Wishing you and Yours a Happy 2011!

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Sibling love

Who says girls aren't tough???!!!

Just a cup of Joe

So what does a tired office worker, who has had an hour commute and close to 7 hours of work do to make it through the next grueling couple of hours until she gets home? She does this:

That my friends is a cup of Starbucks instant coffee. Notice the little ditty on the cup? Peace. My friend Rocio bought that cup for me a couple of years ago for my birthday. I love it. This is what it says:

PEACE.

It does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise, trouble

or hard work. It means to be in

the midst of those things and still

be calm in your heart.

Sometimes at work and at home I need to remind myself of this. Especially when I’m sitting in traffic and I want it to move faster to get to my babies. Then when I’m home with the babies and they are so excited that they climb on me, chat loudly, kiss me incessantly, all this while I’m trying to make dinner. I lose it sometimes. Some days this tired mom wants to crawl in bed and let someone else take the reigns. Unfortunately it’s just me and this is why coffee and a deep breath help at 4:00 pm at work with my fabulous cup that lets me reflect and say…you will be ok.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...

A year in review…2010 and A year ahead 2011

 

It’s the end of the year and as always I like to reflect back and look forward. This year was eventful in the world as well as in my life.

 

• We saw Haiti be demolished by a devastating earthquake at the beginning of the year. Millions of people lost, so sad to see so many lives taken that left many children orphaned. I saw all that and held my children tighter, worried more about the kind of earthquake that could happen living in Los Angeles, and prayed a lot more.
   
•  My darling baby girl turned one in January. So much in a year had happened and she had grown so much. She had me worried for a very long time after because she didn’t let go and walk until she was 16 months old. Walking didn’t last long, she was running and keeping up with her brother. She has certainly been one of the best blessings I have received.
   
• This year also marked the first year I survived single parenting. I was able to think of where I was a year from that point and remembered all that I had done as a single parent. It is still a long road but one I’m willing to do for the sake of my children.
   
• My big boy was potty trained in the summer before his third birthday. (yeah! less diapers to change!) He has become quite a comedian this year. He is definitely the little man of the house. He protects his sister and always asks “you ok mama?” when he knows I’ve had a rough day. He is definitely a challenge in all aspects, but he is my love.
   
• The chants of Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le! Inspired all of us. How much we pulled for these miners and their families. The human spirit can endure so much and can make through so much turmoil. My hats off to these men and all that surrounded the efforts to save these men and get them out alive.
   
• Mami had a tumor scare on her other breast. I held my breath for 2 weeks when finally the results came in. The lump the doctor had felt was nothing. I was able to stop holding my breath and breathe again. Another year cancer free.
   
• I will be turning 4 decades old this month. Amazing how life just spins from the moment you are looking at how hard some multiplication table are in elementary school to how hard it is to balance children, an aging parent, work, responsibilities, and a personal life. 

Where will I be heading in 2011? There are a lot of wishes I have for the coming year. Not resolutions, but hopes and dreams.

• To be patient as I train my last baby how to go potty. I want to be diaper free by the end of 2011. (crosses fingers, does a few rosaries, and prays really really hard)
• To get the children’s father to agree to taking the kids every other weekend. The need Daddy time and I need my sanity back, even for a weekend.•To reconnect with my single self. I tried so hard last year to make it work with the kids dad, to try to mend hurt feelings. I now know I tried my best for my part in all this mess and like my dad said, you can take a mule to the river, but you can’t make him drink. There is a lot of damage that requires my attention, inside and out. Positive results come from positive thinking
• Take time to organize, regroup and enjoy the time I have with my little babies. Before you know it they will be grown and these moments will be cherished times.
• Get the little guy into school, sports etc. He is like a sponge he has the need to absorb all that is around
• Make it to church on days that are not just religious holidays. I may not agree with all the church has to say but my heart feels at peace when I go.
•  To be able to talk to the children’s father without feeling angry about his lack of attention to details about the kids. I can’t change his parenting skills. I can only change my approach to his view on parenting.
• Pick up the phone and call friends occasionally. It gives that personal touch that a text message just doesn’t have.
• To continue to maintain a vigilant eye on Mami and her health. Just let us have another year cancer free.

Do you make a yearly inventory of where you have been and where you are going? 

Merry Christmas and all that!

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Santa, I have my list ready! :)

Dear Santa,

I know that you normally get letters from small children and deliver special gifts to those younger than, ummm let’s just say 10 years of age. However we all have special wishes and here are mine:

1. Less tantrums and anger - Mine, the kids, and their fathers.

2. Confidence - The kind that make me feel that the decisions I have made for my children are going to be ok for them.

3. An extra set of arms- To be able to be able to hold the many hands and items they bring along (toys, blankies, binkies etc...)

4. Serenity –Just like the prayer says:

                    grant me the serenity
                    to accept the things I cannot change;
                    courage to change the things I can;
                    and wisdom to know the difference.

5. Energy – You’ve met my kids at the mall, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about here.

6. A nanny- For the kids AND my mom.

7. Mommy days – The kind in which the kid’s dad will actually take them for a weekend so that I can come back and be a better rested single mom.

8. More cancer free days – For my Mami. She really wants to get to watch the kids grew up and go to school.

9. A new larger car- I know, I know its way overdue, just can’t seem to get to this lately. Help me out here.

10. Barbie head – I asked for this when I was 7 or so and my dad wouldn’t have you bring it because it was too grown up to play with make-up and hair and stuff. I think I’m grown a little. It doesn’t hurt to ask a second time around.  :)

Thank you for all you do for my kids. Thank you for listening to me. I understand if you can’t get all the things on my list. Just a few would make me one happy camper. I will leave some cookies and a triple shot Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. Hot Cocoa is just not going to cut it on Christmas day with all your deliveries.



