First Heart Break

You know in life you always have that first heart break.  It never crossed my mind that Thing Two would experience it from the one man who should carry her heart like a delicate piece of china. Big Cheese broke her heart this weekend and I want to tear his apart for making her feel like that. 

I am typing this with bags and dark circles under my eyes. My heart breaks for my baby girl.  Saturday was her big day.  She got her first ever trophy that day. Big Cheese, no where in sight.  Las Vegas to be precise on his location.  I had a huge discussion with him about this decision. Big Cheese had known about this big day since January when the soccer schedules were given.  I would have seen it as a mere over sight had it not been for the fact that he never backed out of going. 

To top it off, it was his weekend with the Things.  He actually called me to cover for him so that he could go and he would take the next two weekends to be with the children.  I just couldn't believe he was going to miss her big day.  When I reminded him of the day and that I would cover if he still wanted to go, he said "Thanks".  I felt the blood heat up under my skin.  In my head "Thanks" was a brush off of what this would do to my little dolls heart.  I just answered "No need to Thank me, you will need to explain to the Things why you were not there".  Of course I got no answer.

Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things, and this just exacerbated those feelings. He had already let our children witness their father get into my face and yell and call me names in public.  Their little hearts were suffering and all I wanted was some kind of normal for them.  We argued once more before he left.  Big Cheese thought I was just upset because he was going to Las Vegas.  This wasn't like the times before, I wasn't concerned about our family, this time it was our children.   It was a big day, a moment that is fleeting.  It will never be her first trophy ever again.  Las Vegas will always be there, but this moment is gone.  Thing Two now holds the memory of her father being absent from that moment.

You must think by now "Well she is three, she can't possibly remember anything".  All day on Saturday we were busy, happy, or so I thought.  I saw a glimpse of her searching the crowd when she got the trophy, a slight sad look.  I just left it alone, hoping it was just me that saw that look.  Sunday morning as we ate breakfast with no one but her and I eating at the table she uttered the phrase I long feared would come sooner or later, "Mommy, Daddy wasn't at my banquet.  It made me sad.  Zoe had her daddy there".  Her face was sullen and her eyes watered and filled with salty tears that I kissed away for her.  It's all I could do.  I couldn't discount those feelings.  Her little heart was broken. 

Times like these I wish he could see what he does by some of his actions.  The same actions that made me walk away from him. Only this time it was not a 39 year old woman who's heart he broke, it was a three year old sweet vivacious little girl who's heart he broke. 

I was so sad and mad.  Mad that he had the ability to chose his own interest over his children.  How does one make things better?  I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be there and to help both my children heal from all this.  I just hope the happy feelings out weigh those that reside in her heart at this moment.

The wheels on the bus that humble and other life experiences.

This fabulous monster is what has been my main form of transportation the last couple of months.  My car finally took a turn for the worst and is ending up resting in peace in the cemetery of twisted metal that is a junk yard.  While for most people this may not be the end all of existence in the city, it is if you live in Los Angeles.

This city plain and simply was not built for the ease of public transportation.  It has improved vastly in the last couple of years.  However it is not conducive to work with a schedule of a single mother of two who's normal commute to work is an hour each way on a normal day, without having to take a bus.  In order to get to work I was having to get up at an ungodly hour, schlep myself to a bus stop, wait in the darkness of the morning, take three buses only to end up 20 minutes from my start time.  Two hours of commuting, if I was lucky to catch the bus on time.  *SIGH* 

I have missed a bus and by missed I mean TOTALLY missed it.  I got home at 8.  Just enough time to pick the kids up, bathe them and put them to sleep.  I cried that night.  Big Cheese has been more of a hindering factor than a helping one in all this.  I asked for help and I got the "I am busy with my life, it's not my weekend, you deal with it"  speech.  It was actually an angry tirade that set me back.  I felt alone and just defeated.  I did a lot of crying, a lot of praying.  I had to figure out life, how to get me and The Things to and from all of our various activities, how I was going to come up with some reliable transportation. 

