First Heart Break

You know in life you always have that first heart break.  It never crossed my mind that Thing Two would experience it from the one man who should carry her heart like a delicate piece of china. Big Cheese broke her heart this weekend and I want to tear his apart for making her feel like that. 

I am typing this with bags and dark circles under my eyes. My heart breaks for my baby girl.  Saturday was her big day.  She got her first ever trophy that day. Big Cheese, no where in sight.  Las Vegas to be precise on his location.  I had a huge discussion with him about this decision. Big Cheese had known about this big day since January when the soccer schedules were given.  I would have seen it as a mere over sight had it not been for the fact that he never backed out of going. 

To top it off, it was his weekend with the Things.  He actually called me to cover for him so that he could go and he would take the next two weekends to be with the children.  I just couldn't believe he was going to miss her big day.  When I reminded him of the day and that I would cover if he still wanted to go, he said "Thanks".  I felt the blood heat up under my skin.  In my head "Thanks" was a brush off of what this would do to my little dolls heart.  I just answered "No need to Thank me, you will need to explain to the Things why you were not there".  Of course I got no answer.

Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things, and this just exacerbated those feelings. He had already let our children witness their father get into my face and yell and call me names in public.  Their little hearts were suffering and all I wanted was some kind of normal for them.  We argued once more before he left.  Big Cheese thought I was just upset because he was going to Las Vegas.  This wasn't like the times before, I wasn't concerned about our family, this time it was our children.   It was a big day, a moment that is fleeting.  It will never be her first trophy ever again.  Las Vegas will always be there, but this moment is gone.  Thing Two now holds the memory of her father being absent from that moment.

You must think by now "Well she is three, she can't possibly remember anything".  All day on Saturday we were busy, happy, or so I thought.  I saw a glimpse of her searching the crowd when she got the trophy, a slight sad look.  I just left it alone, hoping it was just me that saw that look.  Sunday morning as we ate breakfast with no one but her and I eating at the table she uttered the phrase I long feared would come sooner or later, "Mommy, Daddy wasn't at my banquet.  It made me sad.  Zoe had her daddy there".  Her face was sullen and her eyes watered and filled with salty tears that I kissed away for her.  It's all I could do.  I couldn't discount those feelings.  Her little heart was broken. 

Times like these I wish he could see what he does by some of his actions.  The same actions that made me walk away from him. Only this time it was not a 39 year old woman who's heart he broke, it was a three year old sweet vivacious little girl who's heart he broke. 

I was so sad and mad.  Mad that he had the ability to chose his own interest over his children.  How does one make things better?  I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be there and to help both my children heal from all this.  I just hope the happy feelings out weigh those that reside in her heart at this moment.

Wordless Wednesday: A date I made a decision. KISMET

They were meant to be mine.

Santa Baby...

It’s that time again.  Christmas is upon us and I have my annual wish list for Santa.

Dear Santa ,

Thanks for the gifts last year.  The tantrums have been down since about 6 months ago.  I know that one took a little longer to get to me, but it’s one that meant the most.  Mom is still cancer free, so thank you, thank you, thank you.  Big Cheese has finally been able to give me some “child free” days, to which I am grateful.  Even if it is just to catch up on laundry, have full control of the remote, and sleep.   Thank you for getting me that larger car. I can now take the kids places without being cramped up and worrying about breaking down in the middle of nowhere with them in tow.

So this year my list is a little bit smaller, because I am after all satisfied for the most part on how this year has turned out.

1.       A Mami helper:  Mami is getting older; she needs someone to stay close to her more often than she thinks she needs to.  I wish I could do more, but with two children and a full time job that is at a distance my time is stretched.

2.       Laundry helper:  Maybe we can combine this one with the one above.  As soon as I’m done doing all the laundry I have to start all over with this.  I just need it folded and put away which seems to be my weakness when children need to be fed or broken up from fighting with each other,  Mami needs to be shuffled off  somewhere, and just errands that need to be run. 

3.       Wine:  I need it after all of the activities listed above.

4.       A Guy A MAN :  No not a boyfriend, because Lord knows we tried that route earlier this year and that was a failure of EPIC proportions.  Just someone who checks in occasionally on all those mechanical things that I can’t figure out as much as I try to Google, or youtube. I’m a single girl idiot in that department.  Yes, even “I” am not superwoman!

