messages, more than a friendly hello. I became sick to my stomach. He came in the door "Hi, honey, here is the macaroni" . My next statement "Who is T?". Big Cheese had a look of guilt and I knew, I knew he had been speaking to other women. I lost it. I told Big Cheese to get out. It was not a pretty event to say the least. I cried and tried to settle down for Thing One and for Thing Two who was feeling all that I was feeling in my womb.

October 2008, I am alone at work when I get the news. Mami has breast cancer. My world turns upside down. How do I care for her, for Thing One, and for myself and Thing Two in my belly? I called Big Cheese and cried. He moves back in and we try to make a go at it again. I needed the support and I needed some sense of normalcy back into my life.

January 1, 2009. My due date is in 20 days and Big Cheese has been less than gracious. He yells through simple arguements, I cry most of the time. New year, I couldn't go on being treated like somehow I was the one to blame for all this verbal abuse. I told Big Cheese, I could not continue this way, not only for me, but for Thing One and Thing Two. He didn't move out until Thing two was born. Two weeks after to be exact.

Today, I have split time with Big Cheese in regards to Things One and Two. It is not easy, there are still a lot of hurt feelings, and we have tried to mend this relationship. I know that Thing One especially misses Big Cheese. He calls for him at night when he has a bad dream. Thing Two, doesn't know really what it's like to be with Big Cheese full time. It breaks my heart that my family now consists of three and not four. I just make the best of what I can now. I try to hold on to Fantasy Land sometimes, but then reality hits and it seems so far away.

My hopes in this blog is to discover that I will be ok. That even though it is not the ideal situation, Thing One and Thing Two will grow up to be some fine human beings despite their parents messed up relationship.