It is in the moments like this that you know who is really there for you.  I had a car for a few weeks from a family friend that is like a big brother.  He was going through his own set of difficulties and yet he helped me out.  He had gone to Mexico with a friend to visit his wife and young child, only to find his wife sick.  Turns out she has leukemia and he was staying longer to take care of her.  He saved me a couple of weeks of grief from riding the metal monster of the bus.  I have had a co-worker help me get home at a decent time occasionally.  She has a son and is a single mom and knows all to well how I was missing my babies.  Then there is the friend from Facebook who I know through her brother and mostly through posts and comments on each other's status.  She saw the post where I was on the bus and how I was people watching.  She sent me a message "I do nothing all day, I can give you a ride".  Raw in delivery but the sentiment was felt deeply.

Then there is T.  T is my source of support, my spouse in a spouse less relationship.  She made arrangements as much as she could so I wouldn't be on the bus all the time.  Then there was the slew of people keeping an eye open for a newer used car on sale.  Like Pretty Eyes, who gave me her dad's number and now I am a day closer to a newer set of wheels. 

I have been humbled, brought to tears, and then redeemed by the love of friends and family.  Life's lessons are hard to swallow, especially when there are little ones involved.  I am just glad I am seeing the light of day finally and that the Things and I will be off to new adventures again.  Minus a bus. :)

What challenges have you had as a parent?  What or who saved your sanity during that trying moment?

The Ice-Cream Mafia...BEWARE!

If you ever watched the 80' movie "Better off Dead" you will surely remember the newspaper kid...

He practically hunted down John Cusak in the whole movie. I use to laugh every time I saw these scenes, that is until the Ice-cream Mafia came after me.  

It all started innocently. It's Mami's FAULT!

 If you are a parent of a young child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The moment you hear the creepy music screeching from the truck, you break out in a sweat. Panic mode sets in. Surely the kids didn't hear the music, right? WRONG! All of a sudden you hear from the back of the house "IKEEM MAMMA! IKEEM!". Their excited squeals sound like the nails of teacher scratching on the chalk board. It's repetitive and haunting. You know the next thing they are going to say is "two dollars Momma!" 

Two dollar Spiderman Nightmare Popsicle! 

Mmm Chocolate

I swear I'm being stalked by the ice-cream truck Mafia. They know my schedule. When I get to the sitters after work they are nowhere to be found. I swear they turn off the music and wait for me to walk out of the sitter's house with the kids. They always stop and stare intently and turn the music on full blast. If that is not bad enough, they do a slow roll in front and from the other side comes a different ice-cream truck. People, I'm being bullied here! How do I explain it to a police officer about this? I mean come on all they want me to do is buy a "two dollar!" Ice-cream.

Seems ridiculous I know, but it's now become a power struggle of who is going to put up with it the most. I will not pay "two dollars" for a spider man Popsicle when I can pay a dollar more and get a box of Popsicles at the grocery store! I made the mistake of mocking the ice-cream truck posse once. I took the kids Popsicle sticks so that when they walked out the ice-cream truck would see them with the ice-cream. I felt the heat of the evil glare and declared victory when it moved on.

My glory was short lived. I see them everywhere I go now. At the park, by friends house, EVERYWHERE! They are out to get my "two dollars!". UGH! I think they've even gotten the gourmet food trucks to start stalking me now. They want to make ME fat! It's a conspiracy I tell you!

See in front of my work...the gourmet trucks all lined up!

Since you have had children in your life what ridiculous do you now fear, that did not in the slightest scare you before?

I know I'm not alone in my irrational fear check this out... *SHIVER* CREEPY!

Wordless Wednesday - Japan's children

Nothing has left me quite as wordless as the images that have been in the news about the devastation in Japan.  The thing that struck me the most was the images of young children.   I thought of my own children and held them tight and prayed for those who lost children, and the children who lost parents, and the children going through this trauma..  These are not my images but what has been posted on news sites.

This last one made me cry.  She was found alive after being separated during the Tsunami from her parents. 

Click here for the story of this miracle baby.