5.       Good Slumber on weekends and kid free days:  I have no idea why, dang internal clock is set. I’m up earlier than roosters. It’s not fair!  I WANT to sleep, but it eludes me.  I don’t care if raccoon eyes are making a come back!  They don’t flatter me.

6.       More financial resources:  I have a job, thank goodness!  It is not that I want more money for myself, it is to do those occasional good deeds.  Pay for someone’s layaway, pay for someone’s groceries that is struggling to make ends meet.  I want to be able to spread that cheer year around.

7.       Continued health:  I know I struggle with my weight.  I need to get on the ball with this so that I can be around for the kids, the grand kids and the great grand kids.  I am healthy now, but it can get better. 

8.       Creativity:  I seem to have lost that this last year.  I wrote quite often, I crafted with the kids more before.  Can you help me find it this year? I miss it.

9.     For continued patience:  Especially with Thing One and Thing Two.  They drive me crazy some days and I just want to lock myself up in the bathroom with the bottle of wine and my fantastic new acrylic cup (Thanks D-law) that I have affectionately named Herman.

10.   This one is important:  BARBIE HEAD.  Year 33 and still no Barbie head.  I will continue to ask every  year.  I have been good, what is up with this???!!!  Surely there has to have been some mix up at your fabulous toy shop. (crosses fingers, does a prayer, I hope I don’t get coal for this comment)

Love you  lots!

Dooritos

Mami of Thing One and Thing Two

P.S.  The kids have been good this year, please make sure to read their letter.  I certify that they have been good. J

Flashback Friday - A not so simple letter.

What is Flashback Friday? Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog. I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook. For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays. I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs. Enjoy my friends

July 27, 2007 -  I was getting really close to my due date and I was thinking of all the things I wanted my child to know.  Two weeks after I wrote this, my son Thing One appeared into this world.

Swollen and ready at my baby shower for Thing One.

Yesterday I went to the fancy paper shop in the mall and picked out some stationary (Yes I know how antiquated!). I couldn't believe how long it took me to pick it out. Usually it takes me maybe two minutes to pick one out and start writing something on it. This time the letter wasn't going to a friend or a relative, this time I was going to write to my unborn son.

I have been wanting to do this for sometime now, I guess there is no time like the present. It's going to be difficult and easy at the same time to write the letter for him. The reason I'm doing it is simple, I remember coming into adulthood and thinking, am I doing all the things my father would have wanted for me. Is this what he envisioned for me? I had sometime with him before he left, but I think if it was written down and left for me to read in his own words I would have felt more secure about his hopes for me.

So here I sit with the "perfect" paper for my son contemplating on all that I want to say to him. Of course he will not be allowed to open this until his 18th birthday and I'm hoping to still be around for that. If I'm not, at least he will in some way be connected to me from beyond and know that I will always love him no matter where life takes him.

Have any of you left something for your loved ones for the future? Believe me, it's important, you never know what life has in store around the corner for you and yours. I for one and glad for the time I had with my father and others who are no longer with me.

Flashback Friday - Analyzing the Marriage/child decision...AGAIN

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

March 6, 2006 - This is the blog where I am like Marissa Tomei in "My Cousin Vinny" 

 Things did not quite work out as I had hoped in this blog.

So as much as I deny it, it feels good to have a little one snuggle with you. My cousin's little girl snuggled with me and she was snoozing away. I held her at a family party as her parents ate dinner. They didn't want to just leave her on the couch to sleep. I offered to hold her. So this is where my story begins.
I always had planned on having kids. Never happened with the ex-husband because, well for one reason or another he just couldn't have kids. It still remains a big mystery, he never included me in on what was going on, which is probably a big reason why we are not together today. So forward to know, I'm 35.

Yes, you heard it
35!!!

I don't remember what happened, but dang...Hello 30-35! It's a blur. I spent it with someone who I thought I might have a family with, maybe even do the married thing. Yeah, I'm a sucker for pain!
So that clearly never happened or else I would be here telling you guys that yeah married life is a pain, and the kids drive me up the wall, but I'm happy. So now comes the decisions. I made a decision to not have children, and that was after thinking and thinking and thinking. (a whole lot of thinking)

I asked myself questions like, would you be willing to take that risk at 35 to have a child, would you be able to do it without being married, or having the father of the child around? So when I answered, I don't want to be the oldest mom in the school parking lot, I know what that's like. I don't want to be the one to tell my child, yeah I don't know why your daddy isn't around, I know what that's like. I don't want to explain to my child that oh yeah daddy lives with so and so and I live here with so and so, but your our love and blah blah blah... it just didn't work for me.

