Men of Valor

Friday, June 11, 2010.  My son Thing One turns 34 months old.  I was a little sad during the week because of the hardship I was going with the car problems I was having and the trouble I was having getting help getting my kids situated while I found a way to and from work, etc.  I was really missing my dad at that point.  The man who was always there for me. The man I hope that Thing One will grow up to be.

 

That morning on the drive to work I heard the news of a CHP (California Highway Patrol) officer who had been killed while on duty.  I stopped and said a prayer for the family and was very reflective on the times my dad would go to work and Mami would say a prayer.  My father, Sarge, worked as a deputy for the Los Angeles Sheriff department.  Whenever I hear that an officer has gone down, I pray.  These men give there all to keep the rest of us safe. 

 

Later that morning one of my friends on Facebook contacted me and told me that the officer who had died was my other friend's younger brother.  The tears rolled down and I prayed even more. I felt the pain of my friend, losing her beloved brother.  I felt the pain of her mother, losing her son.  I felt the pain of his wife, losing her companion.  I felt the loss of his children, growing up without their father.

 

The men behind those badges have families, have loved ones, have friends.  They put it all on the line so you and I can remain safe. Then I was reminded of all the chivalrous men who do not wear a badge, but are heroes in their own way.  These men are those who pick up the pieces after an absent father, whether that be voluntary or involuntary.  Those men who will take children in as their own and shield them from harm and life's bumps in the road.  They can be step fathers who take in a whole family and make them their own.  They are brother's, friends, neighbors who in a moment's crisis are there.

On this Father's day I grieve for the father I lost to cancer and for those two children who's very courageous father not only protected them but protected the highways so that many other father's could get home safely to their children.  I also honor on those of you who take the place of a lost father. I honor those father's who find it necessary to keep and protect a family and stay married for long periods of time and take care of the mother of your children.  You are truly men of valor.

Dad, I truly miss you everyday.  In the 12 years you gave me as a father, you were exceptional and taught me life's lessons in a short period I was under your wing.  Everything you did for me served as an example to what I wanted to be like as a parent and values I instill in my little one's everyday. 

Thing One, you have big shoes to fill. 

Letting go...

Worry.  The one word every mother knows.  I don't think there is one day in a mother's life that she at one moment or other has gone without it. Thing Two has had me worried these last two months.  This month marked Thing Two's 16th month of life. She is 2 months shy of reaching the fabulous year and a half mark.  My worry?  Simple, she wasn't walking.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's not physical.  The girl get's around with the help of furniture, walls, hands but she simply hasn't been able to let go and venture on her own.

Thing One, first born, he had me worried too around this age.  All the other children in his Gymboree class were walking on or before their first birthdays.  I kept reading and wondering when the magic moment would happen and then a week after his 14th month, BAM! Yes he was walking.  So I figured Thing Two might be walking a little later, no problem.  So after month 15 passed I started to go over in my head all of the things that could possibly be why she wasn't walking. Was she scared? Was it physical?  Was it neuroligical? So my mind going a million miles a minute probably was the best thing to do.  For the next month I observed Thing Two closely, every step, every movements.  I tried to encourage her a time or two to let go. 

Thing Two had other ideas.  When I would try to let go of the chubby little hand I could feel the forceful Kung Fu grip on my finger. I even said "Let Go baby!" Okay Thing Two hold on a little longer to mommy.  Inside I was holding on tightly as well. Worry, worry, worry! I think when I worry I manifest it physically as well.  I have had stomach pains and headaches all month.  I am sure there were other factors, but my biggest worry is my children's health and welfare. 

Mami even began to tell me "Ten Fe" (have faith).  I could see the worry in her face as well.  Mami as always has put her faith in her saints and her Catholic beliefs.  So yes Thing Two was in her prayers every night, please let her "Let Go" and walk. Sunday evening rolled around and Thing Two was sitting on her little sofa and playing with her Dora doll.  She tossed her doll a distance and stood up.  No big deal, she does that always.  What came next was more exciting than a rollercoaster!  One, Two, Three, Four steps!  I must have scared her when I yelled Go! Go! Go! She stopped. 

Relief and joy was the overwhelming feeling I felt.  I called Mami over and said, your prayers were answered she "Let Go!".  Mami just smiled and said "It was for you, not for her".  One moment, one joy, and yes I learned to let go and stop worrying so much.  Everything in due time.  Lesson learned Mami, I will loosen my Kung Fu grip.
 

Love Notes

Today was a somber day.  I went to the funeral of my co-worker's husband. He was only 45 and she is a widow at 44.  The thing that got to me was that the daughter he left behind is 15, just 3 years older than I was when I lost Sarge. It was from the same disease as well . Cirrhosis of the liver, a very vicious ailment that takes lives.  I think that is why it hit me so hard.  I remembered Sarge and I was back to being that 12 year old that didn't understand why this had happened.  I could explain it in a concrete manner, but never as an emotional entity. 

I had some great moments with Sarge in the brief 12 years I had him.  Sarge was able to share a lot with me then, even as a child he never spoke to me as if I was a child.  He was my best friend in the whole world.  Not a lot of people can say that about a father.  I somehow have felt along the way that I was never really able to completely full fill that relationship with him as an adult.  I was a pretty bright child, but still the complexities that are of an adult certainly are a vast difference.  Mami would tell me stories of him that I never knew and sometimes I can connect with him as an adult that way.  I still have emptiness in that department.  What was Sarge really like?  I mean besides all the nice things that people say about him, I would like to have known his real thoughts, fears, anxieties.  Even the things that may not have been so nice about him, I wanted to know.  Mami has saved some things of his in the garage, so I went snooping one day.  I found a poem that he wrote about his fears of impending death and how that would affect me and Mami.  It was eye opening and I searched for more.

Finding these notes in his own writing always made me feel comforted, closer, connected to Sarge.  I thought so much of him when I was pregnant with Thing One and Thing Two.  I even thought of my own mortality and how much that would effect the Things.  What if it happened early and they were young?  Would they know me? Do I want them to know me?  What should I say to them?  How do I go about it? 

Journal writing has always been a comfort for me so I figured these would be left for them to know me.  I have things I wrote right after Sarge passed, boy crushes, first kisses, depression, happiness, marriage, infertility problems, miscarriage, fights, boyfriends, divorce, broken hearts, anger.  Should I censor it?  I don't think so.  I want them to know I had flaws and I made mistakes.  I want them to know I was loving and crazy.  I want them to know that I was a human being and I loved them like no one else in this world and that I feared some days more than others for them.

I think it's important for me to let them know that they too will make mistakes and I will understand them, no matter what distance we have between them.  Whether that be miles or dimensions. 

For my two babies, Mommy wrote you a letter when she was pregnant with you to open on your 18th birthday.  If I am no longer with you, please make sure to read it and do the same with your children.  You will never know the day you will want to know all about your parents. 

Love Notes are forever. :)