Flashback Friday - My overachieving son

 What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends

June 16, 2007 - I was two months from my due date and my pregnancy with Thing One was getting into the third trimester and there was so much to think and worry and be excited for.  Here is what I wrote that day.  

You could see his cheeks even then.



It's 6:00 AM on a Saturday morning and some may ask, what the hell are you doing up? It's no secret that I love quiet mornings and watching the sun rise on occasion, but today is different. This is what I call my thinking time, translation worry time.

For the most part my pregnancy thus far has been pretty uneventful, except for that scare early in the pregnancy when the doctor put me on bed rest. Yesterday I went to see the specialist that has been seeing me once a month to see if the baby is ok, and if my thyroid condition is not interfering with his development. He said, and I quote "this baby is big!" which I sat there and said "duh, have you seen dad? He's a big guy and my dad was a big man". Well then he said Marcus should only be at a certain range and he is actually in the 90 percentile which means one of two things, c-section or early delivery. WHAT!

So set in motion is worrying and sleepless nights that are to come for me until I know he is ok. The doctor kept reassuring me he was ok, and just put me on a monitor to make sure I wasn't having contractions. Guess what? I was, so on medication I go and thoughts just swirl in my head. I'm trying to keep good thoughts about this boy, and that yes, he is like his mother an over achiever. I'm just glad the doctor didn't put me on bed rest, because I simply go bezerk when I have to just lay there and keep thinking and worrying.

But my little guy, you need to bake a little longer so that mommy can stop worrying about you in the womb and start a whole new other sets of worries, like why did you sniffle? Or are you doing ok in school? or Did that girl break your heart? I just pray that he will be ok and that I can do that.

Man, this little boy is exhausting me already! I love him so much. Maybe I should get back to bed and let him rest with me for now.

Ok friends, just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks!

Baking a baby during happier times.

The shoe is on the other foot.

Just another Saturday night being silly.

In my past life before my beautiful children, before my nice existence in the Human Resource world, I was a preschool teacher.  During those times I saw many children and their parents through some rough times as well as some great times.  The rough times were always when I had observed something that was troublesome, something that was a marker for development that wasn't being met.  I would jot down what I observed watched like a scientist.  I would compare to the markers of development and how that was fitting into the dynamic of the group and of the development of the children as a whole.  Delivering news to parents that there was a concern was always done in a respectful and very thorough way.  These were small children, and I was with them most of the day.  I saw things that maybe their parents did not see, or did not want to see. I had one parent many years ago tell me that what I saw was nothing, that I didn't know what I was talking about. Years later I heard that this young child did not get the help he needed then and that the child, now a teenager was being reffered to special needs classes.  I just thought of all the years that could have been easier for this child, had this parent not taken what I was saying as an insult on their parenting. 

I have always known that if the shoe is on the other foot, your opinion can change, especially if it is your own child.  This actually took place at Thing One's yearly doctor's appointment when he was two.  I had always observed that Thing One was always moving, fidgety and increasingly impatient. I figured it was a part of being a toddler. Even as an infant he couldn't be held more than a few minutes without wiggling and moving going on.  While waiting for the doctor Thing One was wide awake from a nap and full of his normal energy.  He was playing tag with the doors, fidgeting through the clothes I was taking off of him and I was exhausted.  All this at noon, exhausting.  First time mom I just thought he's just energetic.  When the doctor came in she observed what I had been use to seeing on a daily with Thing One.  She asked me if I had any question ran through his chart and did the normal check ears etcetera.  Then she said it after watching me get him two or three times to get him to sit and to focus a little.  "We have parenting classes for a high energy child if you are interested".  I recognized the tone and the message.  I asked "What do you mean? Do you think it's ADHD?".  It clicked, I saw it too.  His energy level his loss of focus, or was he just being two?  PANIC.  I think I started to breathe harder and I probably even was pale in the face with this news.  The doctor just said "He is at the high end of energy, I have observed so far.  I have a son just like this.  We won't test him until he is older, if this continues".  I felt like I had been hit by a million brick and I was ready for my knees to buckle.  I was the parent this time.