For me I wasn't willing to settle to bring a child into this world and not have a happy marriage. It just goes hand in hand for me. I know, how conservative is that coming from a liberal person?! I guess deep down inside those are the things I really wanted and now I find that just a memory.

But let me tell you when I felt that little girl all snuggled on me, it made me just feel like ...oh what the hell have a kid on your own! Any donors? LOL Like I said, I'm all screwed up! Deep down, I'm still going to end up thinking about it and going...Nope shouldn't do it.

Flashback Friday - Babies and more

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

November 15, 2005 - This marks the day I started to write my thoughts on babies and having a family in the future.  I had been pretty depressed up until this point. A year earlier I had miscarried a baby.  It was a rough road that no one talks about.  I suffered with a lot of feelings of guilt and grief.  This was the day that made me think ahead to what the future held and be hopeful.  If you are interested in the ribbon below please visit here.

Today was a rather interesting day. I forgot that I was invited to my girlfriends baby shower. I think I forgot intentionally, it's been a long road to this day. I haven't been to a baby shower since I had my miscarriage almost a year ago.

I knew today was going to be a bit strange for me, and I thought I was going to be all crazy with different feelings. I was for like a moment, and then I put it all aside, because after all this was my friends day and not my pity party. Well turns out that when we got to the shower, she wasn't at her home, she had delivered the baby 2 months early! Her and the baby are doing just fine, thank god, but in that moment I felt the need to call up my ex boyfriend and tell him about our friends new baby.

I actually didn't call him up, I just left him a text message. Too chicken I guess to talk to him. Then he text me back, that's good, tell them congratulations. In that very moment I realized something. I was holding on to him and that he would never change his views on the whole, having a family and stuff. He will never be the one man I had hoped he would be. I was over it, and him and I let go at that moment. Amazing what a little clarity will do in a blink of a moment.

My friend "C"  described that as sad. The final realization that it's over. I beg to differ on that I don't think it's sad, I think it's more of learning and opening other doors in your life. I'm content right now, and somewhere out there is a man who would want the same things I want and will want to share the things I want to share. For now I'm not looking, I want him to find me!

So, let me go on with my content self and go out and have a good time with old friends. So I'm off to have dinner with friends. Enjoy your moments of enlightenment my friends, don't fret!

Moms date?!?! HOW?

Most Moms I know lead really busy lives. You have kids to shuffle off to day care, school, etc. You have to deal with tantrums, homework, and extracurricular activities that you need to hurry off to. If your married, you need to fit in time with the hubby and sharing of the parenting. Now imagine if you were single and had to do that and DATE??!!! *GULP*

At the ripe age of 40 I never imagined that I would be a single mom. I thought I would be one of those happily adjusted married folks with kids. WRONG! Life happens, you choose a partner unwisely (in my case the culprit was beer and Jack and coke), it happens. I have been a single mom for close to two years now, and I haven't really put any thought into dating. Why? Well that's easy to answer, I'm knee deep into toddlerhood. Before two toddlers I was a hot mess. I had two babies 17 months apart and I could barely get a comb through my hair, let alone TRY to look attractive. My life revolved around a constant diaper change.

My thoughts and energy have been focused on Thing One and Thing Two. So this is going to sound silly, but I have no idea how to date or even put myself out there! I have been out of the game for at least a good 5 years now. First, it takes so much time and energy just to date. Getting to know the other person, the calling, the whole dance, HELLO?! When exactly am I supposed to do that? I barely make it to 9:30 pm on any given weekend and I am already nodding off to bed. Not to mention that every weekend I have is spent with the children since Big Cheese couldn't possibly take them on weekends.

Then there is that part of me that worries. The whole dilemma about when is it right to date? When do the kids get introduced? Do you introduce them at all? Does this person have a criminal record? What if the kids get attached and it doesn't work out? I can handle me being hurt, but the kids?? That last thought just kills me. UGGGG!!! Seriously, I thought I wouldn't have to go through the insanity of dating while raising kids.

