Single mom: "NOT FEELING GUILTY"

It has been almost two months that I have had every other weekend off of my mommy duties.  Big Cheese has been really good about taking the Things and we have had a better understanding of each others responsibilities.  I have read a lot of blogs of single parents who truly feel guilt as well as sadness when their children go with the other parent's home.  I often think there must be something wrong with me, because I truly don't feel that way.  I have friends who are single parents as well tell me I would be sad and that I would miss them. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  The first weekend I had without the children I did things I hadn't done in a while:

• I cleaned out rooms, sorted clothes (mine and the children's) without interruptions
• I had coffee and conversation with friends, without yelling at children to stop what they were doing.
• I exercised, and not by running after toddlers or with the help of Gymboree. 
• I sat on the couch and vegged in front of the TV staring aimlessly at shows minus animated characters and singing involved.
• I ate a hot meal that had just been served, no reheating involved.
• I stayed in my PJ's until 3 by choice, not because there was no time for a shower or ability to change.
• I showered in warm water for close to 30 minutes with no one banging at the door to get in.

Sure there was times in the day when I thought about what the Things were doing, but it had been so long since the last time I actually got to do all of the things above that I relished in it. I also figure that since they were with Big Cheese and had the opportunity to build a stronger bond with him, it was a very good thing for my babies.  I have to say I think I finally found an upside to this single/co-parenting situation.  I get some ME time to help me get in gear to be a better parent for Thing One and Thing Two.

What is your way of getting ME time?  Do you feel guilty or refreshed?

You're doing it wrong!

Hey Mom, what is this thing the nurse put me in???!!

The title of this is exactly what I heard the nurse say to me as I swaddled Thing One and she looked on. You would think that as a new mom I would have been more compliant and done things as the nurse was saying to do. The thing is that I had swaddled many babies by this point, just not my very own. The nurse kept saying "no tuck his hands in". Again she had no clue what I was doing. For the brief couple of hours I had been with my son I noticed he was comforting himself by grasping his hands in front of his face and sucking the top of his tiny knuckles. To me it only seemed obvious to swaddle him with his little grasped hands in front of him to keep him calm. I really resented that nurse for telling me I was swaddling my child wrong, when she had no idea who I or my child were.

Ahhhh!!! this is so much better, thank you Mommy!

I have read my share of baby books and debates on everything from circumcision, diapers, bottles, pacifiers, day care, babysitting, treating colds, preventing colds, toddler tantrums, discipline, potty training. I will tell you this, all that reading never prepares you thoroughly for your own children. It is helpful in some situations and you try the methods others have suggested. I am not closed off to other opinions and suggestions, I just know my own children.

I think that is why it bothers me when I hear or read posts in which a mother is being criticized by her methods of parenting. Just because it may be different than your own parenting ways does not make it wrong. I have had my share of debates about certain things that I feel may be dangerous for a child, but a debate is different than straight criticism. 
I have a friend Pretty Eyes who is very protective of her son who is merely a month older than mine. When it comes to parenting I have to say I'm a little more relaxed than she is. Is it wrong? No, by no means. She has ALWAYS been more cautious and wiped everything with antiseptic wipes. When we were child free we walked barefoot on the streets after a long night of dancing. I went home and crashed on the couch, and she scrubbed her feet, rinsed and scrubbed them again at three in the morning. When we were pregnant. She spent most of her time away from people who were sick, rested a lot, and was very vigilant of her diet. I was around tons of people, many who might have been sick, and ate everything in sight! Recently Thing One had a swimming pool birthday party and while my son had trunks on hers had a full body suit with extra sunscreen. I find nothing wrong with her methods. They are different than mine, yes. I have heard many criticize her and other parents like her, say things like "she isn't letting him do things"  blah, blah, blah.

Well what you don't know is Pretty Eyes had a son before this one. He was born premature, he was sick for the first month of his life. He had some health complications and she fought to keep him as healthy as possible. He was doing well until he was about 4 months old. He fell ill and he left us all much too soon.


You never know the reason why parents make choices in how they parent a child. It may be that they know their children's quirks the moment they are born, it may be that this parent's personality is the reason they do things a certain way, or it may be that you want nothing to happen to your child because of the loss you feel. Parents are humans with feelings, so "suggest nicely" and "don't criticize harshly". You may never know what is behind that parents logic if you don't put yourself in their situation with their children.  So parents when you hear someone say you are doing it wrong all you have to say is, that may be true for you but not for my children and I. :)

You have a WHAT?!?!

Last night as I do every night I was bathing both Thing One and Thing Two.  I've never found it odd that I bathe my children together, even if they are a boy and girl, it's never been an issue for me.  Actually it was for the most part a time saver.  Two kids, one bath, killed two birds with one stone.

Back to last nights bath.  Since Thing One has been potty trained he has this quirk that he pulls at his private part all the time.  I've read this is pretty normal, for me it's mostly the fact that he yanks it so hard he may hurt himself one day.  So as I have always done I gently remind him that he does not need to touch it unless he is going to the bathroom.  So there was Thing Two yanking at himself.  I finally had to say "Thing One, stop pulling at your penis!".  Thing Two is in the repeat stage and follows her brother Thing One's every movement, so you can imagine what came next.  Thing Two points to her private parts and says "PENIS!".  My thought was, ok we haven't told her the name of her part.  I told her "No Thing Two, you have a vagina".  What ensued next brought me to tears.  Thing One looks at himself and says " I have a GINA too! See!" (points to private part)  I wanted to laugh so hard, but I kept it together.  Then I repeated to Thing One that he had a penis.  Thing One in his loudest 3 year old voice says "NO! They match mommy!"  Well I almost was crying from the laughter. 

So there I am, wanting to share this with someone and so I text message Big Cheese to let him know what had happened.  I don't know if he was a little perplexed and maybe even a little disturbed by the fact that this had occurred.  He just was confused.  What do we do?  Should we have them bathe together?  I guess at that moment I realized that we had different parenting styles.  I'm all about being open with my children, letting them ask questions and having the accurate information for them.  That is why I refuse to have Thing One call his private parts "wee wee" or his "pee pee".  He knows he has a penis and now he has a name for his sister's anatomy.  I guess some people are still a little closed off and private when it comes to children learning the correct terms for their anatomy, and that's ok. 

So am I going to separate them in the shower?  I suppose eventually I will have to. For now I think it's pure and simply an observation for both of them and they are learning about the uniqueness in their own body.  Others may have other opinions about what I do, but I see nothing wrong in what I am doing so far with them.  So what did I say to Big Cheese?  Well that's easy, the same thing I do with Thing One and Thing Two.  I let him ask questions and I gave him accurate and concerete answers.  Sometimes Adults need to be approached the same way as young children. ;)