What I did I do you ask?  Well I didn't ignore what the doctor had said.  I read a lot, I observe when Thing One is in a group of children.  These are all things I was taught to do.  I don't want to ignore the signs, I don't want Thing One to be a teenager and be struggling when I could have taken note and helped along the way.  I do realize that all the things I can do from now until the test may not make a huge difference, but it's being proactive and not letting things for him slip away.  I may not like the prognosis, but there are things I can do and try to be prepared for him to thrive.   There is a lot of guilt that goes on sometimes and I often see my behaviors and wonder if he is this way because of how I am or what I did during my pregnancy.  Then I realize this is not conducive to helping him. 

This is a clip from the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin.  Never had this made more sense to me as it does now.

In the end, it doesn't matter if he has ADHD to me, it matters that I did something to try and help him along the way and that this is livable and we will make it through no matter what.

Flashback Friday - Waiting can be the worst!

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

March 27, 2007 -  My thoughts about the amniocentesis I had and what occurred after.  

As the title says waiting for things can be the worst. I guess it all depends on what you are waiting for. I have waited in lines at the DMV (how much worse can it get, right!?) and I've waited for traffic to start to flow to get me to my destination. I have done millions of types of waiting and it doesn't get any better, but the waiting I have had to do these couple of days has had me all tied up in bunch without being able to concentrate on the most basic of things.
I had an amnio about a week and a half ago. Because I am over 35 (I know, don't be shocked! LOL) the doctor suggested I go through it. Besides there is also diabetes that runs on both sides of our family and a series of other conditions, I wanted to make sure the baby was going to be healthy.

The procedure was not half as bad as I thought it might be, especially with a giant needle going in under your belly button (ok, you can stop getting dizzy with the visual now). I just never imagined that the painful part of the whole procedure would be the waiting. Waiting just got my thoughts going in high gear, what would I do if something was not right, how would I deal with it? I think I cried once or twice because of the stress of it all, excruciating. What if the baby was less than perfect? It sounds silly, but I thought of EVERYTHING!

My mother saw how stressed I was and took me to pamper myself at the nail salon with a manicure and a pedicure, and of course words of encouragement and reassurance that everything was going to be ok. While at the nail salon I saw a young girl come in with her mother, she must have been about 22 and she had downs syndrome. I watched how her mother took care of her, and how even though she was dependent on some things, she was as normal as can be. Her mother took care of her with care and kindness, much like my mother was taking care of me.

At that moment I thought of my baby, and if something would not be ok, I would still love him the same and would deal with what could happen no matter what.

I got the call yesterday from the doctor, my baby is going to be free of all those things I feared. But I learned a lot just in the waiting. I had a few minutes of despair and I thought of all those people who are waiting, waiting for their children to get out of the preemie ward. Waiting to hear if what they have is cancer, waiting to know if a loved one will make it through the night after much illness. My heart goes out to those of you who have to wait, it's painful.

My father would say " Don't cry because you don't have shoes, there are people who have no feet".

Lesson learned Dad.

A visit to Fantasyland...Courtesy of Mami

The first memory I have of Fantasyland was when I was 5 years old. It was the part of Disneyland in which you could make dreams come true, however far fetched they may be. The rocket ride, the flying Dumbo ride, anything was game when it came to the imagination. That was the magic of Fantasyland, anything was possible. I have often found myself back there in recent months. The reality is that I have not been to Disney land since 2003.

Mami has been instructed to call me at work only if it is urgent. Anything else can be left to talk about during my lunch hour or when I get home. She is after all a woman in her 70's who has given me a scare or two with her health. So recently Mami calls me at 10:30. I thought "Oh my I better answer that!". I pick up the phone, heart in my hand, and she says "You got a postcard from Hawaii, from Prince Charming". I could hear the excitement in her voice. It was that voice of a giddy teenager who just got asked out to the prom by the hottest guy in class. All I could respond was "Mami, this isn't an emergency, I will read it when I get home"

It is no surprise to me that my Ex-husband Prince Charming had sent that postcard. I knew he was going to Hawaii from the previous conversations we had. We have been in contact for about a year now. We have talked at length about the mistakes we made with regards to our relationship and have mended that fence. What is missing you ask? Well it had been 10 years since we divorced. A lot of our "romance" has long since been forgotten. I am ok with that. He seems to agree on that and we have a nice friendship.