So the other night out of curiosity I went on a dating site and chatted with a few gentlemen (I use the term loosely) and I swear I felt drained. Just by the questions What do you look like? Kids? Married? divorced? age? Area you live? It was like the spanish inquisition and I hadn't even gotten a drink out of it to ease the pain!

I don't know how some single moms are able to date, I was exhausted just in the few minutes I put myself out there. Maybe I'm just not ready to handle dating drama alongside toddler tantrums. I get lonely sometimes and I would love to have someone take care of me as a woman while I take care of my children's needs. I just don't think I have the energy level and patience it takes to date at this moment. I'm hoping that some day I will. Single moms, how do you balance a dating life with the life of a mommy? Am I over thinking this or will there come a time when I will figure it all out. Advice please....

Love Songs...

Love is all around us in February.  The hearts, the flowers, the expressions of romance.  PHOOEY!  Yes, I am single, as I have been for the last couple of years.  I should be a bahumbug person when it comes to Valentine's Day.  Instead I have taken the high road and have really taken inventory of where my heart has been the last couple of years.  I have been a mom who is dedicated to her two babies.  My love affair with them started the moment I knew that I carried them in my womb.  The following love songs bring a smile to my face as I think of my two loves, Thing One and Thing Two.

Mana - Bendita tu Luz

This song is for my beautiful baby boy.  Just one short month after I had him I went to see this group in concert.  I had heard this song before, but it took on new meaning for me that day.  The tears rolled down my face as I thought of my baby at home and how much he filled my life already.  As the song says in the very beautiful spanish language:  Bless your light, Blessed is the light of your gaze, Bless your gaze, Blessed is the gaze from your soul.

John Mayer - Daughters

I heard this song when I was pregnant with Thing One and thought it was beautiful.  When I was pregnant with Thing Two it took on more meaning.  I related how as a woman we take how we were treated by our parents into many aspects of other relationships.  I was blessed to have a great father, who left much too soon.  I wanted to make sure that Big Cheese would be able to understand his role with our daughter.  Even though he and I have mixed feelings about each other I want to make sure he never fails her. 

Colbie Calliat - Bubbly

Bubbly is just how fun my children's love is.  How I am like a child and their laughter and hugs make me feel new. They place a smile on my face and laughter in my voice.  I hope the three of us can always feel this way about each other in the years to come.  Ok, so maybe the teenage years we may be in denial, but I hope we will get through it and find the fun we have always had together.

 Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance

Even before I had children I really loved this song.  At first it was the hopes I'm sure my parents had for me.  Once my children came to be I absolutely felt every word of hopes and dreams that this song  refers to.  You always hope for more for your children.

Wishing you and Yours a Happy 2011!

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Just a cup of Joe

So what does a tired office worker, who has had an hour commute and close to 7 hours of work do to make it through the next grueling couple of hours until she gets home? She does this:

That my friends is a cup of Starbucks instant coffee. Notice the little ditty on the cup? Peace. My friend Rocio bought that cup for me a couple of years ago for my birthday. I love it. This is what it says:

PEACE.

It does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise, trouble

or hard work. It means to be in

the midst of those things and still

be calm in your heart.

Sometimes at work and at home I need to remind myself of this. Especially when I’m sitting in traffic and I want it to move faster to get to my babies. Then when I’m home with the babies and they are so excited that they climb on me, chat loudly, kiss me incessantly, all this while I’m trying to make dinner. I lose it sometimes. Some days this tired mom wants to crawl in bed and let someone else take the reigns. Unfortunately it’s just me and this is why coffee and a deep breath help at 4:00 pm at work with my fabulous cup that lets me reflect and say…you will be ok.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...

A year in review…2010 and A year ahead 2011

 

It’s the end of the year and as always I like to reflect back and look forward. This year was eventful in the world as well as in my life.

 

• We saw Haiti be demolished by a devastating earthquake at the beginning of the year. Millions of people lost, so sad to see so many lives taken that left many children orphaned. I saw all that and held my children tighter, worried more about the kind of earthquake that could happen living in Los Angeles, and prayed a lot more.
   