Love,
Dooritos
Mommy of Things One and Two.

Here is a story for you to retell... I have a heart that bleeds

I have spilled my feelings of rage, anger, sadness, happiness and loneliness all over pages and pages of blogs, journals, and posts on my facebook page, just to have them come back to me as a dagger. My own words twisted and retorted as vicious gossip that is told to Big Cheese.  Big Cheese is not the type to figure out that some people don't have your best interest at heart.  They use these words to spin drama, to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  They do this to stir feelings of chaos for their own enjoyment. 

Now, I'm sure that maybe some of the things that get reported back to Big Cheese of the things are innocently mentioned.  I am not a complete idiot about things like this happening.  I am after all a fairly reasonably person.  Big Cheese is known for making me feel like everything is my fault, that I decided to have a split family.  Despite my many attempts at reconnecting my whole fantasy of a traditional family, despite the numerous times I have set aside my pride, the very fiber of who I am to do this.  So don't think I know that this may be the case.  Do me a favor, when you retell the story show the whole scenario.

Have I felt lonely and sad, yes, yes I have.  I want a big shoulder to cry on to tell me that I am doing ok as a mom, as a woman as a freakin' human being. I want to have a friend in the person I am with.  Big Cheese, I know tries, but there is a huge disconnect in our relationship.  He has been holding on to things that happened when we were dating.  Things that I am not proud of doing. I have apologized, I have tried to move to the present.  I have even disregarded his mistakes during my pregnancy.  He can't let go, he is still angry.  It may not be outwardly apparent, but he lets it all out when we argue.  I can't keep living in the past, my children deserve two happy parents to raise them. 

Like I said I take responsibility for my part in the failure of this relationship, I'm no angel.  I have however vowed to be true to my children.  I have not introduced to anyone I may start dating, because simply put there is no one.  I respect myself to know that this is not a good time for me to even consider that.  Do I desire that attention? Sure, who wouldn't.   I am first and foremost a mother of two young children who deserve my attention right now.  Maybe down the road I can revisit that place as the woman I want to be.  I want to be "that" person for someone and they can be that for me, for now I am ok with just me and the kids. Big Cheese can't meet me half way and talk to me like an adult.  He resorts to insults and raising of his voice.  I will not let him bring me down and make me feel like this is all of my fault. Just because I told him to leave, does not give him the right to blame me for all of it and not take responsibility for his part.

I leave my future in this and any other relationship in God's hands.  I can't do anything else.  I often feel defeated in that department.  Still I pick myself up and dust off and move forward.  Why?  Well here is the simple answer:

So if you want to retell false truths remember this, your words and gossip affects more than just me.  It's like throwing a pebble into a pond, the ripples get bigger and you hurt more than one person with greater intensity.  If that makes you sleep better at night, so be it.  Just do me a favor, sign up to my RSS feed so you can get all the information correct and show him what you read instead of interpretting it on your own. 

Thanks a lot! May you find peace of heart.
 

My plate flowth over...

No, this is not a post about how well my Thanksgiving went and what I ate.  It has everything to do with what made me snap the other night and what has been building up in the internal emotions that is Dooritos.

Every year the community center in my city has a tree lighting ceremony. I wanted the Things to see this.  I like them to participate in the community.  What I didn't expect was the feelings that would overwhelm me when we finally got there.  It started the moment I went to pick them up from the baby sitter and get them and Mami into the car.

As soon as I got home, I made sure Mami was ready to go.  She asked "de que hija?" (For what my daughter).  I was stressed from work and to come home to someone not ready to go frazzled me.  "UFF" I urged her to get ready quickly as I went across the street to get the kids.  Everyone was packed in the car and we got there barely able to squeeze into the building.

Both kids were honary, throwing themselves on the floor with any type of suggestion to stand by me.  Mami looked stressed, I was stressed.  Mami has limited mobility so really the only one that could keep up with these types of moments is me.  I tried to take a few pictures of the Things by the tree before they lit it, and of course the camera battery had died! I had to pull out my blackberry to take pictures and this is what happened:

Liliana "I get tree!"

Please look over here!

Halfway decent shot

Losing it

Right after this and during the singing, both kids layed on the floor and screamed.  I want the tree! I want outside! I want present!  I lost it in the middle of  "Hark the Angels Sing".  My "angels" were not singing, mine were SCREAMING.  In my head I was doing the very same thing.  I picked them up kicking and screaming dragged them out and just gave Mami that look of "WE ARE OUT!!".  The whole time driving home both Things  were screaming "BACK! BACK!" There was no way, they were done, and I was done.

As soon as we got home I put both kids to bed and sat exhausted, drained and with very little energy for much more.  I cried.  I cried because I never planned to do this without someone there with me. Not only for the kids but for me as well.  I have been stressed, spread thinnly in my time, and I was thinking Wonder Woman, but in reality I'm not.  I'm just a single mom with two very busy toddlers and an aging mom, who all ask a lot of my time from me.  So that very moment with all the things that I had piled on my plate something had to give.  The corn gibblets, the gravy, the bun, the whole "shibang" came tumbling down.  I felt very lonely and the tears just poured.  I let it all spill out on my facebook page and the most spectacular thing happened.  Other single mom's could relate and told me I would be ok. I needed that hug, even if it was virtual.  Thank you friends.

After this lovely treat :

Yes, that is a rice crispy treat and a glass of wine! 

I was able to breath and move forward to the next morning.  I kissed my babies and even though I am alone and stressed, I know I'm not the only single mom that goes through this and hey I've known some married mom's who have that slow come apart moment. Have you as a parent had a come apart moment?