Mami on the other hand does not hide the fact that she often visits Fantasyland when it comes to Prince Charming. She still had pictures of Prince Charming and I up on her bedroom walls until about 4 years ago when I protested. It was a ridiculous ode to Prince Charming, he was gone and that was the end of it. Somehow I see her drifting towards the "You never Know mija!?!" camp. Yes, I said camp. I have a few of my friends who say the same thing.

Most of the problems I had with Prince Charming came to fruition about the time we were trying to conceive a child. Lack of communication, frustration, and stress took over. Obviously we did not make it through or I would be saying husband instead of ex-husband. I had often fantasized that we had we been able to have children and our relationship would have not fallen apart the way it did.

So here I am two children, single and by single I mean VERY single. My mom has seen me struggle with two babies for two years, alone. I see the pain in her face when she tells me she wishes she could help me more and that she hopes I don't stay single. I know she desires that my kids have a male figure in their lives to teach them how a man truly treats a woman. I desire those things for my children and I as well.

I often drift to Fantasyland, but the truth is I am single with two small children to look after. Prince Charming has his life and I have mine. No romance, just a friendship. Mami has watched too many telenovelas (spanish soap operas) in her day. Thank you Mami for wishing the best life has to offer. I know she just wants my tears of loneliness to stop and to have a worthy life partner. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and as they saying goes : "it is what it is" for now. No visits from me to Fantasyland. Darn you Disney and your dreams!

Moms date?!?! HOW?

Most Moms I know lead really busy lives. You have kids to shuffle off to day care, school, etc. You have to deal with tantrums, homework, and extracurricular activities that you need to hurry off to. If your married, you need to fit in time with the hubby and sharing of the parenting. Now imagine if you were single and had to do that and DATE??!!! *GULP*

At the ripe age of 40 I never imagined that I would be a single mom. I thought I would be one of those happily adjusted married folks with kids. WRONG! Life happens, you choose a partner unwisely (in my case the culprit was beer and Jack and coke), it happens. I have been a single mom for close to two years now, and I haven't really put any thought into dating. Why? Well that's easy to answer, I'm knee deep into toddlerhood. Before two toddlers I was a hot mess. I had two babies 17 months apart and I could barely get a comb through my hair, let alone TRY to look attractive. My life revolved around a constant diaper change.

My thoughts and energy have been focused on Thing One and Thing Two. So this is going to sound silly, but I have no idea how to date or even put myself out there! I have been out of the game for at least a good 5 years now. First, it takes so much time and energy just to date. Getting to know the other person, the calling, the whole dance, HELLO?! When exactly am I supposed to do that? I barely make it to 9:30 pm on any given weekend and I am already nodding off to bed. Not to mention that every weekend I have is spent with the children since Big Cheese couldn't possibly take them on weekends.

Then there is that part of me that worries. The whole dilemma about when is it right to date? When do the kids get introduced? Do you introduce them at all? Does this person have a criminal record? What if the kids get attached and it doesn't work out? I can handle me being hurt, but the kids?? That last thought just kills me. UGGGG!!! Seriously, I thought I wouldn't have to go through the insanity of dating while raising kids.

So the other night out of curiosity I went on a dating site and chatted with a few gentlemen (I use the term loosely) and I swear I felt drained. Just by the questions What do you look like? Kids? Married? divorced? age? Area you live? It was like the spanish inquisition and I hadn't even gotten a drink out of it to ease the pain!

I don't know how some single moms are able to date, I was exhausted just in the few minutes I put myself out there. Maybe I'm just not ready to handle dating drama alongside toddler tantrums. I get lonely sometimes and I would love to have someone take care of me as a woman while I take care of my children's needs. I just don't think I have the energy level and patience it takes to date at this moment. I'm hoping that some day I will. Single moms, how do you balance a dating life with the life of a mommy? Am I over thinking this or will there come a time when I will figure it all out. Advice please....