•  My darling baby girl turned one in January. So much in a year had happened and she had grown so much. She had me worried for a very long time after because she didn’t let go and walk until she was 16 months old. Walking didn’t last long, she was running and keeping up with her brother. She has certainly been one of the best blessings I have received.
   
• This year also marked the first year I survived single parenting. I was able to think of where I was a year from that point and remembered all that I had done as a single parent. It is still a long road but one I’m willing to do for the sake of my children.
   
• My big boy was potty trained in the summer before his third birthday. (yeah! less diapers to change!) He has become quite a comedian this year. He is definitely the little man of the house. He protects his sister and always asks “you ok mama?” when he knows I’ve had a rough day. He is definitely a challenge in all aspects, but he is my love.
   
• The chants of Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le! Inspired all of us. How much we pulled for these miners and their families. The human spirit can endure so much and can make through so much turmoil. My hats off to these men and all that surrounded the efforts to save these men and get them out alive.
   
• Mami had a tumor scare on her other breast. I held my breath for 2 weeks when finally the results came in. The lump the doctor had felt was nothing. I was able to stop holding my breath and breathe again. Another year cancer free.
   
• I will be turning 4 decades old this month. Amazing how life just spins from the moment you are looking at how hard some multiplication table are in elementary school to how hard it is to balance children, an aging parent, work, responsibilities, and a personal life. 

Where will I be heading in 2011? There are a lot of wishes I have for the coming year. Not resolutions, but hopes and dreams.

• To be patient as I train my last baby how to go potty. I want to be diaper free by the end of 2011. (crosses fingers, does a few rosaries, and prays really really hard)
• To get the children’s father to agree to taking the kids every other weekend. The need Daddy time and I need my sanity back, even for a weekend.•To reconnect with my single self. I tried so hard last year to make it work with the kids dad, to try to mend hurt feelings. I now know I tried my best for my part in all this mess and like my dad said, you can take a mule to the river, but you can’t make him drink. There is a lot of damage that requires my attention, inside and out. Positive results come from positive thinking
• Take time to organize, regroup and enjoy the time I have with my little babies. Before you know it they will be grown and these moments will be cherished times.
• Get the little guy into school, sports etc. He is like a sponge he has the need to absorb all that is around
• Make it to church on days that are not just religious holidays. I may not agree with all the church has to say but my heart feels at peace when I go.
•  To be able to talk to the children’s father without feeling angry about his lack of attention to details about the kids. I can’t change his parenting skills. I can only change my approach to his view on parenting.
• Pick up the phone and call friends occasionally. It gives that personal touch that a text message just doesn’t have.
• To continue to maintain a vigilant eye on Mami and her health. Just let us have another year cancer free.

Do you make a yearly inventory of where you have been and where you are going? 

Santa, I have my list ready! :)

Dear Santa,

I know that you normally get letters from small children and deliver special gifts to those younger than, ummm let’s just say 10 years of age. However we all have special wishes and here are mine:

1. Less tantrums and anger - Mine, the kids, and their fathers.

2. Confidence - The kind that make me feel that the decisions I have made for my children are going to be ok for them.

3. An extra set of arms- To be able to be able to hold the many hands and items they bring along (toys, blankies, binkies etc...)

4. Serenity –Just like the prayer says:

                    grant me the serenity
                    to accept the things I cannot change;
                    courage to change the things I can;
                    and wisdom to know the difference.

5. Energy – You’ve met my kids at the mall, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about here.

6. A nanny- For the kids AND my mom.

7. Mommy days – The kind in which the kid’s dad will actually take them for a weekend so that I can come back and be a better rested single mom.

8. More cancer free days – For my Mami. She really wants to get to watch the kids grew up and go to school.

9. A new larger car- I know, I know its way overdue, just can’t seem to get to this lately. Help me out here.

10. Barbie head – I asked for this when I was 7 or so and my dad wouldn’t have you bring it because it was too grown up to play with make-up and hair and stuff. I think I’m grown a little. It doesn’t hurt to ask a second time around.  :)

Thank you for all you do for my kids. Thank you for listening to me. I understand if you can’t get all the things on my list. Just a few would make me one happy camper. I will leave some cookies and a triple shot Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. Hot Cocoa is just not going to cut it on Christmas day with all your deliveries.



Love,
Dooritos
Mommy of Things One and Two.