The things we do for our kids...

Doesn't that look delicious?  Is this going to be about why I sacrifice being broke by getting Thing One his favorite that not so nutritious hotcakes and sausage from Mc D's?  EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WRONG!

This has everything to do about my tata's being pressed into one of these things and holding my breath, not because the technician asked me to, but because I was in pain and it literally took my breath away. I just turned the big 4-0 and I realized I hadn't had a "check-up" since the essure procedure two years ago after Thing Two.  I think it was safe to say that I needed to see my OB/GYN.

Right about the time I was 8 months pregnant with Thing Two, Mami had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was stage one breast cancer very survivable, but scary to say the least. We are lucky it was caught because Mami is vigilant when it comes to her appointments and health.  She opted for complete removal of the breast because a lumpectomy would not guarantee she would not have another tumor and it would mean weeks of radiation.  I know why she opted for that drastic move.  She looked at me with a big swollen belly due at any moment, dealing with a 15 month old baby and going through a recent separation from Big Cheese. I know she sacrificed her tata for peace of mind for me.  I know that's why she did it.  She says it was because she didn't want to go through the uncertainty of it all, but the first thing she said was that she didn't want me to worry. Mom's sacrifice so much for their children.

I helped Mami get through the surgery and the weeks of draining the wound and the fitting of her prosthetic.  I was drained emotionally and physically.  I thought of nothing but her and my two children.  What would I do without my Mami?  Would my children remember her if the cancer took her life? It was a long journey and 4 months after all this we were able to breathe a sigh of relief.  The cancer had been successfully taken and since then we have not had any re occurrence of it. Mother's sacrifice so much for their children.

So yesterday after taking Thing Two to her 2 year old check up I went for a mammogram.  As any mother would attest, the sacrifice of having to go through what we have to is worth any pain.  I want to be around to see my babies go to school the first time, to have the first boyfriend or girlfriend, to dry their tears after their heart is broken, to cry at their wedding, and to hold their children. So me being uncomfortable for a few minutes in order to make sure the same cancer that struck Mami has not somehow been passed to me, was worth it.  I know what it's like to not be able to share triumphs and heart break with a loving parent because of a disease.  I do not wish that heart ache on them. 

I will take care of myself, for them.  I will go out and exercise and take care of myself both physically and mentally, for them.  It's not that I no longer matter, it's that I matter to someone who needs me.

What have you sacrificed in the name of your children?

Music that make you go... hmmmmmm

The year 1987:  I was 16 years old going to house parties (Yes I KNOW…bad girl!) My hair was pumped up with the Super Hold white can of Aqua Net and I was rockin’ my bobby socks with heels along with the big fat belt wrapped around my long shirt and my too short skirt.  This song was always pumping while I was getting ready to go to the house party:

OH my youth! This reminds me of good times doing bad things. I could have been kidnapped, raped, etc, etc, etc…but I survived unscathed. It is always great to have those memories of the time when you were wild and young. Music always brings me to a fun memory of what I was doing when listening to a particular song.

Fast forward to my life some 20 some odd years later. Here I am single mommy to two beautiful impressionable children. I let them listen to a variety of music, because I love music. I even got a whole bunch of CDs from Rockabye Baby. My kids have been listening to since they were in the womb. I love the concept of popular music set for children. It drives me less crazy than listening to Barney singing “I love you” for the umpteenth millionth time.


So the other night while I was making dinner as usual I turn on Nick Jr. for the kids so that they can stay out of my hair long enough for me to finish. Yo Gabba Gabba was on and as I frequently do, I chimed in listening to what they were watching. What happened was I heard a familiar tune:

I was shocked, completely stupefied! There was nothing wrong with the choice of music or the episode, just one thing. I was brought back to me in that mini skirt at 16 out at a party drinking beer and pretending I was uber cool. Then it hit me, I’m a responsible adult, a parent! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The magic of this song is no longer a happy memory; it is the realization that someday I will have teenagers that will want to do the same wild things I was doing. I think this is the moment Mami was looking forward to when I was a teenager “You will see when you have kids” Thanks Mami.


Anyone have that pivotal moment when you realize you are now on the other end of parenting?

Here is a story for you to retell... I have a heart that bleeds

I have spilled my feelings of rage, anger, sadness, happiness and loneliness all over pages and pages of blogs, journals, and posts on my facebook page, just to have them come back to me as a dagger. My own words twisted and retorted as vicious gossip that is told to Big Cheese.  Big Cheese is not the type to figure out that some people don't have your best interest at heart.  They use these words to spin drama, to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  They do this to stir feelings of chaos for their own enjoyment. 

Now, I'm sure that maybe some of the things that get reported back to Big Cheese of the things are innocently mentioned.  I am not a complete idiot about things like this happening.  I am after all a fairly reasonably person.  Big Cheese is known for making me feel like everything is my fault, that I decided to have a split family.  Despite my many attempts at reconnecting my whole fantasy of a traditional family, despite the numerous times I have set aside my pride, the very fiber of who I am to do this.  So don't think I know that this may be the case.  Do me a favor, when you retell the story show the whole scenario.

Have I felt lonely and sad, yes, yes I have.  I want a big shoulder to cry on to tell me that I am doing ok as a mom, as a woman as a freakin' human being. I want to have a friend in the person I am with.  Big Cheese, I know tries, but there is a huge disconnect in our relationship.  He has been holding on to things that happened when we were dating.  Things that I am not proud of doing. I have apologized, I have tried to move to the present.  I have even disregarded his mistakes during my pregnancy.  He can't let go, he is still angry.  It may not be outwardly apparent, but he lets it all out when we argue.  I can't keep living in the past, my children deserve two happy parents to raise them. 

Like I said I take responsibility for my part in the failure of this relationship, I'm no angel.  I have however vowed to be true to my children.  I have not introduced to anyone I may start dating, because simply put there is no one.  I respect myself to know that this is not a good time for me to even consider that.  Do I desire that attention? Sure, who wouldn't.   I am first and foremost a mother of two young children who deserve my attention right now.  Maybe down the road I can revisit that place as the woman I want to be.  I want to be "that" person for someone and they can be that for me, for now I am ok with just me and the kids. Big Cheese can't meet me half way and talk to me like an adult.  He resorts to insults and raising of his voice.  I will not let him bring me down and make me feel like this is all of my fault. Just because I told him to leave, does not give him the right to blame me for all of it and not take responsibility for his part.

I leave my future in this and any other relationship in God's hands.  I can't do anything else.  I often feel defeated in that department.  Still I pick myself up and dust off and move forward.  Why?  Well here is the simple answer:

So if you want to retell false truths remember this, your words and gossip affects more than just me.  It's like throwing a pebble into a pond, the ripples get bigger and you hurt more than one person with greater intensity.  If that makes you sleep better at night, so be it.  Just do me a favor, sign up to my RSS feed so you can get all the information correct and show him what you read instead of interpretting it on your own. 

Thanks a lot! May you find peace of heart.
 

My plate flowth over...

No, this is not a post about how well my Thanksgiving went and what I ate.  It has everything to do with what made me snap the other night and what has been building up in the internal emotions that is Dooritos.

Every year the community center in my city has a tree lighting ceremony. I wanted the Things to see this.  I like them to participate in the community.  What I didn't expect was the feelings that would overwhelm me when we finally got there.  It started the moment I went to pick them up from the baby sitter and get them and Mami into the car.

As soon as I got home, I made sure Mami was ready to go.  She asked "de que hija?" (For what my daughter).  I was stressed from work and to come home to someone not ready to go frazzled me.  "UFF" I urged her to get ready quickly as I went across the street to get the kids.  Everyone was packed in the car and we got there barely able to squeeze into the building.

Both kids were honary, throwing themselves on the floor with any type of suggestion to stand by me.  Mami looked stressed, I was stressed.  Mami has limited mobility so really the only one that could keep up with these types of moments is me.  I tried to take a few pictures of the Things by the tree before they lit it, and of course the camera battery had died! I had to pull out my blackberry to take pictures and this is what happened:

Liliana "I get tree!"

Please look over here!

Halfway decent shot

Losing it

Right after this and during the singing, both kids layed on the floor and screamed.  I want the tree! I want outside! I want present!  I lost it in the middle of  "Hark the Angels Sing".  My "angels" were not singing, mine were SCREAMING.  In my head I was doing the very same thing.  I picked them up kicking and screaming dragged them out and just gave Mami that look of "WE ARE OUT!!".  The whole time driving home both Things  were screaming "BACK! BACK!" There was no way, they were done, and I was done.

As soon as we got home I put both kids to bed and sat exhausted, drained and with very little energy for much more.  I cried.  I cried because I never planned to do this without someone there with me. Not only for the kids but for me as well.  I have been stressed, spread thinnly in my time, and I was thinking Wonder Woman, but in reality I'm not.  I'm just a single mom with two very busy toddlers and an aging mom, who all ask a lot of my time from me.  So that very moment with all the things that I had piled on my plate something had to give.  The corn gibblets, the gravy, the bun, the whole "shibang" came tumbling down.  I felt very lonely and the tears just poured.  I let it all spill out on my facebook page and the most spectacular thing happened.  Other single mom's could relate and told me I would be ok. I needed that hug, even if it was virtual.  Thank you friends.

After this lovely treat :

Yes, that is a rice crispy treat and a glass of wine! 

I was able to breath and move forward to the next morning.  I kissed my babies and even though I am alone and stressed, I know I'm not the only single mom that goes through this and hey I've known some married mom's who have that slow come apart moment. Have you as a parent had a come apart moment?

Letting go...

Worry.  The one word every mother knows.  I don't think there is one day in a mother's life that she at one moment or other has gone without it. Thing Two has had me worried these last two months.  This month marked Thing Two's 16th month of life. She is 2 months shy of reaching the fabulous year and a half mark.  My worry?  Simple, she wasn't walking.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's not physical.  The girl get's around with the help of furniture, walls, hands but she simply hasn't been able to let go and venture on her own.

Thing One, first born, he had me worried too around this age.  All the other children in his Gymboree class were walking on or before their first birthdays.  I kept reading and wondering when the magic moment would happen and then a week after his 14th month, BAM! Yes he was walking.  So I figured Thing Two might be walking a little later, no problem.  So after month 15 passed I started to go over in my head all of the things that could possibly be why she wasn't walking. Was she scared? Was it physical?  Was it neuroligical? So my mind going a million miles a minute probably was the best thing to do.  For the next month I observed Thing Two closely, every step, every movements.  I tried to encourage her a time or two to let go. 

Thing Two had other ideas.  When I would try to let go of the chubby little hand I could feel the forceful Kung Fu grip on my finger. I even said "Let Go baby!" Okay Thing Two hold on a little longer to mommy.  Inside I was holding on tightly as well. Worry, worry, worry! I think when I worry I manifest it physically as well.  I have had stomach pains and headaches all month.  I am sure there were other factors, but my biggest worry is my children's health and welfare. 

Mami even began to tell me "Ten Fe" (have faith).  I could see the worry in her face as well.  Mami as always has put her faith in her saints and her Catholic beliefs.  So yes Thing Two was in her prayers every night, please let her "Let Go" and walk. Sunday evening rolled around and Thing Two was sitting on her little sofa and playing with her Dora doll.  She tossed her doll a distance and stood up.  No big deal, she does that always.  What came next was more exciting than a rollercoaster!  One, Two, Three, Four steps!  I must have scared her when I yelled Go! Go! Go! She stopped. 

Relief and joy was the overwhelming feeling I felt.  I called Mami over and said, your prayers were answered she "Let Go!".  Mami just smiled and said "It was for you, not for her".  One moment, one joy, and yes I learned to let go and stop worrying so much.  Everything in due time.  Lesson learned Mami, I will loosen my Kung Fu grip.